


Play To Lose

by SordidAssorted



Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: F/F, F/M, Ships are not listed in order, So don’t bitch, this is your warning
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-29
Updated: 2019-02-20
Packaged: 2019-05-15 08:49:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 140,455
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14787317
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SordidAssorted/pseuds/SordidAssorted
Summary: And old flame, the one that got away, and the one that may change your life. All wrapped in one.





	1. All that you know, is all that you are

 

 

 

Kelley felt a big smile on her face form when the front door to her mom's house opened and she saw a big mane of black curly hair bounce up and down at the sight of her. She shook her head from amusement and surprise when she let the gym bag that was hanging on her left arm fall onto the driveway and she caught Christen with her arms when she had charged for her.  

“Why am I like the happiest person on earth right now to see you?” Kelley asked as she brought her best friend closer and held on tight.  

“I guess cuz, you know, it's me.” Her best friend said with a smirk.  

“By the way, sorry I forgot about your ankle.” Christen said when she climbed off of her quickly so that she wouldn’t worsen Kelley’s condition with her body weight.

“I don’t think you realize how much I love you right now. I owe you.” Kelley whispered into her ear.  

“Buy me a drink and we’re square.” 

Kelley smiled when she saw her best friend pick up her gym bag and the heaviest luggage from her trunk and rolled them into the house like it was her own.  

“You don’t have to do that.” Kelley said as she leaned back on her car and watched Christen make another trip back to get the rest of her cargo.  

“You kidding me? The next time I need a favor from you this freaking huge…I’m cashing it in.”  

Kelley smiled in response.

She was so exhausted from the flight that she just stood there on her spot and zoned out, hoping that Christen would come back outside when she noticed that Kelley hadn’t followed her. She wasn’t going to be able to do all of this without her by her side.

She was happy to know that it didn’t take Christen too long. 

She was really glad to see Christen stick her head back out, looking for her.  

Kelley smiled at her, but she smiled sadly this time, There was an enormous amount of emotions that she was sifting through to express. And she could tell them all, but she resorted to give her a lamented smile that asked the both of them, “How was I supposed to do this without your help?”  

Her best friend walked back out with her lips pursed to one side like she was debating on what to say.  

“You know, I think you’re putting on the pressure all by yourself.” Christen said with a smirk.  

“You’d think I’d be used to pressure.” Kelley said with a dry chuckle. She stuffed her hands into her pockets because all she wanted to do right now was settle in this spot with Christen and avoid going inside. Because when she did, she’d have to face the fact that she wasn’t in camp, where she should have been.  

“I’m going to be doing all the work.” Christen reminded her.  

“Don’t act like it’s that hard to act like my girlfriend. You’ve done it before.” Kelley said with a sly grin.  

Christen rolled her eyes.  

“Ugh. Don’t remind me!” Christen said jokingly. She ducked her head and embraced Kelley around the torso, hoping that her best friend would realize that she was going to be okay.  

Kelley sighed and she felt very grateful that someone who would understand was here.  

“I really didn’t think you were gonna show.” She said as she held her best friend’s gaze.  

“When have I EVER let you down, O’Hara?” Christen asked with a smirk when she pulled away.  

Kelley just nodded as her and Christen stared at each other and gave each other silly faces.  

**_Well there was that one time._   **

But Kelley didn’t say anything. There was just no need to anymore. And she couldn’t bring up their past and hold onto the one time that Christen had let her down when Christen was here, standing with her, when she thought no one would.  

“C’mon gimpy. Let’s roll. Get this over with.” Christen said before she pulled Kelley by the hand and through the front door to face the music.  

 

  * •



 

Kelley didn’t really want her mom to be pulling on her leg and make her sit in all these weird positions so that she could look at Kelley’s ankle from every angle.  

“It’s a good thing you have Christen.” Her mom said when Kelley had pulled her own foot away to put it back in the big boot.  

“I can walk on it mom...kinda.” Kelley said, the irritation spiking.  

"This ankle hasn't made me half a person."  

“Oh I meant just in general.” Karen said with a shrug. “I’m glad that you found someone to…I don’t know…teach you how to do things.” 

Kelley rolled her eyes and they landed on Christen who had her lips pursed to hold in a smirk. Christen winked at her.  

“Speaking of doing things, I’m gonna put all my stuff upstairs.” Kelley said when she gingerly stepped up from her spot on the couch.  

“Mom I’m not made of glass!" Yelled out when the person who had given birth to her had stepped to hold her up.  

“Okay, okay!” Karen said as she threw her hands up and rolled her own eyes at Christen to signal that her daughter was irritating.  

“You and her are exactly alike.” Christen said when she stuffed the US Soccer training gear at the bottom of Kelley’s drawer so that it would be hidden when she unpacked all of her stuff. 

“Don’t ever say that.” Kelley said as she took the boot off her foot to air it out and warned Christen.  

“It’s hilarious how much you don’t realize it.” Christen said.  

“Am I really that insufferable?” 

Kelley threw her sock at Christen’s head when her best friend didn’t respond.  

 

  * •



 

“Why’d you show up?” Kelley asked as her elbows propped her up and looked at Christen laying down on her old pillow.  

“Not everyone’s a disappointment, Kell.” Christen said gently.  

Kelley picked at the strands of string that got pulled loose from the cuff of Christen’s sleeve out of habit. 

“I left early in the last week-“ 

“I told you not to.” Kelley whined to interrupt her.

“Just accept that I’m going to be here for you.” Christen said it like this is what she has been trying to tell Kelley since they’ve met.  

They both stared at each other. Kelley couldn’t believe it anymore, that she worth anyone else’s time, and she looked in her best friend’s eyes to search for the reason why anyone would do this for her.  

“Just act like you believe me.” Christen said with a smirk. “I should know. I’m your fake girlfriend.” 

Kelley groaned and she put her head next to Christen’s and they both looked at the ceiling. 

“What happened with Ann when I was gone?” Christen asked when she grabbed Kelley’s hand as they both laid in the guest room bed. Her parents still hadn't cleared Kelley's room of stuff they had stuffed in there as storage over the years, so Kelley and Christen were stuffed onto this twin bed that both of their feet stuck out over because they were too tall. 

"What always happens." Kelley said when she turned to look at her best friend. She looked at her so desperately, begging Christen to not push the subject further. Because it would open a wound that hadn't healed over the years. 

"She wanted you." Christen said with conviction, pushing through Kelley’s wish for Christen to not ask.

"She wasn't going to want this for much longer." Kelley said with as she sighed and turned away. 

"Her, or you?" 

Again, Kelley just looked at Christen and held back what she wanted to say. 

**_You didn't want me either._   **

Christen was just staring back at her like she had no idea what Kelley was saying in her mind. 

"You tell me." Kelley responded with defeat. 

"You." 

Kelley bit down on her teeth and grew frustrated with being called out so quickly. And also because she couldn't disagree with her best friend more. No one ever stayed. Everyone always left. And now that she was useless, with her bum ankle and all, no one was going to want to stay for real.

"Your ankle is gonna heal. You know that right?" She looked at Christen who looked so sure of what she just said. 

"Don't act like you've given up. Don't act like you're a failure." Christen pushed. 

"All that you know is all that you are." Kelley said. 

Christen just watched as Kelley dangerously hopped on her good foot all the way to the light switch and flipped it so that they could both just lay there in the darkness. Christen caught Kelley when she dove back onto the bed to avoid landing on her bad ankle. She guided Kelley back to her spot on the bed wordlessly. But that position didn't last too long because of Kelley's restless ways.  

Christen would hear Kelley's low grimaces and heavy breaths when she would shift the blanket and turn and her right foot would get caught on the blanket and pull it in a direction that her bad ankle shouldn't have been pulled in. 

Kelley felt Christen push her arm that had wrapped around her best friend and get up from the bed.

Kelley sighed.

She realized that she may have irritated Christen again with her pettiness. She didn't call after her because she didn't want to wake her mom up, and also because she wasn't going to be able to follow her. This time she had an actual excuse for not following Christen  

She squinted when the light was flipped back on. 

Kelley felt a mild form of happiness to see Christen turn back around and pick up the bandage and roll of tape on the floor that Kelley had thrown off in anger when she had to take the bandages off to take a shower. 

"I can do I-" 

The look on Christen's face silenced Kelley. 

She watched as Christen perfectly wrapped her foot so that it was stiff and secure. So that she was safe from the pain.

"You're still pretty good at wrapping ankles." Kelley said softly. 

She was happy to see Christen grin at her statement. 

"I should have stuck to it, huh?” Christen asked. 

"I wouldn't mind it if you wore those really short cargo shorts that all those girls on Dawn's team wears." Kelley said with a smirk. 

Christen just stayed still in her position on her knees at the foot of Kelley's bed and kept her hand on her foot as she thought about the words she wanted to use to respond. 

"I couldn’t have done it." Christen said as she shook her head at the thought. Those were here Stanford days, and they would stay there. Along with the past. 

"But you're so good at it, Chris." Kelley said earnestly. 

And they both knew that Christen didn't want to hear those words from Kelley's mouth. Those were words that were supposed to stay in the past, too. 

"It's too devastating of a career, Kell." Christen said when she walked over to the nightstand to put the tape she used to secure her best friend's foot on top of the surface. 

"You look like you had fun, though. It would be pretty sick if you and I could be in camps together, still. " Kelley shrugged when she tried to abate the nerves of Christen acknowledging her idiotic choice of words. 

"YOU would have fun, Kell." Christen said with a chuckle. 

"Why not you?" Kelley asked when Christen walked to turn off the light. She stayed there for a second before she would have to come back to the bed that was going to torture the both of them. Coming back to a bed to Kelley O'Hara at the end of the day was habit of hers that was supposed to stay in the past. And she didn’t know (but she should have) that doing this favor would require her to sleep in Kelley’s arms like she did, in the past.

Christen didn't answer the question when she got comfortable under the blanket again and tried to fall asleep. 

"Why not you?" Kelley repeated. She knew that Christen was irritated with her. She always acted like this when Kelley did something stupid. Usually Kelley didn't push it, but this seemed like an important conversation. Christen had just bandaged her up, and Kelley figured that she should bandage up Christen’s sorrow about her career.

"Because if i were to do it, I would be first person who has to deal with an athlete that thinks that they're going to have to play to lose for the rest of their life." 

Christen swallowed down the silence that followed her response. She turned so that her back was to Kelley, who hadn't moved an inch. She closed her eyes knowing that she would have to be satisfied with Kelley's silence. Because that was Kelley's go-to response. 

Kelley just laid stock still for a few minutes while she grew fearful that she pissed off the one person that showed up for her.  She heard Christen sigh. 

"Thank you." 

That's the best she could come up with. It was genuine and it wasn't articulate, and maybe those two words wouldn't be enough to stitch back up the ripped up parts of their friendship she had resurfaced, but that's all she could say. 

**_Thank you for showing up. Thank you for being here. Thank you for taking care of me_ _, again_ _._ _Thank you for the other nights just like this._ _Thank you for giving it all up, again._ _Thank you for everything._   **

She didn't know if Christen knew that she wasn't just grateful for the ankle taping. 

She wanted to say sorry, too. She should have said sorry. 

But she didn't. 

Kelley never said what she should have. 

She hesitated when she slid her hand over Christen's side to hold onto her from behind. She hoped that the gesture was enough. She hoped that it said all she wanted to say, now and back then. She kissed the back of Christen's head when she felt her best friend scoot closer. Now, she could sleep with peace.

Christen could feel Kelley's grip loosen just a little and her breathing slow a few minutes later.

She hoped that Kelley wasn't dreaming about their past. Because today, they would just be chasing the past that was best to not be revisited. Christen was sure that Kelley had forgotten all the details, maybe she had her own narrative of their history, but Christen would understand Kelley if she did. It was a dark time for the both of them, and these moments like this, the one in Kelley’s bed, well they just didn't address all that needed to be addressed because time eventually healed it the liked to tell themselves. 

Because every time they made up, the pain from the truth faded more and more. 

 

  * •



 

"So it's at noon, and we should probably be there at like...I don't know 11:45? Karen how far is the guy's office?" Christen called out to Kelley's mom when she was rummaging through the cabinets for some tylenol for Kelley to take. 

"Not that long of a drive." The both of them heard Karen call back from the living room. 

"How long mom? Like miles?" Kelley called back before she groaned in annoyance. 

"Hey. Be sweet." Christen scolded her best friend when she handed her the two painkillers and went to fill up a glass of water. 

"I'm sorry." Kelley said quietly before she gulped down the pills with the glass Christen handed her.

"It's probably five or six miles, Christen." Karen had walked back into the kitchen when she came out with the old pair of crutches that were stowed away years ago the last time that Kelley had gotten a serious injury. 

"Thank you for taking her." Karen said with a smile. 

"Because if it wasn't you, and it were me, she'd be dead by now by the way she talks to me." Karen said before she gave Kelley a pat to the head and a little kiss on the forehead. 

"You love me." Kelley pouted. 

"I do. And god, I do not know why." Karen said before she gave Christen an affectionate squeeze to her arm before she left for work, and Christen started going through the fridge. 

"Hey, lets just get pancakes or something." Kelley suggested. 

"Um..." Christen looked alarmed. She put the back of her hand on her friend's forehead. 

"Do you have a fever? I feel like you're hallucinating. You just said that you wanted to get pancakes." Christen said in a panic. 

"Stop." Kelley said gently when she took Christen's hand and held onto it while she sat at the table with her bum leg up on another chair.

"I always want to get pancakes with you. I'm just not allowed to." 

"Okay. Let's get pancakes!" Christen said, more delighted with Kelley's suggestion now than when her best friend suggested they go to Sweden together after college. 

"Okay, but I gotta change." 

"Take the crutches." 

Kelley grumbled. 

 

  * •



 

Kelley hopped to the other side of the booth, much to Christen's dismay, when they realized that they wouldn't be able to eat this meal without picking off of each other's plate. Like they always did. And Kelley could sort of feel the distance between them from their weird non-argument they had in their heads with each other last night, when Christen had opted to sit opposite of Kelley, instead of next to her like they always sat. So she wanted to close the distance.

"What? I want some of your french toast." Kelley reasoned that this was an important enough to endanger herself with the greater risk of ruining her ankle even more by hopping to sit next to her. 

"Be careful." Christen said seriously. 

"What?" Kelley said in mild defense. "Okay. I'm sorry. I won't hop without them." 

Christen looked on disapprovingly at the crutches that Kelley had left on the other side of the booth. 

"I want you to play again. I don't want you to get hurt." Christen reasoned when Kelley had put a huge piece of her pancake in her mouth.  

Christen looked at Kelley for affirmation that she understood. 

"Okay." Kelley said with a mouthful of pancake.

It took a sacrifice of three bites of Kelley's pancake for Christen for her to be forgiven. 

 

  * •



 

"So what are you, like her guardian angel?" The doctor said with a grin filled with white teeth that were too perfect for Christen to trust him fully. 

"She is." Kelley said when Christen had failed to respond to this guy that Kelley could tell Christen was not too happy to deal with. 

"She's amazing. She's here to help me at home to start this whole process again, doc." Kelley said with a grimace because she didn't know if her words were going to further infuriate her best friend. 

"Oh? Must be nice to have a housewife." The man said as he took some notes before he turned to fish something out of the cabinet. 

Kelley had to grab Christen's torso from behind and pull her away to stop her from bashing him on the back of his head. Christen was fuming silently when the doctor turned back around to wrap up the appointment that U.S Soccer had set up for Kelley to have here in Georgia. He was supposed to be a good one, but Kelley could tell that Christen didn't agree.

Christen was a west coast girl, so she didn't pick up on the fact that this doctor was just trying to show some southern charm. 

"Okay, but why are you mad at me?" Kelley said as she stood there in disbelief when Christen walked past her to go further down the aisle to find more wrap for Kelley's ankle that they would have to resort to for now before Kelley got the mechanical looking brace.  

"I'm not mad at you." Christen said when she violently swiped away the packages of bandages that were in between her and the package she wanted all the way in the back of the metal that was holding them up in the aisle. 

"He's an asshole." Kelley agreed. She crutched her way closer to her best friend. "But don't take it out on me." 

"I'm not." Christen wanted to take her frustration out on everyone, not just Kelley. So instead she took it out on the innocent packages of tape and bandages that she threw into the basket that hung on her hand.

She left Kelley to loiter in an aisle when she went to the counter at the pharmacy to fill the prescription of powerful painkillers that were written for Kelley. 

Christen clutched the paper bag that the pills were in and she slowly put them in the basket and made her way to a checkout line when she saw that Kelley was in the aisle she left her in, talking to someone who seemed really excited to see her. Christen could see the way Kelley was shrugging and showing off her boot like her grade three sprain was no big deal to this person that Christen  didn't recognize.

She still hadn't talked to Kelley about the possibility of the doc saying at his next appointment that she would probably need surgery if she ever wanted to play with the national team again. But Christen didn't know how to have that conversation now, because if she didn't know how to talk to Kelley about her ankle sprain back in the day, she wouldn’t know how to now.

"Hey, Chris. This is Sammy. Used to play with her back in the day." Kelley said when Christen had hesitated to walk up and interrupt what looked like a high school bro reunion. 

Kelley’s smile was an invitation to include her in her old life.

Kelley's crutch almost slipped from underneath her arm when she saw the way Sam reacted when she turned around and saw Christen. 

"Um yeah. She's just my- she's my girlfriend." Kelley said to Sam.

Kelley ignored the way Christen smirked at her when Sammy turned to Kelley to give her a congratulations, and apologies to Christen for having to deal with her.  

"I appreciate prayers." Christen said with a chuckle. 

"I'll be sure to do that. See ya around Kell. Christen. " Sam said before she waved a goodbye to both of them.

Kelley noticed the way Sam just winked at one of them. 

"Girlfriend, huh?"  

Kelley just rolled her eyes. 

"You ready?" Christen asked when she pointed at the exit. 

"No, I want to buy something." 

"Kell, I got everything on the -" 

"I forgot something." Kelley said with a shrug. And Christen looked like she wanted to argue. 

"Can you just meet me out front?" Kelley said before she rolled her eyes. 

 

  * •



 

"Hey." 

Christen looked up from her phone to see Kelley crutching her way across the living room very slowly. She seemed to be be in a lot of pain.

"My pits aren't used to having these metal things poking them." Kelley explained before Christen was going to ask. Kelley grabbed the plastic bag that Christen just now noticed was hanging on one of the crutches. 

"I got you these." Kelley said like a little kid waiting for their mom to open up the present they spent all of school to make. She sat down next to Christen on the couch and looked at her with eager eyes.

It was three of the cutest cards she's ever seen.

One had the words 'I'm sorry I was a little" and a picture of a piece of poop. The other was a picture of a sheep that said "My Baaaaaad", and the last one was a picture of a lollipop with a caption underneath it that said "I suck" 

"It's s not your fault. He's just a prick." Christen said softly when she held the cards up to her heart to show that she appreciated the gesture. 

"I’m still sorry.” Kelley said quietly.

“You should have told him that you're a professional athlete, too." Kelley said. 

"No reason to." Christen said with a shrug to her shoulders.

“I'm technically not anymore. Cuz the way it looks like it's going, I'm not budging. And they aren't either." 

"They're gonna give your rights to another team." Kelley pushed. And Christen thought that Kelley's words were kind and naïve. 

"You're sweet." Christen said instead of arguing. She looked down at the funny cards, the ones that Kelley was pretty good at finding, and then kissed her best friend on the cheek, because she really did appreciate the gesture. 

 

  * •



 

"So when are dad and Erin gonna get here?" Kelley asked when she  scooped up two servings of spaghetti and split them onto two plates. She turned around to hop them over to the table where her mom and fake girlfriend were, but she just turned to find Christen right behind her with a menacing glare, just daring Kelley to hop without her crutches that were all the way on the other side of the kitchen. The ones that Kelley had ditched when Christen had gotten up to go to the bathroom. 

"I wanted to bring it to you." Kelley said with puppy dog eyes. Those never worked. 

So she spent all of dinner nudging Christen in the leg underneath the table to get her to look at her and forgive her for breaking the rules again. 

It came when Kelley silently put her fourth meatball onto Christen's plate. Food almost always worked with Christen. 

 

  * •



 

"I can make the 30-yard walk mom." Kelley whined. 

"The bin is heavier than you." Karen retorted. 

"I'm an Olympian. I'll figure it out." Kelley said with attitude. 

Christen just shook her head from the ridiculousness of Kelley's behavior and then excused herself to go up and take a shower. 

"You better be careful." Karen warned when she turned back around to her daughter when they both heard the door to Kelley's bathroom shut. "She's going to leave you if you keep acting like a butthead." 

"No she won't." Kelley said with a wave to her hand before she balanced on her good leg and placed the trash bag onto the floor and looped its drawstrings around her crutch. She whooped in excitement when her mom just shook her head at the antics of her 30-year-old daughter. 

"How are you two?" Karen asked when Kelley struggled to close the remaining 20 yards left till the front door. 

"Peachy. As always." Kelley said as she pulled the trash bag across the tile. 

"How long have you two been at it again?" Karen asked. 

"Um...a year, plus." Kelley said as she tried to remember when her and Ann had gotten together and she had lied to her mom about who her girlfriend was. 

"And she's still with you?" Karen asked her eyebrows riddling the joke behind her question. 

Kelley took a break from the surprising workout that this task was panning out to be. She chose not to respond to her mom's last question. 

"Is it different this time around?" Karen asked. 

"Yes, mom." Kelley said with a huff. This conversation about a fake relationship was already annoying her. 

"Okay." Karen replied with her hands in the air to protest her innocence.  

Kelley was glad when her mom left her alone to finish this task that was making her look pathetic. She opened the door and then pushed the trashbag out onto the driveway and she looked around to make sure that neither her mom, nor Christen could see the careless way she was throwing this semi-heavy bag of litter around like it was indestructible. Because she didn't anticipate the trash bin to be set up on the curb already, and she realized that she had ten more yards to cover than the anticipated five to the spot where the bin always was by the side of the house. 

The rubber cap on the end of her crutch provided a good surface so that it wouldn’t slip from her hands when she used that crutch to open the lid so she could throw the trash away. 

Throwing it in there was the hardest part. She had to throw the bag a good five yards and she couldn't do it with the crutches by her side. She was going to have to balance on one leg while she swung it up to throw. 

But Kelley wasn't a track and field Olympian. She didn't throw shotput. She was a soccer player. So even though she was successful in tossing the trash into the bin, she didn't have the arm strength nor the proper form to pull off this feat without the power of both of her legs, and for a second before she let go of it, she forgot that she wasn't superwoman and she put her bad foot down to balance her. 

Big mistake. 

Kelley bit down on her hand when she tried to prevent herself from screaming from the pain. Her body slowly fell back down onto the cement of the driveway when she gingerly raised her bad foot up into the air so that she could raise it up. 

"You need help?" 

Through the pain and the tears she wanted to wipe away so that she could hide her fragileness, she would recognize that voice anywhere. 

Kelley put her hand over her mouth to stop the sqeals of pain that had yet to come out, but also so that she didn't say anything stupid when she looked up to see Alex Morgan on the edge of her own driveway across the street from Kelley, staring at her with concern. 

Kelley didn't even respond, she didn't say anything when Alex just crossed the street and picked her up, without waiting for Kelley's response. She just wordlessly watched Alex pick up her crutches and set them underneath her arms. 

"Thanks." 

"Of course." 

Kelley looked at the very beautiful face of the girl next door. The girl that was always going to be the girl next door. 

"Hi." Alex said softly. 

Kelley had no idea what to say. She had spent her whole life trying to come up with the perfect words to say to Alex Morgan throughout her whole childhood, and if she thought that being 30 was going to make it easier for her now, well the nerves that were firing up all over her body told her that she was 30 and still screwed. 

The last thing Alex said to her a decade ago was 'bye' so even though this greeting she received now was customary, it felt very powerful. 

And the way Alex was looking at her made Kelley believe that Alex felt like it was, too. 

 

  * •



 

Christen didn't think to really go back downstairs to look for Kelley because she figured that it would have been good mother daughter time for the O'Hara's. Because no matter how much Kelley resisted it, Christen knew that Kelley always wanted her mom's approval. She just acted like she didn't need it because Kelley felt like she rarely got it. Christen never said that to Kelley, but she figured that it was obvious. 

So when it was almost an hour that had passed since she had excused herself, she was surprised to see the downstairs void of anyone's presence. 

Christen searched the rest of the house that she was allowed access to, before she saw through the window, Kelley standing and talking to a ridiculously pretty woman, an open trash can in between them. It was a weird sight but Christen could see the smile on the woman's face so it must have been an old classmate of Kelley's. Because that smile looked like she was happy to see something familiar. 

So Christen shrugged and decided to make the trek back upstairs, before she saw Kelley hand her phone to the woman, no doubtedly to put her phone number in it. She stayed to watch. 

She furrowed her brow when she observed Kelley standing at the end of their driveway and watched the woman go back inside her house after she waved her a goodbye. Kelley stood there for a long time after the woman had closed her door. 

 

  * •



 

 _Kelley slammed the lid of the trash can shut in an_ _attempt_ _to throw a fit in protest for her mom making her take out the trash AGAIN, even though it was Erin's week to do so._  

 _She was getting really sick and tired of how unfair everything was._  

 _She felt satisfied to hear the sound of the lid being shut bounce off the brick walls of the houses on her street, but it wasn't loud enough to drown out the sound of someone crying._  

 _It was Alex._  

 _Kelley stood there for a little bit, deciding on if she should cross the street and find out what was wrong, or turn back around and go inside and stay far away from the girl that told her to do just that, two months ago._  

 _But Alex was crying. Hard. And it was dark, so Kelley felt like it was okay for her to stand there for a little bit longer to decide what her next action was going to be._ _So_ _she felt like she would meet her former best friend halfway._  

 _"What's wrong?" Kelley called out into the night to the figure that was 15 yards away on the driveway across from hers._  

 _From the streetlight, she could see Alex lift her head and see who it was that was asking her a question. Kelley didn't take it as a good sign that at the sight of her, Alex started crying even harder._  

 _"He broke up with me." Kelley heard her neighbor cry out when she was halfway back to her own front door._  

 _Ke_ _lley_ _sighed. She hoped that Alex wouldn't cower away in shame or flinch from disgust at being associated with her when Kelley_ _sat down next to her on the ground._  

 _"Well he didn't deserve you._ _" Kelley whispered quietly._  

 _"Who deserves me_ _?" Alex said when she wiped her tears._  

 **_Me_ ** _._  

 _"I don't know Al." Kelley said with a voice that was void of any emotion. She had spent months trying to convince her best friend that he was not a good guy, and she didn't want to come back and be shitty and give her an 'I told you so.'_  

 _Because there was no need._  

 _Alex's decisions were the reason that Kelley didn't know how to comfort her lifelong best friend anymore._  

 _"Who do I deserve?!_ _" Alex cried out._  

 _Kelley shrugged._  

 _If there's anything she learned from the 19 years she's been on this Earth, it was that she should be a good person._ _So_ _she sat down next to this girl that she's been in love with since they were eight years old, knowing that Alex was going to act like this interaction never happened after tonight. Because underneath all of that makeup was the girl next door that she fell in love with, unconditionally._  

 _She did it even_ _though_ _she knew Alex was going to pretend like she didn't exist. Like she didn't spend her whole childhood in Kelley's bedroom doing homework or watching_ _movies, or_ _having sleepovers._  

 _"I don't deserve you."_  

 _Kelley turned to see Alex look at her with clear eyes that were magnified under the tears that were pooling in them._  

 _She_ _did_ _n't_ _know what to say._  

 _"Why are you here?"_  

 _Kelley didn't answer. She never did. Even when Alex had demanded an answer from her months ago, she didn't say anything._ _So_ _habitually, she didn't open her mouth._  

 _"Why are you here?!_ _" Alex demanded again._  

 _"Because you're sad."_  

 _"Because I'm sad? Seriously Kelley? Because I'm sad???"_  

 _"What do you want me to say?" Kelley asked with a shrug._  

 _"I want you to tell me it's because you're in love with me!"_  

 _Kelley didn't know how to swallow that down. She just watched Alex stand up._  

 _"I want you to just say something for once!!"_  

 _"Y-Y-You're here crying because some guy broke your heart-"_  

 _"I'm here balling my freaking eyes out because I've wasted me_ _whole_ _senior year, fucking waiting for you to tell me that you_ _love me!_ _"_  

 _Kelley stood up too. What Alex was saying couldn't be true._  

 _"You...you stopped talking to me._ _" Kelley said with anger. "You acted like you didn't know who I was. You-I-you've been ignoring me for the past freaking six months!_ _"_  

 _"I was ignoring you? I WAS IGNORING YOU?? Are you kidding me?_ _" Alex yelled._  

 _"Alex..._ _" Kelley shook her head in disbelief, "you chose him! Fuck- you've been with this guy for-_ _"_  

 _"I settled for him!" Alex said pointedly._  

 _"I was never an option for you." Kelley said. She would forever be heartbroken if this wasn't true._  

 _"Y_ _ou didn't choose me freshman year, you didn't choose me_ _sophomore_ _year, junior year, when we were kids. You didn't tell me I was an option!"  she further defended._  

 _"How have I not told you, Kelley?!?_ _"_  

 _Kelley wracked her brain for this memory that Alex said they shared. Kelley was pretty sure she would remember if Alex Morgan had told her she loved her._  

 _"I've been telling you since the day we first met._ _" Alex said weakly._  

 _Kelley felt her stomach drop._  

 _"I've been telling you every..._ _" Alex_ _looked like she was going to explode, "every damn day for 10_ _years._ _"_  

 _Kelley just stood there, flabbergasted._  

 _"Al, I-_ _"_  

 **_I didn't know._ **  

 _"How do you not know that I'm in love with you?_ _" Alex asked with a shake to her head._  

 

 

 


	2. Just Another One of my Assumptions

 

  * •



 

 

“Well technically she’s the girl across the street. I mean… she doesn’t really live _next_ to you. So, she really can’t be the girl next do-“

“Dude.”

“I’m just saying.” Sammy said with a shrug.

Kelley rolled her eyes before she shifted her weight to her other crutch.

“You getting used to those?” Sammy asked when she pointed at the metal beneath Kelley’s arms.

“Eh.” Kelley shrugged. “I get to poke Christen in the butt with it from afar, so they’re cool in that way.”

“So, uh…” Sammy took the earbud that she left in her right ear and let it dangle around her neck.

“How long have you and your girl known each other?”

It took Kelley a second to realize Sammy was talking about her best friend. She tried to remember the story she had set for the people back home.

“Oh! Uh….I mean I’ve known her since college.”

“So, you guys like…serious?”

Kelley shifted to the other crutch, “Well I mean-“

“Cuz like it sounds like Alex wants to hang out. Like HANG OUT.” Sammy said with a raised eyebrow.

Kelley just leaned on her crutches while she thought on how she was going to navigate through this conversation with a really good childhood friend of hers. Sammy was cool, and it sort of felt wrong to fake it with her. She was gonna be back home for a while, so she hesitated to start her time here on a messy lie. With her mom, well that was a different story. She felt no guilt there.

“Chris and I are…complicated.”

“So, you’re not together?” Sammy asked her again. Her eyebrow raised even more.

“Oh hey!”

The two of them turned to see Christen coming out of the house, with a big smile aimed at Kelley’s friend.

“Sam, right?”

“You can call me whatever.” She said as she wiped the sweat from her face from her run, so that she could look a little more presentable. She grinned at the smirk on Christen’s face, and how Kelley had stiffened. For Sammy, it was always about busting Kelley’s chops.

“I made tacos. Want some?” Christen asked.

“Ah well…”

“Sam’s on a run Chris.  So, I’m sure she doesn’t want to throw up on her way home.” Kelley said when she gave Sammy a smirk of her own.

Sam chuckled as she got the hint.

“I gotta head out anyways. But rain check?”

“Sure.” Christen smiled.

Kelley waited until her old friend turned on the street corner and out of vision before she turned to her best friend.

“She likes you.” Kelley said.

Christen chuckled. She just shook her head at the levity of the situation she had interrupted between Kelley and her friend. She walked back to the door so that she could eat her dinner.

“Are you into her?” Christen heard Kelley ask as she hobbled with the aluminum sticks.

She didn’t answer her best friend because she didn’t even know Sam, and she was set on eating as quickly as possible. It was a courtesy to tell Kelley that she had made food for the both of them, but if she had stayed out there longer with her bro friend, Christen was pretty sure that she would have eaten it all. She heard the sound of Kelley’s crutching speed up a little against the tile of her hallway.

“Chris?”

She rolled her eyes but gave Kelley a smile when they had reached the kitchen.

“So, when are you and Alex going to hang out?” Christen asked as she set aside some food for Kelley’s mom before she split the remaining evenly amongst her and her best friend.

Then she felt a pain on her right butt cheek. And she saw the rubber stopper of a crutch that was poking her, and the satisfied grin on Kelley’s face.

“You do that one more ti-“

“Answer my question.” Kelley pushed. She put her crutches aside when she hopped to Christen to grab her food. She leaned on her friend to get her balance so that she could lower herself onto the seat at the table.

“Kell.  I’m your ‘girlfriend’ remember?” Christen responded with a smirk.

“Okay.” Kelley chewed on her food and dropped the subject when she watched Christen slowly slip out of the kitchen with a sly grin to watch the game on the big tv in the living room, tacos in hand.

“That’s mean!” Kelley yelled from her seated position. She groaned when she heard her best friend snicker. This was the consequence of having some fun with her crutches. Christen made sure that if Kelley really wanted to be funny with them, then she would make Kelley walk far with them. Because she knew that Kelley wasn’t going to eat tacos alone.

 

  * •



 

Kelley looked down at her hoodie to make sure that she didn’t look like a complete slob after devouring those tacos. She checked the length of her sweatpants. She breathed into her hand to make sure that her breath was acceptable

She determined that she was fairly satisfied with her appearance. It looked relaxed and unplanned, yet fitting of her brand of cool. But she shook her head in disbelief of herself because nowadays she didn’t really know what her brand of cool was anymore.

She stood up straight when she heard the sound of tires slowing down on pavement and she saw the lights of a car turning into a driveway of the house across from her mom’s.

She ditched the crutches and walked on her boot out the door with the bag of garbage she had fabricated to serve as a prop for her ploy. She grimaced a little when she put weight on her right foot. but this moment was more important than the pain that she should be able to handle. She slowed down and tried to look casual when she walked over to the garbage can on the side of her house.

“Hey.”

It worked. She heard that voice that she didn’t know her body needed to hear for the last ten years.    

“Oh hey, Al.” She called out to the figure across the street.

“I think you’re supposed to be walking with crutches.” She heard the smile in Alex’s raspy and exhausted voice. Kelley felt her heart explode and her stomach jump a little to see the girl next door swinging her keys on her finger, walking towards her like she’s been waiting for this moment all day. At least, Kelley hoped she was. Because Kelley sure was waiting all day for this little moment.

“It’s not that big of an injury.” Kelley shrugged.

The way Alex narrowed her eyes and looked on at her suspiciously told her that Alex could still see through her bullshit. Even after ten years.

“Well you were always tough.” Alex said with a nod to her head. “Guess that’s why you’re a superstar.”

Kelley felt herself soften at Alex’s old nickname for her. She watched as Alex stepped into her personal bubble right there on her driveway and every nerve in her body was firing. This was the first person in the world that made her feel like a superstar. She needed to be reminded now more than ever.

“How was work?” Was all Kelley could come up with in response to Alex’s dazzling yet bone weary smile. It was still the same kind of smile Kelley remembered seeing when she would walk her home back in the day.

“Kids are…kids.” Alex said, the exhaustion that was layered with her smile made sense.

“They are. I’m trying to imagine how hard it would be if you had me in your class when I was 12.”

“I would have quit.” Alex said with a nod to her head.

“Aww. I’m great! I was great!” Kelley said playfully. But they both knew that she was a handful as a kid. Little Kelley was a tough and feisty one that didn’t learn when to stop talking back to teachers until she had reached high school. Alex was the one that had to tell her to calm down. She was usually _the only_ one that could calm her down.

“You weren’t great. You were…”

Kelley held onto her breath.

She couldn’t put down her phone all day for more than two seconds because she was either replying to a text from Alex, or rereading their conversation. The thrill of a message gave her an adrenaline rush, but it wasn’t compared to looking at the woman Alex had become, trying to come up with a word that would describe Kelley. An identity that Kelley would cherish if it came from Alex.

“Unbelievably endearing.”

Kelley smiled.

“You became such a sweet person.”

Alex was standing so close to her and it was making her shy and nervous. It was making her feel like a little girl in love again. She couldn’t help but lower her head in bashful gratitude.

Kelley didn’t want to ruin it.

She wanted to extend the thrill of the exposition of whatever this beautiful and unexpected meeting with Alex was. She wanted to find something new about Alex everyday. And the way she called her sweet, it brought on a forceful wave of nostalgia. Kelley wanted that to be the last thing she thought about before she went to sleep.

So, she shifted her weight onto her good foot, and tilted her head to the side so that Alex wouldn’t be able to reject her adorableness (she hoped it was adorable).

“Can I walk you to your door?”

She never asked as a kid. But there were enough suns that had set since she last walked Alex Morgan home, and she wanted to do it right this time.

“Sure you can make the trek, superstar?” Alex asked as she nodded to her driveway that was a good 40 yards away.

“Maybe if I lean on you?”

One of the holes in Kelley’s heart would be filled if Alex would let her.

She just watched as Alex’s hand grabbed her own. It cured something inside of her that Kelley thought was incurable.

She just let this much more confident Alex throw Kelley’s arm over her shoulders.

“I thought you’d never ask.”

 

  * •



 

“How did it go?” Christen called out at the sound of Kelley’s crutches clicking their way awkwardly up the stairs.

She could hear pauses in the thuds of Kelley’s steps and she could imagine the struggle Kelley was suffering through. She put her phone down onto the nightstand before she made her way to go and help her.

“I can do it!”Kelley whined when Christen had stepped eight steps down to get to her best friend and offered to help.

“You’re going to hurt yourself.”

“Christen. I’m not fucking useless!” Kelley defended when she threw the crutches aside that tumbled down the stairs out of frustration.

The raven-haired woman just let out a dry chuckle at Kelley’s behavior. Christen knew that she was going to reach this point with Kelley sooner or later. She just walked down the steps right past Kelley, shaking her head, needing distance from her so that she wouldn’t blow up at someone in obvious pain.

They were both tired. They had both been through this rehab process with each other before. She knew Kelley wasn’t the best patient. Nor the best friend, nor the best girlfriend when she was injured.  Christen didn’t want this to be something she would have to deal with at the end of the day.

“Wait-“

Christen ignored whatever attempt Kelley was going to make to repairing things. Because as expected, no other words had escaped from her best friend’s mouth. Typical.

Christen heard Kelley sign in disappointment when Christen turned on the big TV so that she could fall asleep on the couch to some background noise.

She didn’t hear anything else from upstairs other than a ‘Fuck!’ that Kelley had let out minutes later from somewhere in her bedroom. Christen just let her eyelids droop.

And she didn’t wake up until it was midnight and she opened her eyes at the sensation of Karen’s hand on her arm to wake her up, asking ‘Why are you on the couch?’

 

  * •



 

Eventually they were going to have to break through the ice that had formed in between them. They’ve done it before.

When Karen had left for work, Christen went back upstairs to Kelley’s room to retrieve her phone that she had left up there before she witnessed Kelley’s tantrum.

She opened the door so that she wouldn’t make any noise, but she realized that it wasn’t necessary because Kelley was already awake. She was laying on the bed with her own phone in her hand, and she looked up when Christen made her entrance.

Without skipping a beat, she just crossed the length of the room, to grab her phone that she had left on the nightstand. She didn’t say anything when Kelley had dropped the phone in her hand at the sight of her and aimed her sad eyes in her direction. But it was too early in the morning for Christen to address anything. She wasn't ready to break the ice right now.

And it wasn’t until she was peeing in the guest room bathroom on the first floor of Kelley’s house when she looked down at her phone to see texts from Kelley that were sent last night.

K: I’m an idiot. 10:29

K: I’m sorry 12:06

The third message wasn’t sent until 2:37 am

K: I don’t want you to think I can’t handle it this time.

K: please let me start over 2:45 am

It wasn’t until she was out the door to pick up the recommended brace from the doctor’s office that she replied to Kelley’s texts.

Chris: I’m going to pick up your brace and I’ll be back later.

And it wasn’t until she was on the road that she realized that she didn’t know how she was going to kill time here in Georgia, because she didn’t know anyone else in this city besides Kelley. She groaned, because she didn’t know how she was going to survive this ‘vacation’ from her own stressful and miserable life.

Because it didn’t feel like a ‘vacation’

 

  * •



 

“You really are something else, Kell.” Sam said with a shake to her head.

“Look, I don’t know how to explain it other than that Chris won’t care if I’m talking to Alex.” Kelley said.

“So, it’s an open deal…on both sides?”

Kelley shrugged. “I guess.”

“Speaking of…” Sam’s voice trailed off when they saw Christen’s car slowing down as it came closer and turned into the driveway. The both of them watched the subject of their conversation get out of the car.

“You must not have any friends if you’re only hanging out with this one?” Christen called out to Sam. Kelley noticed that her best friend had yet to look her way when she walked over to them.

“Do you want to be my friend?” Sam asked with a sly grin.

“Sure. What does being your friend entail?” Christen threw back as she pulled the box that contained the brace and gave it to Kelley.

“Drinks.” Sammy said with a shrug.

“All of us. You, me, Kell, and whoever. People from high school.”

Kelley groaned.

“Sure. You’ll buy me a drink?” Christen smirked.

“Definitely.” Sammy said with a confident grin.

“I still owe you a drink, Chris. Remember?” Kelley asked.

“Drinks all around.” The raven-haired woman exclaimed without looking at Kelley  

 

  * •



 

“Hey.”

Kelley scooted over when she saw Alex heading in their direction and she hoped that Alex would come back into that personal bubble of hers like she did last night. Kelley was the only one that was seated because of her leg, her butt was on top of the wooden table, and her feet resting on the bench seats.

“It’s a little….amazing, to see you.” Alex said quietly so that the other people in the group wouldn’t hear her.

“I mean I know I saw you last night, but-“ Alex reasoned.

“No, I- I get it, I…it’s…Al, I…”

“Yeah.” Alex said softly. Kelley was glad that the woman before her understood that she was just as awestruck of this occurrence as her. She felt her heart beat fast when Alex sat down next to her.

“So, did you ever apologize?”

Kelley sighed. She chuckled a little because back in the day, Alex usually let the conversation settle a little bit more before she got to the point.

“I did.” Kelley nodded. “But she wasn’t having it.”

“Something tells me,” Kelley felt the fervid rush of blood go to her cheeks when Alex leaned in closer and said, “that you didn’t say you were sorry in person.”

Alex was looking at her softly and knowingly. _I know you._

Kelley couldn’t tear her eyes away.

“I…”

She didn’t really have a response to that.

“It’s not that hard to do, by the way.” Alex said. Her eyes winked a little, kind of like she was challenging her to do something.

“To do what?”

“To say you’re sorry.” Again, Alex smiled.

Kelley wanted to explain that it wasn’t that she had an inability to realize when she was wrong, because hell she was always wrong. It was just that sometimes the sorrow on someone’s face that she disappointed expended her the ability to function. She hated failure. And she hated that she was good at failing when it came to the women in her life.

She was starting to feel that self hatred again. She couldn’t cope with herself right now. Kelley started to doubt the goodness attached to her name again at the thought of disappointing someone.

“You want to know how easy it is?” Alex asked. She bumped Kelley’s chin up with to meet her eyes.

Alex didn’t wait for a response.

“I’m sorry I never told you that I fell in love with you the day I met you.” Alex said with a nod and an unwavering gaze.

Kelley wasn’t expecting Alex to have addressed the bruise on the fruit of their friendship so soon. When it came to the two of them, on both sides, it was always vague. There was always something not said when they parted ways, or they hung up on the phone with each other when they were kids. Kelley couldn’t remember how many times she had waved a goodbye through Alex’s window before she headed back to her own house, and she wanted to turn back around and tell her that she didn’t want her to go out with that guy she just met last week.

But that statement, that apology, pierced through any sort of bullshit that two people could have created in this life.

“You fell in love with me when you were eight?” Kelley asked.

“I fell in love with you when I was eight.” Alex affirmed with a whisper into her ear before she left a lingering kiss on Kelley’s cheek, and then left to get something from the bar.

It happened so fast.

Their reconnection had just happened last night. 24 hours hadn’t even past since getting Alex’s number, and already there was at least 100 texts between them.

The two of them had spent years without each other.

She wondered how it was possible for this to feel so right, so fast.

Because nothing ever felt like this.

 

  * •



 

Christen was actually really glad that it had worked out so that she would just meet Sammy and Kelley at the bar. She had spent a good chunk of the afternoon on a call with her agent trying to come up with a game plan for her future, and she was surprised that it turned out to be a good ‘break’ from her ‘break.’

No solutions were configured, but at least she was doing something for herself.

When Kelley and Sam were looking to head out, Christen had stayed on the call, hoping for it to be an excuse not to go out, but as she walked in and saw all of the people surrounding Sam and Kelley, she figured that maybe she could make other friends here.

“Hey. You want that drink now?” Sammy called out to her.

And Christen was glad to see the very interested eyes of all the people that turned around to look at who Sam Kerr was talking to.

 

  * •



 

Sam Kerr was harmless.

And fun. So much fun.

In 30 minutes, Christen had everyone talking to her because Sam had been a good host that navigated her through the crowd. She met some women Kelley and Sam used to play soccer with, she met some random Mutuals that knew people who knew friends of people, and so on. And Sam even made Christen’s encounter with Kelley smooth. Enough time had passed for the Christen to let it die.

“Hey.”

Christen smiled back at Kelley in response. Then she looked at the pretty woman next to her.

“You must be Alex. Hey I’m Christen, Kelley’s friend.” Christen said with a big grin. The woman returned it.

“I actually know who you are. You’re sort of a big deal.” Alex replied.

“How so?” Christen chuckled.

Alex looked like she wanted to say something, but then she stopped herself.  

“Well I mean I tweeted out #freeChristenPress like 20 times when Houston pulled all of that.”

“Ah.”Christen nodded. Reminders of her real life always popped up.

“Well I appreciate it. I really do.” Christen said softly. She looked at Kelley to give her the ‘I like her’ nod, but Kelley was staring at someone behind her.

“Well Kell says that she owes you a drink.” Alex said when she nodded to the bar. “Let’s go put something on her tab.”

Christen really liked her.

 

**

 

“So, uh. Kelley’s friend huh?” Christen turned to Sam mumbling in her ear when they had all sat down on a table and Kelley and Alex were off to the side by themselves.

Christen smirked at her friend.

“What are you asking me Kerr?”

The woman shrugged. “You’re Kelley’s friend? Not girlfriend? Cuz that didn’t go over my head when you introduced yourself to girl next door over there.”

Christen chuckled.

“I’m Kelley’s friend.”

“Then why did she say girlfriend when I first met you?” Sam pushed.

Again, Christen shrugged.

“I don’t know. It’s kell’s story not mine. I’m just in town for a little bit to help her out and kickstart her rehab. It kinda just worked out. I’m in that weird limbo of ‘am I gonna play? Am I not gonna play?’ crap. Got some experience with rehab and with Kelley, so-“

She shrugged. Sammy nodded.

“And its free room and board while I figure my shit out and it’s paying for this drink in my hand right now.”

Sam smiled.

“Well you’re here. You said for a bit. How long?”

Christen didn’t have the answer to that question.

“I ask…because I got a friend of mine who keeps blowing up my phone asking who you are.”

Christen smirked. That was some fun news.

“Oh yeah. And who is that?” She asked with a grin.

“So, don’t look now, but it’s that chick who’s standing by my girlfriend Nikki by the bar.”

Christen waited ten seconds before she turned her head to check out whoever this woman was.

Her eyebrows twitched up at the sight of this stranger that Sam was referring to.

 

  * •



 

“So, I was your first kiss?” Kelley asked to confirm.

“Yeah. Duh.”

“Well. Can you blame me for not being sure?” Kelley asked with a smirk.

Alex shook her head. No, she couldn’t blame Kelley.

Kelley was leaning on Alex’s car in the parking lot and she tried to calm her nerves when she felt her childhood friend wrap her arms around her torso and clung onto her like she never had before. The soccer player made sure to wrap Alex into her jacket, trying to hold onto this sensation that she never felt back then. She didn’t want it to be fleeting.

“I don’t think I was strong enough for…us.” Alex said thoughtfully.

“I mean, I THOUGHT that it was clear that I had no knowledge of your liking to me like that…” Kelley smirked. “I’m pretty fucking clueless.”

“That you are.” Alex nodded, a big smile on her face. But the curiosity soon settled on her face.

“Look at me now.”  She gently ordered.

Kelley didn’t think she could look away.

“Think about us back then and you look at me now, do you doubt how much I loved you back then?” She asked a little desperately.

“Do you doubt it now?” she added.

Kelley’s eyes searched side to side because she was still getting used to this very direct Alex. Kelley felt like the both of them had wasted a childhood amount of time, so she got it.

“The only reason I would doubt it NOW, is not because of you. It would be because of me.” Kelley whispered. She felt the nervousness creep up. She held Alex’s stare, as the girl was leaning into her.

“Is it because of this?”

Kelley felt Alex tap her right leg without breaking their eye contact.

She sighed. It was that obvious. Her gaze directed back down to her feet.

“That’s your weakness. Always has been.” Alex said knowingly.

“My ankle?”

Alex shook her head. She moved her finger from Kelley’s leg and onto the spot over her heart.

“Yourself.”

 

  * •



 

“Ooop! Looks like you ruined a moment Sammy…” Christen grimaced.

She hid behind the group of her new friends, so she wouldn’t be caught as an accomplice.

“Oh shit.” Sam said.

Christen’s new friends all agreed when they looked on at the couple that had turned their gazes away from each other to look at the crowd coming up to them.

“Oh well.” Sam said. She led the pack to Kelley and Alex.

“You two gonna join us at my place?” Sam asked.

“Uh. Maybe.” Christen saw Kelley check her watch while some of the people in the group discussed the logistics. Meanwhile, Christen felt her stomach jump when her new friend that Sam had introduced her to came to stand next to her.  They didn’t talk, but when their eyes did meet the two of them quickly looked away. It felt like middle school all over again.

 “Hey. “

She turned to see Kelley right next to her, her crutches holding her up.

“What are your plans? Are you coming home or are you going to Sammy’s?”

She thought it over. She looked over at the woman right next to her who was avoiding her stare and making it look like she wasn’t listening.

 “Well what are you going to do?” Christen asked her best friend.

“Well. I mean I…I guess I’ll hang out with Al a little more but I mean we’ll go to her house or mine so- I don’t know I can just give you a ride already.” Kelley said.

That didn’t sound like something she would find fun.

“I guess I’ll just go to Sam’s and- you know, give you and Alex some privacy?” Christen suggested.

“I mean- it’s not.” Kelley stopped herself from continuing. She rethought her words. “Well who are you going to hang with?”

“Sam?” Christen asked. She wasn’t too sure why it mattered.

“Kay.”

Christen knew enough to know that Kelley wasn’t satisfied with that answer. But she didn’t know enough to know why.

But tonight was a fun one, and she had just made some really cool friends that she didn’t want to get away from just yet.

Maybe she could find something other than Kelley to keep her in this town for a bit.

Or maybe someone.

 

  * •



 

“I’ll take you home.”

 She turned again to see Kelley right behind her as she stood outside her car by the driver’s seat when she was getting ready to head out with the rest of the group that had loitered in the parking lot for another 30 minutes after Christen had made the decision to go without her.

Apparently, Kelley wanted to aggressively bridge the distance created between them since last night. Christen knew that she usually got like this when they had a fight.

And Kelley didn’t look too happy.

“I’m fine! Have fun with Alex.” Christen waved.

“Who’s driving you?” Kelley pushed.

“I literally had three beers, Kell. Less than you.” She reminded her friend gently.

“Yeah. So Alex will drive us home.  She had less than that.” Kelley reasoned.

“Kell. I love you, but I’m not gonna end my night now just so that you can go get some. You don’t need to worry about when I’m out.”

She just rolled her eyes at Kelley’s pissed off expression at her response.

“You know she has a girlfriend, right?” Kelley spat.

Christen didn’t even choose to respond. Because yes, she knew Sam had a girlfriend and no, she wasn’t stupid. Also, Sam didn’t see her that way, no matter what Kelley believed.

maybe a small part of Christen knew that a part of Kelley was probably just looking out for her, but that question that her best friend just asked her seemed to come with so many assumptions, and most importantly, judgement.

“I’m just saying, there’s no reason for you to pursue that.” Kelley said witha shrug that told Christen that told her that Kelley undeniably cared.

“I’m not ‘pursuing’ anything Kell.” Christen replied indignantly.

“Fine.”

“Fine.”

Kelley just grumbled and crutched away back to the car she was leaning on before she had come up right behind Christen. Apparently, it was the freckled woman’s turn to be pissed off at something Christen said. The difference though was that Christen wasn’t going to apologize like Kelley should have last night.

The raven-haired woman believed with all of her heart, that there was nothing to apologize for.

 

  * •



 

 “Just sit. Erin’s not gonna get mad that you’re using it to rest your leg.”

“Well come sit next to me.” Kelley said softly. She patted this spot on the bed of Erin’s truck that was parked in her mom’s driveway.

“I’d rather just stand here in front and look at you.” Alex said.

Kelley’s eyes dropped down to see the vision of her foot and boot swinging off the bed of Erin’s truck so that she could compose herself from Alex’s forwardness.

“You…are…different.”

“Yeah.” Alex said with a solemn nod and her playful nature halted a little when she agreed with Kelley’s observation.

“I hope I am.” She said with an intense gaze. Her eyes were coated with caution and fear, but also a little gratitude. It seemed like Kelley’s words validated something that this woman had been needing to be validated  for a _long_ time. A really long time. Kelley wondered if this something had to with her.

“It’s because of you.” Alex nodded, like she was answering the question that Kelley as asking in her head.

“I hope that is a…good thing?”

“It is.” Alex affirmed.

 

  * •



 

 _It was weird to be walking home with the very person tha_ t _had been avoiding her all day. Kelley figured that Alex would have stood her up when it came to their usually rendezvous at the bus stop after school, so she was surprised to see her best friend standing against the rails._

_“Let me walk you home.”_

_Kelley sort of dreaded the thought of having to walk all the way home with the person who was making it very clear that last night was a mistake. But at the same time, she wondered why Alex had been waiting for her in the first place after what had happened between them._

_“Kell. We don’t- you- you don’t have to walk me home if you don’t want to.”_

_I want to._

_“Do you want me to walk you home?” Kelley responded. She was already waiting for the rejection that she felt had come last night._

_“It’s whatever you want, Kell.” Alex said when she avoided Kelley’s stare now like she had been all day._

_Kelley never replied but when she started walking in the direction to their houses, she turned and waited until Alex got the hint that she was waiting for her to follow._

_She clapped her hands together and tried to let her nervousness abate. With Alex nowadays, she was always nervous. Things had changed ever since Alex had gotten with that guy that Kelley didn’t even make the effort to remember his name, and she wished that she could pinpoint what it was that had changed things._

_Kelley didn’t know what she had done to make Alex a little more distant before last night._

_“So um…” She ran her fingers through her ponytail. She wasn’t going to bring it up, but she did want to fill the silence with something. Her ‘umms’ didn’t sound soothing, though. And Alex just continued to walk, not even attempting to help Kelley fill the awkwardness._

_“H-How was…Can we talk…um- how-”_

_Can we talk about last night?_

_“How was your day?” She asked, instead._

_They went through the small talk that just felt so painful to weather through. Her and Alex didn’t do small talk, that wasn’t them. They were two connected souls that could revel in comfortable silence, or talk nonstop for hours about the things that mattered to them most in life. For Kelley, it was Alex that she always liked to talk about._

_But this walk home that they spent talking about classes and the homework they had to do and subjects they would have never talked about, was starting to show Kelley what it was going to be like ever since she had pulled that stunt last night._

_She just stood at the end of Alex’s driveway and watched her best friend walk inside her home, and she spent ten minutes standing there, wishing that she knew what it was that she was supposed to say or ask in order for things to go back to the way they were for the past 13/14 years._

_“You should smile.” Her mom said to her when she slowly closed the front door behind her._

_“Why?” Kelley replied irritably._

_“Because it’s a beautiful day.” Karen said._

_Kelley just rolled her eyes._

_“Where’s Alex? It’s Thursday, shouldn’t she be coming ov-”_

_“Nope.”_

_“Did something happen? Did you two get into a fi-”_

_“No mom! Geez! Stay out of my business!”_

_She turned to the side to see Erin smirking at her when their mom went into a 60 second lecture about Kelley’s tone._

_She just stormed her way up to her bedroom halfway through the lecture so that she could escape this unfair punishment about not wanting to have a conversation about someone that didn’t want to have Kelley in her life anymore._

_It all just didn’t make sense._

_She paced the length of her room for hours and looked out the window to stare at the house Alex was in. She tried to relive every interaction with her best friend that could have created this behavior from her. Kelley thought that she had given Alex enough space after she had expressed her opinion on that guy. She thought that she had done everything in her power to let Alex know that she was happy for her if she was happy. She thought that she had kept her love for Alex under wraps._

_Until last night._

_She sat back down onto her bed while she replayed all the mistakes she made last night_.

 

  * •



 

“You’re telling me that Ann broke up with you. But why do I think that’s not true?” Alex said with a raised eyebrow.

“I mean she basically did. I made all the mistakes in the world with her.”

“Did she really?” Kelley looked down to see Alex’s hand in her own. The both of them laughed a little to acknowledge this very trivial gesture that meant the world to the both of them as 30-year olds.

“Basically.”

“How’d you break up with her?” Alex asked in defiance of Kelley’s lie.

Kelley sighed.

“I told her that she was going to get sick of me when I was going through all this ankle shit.  So, I didn’t want to hurt her. So…yeah.” She replied miserable.

“Why do you make all these assumptions?”

“Because I think my first love hated me for not making them. Regretted it ever since.”

Alex pursed her lips before she nodded.

 _Touché_.

"What assumptions did you make with Christen that made her hate you tonight?" Alex asked curiously before she hopped onto the bed of Erin's truck to sit right next to Kelley.

 

  * •



 

Kelley always associated Christen Press with pain.

She would never forget the first time they had met.

It was sophomore year, at the beginning of the season, when Kelley had failed to take it easy during warmups. She was supposed to be easing into the practice, warming her muscles up. The 5v5 possession drill was just for them to get their bodies moving, not to go all out like it was the World Cup.But of course, Kelley didn't listen. And two minutes in, when she had tackled a teammate of hers, she rolled her ankle for the first time.

_It wasn't a sprain, just a mini roll that was enough to make her step out and hope to the sidelines where her coach was going to tell her to go and get looked at._

_Kelley didn't appreciate that. And she let everyone who would listen know that she didn't appreciate it. Even the cute girl was wrapping her ankle in the training room._

_Her anger was so fierce, and she felt the world so unjust, but when she caught sight of the girl who was walking over to tape it up after the head guy said that it was just minor and to cease play for a week, Kelley started rambling even more so that this girl wouldn’t go away. She couldn't take back the embarrassing way she was throwing a fit, and when this girl was looking at her like she was crazy and that she needed to calm down, Kelley just wouldn't shut up. She didn’t know if that was the right thing to do but she couldn’t help it._

_This really cute girl just nodded along and smirked at her when Kelley detailed how unfair her coach was being for making her take care of herself._

_"Sounds like you're a whiny baby." The girl said, that smirk still present._

_Kelley felt taken aback for a second because this was the first words that the girl had uttered._

_“Relax, O’Hara.” She said when she pulled the tape back to re-apply it in a better looking way. She finally met eyes with Kelley when she looked up to find that Kelley actually shut up._

_“Um.” Kelley felt nervous all of a sudden. This girl was looking right at her and had just insulted her, and Kelley felt like she needed to be the one to apologize for her behavior._

_But she didn't do that._

_"Well, I guess you just wouldn't understand what it's like to be an athlete." Kelley said. She didn't realize how condescending that sounded until the girl just chuckled before she said, 'Wow' quietly, and looped a piece of tape around Kelley's ankle so tight that it stung, before she walked away._

_It wasn't the best of impressions._

_And Kelley hoped that she would catch sight of this girl again the next day when she would be required to skip practice to do some sort of rehab for her ankle, so that she could make it right. She had learned from her past that she should make things right._

_She felt something flutter inside of her when she was sitting on the counter and she saw the girl roll her eyes when she realized it was Kelley that was sitting, waiting for her ankle to be taped again._

_"You're really good at that." Kelley said when the girl just silently started her task._

_"Yeah, well you don't have to be an athlete to know how to wrap ankles so..."_

_Kelley gulped._

_"I was just angry. And I said a really stupid thing." She said quietly. Kelley hated that this girl didn't look up at her as she continued with her taping. Which, it seemed like she was doing much quicker than yesterday. She could tell that this girl didn't want to spend anymore time with the bitch that insulted her._

_"Well, thanks." Kelley said softly when trainer girl just walked away without saying a word when she was done. The consequences of her actions and the rejection she felt from this girl she didn't even know stung almost just as much as the ankle roll from the day before._

_And everyday for two weeks, it seemed like Christen was getting better and better at taping Kelley's ankle, and in a shorter amount of time each day. By the tenth day, Kelley thought that this mystery trainer must have broken the record of the fastest ankle taping. And the tenth day was when she finally found out what her name was._

_"YOU'RE Christen Press...?"_

_Kelley felt her stomach drop. What was this school's number one recruited player doing taping ankles?? She surmised by Christen's smirk that she probably would have known what Christen looked like if Kelley had shown up to any camps during the summer and known that Christen had sprained her ankle in June, and was just doing this rotation for one of her kinesiology classes. Kelley felt like an idiot when she saw the little compression sleeve that was on Christen's left leg. The one that had to have been there the whole time._

_"I mean, I just assumed you we-"_

_"Well, it made you look like an ass." Christen said when she met Kelley's eyes. But there seemed to be a playful nature to it. Clearly Kelley's cluelessness had both fucked things up AND saved her._

_"Well...can I make it up to you?" Kelley asked in a small voice when Christen started putting up the rolls of tape she had used._

_"Oh yeah? And how would you do that, O'Hara?" Christen called behind her back when she organized the supplies._

_"I would take you out on a date."_

_Kelley figured that Christen Press already thought she was an ass. So if she wasn't into girls, or if she wasn't into her, then Christen's perception of Kelley wouldn't have changed even though she had just asked her out._

_"That was bold." Christen nodded in appreciation._

_"Well, ya know..." Kelley smirked. She really had nothing to lose when it came to this really hot girl that was already annoyed with her._

_"How do you know that I would say yes to that?" Christen asked curiously._

_"Just another one of my assumptions."_

 

  * •



 

Kelley tried to fall asleep, but it was so hard to.

How could she fall asleep when just an hour ago she had almost kissed Alex Morgan? THE Alex Morgan. The girl that Kelley would always associate the word 'almost' with.

"I'm not leaving for college." Alex had whispered when Kelley had pulled on her hand to spin her back around so that Alex wouldn't have walked back without kissing her.

"We have all the time in the world." Alex said with this glance that reassured Kelley that the moment could be more special. That they could still have that second kiss and it would be a better one if Kelley just waited to find out who Alex was NOW.

"Like you said, I'm not the same. And you're not either." Alex kissed her on the cheek.

"So maybe we can do it right this time?"

 

  * •



 

Christen was actually really surprised to see Kelley passed out on the twin bed when it was only midnight. Christen had a lot of fun with her new friends and Sam's friend that has asked for her number, but she did listen to Kelley's words in that she should have been careful when it came to continuing to drink when she was going to be driving home.

So she got home earlier than expected, but apparently so did Kelley.

She tried her hardest to be quiet as she undressed and searched around in her luggage for some clothes to sleep in so that she wouldn't wake up the sleeping figure. Christen threw on her big, soft t-shirt over her body, and grabbed her phone that lit up with a text from Sam's friend before she walked back out of Kelley's room to sleep on the couch.

"Where are you going?"

She stopped in the hallway at the sound of Kelley's saddened voice. And for a second she considered acting like she didn't hear it. But Kelley sounded sad, and there were many times in the past when she should have stayed when Kelley was sad. Maybe this would make up for it. 

“I'm gonna sleep on the couch. I don't want to squish you-"

She stopped when she saw with her eyes that had adjusted to the dark, Kelley throw open one side of the blanket for her best friend to get under.

Christen knew that Kelley was giving her a little. And she loved Kelley enough to acknowledge it, so she surrendered and found refuge in her bed.

She let Kelley wrap her arms around her like she usually did, especially after a fight of theirs, and just laid close to her so that Kelley's breathing could relax and calm her to sleep. This position they were in, sleeping right next to each other, was when Christen could find peace with Kelley, with their past, and with their present.

"Did you have fun?" Kelley's sleepy voice rang out when she had snuggled in even closer and closed the distance between their heads on Kelley's favorite pillow.

"I did." Christen replied. She grazed Kelley's face with her hand to let her know that she appreciated the ask. It was a sign that they were still friends after all of it.

"Oh yeah? Did you have fun with Sammy and her girlfriend?" Kelley had her eyes closed but she was smiling and it was a light way to tell Christen that she knew she was being an asshole earlier for her accusations.

"No, Kell." Christen said with a light chuckle of her own.

"I just hung out with her friend all night and drank a beer and now I'm back here."

"Oh yeah? Who? Do I know 'em?" With the tone of how she asked it, Christen could tell that Kelley was not going to listen to her response because even though she was keeping up the niceties, she was two seconds from falling asleep. So Christen settled in to fall asleep herself.

"I don't know, Kell." She mumbled to get more comfortable.

"Her name's Tobin."

Christen closed her eyes and waited for her mind to settle into a peaceful place to the soundtrack of Kelley's breathing.

But then she realized that it was dead silent.

She opened her eyes and grew confused.

Kelley had an intensely furrowed brow that showed that she was wide awake now.

 

 

 


	3. Dressed up for Disappointment

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Very short chapter. But I figured that short chapters are better than my usual length updates that would come only once a month (shrug)?

 

The ride home was a quiet one, as expected. Christen didn’t dare turn her head to the side to look at Kelley, and neither did she. The sound of the air conditioner blasting was the only sound that paired with the sound of the tires rolling over the pavement at great speeds. Not one sound came from the two humans in the car.  

As expected.  

Christen wanted to reach over and soothe Kelley in some form or fashion but she knew better. The doctor didn’t know Kelley like Christen did. He didn’t know that the news he just gave her was going to be a blow to Kelley’s ego, a mind fuck for Christen, and a burdensome month on the O’Hara’s. 

She wasn’t a doctor, but she had been there to tape every one of Kelley’s progressively worse and subsequent ankle injuries since her first one her sophomore year. She knew what was demanded of Kelley’s body, and what it went through everyday. Christen knew what would be expected of it in the future. Especially in three years. Christen knew that Kelley was going to need surgery.  

The assignment of crutches were taxing on Kelley’s pride and ego, so she didn’t want to think about the mental turmoil Kelley was going to go through in the rehabilitation of an ankle that was going to be reconstructed. She didn’t want to think about the mental turmoil it was going to inflict on their friendship. Because with Kelley O’hara and injuries, it almost always ruined one relationship in the injured woman’s life.  

When they arrived back at the O’Hara residence, she didn’t even address the fact that Kelley was walking towards the front door without her crutches. Christen figured that she would let her best friend have this, that she would pick and choose her battles. Because with Kelley, there would always be a lot more battles to wage through. And she was happy to see Kelley just plop down on the couch and raise and lift her right leg onto the ottoman, before she silently sulked while the TV played. Christen went to go fill in the rest of Kelley’s family. 

“Geeeez. Maybe I shouldn’t have come back from my vacation…” Erin grimaced at the realization that she was going to have to babysit the mental six year old her little sister was probably going to transform into within the next couple of weeks. 

“She’ll be fine. She’s tough.” Dan said, like it was the end of the conversation and there were no other things to discuss.  

“Are you going to take care of her?” Karen asked, her eyebrows raised.  

“No. She’ll take care of herself. She’s a grown woman.” He responded.  

The three woman in the kitchen laughed. All three of them knew what it was like firsthand to take care of a very bruised Kelley.  

Dan had no idea what he was talking about.  

Christen cleaned up the guest room that her and her best friend had been sleeping in so that the floor was clear of anything Kelley could trip on. She put all of Kelley’s bags and luggages by the bed so that Kelley wouldn’t have to venture far and hobble to get things. She threw the both of their laundry items into the washer and changed the sheets of the bed, and tidied up the bathroom and put the lid on Kelley’s toothpaste so that all of their chores for the week were done.  

She felt like for now, it was all she could do to make things easy for her best friend. Christen couldn’t un-sprain Kelley’s ankle, she couldn’t take out the Courage forward that she had collided with, she couldn’t absolve all the pain that her best friend was going to feel in the past, the present, or the future.  

When she went back downstairs to check in on her, Christen walked back up when she saw Kelley crying heavily into her older sister’s arms as they both sat on the couch. She figured that for now, she could also give Kelley the space she deserved.  

 

  * •



 

“Christen.” 

She didn’t come downstairs until she heard Kelley call for her softly. When she did, her best friend didn’t say anything, just sat there and hoped that she would understand that she was just requesting her presence. Christen could see from Kelley’s red eyes that it was a request that she would fill if it could absorb all of the sorrow that Kelley would ever experience.  

It was late in the afternoon when she found herself sitting on the couch with Kelley’s head in her lap, her best friend ‘s hands holding on tight to her knees. She could imagine that Kelley was trying to get a tight grip on things so that she wouldn’t fall apart. Surgery was another level of rehabilitation that no athlete of Kelley’s caliber and ego would be prepared for. Christen would known  

Christen’s own hands were soothingly running through her best friend’s unbrushed hair.   

“Can I take you out to dinner tonight?” Kelley quietly asked. Again, Christen could see her red eyes, but now they were filled with apprehension as they stayed aimed at Christen’s knees, waiting for her best friend’s response.  

“I can pick us up food, no problem Kell.” Christen said as she pushed the hair out of her best friend’s face.  

“No. Can I take you out to dinner tonight?” Kelley asked again, even quieter than the first time. There seemed to be another question that she was really asking, but Christen didn’t know what it was.  

“Are you sure you want to-“ 

 _Are you sure you want to walk on your ankle right now?_  

That would have been the stupidest thing to ask Kelley O’Hara right about now. 

“Where do you want to go?” She asked instead. She knew it was the right response because Kelley hopped up with a big smile on her face and sat herself right next to Christen, her big ankle boot knocking the side of Christen’s leg when she bounced up and down with excitement.  

“There’s this fancy-schmancy place that will kick me out for wearing my jeans that Erin said was pretty good. Opened up a couple of years ago.” Kelley suggested.  

“Would you…wanna dress up for me?” Kelley asked timidly.  

“Don’t I always?” Christen responded.  

 

  * •



 

 _It was really nice to slip into something that was a step above a t-shirt and shorts. When she looked down at the lower part of her thigh that was exposed from beneath the dress, she could see the extreme tan line that had developed from the many afternoon she had spent out on Maloney field, baking under the sun._  

 _She appreciated the break from the casual clothes and the date that let her dress up in this piece that she had been really wanting to show off. Kelley had been in a really pissy mood lately, and Christen noticed that it was starting to affect her own. Usually a night out and a short dress of Christen’s was a cure for her crabbiness. So she finished up her makeup and with her heels in her hand, she made the walk to Kelley’s dorm._  

 _“I thought you said eight.” Christen said when she looked up and down at the t-shirt that she was pretty sure Kelley had been wearing last night. She could tell because it had a line of orange Cheeto dust smeared across the left bottom hem._  

 _“Eight for what?” Kelley asked when she looked on with an expression that was bored, but Christen knew enough to see the panic etched in the corner of her eyes._  

 _“You said we were going out.” Christen said quietly. She looked past the figure of her girlfriend into her dorm room to see that she was living in college student squalor._  

 _“I forgot._ _”_  

 _What was irritating about Kelley’s response was not that it was_ _the_ _third time in two weeks_ _that Kelley had forgotten that they had plan_ _ned to do something, it was that Kelley was trying to act like she didn’t care. She was trying to act like it was no big deal that if Christen had opted to just meet Kelley at the restaurant like they had originally planned since practice was going to be running late, that she would have essentially just stood her girlfriend up._ _She was trying to act like she didn’t know the impact it was going to have on Christen’s mood._  

 _But_ _Kelley wasn’t stupid. And neither was Christen._  

 _And they both knew that this was Kelley’s fucked up way of pushing people away to find out which ones thought that Kelley was worth staying for._  

 _The way she said ‘I forgot’ may have sounded like a casual ‘oops well it’s not a big deal’ to anyone else, but they both knew that it wasn’t fooling Christen._ _And Kelley was doing a horrible job at convincing Christen that she didn’t care about her._  

 _And it was in th_ _at moment, one in which she felt stupid for putting on really pretty makeup for a girl that used to make her feel really pretty, that was actively trying to act like Christen didn’t matter to her, that Christen decided_ _she couldn’t do this much longer._  

 _Right now, the visual representation of the outfits they both had on as they stood outside Kelley’s door was telling of the amount of effort each of them was putting into_ _making their counterpart happy in_ _the relationship. And Christen just_ _didn’t want to play this game with Kelley anymore._  

 _“Quit doing this.” Christen said with an eye roll._  

 _“I’d rather not have to get all dressed up for disappointment.” She said, holding Kelley’_ _s stare._  

 _There was another flash of panic. One that disappeared quickly and was replaced with the exasperation that had found home on Kelley’s face ever since her injury a month ago._  

 _“Then why are you with me?” Kelley asked with a sneer, the malice in it was trying to mask the hurt from Christen’s words. She knew that Kelley always viewed herself as a walking eventual disappointment so she just brushed off her response._  

 _“If you don’t want to go out to eat then we don’t have to.” Christen pushed. She dropped her heels onto the tile of the dorm building so that she could step into her shoes. “This was your idea.”_  

 _“Well then don’t listen to any of my ideas anymore.” Kelley looked like she was close to tears. But nowadays she was always close to tears._  

 _“I’m not doing this with you today.” Christen said with a shake to her head. She walked away to let the sound of her heels clicking on the ground to echo in Kelley’s mind._  

 _“Then don’t do it with me. Ever.”_  

 _She turned around at the sound of those words.Christen could see the sorrow in Kelley’s face, just challenging Christen to prove to that broken down girl that she was worth nothing to anyone._  

 _“You know, you’re right, Kell.” Christen said fiercely. “This person that you want me to believe you are is a piece of shit. And I don’t want to do this with her. Ever.”_  

 _In the last seven months that Christen had spent in Kelley’s dorm room bed at night, she uncovered the dark corners of her girlfriend’s mind. It was when Kelley would look into her eyes, or when she would hold onto her extra tight when she was sad, or when Kelley would talk about this Unnamed girl that broke her heart that Christen_ _learned of_ _all the insecurities and dark thoughts Kelley harbored._  

 _And this idea that she was never going to be good enough FOR ANYONE, well that was a prevalent dark thought of Kelley’s. And it was manifesting in Kelley’s behavior_ _to become an asshole that really truly deserved no one._  

 _“I told you I was never going to be good enough. I told you that in the beginning.” Kelley said sadly._  

 _“YOU ARE good enough! This isn’t you! This isn’t-You can be the sweetest person I know when you’re not acting like a dumbass. That’s who you are!_ _You’re sweet and you’re-_ _”_  

 _“No I’m no_ _t!” Kelley pushed back._  

 _“I can see it on your face how disappointed you are. Just fucking find someone else to dress up for it you don’t want disappointment.”_ _She sneered._  

 _Christen just stood there letting Kelley’s words hit her like a brick._ _This was the first time that Kelley had ever suggested dressing up for someone else._  

 _“I don’t want this version of you!” Christen yelled when Kelley turned to walk back into her dorm_ _and away from this conversation. It was a plea. For Kelley to stop putting the both of them through this._  

 _“THIS IS ME!” Kelley roared._  

 _“I’ve been telling you from the beginning, but you just don’_ _t FUCKING_ _listen! This is me!”_ _Her face was red when she stormed back out of her room_ _to reiterate her worthlessness._  

 _“Then I don’t want you.” Christen said with ultimate finality._  

 

  * _•_



 

“I don’t have to tell you that you’re gorgeous, right? You already know that…right?” 

“Sure Kell.” Christen smirked.  

“You look…cute…with those crutches.” Christen said with a chuckle as she rolled her window down in confusion to talk to the guy who was looking to come into her vehicle because apparently this place only had valet parking.  

“Aw.”  

Christen turned to see her best friend looking at her with a pout when they were walking to the entrance of the restaurant that they couldn’t pronounce the name of.  

“I wanted to open the door for you, but he did it for me.” Kelley pouted.  

It was a staple all throughout their friendship, a running inside joke ever since they had met each other. Christen had always held the door open for Kelley when they were a couple in college, and when they reconnected as friends afterwards, it was Kelley’s turn. And it had been ever since.  

Christen thought about commenting on Kelley’s inability to hop over to the other side of the car because of her crutches, but it was supposed to be a good night, and that reminder, no matter how innocent it would have been, would have ruined the night.  

“Can you open the door to the restaurant for me?” Christen smirked when she nodded at the door that was five feet away from her.  

Kelley leaned off of her crutches to take advantage of the opportunity that she had left, but the hostess beat her to it when she smiled and ushered them in. Christen tried not to listen to the under breath grumbles of Kelley about everyone else doing her job.  

“No we’ll take the booth over there.” Kelley had insisted. She was pointing with her aluminum extensions to the booth in the corner that was coated in even more darkness than the rest of the tables in his restaurant. 

 To Christen, it was clear that this was a more upscale restaurant by the dress of the people already here, but also because of the small plates and their small portions. Also, there were no prices on the menu. On which, Kelley knew nothing to pronounce. 

Christen ended up ordering for the both of them.  

It was a little funny to see Kelley struggle to fake how excited she was by the plate of food that looked like it was put out for the birds. It looked like it was two bites worth of food.. Her best friend had insisted on paying for the bill since it was her treat, but Christen couldn’t help but chuckle at how much Kelley was struggling to pretend to be satisfied with this fine dining experience that Erin had told her to go on. Kelley was not a fine dining kind of girl. She was a hot dog, burger kind of girl (when she was allowed). Christen could hear Kelley’s stomach growl from the lack of filling food.  

“Did you like the food?” Kelley asked when they were two glasses of wine in to get in some kind of calories.  

“Of course I did. It’s food. Did you?”  

“Uh…yeah.” Kelley said with a hesitant smile. It was that goofy, charming, I hope I don’t look like an idiot smile. The – I hope you find my fuckups charming- smile.  

“So What’s Alex up to tonight?” Christen asked when the waiter had come by to pour the rest of the bottle of wine into Kelley’s glass.  

“She’s got parent-teacher conferences. Said she’d be busy fighting with one of the kids parents the whole night probably.” Kelley smirked.  

“I like her by the way. Didn’t know she would be so hot.” Christen said thoughtfully. 

“Don’t act surprised that I can pull a ten.” Kelley said with playful indignation. 

“I’m not, I’m not.” Christen waved. “I’m just surprised she’s still single, I guess.” 

Kelley shrugged.  

“I haven’t pushed her much about her current situation.”  

Christen furrowed her brow. “Uh…why not? Aren’t you guys like  _talking?_ How are you supposed to talk to her if you don’t even know if she’s single??” 

Again Kelley shrugged. She avoided Christen’s stare as she gulped down the rest of her glass.  

“I don’t want to ruin things. Just…let them flow at the pace they’re meant to flow.”  

“Uh-huh.” 

Christen knew to just drop it. There were things about this certain topic that Kelley hadn’t worked out in her head just yet.  

“Well…I’m here if you want to talk. I don’t know, if you want to talk about Alex or anything else..” 

 _If you want to talk about your surgery…_  

“Well I want to talk about you.” Kelley said when she put her glass back down on the table.   

 _“_ What about me?” Christen asked, her head tilted to the side because she was really curious now.  

"Well I just...I don't know..." Kelley thought for it for a second before she got up from her seat and then sat in the fancy leather booth that Christen was sitting in. 

"I just wanted to know if...are you being treated...okay...here?" Kelley asked. 

She explained that it had been two weeks since Kelley's first day of arrival into her hometown and she realized that she hadn't really spent time to check in with her best friend. 

"I forget that it's not your childhood home, so I forget to just see how you are? I guess I just-I want you to know that if there's anything you needed-or if you wanted me to do something-I –I'm getting Erin to clear out the rest of her and mom's shit from my old room so-" 

"Kell, you don't have to-" 

"I don't want you to feel like I'm taking advantage of you." Kelley said softly. She grabbed Christen's hand. 

"I...I know..." Kelley shook her head. "I really do  _know_ how much you're doing for me. It's-It's not going over my head, Chris. I don't think I've ever had someone sacrifice for me like you do....like you did." 

Christen gulped down the impact of what Kelley was referencing.  

"I love you. And I know how I can be when I'm like this.." Kelley pointed down at her ankle that was beneath the table. "And you heard the doc....surgery. So I know how I can get..." 

Christen looked down at their hands that were intertwined.   

"What I'm trying to say...I mean I don't think I'm saying shit very well, but what I'm trying to say is that if you didn't think that it would be good for you or whatever to be here when I'm going through the rehab, I know it wouldn't mean that you don't love me. You were here for me. Now and back then. So...you've got a lot of shit going on, and I know that you have your own life so-" 

"Are you asking me if I'm going to stick around for you post-surgery?" Christen interrupted. Kelley didn't usually ramble, so she wanted to get right to the point of it all. 

"I can handle it this time." Kelley pushed. 

"And I'm grown up enough to know that if you wanted to leave before my rehab for the sake of our friendship th-that it wouldn't be a bad thing. I know that you care about me." She said earnestly. 

Christen didn't say anything. She just nodded. She didn't respond to Kelley's words in the restaurant, nor when they were waiting for the car. She was lost in thought and contemplation of her best friend's words. 

The two of them had been through A LOT together. The decade that they’ve had each other in their lives has taught them a lot about the people they were, with and without each other. Through the good times and the bad. Through the many girlfriends, the breakups, the callups, the wins, and the losses. Christen knew what Kelley was trying to say. She was trying to tell Christen that if she wanted to dip out in order to not kill Kelley, that it would be okay.  

She appreciated the words and the emergency exit. 

When they were almost close to Kelley's house, she finally acknowledged the subject. 

"I have my own shit going on." She said as turned onto another street. She saw Kelley nod her head. 

"You have to know that I can't drop my life completely. Especially through this bullshit impasse with Houston." She pushed. 

Again, Kelley nodded her head. She looked like she understood. 

"But I meant it when I said that I'm here for you." Christen slowed down to a halt. 

"I mean it when I said that I would help you as much as I can. I'm not a disappointment. And also because...what are best friends for?" 

It put a small on her best friend's face, the kind that couldn't be hidden no matter how much Kelley tried. 

"Also, don't lie to me. Are you still hungry?" 

Kelley nodded furiously. 

"So am I." Christen said before she turned the car around to drive them to the nearest burger joint. 

 

  * _•_



 

It was when Christen was on the couch, rubbing her belly that was full of junk food that Dawn was too far away to chastise her on, when she looked up from the screen to see Erin walk out from the kitchen, give her a quick glance before she walked back upstairs to her old bedroom, the one she would be staying in while she too stayed here for a little bit to help Kelley with her injury. 

 _She's never going to like you._  

"Hey." 

Christen looked back up again to see Kelley hobbling over to her. Her best friend plopped down right next to her. 

"Hey. Is Erin ever going to like me?" Christen whispered. 

"She likes you." Kelley waved Christen off. "It's all in your head." 

That was Kelley's answer all the time. That was KElley's answer for ten years. IT had never changed. Nothing ever bad happened between the eldest o'Hara and Christen, at least that she could recall, so she knew that she was at fault, but Erin's indifference to her always made her want to scratch her head. 

"Who would hate you?" Kelley asked with a grin that Christen could see from the lights of the TV screen, was wide and goofy. She felt her best friend wrap her arm around her before she settled in to watch whatever show Christen was zoning out to. 

 _You've hated me before._  

But Christen didn't say that out loud. 

Eventually the exhaustion settled in and it was time to head to bed.  

“When my rooms clear, there will be a bigger bed. I promise.” Kelley whispered into the back of her head after the lights had been turned off and Kelley’s ankle had been wrapped.  

Christen nodded.  

“Is this okay? I never asked.” Kelley questioned.  

Christen didn’t need clarification on Kelley’s inquiry. 

“I know you don’t have cooties, Kell. It’s okay.” She said softly. She could feel her best friend’s face grin from the movement of her smile felt on her head.  

“Are you really gonna stay?”  

The vulnerability in Kelley’s voice was rare. It was not usually on display for anyone, and Christen knew that for someone like Kelley, this question was a real gamble. She didn’t open herself up wide to be rejected very often. Maybe only a handful of times in her life.  

 _Are you really gonna stay after_ _what we’ve been through_ _?_  

 _“_ Im going to stay.” 

 _If you don’t hurt me this time._  

 _“_ Good.” Kelley said before she kissed Christen on the back of her head.  

 _I want to keep you here this time._  

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lots of build up and separate pieces that might usually glue together in long updates that I just can't make right now...oh well


	4. They Lived in the Silence

IuOld habits die hard.  

Christen didn’t know why she spent the last ten minutes rolling up and reorganizing the random rolls of wrap that Kelley had gone through. But being surrounded by Kelley and her family made her feel nostalgic. It made her feel young again.  

The sticky tape, the one that was not reusable, had already accumulated into a huge trash bag since Kelley was a prima-donna when it came to the way  

Christen knew it was a smart investment she made a long time ago when she spent weeks teaching Kelley how to do it on her own ankle. 

Every now and then she’d step in and do it for Kelley, and every time she did, it felt like she was a freshman all over again.  

Kelley’s second minor ankle sprain after they first met, was probably when Christen probably fell in love with her when they were younger. It had been a month since Kelley had stopped coming by after Christen rejected her date, when she saw her again. 

 Christen had found it easier to rehab and train separate from the team because it would have been too hard to sit on the sideline. She was privileged to have the choice, but everyone believed that Christen was avoiding Kelley. But for Christen, it was deeper than that. It was for her mental health that she needed to stay away from her new team.  

So when the team was practicing and Christen had elected to continue training, she walked into the training room one day during the beginning of the season to find Kelley sitting on the counter, waiting for her.  

That’s when she fell for her. And that’s when she knew she was screwed.  

With the second sprain, it was OBVIOUS to everyone that Kelley kept coming back to ask the trainer that had rejected her date offer, to fix the way her ankle was wrapped because she really just wanted to see Christen. There were some practice days that Kelley came back four times all throughout her stationary bike workout just to ask Christen to fix it.  The girls that Christen worked with, all started to notice.  

Even if another one of the trainers was already there, Kelley waited patiently on the counter for Christen’s arrival, every time. She made an excuse to see her, every day.  

And Christen just let Kelley do it. For awhile Kelley kept swearing that the tape had gotten loose, or it just wasn’t put on right, but by the second week, Christen just softly smiled when she would see Kelley sneaking back in to spend more time with her.  

 It was…charming. 

This activity between them was one of the rare moments in Kelley O’Hara’s life that she sat still and just let someone help her. And Christen was screwed because it was this vulnerability that she never really got From Kelley again, that she fell for. 

So when she would do it every once in awhile for grown Kelley, the muscle memory and the old feeling of privilege didn’t make the butterflies in her stomach flutter like they used to, but it still felt special.  

When Kelley used to sit up on the counter so excitedly, Christen got used to believing that this was Kelley admitting that she needed help and that there was no one else that could fix her. And these moments, they had only belonged to Christen. It just ended up that way. All throughout college, even when Christen had stopped the training rotation, it was only Christen that Kelley trusted. Christen was the only one that she allowed herself to be vulnerable with.  

She learned that during her junior year when Christen had quit soccer for that year, that Kelley just wrapped her own ankles.  

 “I’m such a picky patient because of you.” Kelley said when she had crutched her way back into the room. She brought Christen out of her thoughts.  

“What did I do?” Christen chuckled.  

“Took better care of me than anyone else.” 

The seriousness and truth of that loaded statement went unaddressed.  

“You just picked me because you had the hots for me.” She said as she picked up the clothes that were discarded onto the floor and she playfully rolled her eyes.  

“See. All your fault.” Kelley said with a smirk back.  

Christen chuckled when she continued to clear up the rest of the messy room that was on brand for Kelley. She noticed her best friend was still standing in the doorway, fidgeting with her plastic brace.  

Two minutes of the cleaning and the fidgeting, Kelley looked up like she was ready to talk.  

“Are you nervous?” Christen asked. It looked like her best friend needed help in starting the conversation. 

Kelley just nodded. She look grateful that someone knew what she needed.   

“Don’t be.” She said softly. “You’re sweet.” Christen said with a nod.  

“But what if I mess it up again?” Kelley asked like an eight year old. She hobbled over to sit next to Christen on the bed.  

“Then you fix it.” Christen said simply.  

“But-“ 

“You haven’t even said your first ‘Hey’ to her yet. You haven’t even opened the door for her yet. If you mess it up, you will fix it.” She said knowingly.  

“Alex seems like a really good one. And shit she already knows what you’re like when you’re being an ass, so…open the door for her. Kiss her tonight. And turn around.” 

The instructions were familiar. It was the statement they gave each other when they went on dates.  

Christen could tell that this time, this date was something different. This was Alex Morgan. This was the girl that started it all. And Kelley had to go back to the basics.  

“You can pull a ten. You have the confidence.” Christen nudged her.  

“It’s all a façade.” Kelley said with guilty grin.  

“Only with some girls. But this one isn’t one of those girls. You can’t fake it with this one. So don’t try to.” Christen warned.   

Kelley nodded. She agreed.  

“So what are you and Nikki going to see tonight?” Kelley shifted the topic. The two women were both settling in the calm of the house before they were to go out and enjoy the night in their separate ways.  

“Oh her and Sam bailed. It’s just going to be Tobin and I.” Christen replied with a wave to her hand.  

“That’s such a weird name, dude.” Christen looked up to see Kelley looking at her with raised eyebrows.  

“That name still sounds so weird after hearing it 50 times.” 

“Yeah I’ve never heard that name. Sounds unique.” Christen said with a smile. 

“Why are you hanging out with her?” Kelley asked so bluntly when she leaned on her elbow onto the bed. 

“Why are you asking me that?” Christen responded. She tucked the hairs behind her ear in order to delay looking at her best friend.  

“Just wondering.” Kelley said when she gently tapped her on her back to get her to look at her. “Just wanted to know if she’s a good person to you.” 

“I’ve hung out with her once.” Christen said.  

“I know I know.” Kelley said with a nod that was supposed to seem casual.  “But I mean you like her, right?” 

“Yeah-“ 

“So I just wanted to know if she’s treating you right.” Kelley said with a shrug.  

“She is.” Christen said with an irritated sigh. This conversation was already getting old for her.  

“Okay. I’m just asking a question.” 

“Okay.” 

“Why are you getting mad?” Kelley asked.  

“I’m not.”  

The bed groaned and shifted under the absence of Christen’s weight when she got up to move and do something else other than let Kelley exhibit some old residual feelings of possession over her. This happened every once in awhile. In Christen’s mind it was mostly tied to Kelley’s ego more than anything else when she felt that her and Christen’s friendship was threatened by an outsider. It happened with some girlfriends of Christen’s past.  

So it was nothing of substance. It was just annoying in Christen’s opinion  

“Hey come back.”  

Christen felt her hand being tugged back with a force enough to get her to sit back down.  She didn’t turn to face Kelley because they’ve been through this before. They’ve addressed what exactly it is that’s going on right now.  

“It was an innocent question.” Kelley pushed.  

The silence. Christen knew that it would suffice as a response. The silence was filled with all of the feelings and frustrations in the accumulated seconds of Christen and Kelley’s turmoil, platonic or romantic.  

 _You know it’s not an innocent question._  

“Don’t.” Christen warned. It was a plea, a soft one, a gentle one that was warning her best friend to not continue this conversation. Kelley was on the brink of ruining something that they worked so hard to have.  

Christen still hadn’t turned to face her, but she felt the bed shift when Kelley wordlessly grabbed her crutches and hobbled out of her room.  

 

  * •



 

“Are you two fighting again?” Karen asked with two raised eyebrows that blew a blunt force to Christen when she looked up from her concentrated stare on the TV.  

“Umm…” 

“Because you two haven’t spent time in the same room like…all day.” Karen asked when she sat herself down on the couch next to Christen.  

“And I know that my daughter is a handful so…” 

Christen turned back to the TV. Even though she agreed to be Kelley’s fake girlfriend, it didn’t mean that she found it easy to lie to Karen. Christen remembered when the woman had bought her a ticket to Georgia when her and Kelley had only been together for two months, and just smiled and said it was because she was special. She remembered when Karen came to her graduation and gave Christen a present that Kelley was secretly going to give her, but decided not to because Kelley was never good at pulling the trigger.  

Karen said that Christen deserved to know who Kelley really was, even if her daughter was scared to show it. And she also remembered when Kelley had came to her dorm room on one of the nights that Kelley usually came over to beg for forgiveness their sophomore year and revealed to her that Karen had chewed Kelley out so bad for doing what she did to Christen. Karen and Kelley didn’t speak for months after that.  

“We’re fighting again.” Christen surrendered. She wanted to give some truths.  

“Can you two stop?” Karen asked with a shrug.  

Christen chuckled. She wished.  

“Does this have to do with Alex?” Karen asked.  

Christen put the remote in her hand down on the couch and shifted her body so that she could face the woman.  

“This has nothing to do with Kelley’s ex…best friend, or whatever.” She reassured.  

“Are you sure? Because my daughter has never. EVER. Been so willing to take out the trash every night when Ms. Morgan gets home from work.” Karen pushed.  

“I’m sure.” 

“Are you two still together?”  

“Yes.” Christen chuckled at Mrs. O’Hara’s persistent, good natured nosiness when it came to their relationship. It had good intentions. But, this woman’s intrusiveness and entitlement to Christen’s state of mind was tantamount to her daughter’s.  

“Okay.” The woman said with a nod. The answer seemed good enough. 

“You’re good for my daughter. You’re good  _to_ her. I just want to make sure she’s good to you.” 

Mrs. O’Hara’s reasons were always clear. It was always genuine. Christen  sometime wished that her and Kelley could have as simple of a relationship as the one she had with her mom   

They sat in comfortable silence as the show played on the TV and they could hear the ceiling creak as Kelley moved about in her bedroom in the floor above them.  

“Where are you sneaking off to?” Karen asked when they heard Kelley crutch down the stairs.  

Christen heard a sigh from behind her head.  

“I’m not 15 mother, I’m not sneaking out.” She heard Kelley say with a groan.  

“Fine. Where are you going that you’re dressing somewhat decent without your girlfriend?” Karen asked.  

Christen didn’t want to laugh at the woman’s words so she just contained it to a smile while she kept her eyes on the TV.  

“Mom. None of your business.” Kelley frustratingly huffed.  

“But it’s Christen’s business.” 

“Well Christen knows where I’m going.” Kelley retorted.  

“Where is she going Christen?” Karen asked when she turned to her.  

“Uhh…” 

“See. She doesn’t know where you’re going.” Karen said with a wave to her hand.  

“I’m done with this conversation.” Kelley said with some finality to her tone.  

Christen could hear Kelley clank across the floor before she felt the ticklish sensation of hairs that weren’t hers brushing her face before she felt Kelley’s lips on her cheek and heard a quiet “I’ll be back” whispered into her ear when Kelley leaned down from behind to display some affection. 

They had to sell it at some point. All they’ve done is bicker today, according to Karen..  

“Bye mom.” Christen could just imagine the eye roll Kelley just gave her mom.  

“Be safe. Wear protection.” Karen called out.  

Christen turned her head to the left to see Kelley’s reaction to her moms humor, but she just saw Kelley turn around to mouth to her again, “I’ll be back.” 

 

  * •



 

“You know, my parents aren’t here anymore. You can knock on the front door.” Alex said with a smirk when she peaked her head out of her old bedroom window that Kelley had knocked on out of habit. 

Kelley didn’t know if Alex was saying that jokingly when she mentioned her parents but she took it in stride.  

“Is this still your bedroom? Or did you take over the master?” Kelley asked when she leaned in to take a look around. She took Alex’s hands when she offered to help her inside. Back in the day Kelley was young and capable enough to do this simple task herself, but she was kind of glad that she was handicapped if it meant physical contact with Alex.  

“Guest room now. Where I usually kick em to once the nights over.” Alex said with a devilish grin.  

“Ah.” Kelley said when she found her balance again on her crutches.  

“Kind of sad to think that you don’t sleep in this room anymore. This is where we hung out all the time.” Kelley said with the sweet remembrance of innocence. She sat down on the bed. 

“Well we can still sleep here if that’s what you want.” 

Alex’s statement was nowhere near being innocent. Kelley just smiled because she didn’t quite know how or what she was supposed to do with all of this. The silence settled in for a few seconds when Alex moved around the room, mindlessly picking up and putting down the stuff on her desk while they both tried to figure out what this was.  

“Can you come sit next to me?” Kelley finally asked. She never had to ask when they were young. But this felt different. There was something charged in the air.  

Alex obliged. 

“This feels like high school.” Alex said fondly when her eyes trailed up from Kelley’s feet to her eyes.  

“This feels nothing like high school.” Kelley said, her heart beating quickly.  

She inched her head a little closer to Alex. Just like she did when she was a kid. She was no one and she knew nothing when she did this the first time.  

But right now, she was more nervous than the first time.  

“Wait. I-“ 

She stopped. Alex gave her a cautious stare, like she didn’t know what she just did by putting a halt to this. Her eyes met Kelley’s.  

She seemed to want to say something.  

Kelley waited. And every second felt like maybe this was the wrong moment to try to kiss Alex Morgan again.  

“Fuck it.” Alex said. 

She was the one to kiss Kelley first this time.  

 

  * •



 

“Yo yo yo.” Christen was a little confused to see Sam pop out of Tobins back seat, but she kept her emotions in check. She hoped.  

“Don’t be so sad to see me. You can still make it to third base tonight.” Sam shouted out. Nikki hit her in the chest to cut her crap.  

Christen chuckled when she saw Tobin roll her eyes.  

“We’ve already hit a home run.” Tobin said when she casually threw her arm around Christen to lead her and the other couple to one of the Kioskthat was going to spit out their tickets.  

Christen gave Sam a smirk.  

“No way…” Sam said with her mouth open in awe.  

“Yessir, Kerr.” Christen said with wink. She let Tobin plant a kiss on her lips as the walked to the front doors.  

“You guys have hung out like once…” Sam said.  

“Only takes one time to close the deal.” Tobin said with a smirk. Christen playfully shoved her away.  

“Wait….when did this happen?” Nikki asked, a big smile on her face when Tobin was tapping away on the kiosk.  

“When did this happen?” Christen turned to Tobin to gather her input.  

“30 hours ago?” Tobin asked before she gave Christen another kiss.  

“But you two- I mean- this just-“ Sam looked so in awe and surprised when they were in line to get popcorn.  

“It’s called chemistry, Kerr.” Christen said with a bemused grin. She was holding onto the hand connected to the arm of Tobin’s that was wrapped around her when the other couple were waiting for their bucket of popcorn.  

“But… so…this is a thing?” Nikki inquired.  

Christen looked at Tobin.  

“It’s something. Right?” Again, she looked at her date.  

“It’s something.” Tobin said softly.  

“So you just get right to business huh, Press? I like it.” Sam said with approval.  

“Kelley told me that you guys-“ 

“What did Kelley tell you?” Christen asked, not amused one bit that Kelley was talking about her.  

“Oh. Just that you two went and got yogurt the other day. Tobs you said that it was the first time you guys hung out.” Nikki offered when they walked to the theater.  

“Yogurt’s code for sex.” Christen explained before she stuffed a big handful of popcorn into her mouth. Everyone seemed impressed by the amount she devoured.  

“I like how you eat.” Tobin said appreciatively.  

“Yeah you do.” Christen said with a smirk. That response for her another kiss.  

“So this …” Sam pointed at the both of them as they found their seats, “this is after one date?” 

“Yep.” Christen and Tobin said at the same time.  

 

  * •



 

Kelley dipped her head back in to get the crutches that she had abandoned the instant that she sat down on the passenger seat of her own car when Alex decided that she would be the pilot. Kelley’s was getting even better at balancing on her right foot, she noticed when she had to reach far into the back to retrieve them.  

She didn’t want to be scolded for not having them by anyone in her house anymore. Kelley could just imagine Christen’s face.  

“You know, that looked like a date.”  

Kelley looked up to see her mom leaning on the column by the front door, having a softer-than-normal look on her face as she observed her daughter.  

Kelley looked down at the grip handles of her crutches for awhile as she clenched her jaw.  

“What makes you say that, mom?” She inquired without moving from her spot.  

“I don’t know.” Karen shrugged.  

“But I’ve witnessed 14 years of you coming back home from a day with Alex and… you’ve never looked the way you look now.” 

Kelley sighed as she crutched backwards so that she could shut her car door. She closed the distance between her and her mom.  

“What does that mean?” She asked. Kelley didn’t really know what her mom was trying to tell her. She wasn’t used to her mom looking at her in this way. It seemed as if Karen was actually being cautious with her words.  

“It means that I don’t like what you’re doing.” Karen said thoughtfully.  

“I don’t know what it is, but I don’t think it’s going to end well for you.”  

The fight, the warrior in Kelley, the child in her, didn’t like that.  

“Mom.” Kelley sighed. She flared her nose. 

“STOP.” She commanded.  

“How can you do that when Christen is stay-“ 

“MOM.”  

“Literally. NONE of this is your business.” She growled.  

“So it was a date.”  

Instead of answering, instead of talking to her mom, instead of saying what it is that she’s wanting to say when she should, Kelley hobbled her way past her mom and walked into the house.  

It was another important conversation she chose not to have.  

 

  * •



 

“Um. Hey Erin.” 

Christen’s hand stopped mid-way in her little wave when she noticed the furrowed and curious brow of Kelley’s older sister.  

“Who dat?” Erin asked once she had put down the heavy box she was carrying into the garage. Her eyes were fixed on this brown haired girl who’s car was parked right behind Christen’s.  

“This is Tobin.” Christen said, giving her date a a look of warning to be good. Erin wasn’t someone Christen wanted to mess things up with.  

She watched as Tobin actually complied and gave Erin a charming smile and a handshake.  

“Well what are you kids up to?” Erin asked curiously.  

“Just here to drop off Chris’ car. Gonna take her back to my place to-“ 

“She’s just- we’re just gonna hang.” Christen interjected. She flashed Tobin a disingenuous bright smile before she turned back to Erin.  

“Uh huh.” Erin said slowly. She nodded her head like she was trying to convince herself of something.  

“You know where Kell is at?” Erin asked when she turned her attention back to the box that she had put down.  

Christen sighed briefly so that only the sigh could be heard by herself. Erin seemed perturbed. Truthfully, Erin always seemed to be around Christen.  

Christen hadn’t informed Tobin yet of her fake relationship with Kelley, and now both of the women in this garage other than herself were confused by this encounter. Because she was sure that Erin had picked up on the naturally affectionate way Tobin was looking at her.  

“Kelley’s  hanging with Alex, I think.” Christen responded.  

“Neighbor Alex?” Erin asked with a raised eyebrow.  

“That would be the one.” Christen said.  

“And…” Erin shook her head of thoughts as she crouched over and opened the cardboard in order to go through the box contents. “Who are you again, Tobin?” 

“Oh.” Tobin looked like she didn’t know what the right answer to that question was.  

“I used to go to school with Kelley.” She resorted to saying.  

“So you know my sister?” Erin clarified. 

Christen started to shift uncomfortably. She could feel that this was becoming an interrogation. 

“I mean-yeah I know of her.” Tobin nodded.  

“Did you know that Christen is her girlfriend?” 

Christen said slowly, “of course she knows that, Erin.” She didn’t even look at her date.  

“Are you sure?” The older woman asked with squinted eyes aimed at this stranger in her mom’s garage.  

“Totally.” Tobin said with ease.  

“Cool.” Erin said before she turned her attention back to the contents of the box.  

“Have fun guys.” 

 

  * •



 

“Isn’t that just like a tiny bit absurd?” Tobin said with laughter coming through every syllable.  

“Yes.” Christen said with a nod as she laid her head back down on Tobin’s chest.  

“Then why go through with it?” She chuckled again.  

Christen sighed.  

“Kelley and Karen have a complicated relationship. And Karen likes me…and Kelley tends to lose her mind when she’s with her mom and when she’s injured…” 

“So what are you supposed to do?” Tobin inquired.  

Christen’s mouth opened, but no words came out.  

“Are you supposed to convinced her mom and sister that you’re in love with Kelley?”  

Truthfully, Christen didn’t know what she was supposed to do.  

“Or are you supposed to save Kelley?” 

She didn’t know. When it came to Kelley, did she really ever know what she was supposed to do? 

“Anyways…I’m sorry about Erin. I didn’t know that we were gonna run into her and be subjected to an interrogation. I kinda… I forgot to let you in on that stuff.” 

Tobin shrugged.  “Eh. It’s not like you owe me that right? I totally get it Chris. I’m not here to tell you what or what not to do. I just want to be next to you. Is that cool?” 

Christen's lips found there way up Tobin's neck before she gave her a smile that just came so easily when she was staring at the girl in front of her.   

“Cool.” 

 

  * •



 

Christen stopped in the hallway when she saw the strange sight. She peered into the room to see that only a few more boxes were stacked into the corner of the room, Kelley’s old childhood bedroom looking a lot bigger than she remembered.  

She had much more appreciation for the queen size bed that was stripped of any bed sheets and pushed up against the back wall.  

“Chris is that you?” she heard Kelley call from the guest room that they had been occupying. 

She was surprised to see Kelley sitting on the twin sized bed that she had been complaining about, her back against the wall, lounging. 

“Hey.” 

“You look-" 

Christen just stood in the doorway while she waited for the words that Kelley was never able to form once when they had this serious falling out.

Christen didn't know exactly what Kelley wanted to say but she figured that it should lay to rest with the rest of the things Kelley should have said. Because if she had waited, she would have lived a life of disappointments. She learned that a long time ago  

“What are you still doing up?” Christen asked when she checked the time on her phone before she found her suitcase and changed into some comfortable clothes. 

“I was waiting for you.” Kelley said as Christen felt her best friend's eyes on her back when she had thrown off the green top she had on to replace it with a t-shirt. 

“That was nice of you.” She said absentmindedly when she threw on some shorts . 

“I always wait up for you.” Kelley said with a pout. 

“Well I’m here now, Kell.” She said with a soft smile as she climbed into the bed and laid in her spot, forcing Kelley to move her legs. When her best friend swung them out of way, Christen could see that Kelley’s unwrapped, injured ankle was more swollen than it should have been. Her eyes were glued to it.  

“I didn’t use my crutches.” Kelley admitted when she had realized what her best friend was looking at.  

“Chris. I’m sorry.” She pouted, again. 

But christen didn’t say anything.  

She just wordlessly got up again to wrap and secure this ankle that was due for surgery in a few days. Kelley sat still while Christen wrapped it slowly and silently.  

“How'd your date go?” 

She looked up to see Kelley eyeing her rather cautiously as she waited for her answer.  

“Good.” 

“Did you-did she kiss you goodnight?”Kelley asked.  

Christen made sure the wrap was on securely before she looked at Kelley again.  

“She did.” 

“A-and how was it?” Kelley asked again, cautiously.  

“it was fine.” 

“do you think you're going to see her again?”  

“Yeah. I think so.” 

“I guess she must have been that charming then huh?” Kelley asked.  

This sort of felt like when Christen had gotten her first girlfriend after Kelley and her had restored their friendship way back when. Kelley was asking these presumably innocent questions that Christen could see right through. It seemed like Kelley was looking for things about these women she knew nothing about that she could use to compare herself to. Maybe to validate herself.  

She wished that her best friend would get over this initial, knee jerk reaction of hers because it fucked with the both of their heads.

“How was your date with Alex?” She responded with a question instead.  

“You don’t want to tell me?” Kelley responded.  

She could feel Kelley's puppy dog eyes following her as she returned back to her spot on the bed she usually laid in.

She just laid a relaxed stare into her best friend. The silence was where most of the second half of their relationship and feelings lived. 

It wasn’t until Kelley finally surrendered and then climbed underneath the sheets to join her. 

“Well, I had a good time with Alex.” Kelley said hoping that her best friend still wanted to at least talk to her about something else. 

“How did it go?” Christen turned to face her best friend as they laid next to each other to indicate that she would love to talk about this topic instead. 

“I think she likes me.” Kelley said with a small and sort of awed grin.  

“Well of course she does . You’re sweet.” Christen said before she placed her hand on her best friend's cheek to hold her there and not escape the genuine and affectionate words that Kelley wasn’t used to truly accepting after she traumatized her.

She saw her eyes cast down instinctively, a sign of Kelley trying to resist the love she was trying to give her best friend.  

“Look at me.” 

Kelley eventually looked back up at her   

“I wouldn’t be surprised if she loves you.” She felt Kelley’s hand reach out and lay itself on top of hers.  

“We haven't been hanging out that long.” Kelley said in a small voice.  

“You’re still the easiest person to fall for.”  

This was one of those phrases Christen said to Kelley more than few times throughout their lives with each other. She said it when they first said ‘I love you,’ she said it when they broke up for the first time (not that serious), she said it when she was annoyingly charmed by something sweet Kelley did, she said it when they broke up for the last time, and she said it one more time afterwards.  

Even though each instance meant something different each time, Kelley got the message  _every_  time.  

Until now. Maybe.  

Kelley’s face was indiscernible underneath the palm of her hand. 

“You know you can talk to me about your date if you wanted to.” Kelley said softly.  

“There’s nothing to talk about, babe.” Christen sighed. She pulled her hand away and shifted so that she wasn’t facing her best friend anymore.  

“I want to be invol-" 

“Kell. Literally zero percent of what I do with Tobin has nothing to do with you.” She felt the right to establish that between her and her best friend when it came to someone Kelley already didn’t like. 

The rustling settled for a few long seconds before Kelley spoke again, “Why don’t you let me do this?” 

Christen didn’t respond. She closed her eyes to force herself to sleep. 

She shut her eyes even more uncomfortably when Kelley called her name like she usually did when she was drunk and unaware of the status of their relationship. 

“Why are you allowed to love and take care of me, and I can’t do the same for you?” Kelley’s tone had escalated to angry.  

“Stop. I’m serious, Kell.” Christen growled.  

“So am I!” 

She could feel Kelley sit up from her position.  

“Why don’t you let me do ANYTHING when it comes to you anymore?? I’m always the first one to be said no to. Why is it always like that???” 

Christen didn’t want to engage. She never did. She couldn’t think of anything good that would result of it. 

“You think I’m such an asshole all the time because you never want to accept it when I’m trying to be helpful.” Kelley said angrily. 

“This isnt being helpful, Kell. And you KNOW that.” She decided to respond.  

“Why won’t you let me  _actually_ be sweet to you?” 

Christen knew the answer to that question. She had a suspicion that Kelley knew it, too  

She didn’t hear Kelley say anything more, but Christen heard her friend huff in anger and the sheets rustle with her movements. She felt the bed shift when Kelley had gotten off of it, and she heard her feet hop on the baseboards. Then she heard the click of her crutches as she left the room, just  like she did earlier that day. 

Christen wanted to sleep. It had been a really good night. And she didn’t want to have to deal with Kelley’s temper tantrums right now. Especially since this is a conversation that they’ve actually had (surprising) many times.  

“Ugh!” She groaned. 

She knew that Karen and Erin must have at least heard angry voices coming from the guest room.  

Honestly at this point, she didn’t want to have to face the awkwardness of three O'Hara women at odds with her in their own fashion, in the morning. 

She took her pillow with her when she made her way down the stairs to find Kelley on the couch. 

She saw under the lamplight left on, Kelley’s brown bun sticking out from underneath the blanket that was on the couch. 

“Stop being a butthead.” Christen said grumpily as she stood over her best friends’ lying figure.  

No response. 

“I’m serious. Your mom is gonna grill you if she thinks that I kicked you to the couch.” Christen said with a smirk. 

Then she heard Kelley sniffle. 

Christen’s mood instantly shifted 

“Are you crying?” 

She sat on the edge of the cushion when she put her pillow down on the ground so that she could use both hands to wrap around her best friend.  

“Why are you crying?” she asked softly through the cotton of the blanket.  

She didn’t get much because Kelley had curled even further into the blanket to hide. 

“Did something happen with Alex?” 

She could see the outline of Kelley's head shake. 

“Then what is it babe?” Christen inquired when she slowly pulled the blanket let down. 

She rubbed her friends back and she stroked her hair to soothe her. Emotions were high, but Kelley's especially. She usually got like this when she was out and injured, and questioning everything. With every injury with Kelley came a midlife crisis, and these mood swings came with them. 

Christen didn't wait for a response, so she just signaled Kelley to scoot in more so that she could lay next to her and hold her from behind. 

The crying and sniffling eventually died down. It usually did when Christen came in and without question, loved and took care of her, just like Kelley said she did.  

“After all these years, can't you just let me try to protect you in the only way I know how to?” 

Christen felt her heart ache a little at those words. They’re past had so many of them that made her heart feel this way.  

“You don’t ever trust me to do that.” Kelley said bitterly.  

“I’m sorry.” Christen whispered when she tightened her embrace.  

 _I’m sorry I can’t let you do that anymore._  

“You’re still the prettiest girl in the room. And I want to make sure that whoever you pick deserves you. And I think I’m allowed to feel that way.” 

Christen snuggled further into the back of Kelley and bit down the words she wanted to repeat. 

She didn’t repeat them. 

“Thank you for caring for me.” She said instead.  

“Let me care for you. Can you just please fucking do that? Can you  _actually_ let me do that. I try and try and try. And you always think I’m a fuckup-" 

“I don’t.”  

“You never want me-you.” It was Kelley’s turn to bite down words that she wanted to continue regurgitating.  

“I want to be here. I’m not checking out this tim-" 

“Okay.” Christen interjected quietly. She tightened her hold around her friend.  

“Then be here. Come back down from that cloud.” She said softly.  

At the sound of  _those_ words, she felt Kelley’s muscles unclench, and her body loosen under Christen’s embrace. 

 

  * •



 

“ _Kelley. I care about you!”_  

 _Christen looked down at her feet that were jogging along to keep up with her ex-girlfriend’ insanely speedy walk._ _She didn’t know what else she could say to make_ _Kelley_ _believe her._  

 _“_ _This is all in your head!”_  

 _Once she said it, she regretted it. Christen knew that pointing out the reality of Kelley's angst would do absolutely nothing. It never did when they were together, it would do anything now._  

 _“Leave me alone.” Kelley_ _sighed._  

 _“No.” Christen pushed back when she_ _finally caught up to her._  

 _“Stop acting like_ _I’m the one that broke up with you.”_  

 _“YOU DID.” Kelley spat._  

 _“No I_ _didn’t_ _! You were the one that told me go dressed up for someone else_ _,’ you were the one that told me to beat it!”_  

 _“Then why don’t you just do that?”_  

 _Christen didn’t like how visibly her shoulders dropped at Kelley's cruelty._ _No one was in the locker room, so it was just the two of them,_ _but she wanted other to witness the 180 of Kelley’s personality._  

 _“Why are you being like this to me?” Christen was so lost for words._ _She knew how to deal with Kelley's angst and her sadness, her_ _love and her neediness,_ _her_ _tendency to be overbearing yet charming. But this, she’s never dealt with before._  

 _But Kelley didn’t have an answer for her. She just kept waking away._  

 _“Can you please just_ _come back down from your_ _cloud?” christen pleaded._  

 _“I’m being serious this time when I say that I need you right now. I_ _don’t like this! I don’t want to break up with you!_ _That’s not the part that I really meant the other night!” Christen begged of her._  

 _With every step that Kelley took without looking back at her, or answering her pleas,_ _she was a little more broken._  

 _“Please,_ _Kell_ _._ _” She begged_ _again._  

 _“Just go dress up for_ _whoever she was that you were talking to.” Kelley responded._  

 _Christen furrowed her brow. She was_ _starting to become a little indignant to Kelley’s response to_ _Christen's_ _rare display of exposure_ _of her weaknesses. Of her love for Kelley._  

 _“What are you talking about?_ _I- I was literal just talking to-"_  

 _“I’ve checked out."_ _Kelley said_ _when she turned around. And to Christen, Kelley’s face looked like she really had in fact, checked_ _out_ _._  

 _“You don’t want me._ _Then I don’t want you. There. “_  

 _The hand that was_ _lost in_ _Christen's_ _scalp_ _when she scratched it out of frustration fell to her side at the sound of those words._  

 _“Kelley, I still love you.” Christen said desperately. She ditched any sort of self dignity with that admission._  

 _“Well I don’t love you.” Kelley said with a shrug while she looked away._ _She said it like it was so simple._  

 _“You…You don’t?”_  

 _“No.”_  

 _Without that self-dignity, without that self-respect, Christen allowed the tears that she didn’t want to fall,_ _well she let them fall. She didn’t think she could control it._  

 _She wanted Kelley to just soothe her and take it all back like she usually did whenever they fought over little things. But this them, Kelley was just standing there, devoid of any emotion._  

 _“Tell me you don’t love me again.” Christen asked of her again_  

 _“I don’t.”_  

 _“Look at me when you say it.” She commanded. Kelley always avoided eye contact with her when she was lying. She hoped that she was lying this time._  

 _No response._  

 _They lived in the silence for awhile._  

 _“Tell me.”_ _Christen demanded of her again when she moved closer._  

 _But this time, Kelley couldn’t tell her those exact words when Christen had her gaze. For a second she could see the scared and broken girl that cried in her arms whenever she_ _got scared that Christen was going to leave her for someone else._  

 _“I love you._ _You’re the easiest person to fall for_ _.” She said when she held on tightly to Kelley, who for a moment seemed like she was going to come back_ _down to earth._  

 _“Please come back from that head of yours._ _I’ll be here. I promise.” Christen said softly_ _into Kelley’s chest._  

 _She wanted to revel in the fact that she may have just tethered Kelley back_  

 _But it didn’t last long._  

 _“_ _Everyone's a disappointment, Chris. Learn that now.”_ _Christen could feel Kelley escape her touch and escape the love she was trying to give._  

 _She looked down_ _at the ground_ _before she abruptly walked away_ _from_ _Christen and said, “I wont be back.”_  

 


	5. Prettiest Girl in the Room

 

##

 

It had been a really nice day. It was one for the books. Kelley had her two thumbs hooked onto the inside of Alex’s waistband and had her close.

“I know. It’s…my mom.”

“Ah.” Alex said with a knowing nod. “You know you are like a grown up…right superstar?”

“Am I?” Kelley asked with a smirk.

“You know, you and your mom are like exactly-”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah.” Kelley waved her off.

“It’s a compliment.” Alex said with a smile.

They just smiled at each other as they leaned on the brick wall of the side of Alex’s house that her old bedroom was on. The wooden fence that surrounded the side and backyard of their house were hiding them from eyes that Kelley didn’t want to be on them.

“I had a really good time with you.” Kelley said when she ducked her head and hoped that Alex felt the same.

“Same.” Alex said.

“I wish I didn’t have to cut it short.” Kelley said with a pout.

“Me too.”

Alex grabbed the crutches that were hanging out the window from her old bedroom and then handed them to Kelley, who looked like she was very wary of them.

“Be nice to them. They’re gonna be your best friends for a long time.” Alex said before she gave Kelley a goodbye kiss that felt a little unreal.

“See you around superstar.” Alex called out.

When Kelley was in the middle of the street, she turned around to see Alex Morgan still standing by the gate of her house, smiling at her.

It was a sight she very much needed if she were to every feel like a superstar again.

 

::

 

“Where have you been?” Erin asked without looking up from her spot on the couch while she watched the TV.

“Out.” Kelley said while she crutched her way into the house.

“Mom’s been looking for you.”

Kelley rolled her eyes. “Where’s Christen?”

Erin finally looked at her.

“She’s out shopping with mom.”

“Oh.”

Kelley hopped her way to the couch Erin was on and plopped right down next to her. It was just the two of them in the house then, and Kelley didn’t want to be alone. She had cut her day short with Alex because dinner was promised to be served two minutes ago. She sat down dissatisfied.

She turned to see Erin looking at her with suspicious eyes.

“What?”

She backed up a little when Erin leaned in closer and started sniffing her.

“What weirdo??” Kelley inquired.

Erin just rolled her eyes before she turned her attention back to the screen.

“What the fuck Erin?”

Erin gave a little shake to her head. “You were hanging out with Alex weren’t you?”

Kelley just took a moment to figure out why Erin was so annoyed, how she knew, and what it would mean for the time she spent back home. She didn’t know how to respond. She just settled into her seat.

It was awhile before either of them spoke.

“You’re gonna hurt Christen again.”

Kelley sighed.

“I’m not.” She refuted.

“Are you doing this because Christen hung out with that chick?”

“No.”

“Really, because it kind of seems like it?” Erin pushed.

Kelley grabbed the remote and changed the channel. She pretended to watch whatever she had tuned into.

“You were all for taking Christen out on a good date the other day. What happened? Did she- mom said that you two have been fighting-”

Kelley hung her head. She was exhausted from her family.

“Erin, please.”

The two were fortunate that they didn’t have to sit in silence for long. It must have been ten minutes of the two of them just staring at the screen before they heard the garage door, signaling the arrival of people that could break the tension in the room.

“Where have you been?” Kelley asked when she saw Christen walk in with a bunch of bags on her arms. She hopped over to help relieve the load on her arms.

Christen just shook her head at the sigh of Kelley without her crutches, but she let it go, and accepted the help that Kelley provided. She gave Kelley a little subtle smirk when Kelley had kissed her on the lips when her mom had walked in, too.

“She was spending quality time with me since my daughter likes to disappear all the time.” Karen said when she walked past them.

“Did you have fun? What did you guys do?” Kelley asked when she looked inside all of the bags she had put down for Christen.

“Of course we did.” Christen said. She went back out to get more bags from the cars. She felt torn between appreciation and annoyance to see Kelley hobbling out of the house to come help her.

“If you keep doing that, I’m going to have to break up with you.” Christen said with raised eyebrows.

“Don’t you mean fake break up with me?” Kelley asked when she got up next to Christen and reached in to hold onto one of the bags.

“You wouldn’t do that would you?” Kelley asked with overly dramatic puppy eyes.

It earned her an eye roll that signaled that she was being charming enough.

“Wait-“

Kelley pulled Christen back when she placed her hand on her stomach to pull when she was making her way back into the house.

“What did you do today?” Kelley asked when she sat down in the cargo space of her mom’s SUV to give her feet a rest.

“Spent a mother-daughter day with your mom at the mall.” Christen smiled. “She misses you by the way.”

“What do you mean?”

“She wants to spend more time with you.” Christen whispered, like it was a secret (but not).

“I’ll spend more time with her, Chris.” Kelley reassured. “As long as you’re there.”

Christen rolled her eyes.

“Don’t act like you didn’t know I would say that. You came here to be my buffer with my mom!” Kelley said with an amused chuckle.

Christen eventually nodded. It was true.

“Hey- um.” Kelley pulled her back again and embraced her around her torso. Christen was standing, and Kelley sitting down on her edge of the car, so she just laid her head onto Christen’s chest and held here there.

“Are you okay?” Christen whispered.

Kelley brought her head up to look up at her concerned expression.

“Thank you for spending time with my mom. It means a lot to me.” Kelley said quietly.

Christen smiled.

“I love your mom.” Christen said when she put her hands to frame Kelley’s face.

“She’s really happy that you’re here.” Kelley said.

Christen swept Kelley’s hair behind her ear.

“I know you won’t believe me, but your mom is happy that YOU are here. Not me.” Christen said softly.

Kelley shrugged. She always shrugged it off.

“Fine.” Kelley said before she tightened her arms around her. “I’m happy that you are here.”

“You’re happy because I bought you dinner.”

“Hey! You and mom promised me that eight was dinner time, and I was here!.” Kelley defended.

“You could have made yourself a sandwich.” Christen pointed out.

“Not fun.” Kelley pouted. “Plus why would I have a mediocre sandwich when I can just have something amazing you cooked?”

Christen looked at her suspiciously.

“Well I didn’t cook this time. I just got takeout.”

“I was promised a home cooked meal.” Kelley said with a raised eyebrow.

“Okay, you’re Highness.” Christen chuckled.  She tried to untangle from Kelley’s embrace and lead them back into the house, but her best friend didn’t budge. She kept them in their lock and burrowed further into her hug.

“You’re being sweet.” Christen observed, she was a little surprised by Kelley’s behavior. It wasn’t strange because Kelley got like this every once in awhile, but it was unexpected.

“Well I’m sweet, aren’t I?” Kelley asked her with these big eyes.

Christen didn’t know if their conversation must have clicked with her best friend, or if something happened, but she had to admit that this was a version of Kelley that she missed.

“Yes. You are.”

Kelley smiled big.

“Let’s go inside. Food’s gonna get cold.” Christen said gently when she nodded towards the door of the house. Kelley held onto her hand when Christen tried to help her walk without her crutches.

They both looked up to see Mrs. O’Hara on the other side of the car, smirking at them.

“What, mom?”

Karen just opened the side car door to grab a bag from the backseat before she just smirked and walked into the house.

“She’s so weird.” Kelley said with a shake to her head.

 

++

 

It didn’t go past Christen that Kelley held on to her hand on the way to the kitchen. She saw that Erin’s eyes trailed down to their held hands before she turned back to the Tv.

She was very aware of Kelley’s hand on her waist when Christen was setting up the pizza boxes on the table so that all the options were made available for them.

She couldn’t ignore the little grin on Karen’s face when Kelley had kissed her on the cheek when they sat down next to each other at the table.

Of course, it was all for show because Christen knew that the O’Haras were inquiring about the status of their relationship, and she knew that Kelley wanted to put their questions to bed. But a little part of her brain was telling her to put her guard up just a little. Her conversation with Kelley out in the driveway was weakening her. Her guard was put there to give herself time to rebuild around her softspot for Kelley.

Christen had to remind herself what they were doing, like actually doing, when she was sitting on the couch with all of the O’Haras in the living room watching a movie, cuddled up and underneath Kelley’s arm. She had her hand resting in between their legs, when Kelley grabbed it and held it. Christen spent a long while looking at their hands instead of the screen.

She needed to refresh her mind.

“Anyone want a beer?” She asked.

Everyone wanted one. She was glad to have a task that would help her build that wall because it required her hands to do something else. She was thankful for the small amount of space she could put between her and her best friend. Kelley was being extra affectionate, and it wasn’t super unusual, but it had been awhile and Christen needed time to make the transition into it being a performance.

She definitely needed more than one beer, but it seemed like so did everyone else.

“Hey. You’re gonna like go into surgery in like…s little over 24 hours. Should you be drinking?” Christen whispered into Kelley’s ear.

“I won’t get drunk.” Kelley promised.

But the four empty bottle on the coffee table in front of them and the high placement of Kelley’s hand onto Christen’s thigh seemed like that promised was on its way to being broken.

“Are you tired?” Kelley asked.  

Christen nodded. She made sure Kelley took her crutches with her when they made their way up to bed because she seemed like she was just buzzed, but not yet tipsy.

“Erin said they will move the last of the stuff from my room tomorrow night. Okay?” Kelley said when she looked up at Christen who was brushing her teeth by the bathroom sink.

She nodded. “Hey I didn’t ask.” She spit the toothpaste into the sink.

“How was your day with Alex?”

She could see a big relaxed smile on Kelley’s face.

“That good, huh?” Christen inquired.

Kelley nodded.

“Why didn’t you invite her for pizza?” Christen asked before she started round two of brushing.

“That would complicate things.” Kelley said.

“You? Complicating? What??” Christen joked. She rinsed her mouth.

“Hardy har.” Kelley said. “I’d just rather things with Alex be smooth sailing. I mean she knows about what you and I are doing, but I’d just rather not ask more people to be involved when it comes to my mom and all that.”

Christen nodded in understanding.

“Did you guys do it?” She asked with a smirk when she turned off all the lights off except the little night light Kelley had found from her old room.

“Stoooop.” Kelley said shyly.

“Oh c’mon. No fun.” Christen pushed. She got into bed.

“Did you and Tobin do it?” Kelley asked jokingly.

..

“No.” Christen said. She instantly regretted it.

“I had a good day. That’s all I’m gonna say.” Kelley said softly when she propped herself up and placed her hand onto Christen’s stomach.

“Fair enough.” She wasn’t going to push a subject that she apparently wasn’t ready to have with Kelley either.

“Are you doing okay? You know- day after tomorrow…”

Kelley eventually nodded.

“I actually hadn’t thought about it till now.” She said with a smile.

“Sorry.” Christen said with. Regretful grimace.

“Are you going to be there when I wake up? You know I always throw up when I go under.” Kelley warned her.

Of course Christen was going to be there. She wouldn’t miss it. She put her hand onto Kelley’s and squeezed it to let her know.

“Can you make sure I sleep good tomorrow night? I need to be…okay…for that day.” Kelley said carefully. She was realizing now that the surgery was very close, and she didn’t want to combust as a person again.

Her best friend nodded.

“You’ll have your big bed all to yourself.” Christen reminded her. “I think you’ll sleep like a queen… Get it…?”

She thought her joke was pretty funny, but Kelley seemed a little put out by her words. Her face was stone still, and Christen tried to process what it was that she said this time. Kelley slowly rolled into her back and took her hand away from Christen.

“What just happened?”

Kelley stayed silent. She usually did. Christen wanted to give her a 15 second chance to explain herself.

She waited. She held her breath. The time ran out.

“Kell-“

She watched as Kelley sat up in her spot and started messing with the tape around her ankle. Christen could tell that the fidgeting in her best friends’s part was to avoid what Christen was asking her not to avoid.

She gave Kelley her time. She stayed silent while Kelley had her back to her, pulling on her tape like she was pulling something in her mind.

“Hey.”

Kelley didn’t turn around.

“Kelley.”

Christen sat up and pulled Kelley’s arm towards her so that she could pull her back down to earth. Her tug seemed to do the job.

“Can you please just stay with me?” Kelley asked without looking back at her.

“Yeah.” Christen said softly. She still wasn’t sure what her best friend was thinking about, or what rollercoaster in her mind she had just ridden.

“Come back.” She urged of her best friend. Christen tugged Kelley back down so that both of their heads hit the pillow.   

“Of course I’ll stay with you.” She said quietly.

“Can you just hang out with me tomorrow?” Kelley asked quietly.

“Of course.” She urged.

“Do you have plans with Tobin?”

Christen scratched at her head as she thought over her mental calendar. She did have plans with Tobin and they were ones that she was really looking forward to.  “Yes, but I can cancel them.”

“No. It’s fine. Whatever.” Kelley mumbled. She turned on her side so that she wasn’t facing the woman that had been in her bed every night since she got here. Christen rolled her eyes. Anyone who has endured the childish ways Kelley would employ to get her attention was sometimes exhausting. Just like Kelley was.

She thought about turning Kelley over to nip it in the bud. To just have a fight with Kelley now so that they wouldn’t have to deal with it tomorrow.

Christen sighed.

She decided to approach it in a different way.

“Can you hang out with me and Tobin? I’d really like you to meet her. She said that she went to school with you.” Christen asked when she grabbed a chunk of Kelley’s hair and twirled it with her finger.

“It would be really nice for you to be friends with my friend.” Christen added.

“She’s your friend?” Kelley asked. The tone that came with it wasn’t the nicest.

“Yes Kelley. She’s a friend.”

Silence.

“You’d like her. She’s super angsty like you.” Christen said.

“I’m not angsty.” Kelley said with a scowl when she turned back around in dissatisfaction at Christen’s words.

“Then stop being like this.” Christen reminded her gently. “Make an effort to get to know someone that I know, like I did with your friends.”

“Is this serious?” Kelley inquired.

“Is what serious?”

Kelley turned so that she was looking back up at the ceiling.

“You and Tobin. Is this serious?”

Christen chuckled. “Is anyone I meet serious?”

“Then I don’t want to meet her.” Kelley said simply.

“Kelley-“

She stopped midsentence as Kelley curled up to her side and laid her head on Christen’s chest. It was the signal to the end of the conversation. 

 

::

 

_She watched as Kelley started to pump out the pain reliever cream from the huge bottles of it on the counter and rub an alarming amount all over her arms like it was sunscreen._

_“When are you gonna just put her out of her misery?” Emily asked with a chuckle as she chewed on her energy bar and stood by Christen to observe the girl that kept bothering her friend._

_“I don’t know.” Christen shrugged._

_“You wanna go help her out?”_

_Emily rolled her eyes. “Only for you.”_

_Christen watched with a smirk when Kelley noticed that it wasn’t the person who usually helped her out. She walked over to Sam Johnson who was smirking at her from across the room when she taped up some fingers for a guy on the football team. Christen made herself look busy because she knew that Kelley’s eyes were on her._

_“You’re being cruel.” Sam said with a shake to her head._

_“What are we talking about?” The guy said. But both Christen and Sam ignored him._

_“I’m being nothing. Sonnet wanted to help her.” Christen said, knowing that no one in this training room would believe that claim._

_“Be nice, Chris. She just loves you.” Sam said with a smile._

_“Who loves you?” Inquired the guy whose fingers were almost fully taped._

_Again, he went ignored._

_“She’s a player, Sam. I’m not going to get sucked into that.” Christen reasoned._

_“But she likes you.” Sam pouted._

_“Who are we talking about? O’Hara?” The guy asked. Christen and Sam Johnson finally turned their attention to him, realizing that someone else was in the room. So that she wouldn’t have to answer, she took over taking his other hand._

_“She’s definitely slept with her fair share.” The guy said with a grin, thinking that his comment would offer something to the conversation._

_“See.” Christen said. She had to retape his ringer finger when she had almost cut off his circulation._

_“You’re sprung on her!” He said excitedly. He was loud enough for Emily across the room to hear him._

_“Sorry.” He whispered._

_“I’m just saying. She’s come around a lot. Might mean something more.” Sam said with raised eyebrows and a shrug before she walked away to help another athlete that just walked in._

_Christen didn’t want to think about it the way her friend was suggesting she do so._

_“You know, if things don’t work out worth O’Hara, I’m still single.” The guy said with a wink._

_Christen gave him a deadened expression. “I wonder why.”_

_She walked away before he understood Christen’s response._

_“Oh c’mon!” He called out after her._

_::_

_“Didn’t Em already help you?” Christen asked softly. She was amused. Kelley had come in looking beet red in the face from a workout and the sweat dripping from her forehead, her neck shiny from her workout._

_“She did.” Kelley said while she walked over to the role of paper towels and wiped at the white cream on her arms that had been sweated off._

_“You know that wasn’t sunscreen…right?” Christen asked with a smirk._

_Kelley pouted at her. “You could have warned me.”_

_Christen just chuckled and shook her head at her future teammates shenanigans. She sat up on the counter and watched the only athlete in the room clean herself off._

_“I know you were watching me when I put it on.” Kelley said when she discarded the paper into the trash can. “Why didn’t you warn me?”_

_“Because I know you can read, O’Hara.” Christen said with narrowed eyes as she pointed at the label on the bottles that clearly indicated what the contents were._

_“And who said I was watching you?” She challenged._

_“You’re always watching me.” Kelley said seriously when she walked over to Christen’s spot on the counter. This was unlike Kelley’s joking and stupidly charming banter. It made Christen nervous because Kelley was getting closer and closer and she seemed to have a purpose for walking over to her._

_“Maybe because you keep coming over when you don’t need to and I have no idea why.” Christen said as Kelley got really close to her face._

_It was so close and Christen could feel her heartbeat in her throat._

_“You really don’t know why, Press?” Kelley asked with her own pair of narrowed eyes._

_Christen gulped._

_“I don’t.” She said. She was really happy that no one else happened to be in the room at the moment._

_“Tell me to not come back, and I won’t.” Kelley said. She put her palms on the counter, boxing Christen in._

_Christen couldn’t respond because Kelley was really close to her, closer than she ever had been before. She looked down to see Kelley’s hand very close to her legs, and she realized as she looked down at the girl in front of her that this was the view of Christen that Kelley always had of her when she was getting her ankle taped. Even though she was up on the counter, situated higher and looking down, it felt very vulnerable to be looked at the way Kelley was looking at her._

_“Just say the word, and I won’t ever come around again.” Kelley whispered into her ear. It tickled all of the nerves on the left side of Christen’s whole body. All she could do was breath heavy, while Kelley was still in her position, really close to Christen._

_“Do you want to come around again?” This time, Christen abandoned the challenge, the fight in her voice. This time, her voice sounded so small and so vulnerable. And for a very long moment, she regretted putting her guard down and ruining this banter she had with a very intriguing person._

_She watched as Kelley slowly pulled back._

_Christen watched the way Kelley’s eyes scanned her own, back and forth. If her eyes weren’t playing tricks on her, it looked like Kelley was putting her guard down, too._

_“Only if you don’t reject me this time.” Kelley said quietly as she looked up Christen and begged for some mercy that Christen never thought Kelley O’Hara would ever beg for from anyone._

_“I don’t-“_

_Christen felt the decision that was being placed onto her. She could see that Kelley was exposing herself in this moment like she never has before to Christen. She hoped that this wasn’t just another one of Kelley’s moves._

_“I really like you, Christen.” Kelley said before she had taken a nervous gulp._

_Christen wasn’t used to Kelley being this quiet as she waited for her words. Usually when she had came in, she always had something to say, a story to tell, or a joke to give. Usually it was Christen that  was silent as she listened to Kelley ramble off and observed how charming and annoying her teammate actually could be._

_“If you want me to stop trying to win you over, I’ll do whatever you want.” Kelley said softly._

_The seconds had passed, and she watched when Kelley truly looked heartbroken at Christen’s assumed response._

_“I’m sorry for bothering you.” Kelley admitted. She took her hands away from the counter._

_Christen had to make the decision to put an end to the very enjoyable times that she had flirting with Kelley because they were going to be teammates, or she should just take a chance on this person that really knew how to get to her._

_When Kelley gave her one last look of an apologetic expression, and then turned to end whatever this was that they had between them, Christen made her decision._

_She quickly grabbed Kelley’s face to prevent her from leaving, and she quickly planted a kiss on her lips. It was so fast that Kelley didn’t even see it coming._

_The first kiss was a peck that quickly ended as it began. It was just a hasty and awkward planting of her lips onto Kelley’s and Christen wanted to cringe._

_They were both surprised at what had just happened. Christen wasn’t sure if she had just made it up in her head._

_For a second, Christen let her insecurity manifest as she envisioned that Kelley was gonna say, “geez I was just kidding, stop being obsessed with me” or “what was that?”_

_She hated that her plea for Kelley to not leave seemed so desperate. She wasn’t supposed to ever seem desperate to Kelley O’Hara. Because even though it was Kelley that was the one to come around an embarrassing amount of times to be around Christen, for Christen it felt like she was the one always desperately waiting for Kelley to come in. She didn’t know how she would feel when Kelley fully recovered and wouldn’t need to keep coming around. The fact that she thought about it quite often wasn’t something she ever admitted to anyone_

_But right now, after their first kiss, it was Kelley that seemed unresponsive._

_Christen was glad that Emily and Sam had walked in._

_She tore her gaze away from Kelley and tried to remember how to breathe when she walked away from this moment. She needed this lifeline._

_Both of her friends looked on at her with curious eyes, but Christen just ignored them when she tried to busy herself._

_Christen closed her eyes in frustration when she heard the door close to from Kelley’s sudden departure._

_“What just happened?” Sam asked._

_::_

_“Hey.”_

_Christen looked up to see Kelley walking back into the training room. She was in a different pair of cleaner clothes than she had on six hours ago when she had rubbed all of that pain reliever all over her arms._

_Christen wished that Kelley wouldn’t have shown up this time._

_“Hey.” Christen said back when she continued to get all of the textbooks she had open to study during the slow hours of her rotation, and rounded them up to put in her backpack._

_“Where you headed to?” Kelley asked when she walked up and stood next to her. The question came so innocent, like Christen hadn’t just awkwardly kissed her earlier today._

_“Home.” Christen said. She felt embarrassed, and she wanted to keep her mouth shut as much as possible because apparently she did really embarrassing things with her mouth._

_“Cool.” Kelley said when she sat up on the counter in her usual spot to get taped._

_“Um…you got plans tonight?” Kelley asked when she realized that Christen wasn’t in a chatty mood._

_“Nope.” Christen said as she zipped her backpack up._

_“Well…”_

_Christen could tell that the both of them didn’t know how to act around each other now that the protection of their flirtatious yet ‘it’s never going to happen’ bubble had been burst._

_“I don’t have plans tonight either.” Kelley said with a shrug._

_“Cool, O’Hara.” She said as she swung her bag onto her back._

_“Well. Um. Would you want to hang out tonight?” Kelley asked when she jumped off the counter and walked over so that she could catch Christen from walking out._

_“I’m good.” Christen said. She just wanted to die of embarrassment. She didn’t know what she had exposed herself to when she had kissed Kelley, and she didn’t want to think about either the pity Kelley had for her for falling for her good natured flirtations, or the genuine liking she had for her._

_Both seemed dangerous._

_“Did I- did I fuck this up?” Kelley asked. Christen didn’t look at her._

_“What did I do?” Kelley asked seriously and quietly as she got closer._

_“Listen.” Christen sighed.She wanted to put a stop to all of this._

_“You know how charming you can be.” Christen said when she looked up and gave Kelley a look of warning. “And I’m falling for it. Okay? You win. Now can you just let me be? I don’t know if this is a power play or you think I’m going into take your spot or something but-“_

_This time, the kiss wasn’t quick. It was slow and deep, and it was Kelley that kissed her this time. Christen didn’t think that this girl that was kissing her could be so soft. Everything about her was loud and rough and comical.  The softness and the gentle way she slipped the backpack off of her shoulders and hoisted Christen on the counter were so smooth._

_Not only were her lips soft, but the way she made Christen feel taken care of and protected by her soft touch and an arm looped around her back so that she wouldn’t fall, felt soft._

_It was unexpected._

_It was mesmerizing. Kelley’s hand on her legs and her mouth on her neck seemed like the only thing in this room that could actually rehab Christen and the insecurity she harbored around her feelings for someone she didn’t think she could have. Because even though she always came around here like a puppy wanting attention, Kelley always seemed so unobtainable. Christen couldn’t explain it to someone, but with no matter how much she came around to flirt with her, Kelley always seemed like she could easily pull the plug on the happiness she created._

_But her hands and her lips and the privilege she gave Christen to see how soft and vulnerable she could be, made Christen feel truly special. Here was this loud mouthed, over confident, beautiful asshole that was asking her not to hurt her feelings and let her express love that she rarely got to show._

_“This isn’t a power play.” Kelley said when she grabbed Christen’s hand and kissed it._

_“You have all the power over me.” Kelley said through her heavy breaths and she sought safety in a Christen’s hold._

_As Christen looked down at the top of Kelley’s head, she could tell the girl could hear her heartbeat as she laid her head on Christen’s chest. Christen knew that this was a rare thing for Kelley to do. She didn’t know how she knew, but she knew._

_“I don’t want to say goodnight to you.” Kelley said sadly._

_They were standing outside the gym building. Christen’s apartment was one way, Kelley’s dorm the other way._

_“Not after knowing what it’s like to kiss you.” Kelley said softly._

_Christen grabbed Kelley’s hand. She’s never held it before, she realized. This felt more intimate than their heavy makeout session. She looked down and traced lines and poems onto Kelley’s palms._

_“I don’t want to say goodnight either.”_

_Because this felt like something she would want forever._

_::_

_“My best friend Alex from high school was vegan too.” Kelley said with a scrunched up face. She took a huge bite from her hot dog that she had ordered from the food truck._

_“Do I detect some judgement from you O’Hara?” Christen asked._

_“Maybe.” Kelley said with her mouth full before she grinned at her._

_Christen wiped off the ketchup that was on Kelley’s cheek with her napkin. She took a bite from her tofu dog that had many colored canned vegetables plopped on top of it._

_“You eat so cute.” Kelley chuckled._

_“Try it.”_

_Kelley looked like she’d rather not._

_“Vegetables aren’t gonna kill you like that mystery meat that’s been stuffed into a sleeve of intestinal lining…” Christen pointed out._

_“Well geeeez.” Kelley said before she took a huge bite of Christen’s food and then gave her a bright, food-filled smile._

_Christen gave her a devious smile. It earned her a sincere kiss on the lips. One that was quickly becoming a necessity in Christen’s life._

_When Kelley pulled away she looked at Christen Like really looked at her. Her eyes scanned side to side to see what Christen wanted in this life, so that she could figure out how to give it to her._

_“You’re the prettiest girl in the room.” Kelley said thoughtfully.  And even though they weren’t in a room, nor would she ever feel like the prettiest girl anywhere, Christen fell deeper in love with Kelley when she heard those words. But it was too soon to tell her that._

_“I really like you.” Kelley said quietly before she looked away and took another big bite from her own food. She almost seemed embarrassed that she had said what was on her mind._

_Christen grabbed Kelley’s hand underneath the wooden picnic table they were sharing with two other couples since the seating in the food truck block was limited. Instead of responding or bringing attention to Kelley’s conciliating words, she held on to her hand tightly and laid her head on Kelley’s shoulder while they absorbed the feeling of their unexpected and impromptu first date._

_The factor that felt the most unexpected was how quickly this felt so right. It all felt the opposite of their first kiss. It felt like it fit._

_Neither of them wanted the night to end._

_“You don’t have to go.” Christen subtly pleaded. Both of her hands were holding onto the one of Kelley as they stood outside her apartment door. The whole night, dinner and then a cheap outdoor movie, and a long walk around campus, Kelley had been revealing herself little by little, while Christen held onto her hand and just listened. Just fell in love._

_“Can you please stay with me?” Christen asked. It was her turn to be vulnerable. The past few hours with Kelley had changed everything. And now she didn’t know how she had gone on without this girl. It was a little scary._

_She didn’t even think about how messy her apartment was. Kelley didn’t seem to notice either. They spent the rest of the night in her bed, feeling like this would truly never end even if their eyes did close and the sun rose again on a different day. It felt safe and it felt right and Christen promised to herself that she would never forget the way Kelley made her feel that night._

_It really was unforgettable._

_She thought about it when she woke up to see Kelley still sleeping by her side. She thought about it when she watched Kelley pour herself a bowl of cereal with almond milk, and she thought about it when Kelley had to leave for class._

_She carried the high from last night all throughout the day. Christen was glued to her phone and her world lit up when Kelley would text her._

_She tried to contain the huge smile on her face when she opened the door to the training room to see a freckled face girl on the counter, rubbing pain relieving cream on her ankle, waiting for her._

_Emily and Sam could tell the difference in the way Christen and Kelley were to each other. But they didn’t say anything until later that day._

_“Will Um – when will I see you again?”  Christen inquired shyly when she watched Kelley put her tennis shoes on over her taped ankle._

_“Oh I’m not going anywhere.” Kelley said before she gave Christen a kiss on her cheek._

_“I’ll be back. I promise.” Kelley said with a wink before she exited the room._

_Christen turned around to see Emily looking at her with a huge smirk on her face._

_::_

“Don’t be grumpy.” Christen advised.

With her sleepy eyes, Kelley pouted. She furrowed her brow in discontent.

“I don’t want you to walk today.” Christen explained.

It did nothing to placate Kelley’s dissatisfaction so early in the morning. She sat on the couch with her metal best friends laid out across her lap, which were ready to be used to go to some pancake house that Christen was forbidding her to go to.

“Hahaha!” Erin called out while she grabbed the keys to Kelley’s car.

“Shutup Erin.” Kelley mumbled.

“Oh stop it. We’re just picking it up and eating breakfast here with you.” Mrs. O’Hara said when she led the way out of the house. Erin followed.

“Don’t.” Christen warned.

“But I want to go!” Kelley protested.

“Well I don’t care what you want, babe. You will stay here and wait for us.”

Kelley crossed her arms and snuggled further into the pillow she brought down with her. Christen turned on the tv for her so that she could have something to entertain herself.

“You’re being difficult.” Christen pointed out.

“You said you were going to spend time with me today.” Kelley’s voice was muffled as she spoke into her pillow.

Christen chuckled. Sometimes she forgets that Kelley is older than her. But Christen always wondered why Kelley would get like this with her when she had a mom who would never tolerate this. Christen had a lot to work on.

But for now, she bent down to give her best friend a kiss on the cheek.

“30 minutes.I promise.” She whispered.

When she was closing the door to lock it, Kelley  peaked up over the couch to watch her go.

“I’ll be back.” Christen said with a soft smile.

Kelley smiled back.

 

::

 

“Can you not eat in front of me?”

“You’re like what? 30 something? You can wait for the pancakes.” Sam said while she munched on the cold taco that she had pulled from the fridge in Kelley’s kitchen.

“I’m fucking starving.”

Kelley rubbed her growling stomach.

“So you ready bud?” Sam asked.

Kelley sighed. She didn’t want to think about the surgery that was going to cripple her for a very long time. Granted, she was already crippled, but this was something that was irreversible. This was something that was going to change her for the better. But before the better came, the worse had to make an appearance. And Kelley didn’t know if she was equipped to deal with the worst.

She broke down the procedure for her friend, and she relayed what the post surgery care would look like.

“Damn. Well good thing you have a hot nurse.” Sam said with a wink.

Kelley just shook her head in playful disbelief.

“Does Nikki know you talk about my girlfriend like that?” Kelley asked curiously when she took the last bite of the taco and stuffed it into her mouth.

“Oh. So she’s your girlfriend again?” Sam asked with a smirk.

“Whatever. You know what I mean.” Kelley waved.

“Ahhh. I don’t think I do.” Sam said with a raised brow. She ventured to he fridge to find another one of Christen’s creations to snag a free meal out of her visit to the O’Hara residence.

“But. If you’re curious about me and Nikki, yes she knows I talk about Christen like that. And yes, Nikki wants to bang her. And yes I’ve had to tell her no Kelley won’t like that.” Sam said with a satisfied grin.

“Good.” Kelley said with a shrug.

She detailed the rest of her day, which involved sitting on her ass all day with Christen, and invited Sam to join since it could have been the last time she would see her because anything could happen under the knife. Sam told her to calm down.  

“How are you and girl next door?”

Kelley smiled big.

“That good, huh?”

Kelley nodded.

“Ah well. I guess all is good then. You got Alex, Christen’s got T, and the only one who doesn’t win is Nikki because she gets me and she can’t have Christen.” Sam said with a chuckle.

“Who’s T- oh well. I mean they’re just friends right? Like they’ve only hung out a couple of times.” Kelley said. It was more for herself than an actual question to her friend across from her.

“Is that what you tell mommy dearest?” Sam teased.

Kelley rolled her eyes. At the mention of her mom, Kelley would always roll her eyes.

“But seriously, how do you guys keep this up? Hasn’t your family seen you with Alex?” Sam inquired.

“Well they’re definitely on my ass about it.” Kelley said exasperatedly.

“Well.” Sam got up when she realized there was no more food to mooch to go to the living room. “Your heart eyes for Alex are gonna be hard to hide. I know Christen’s are.”

Kelley crutched her way across the house to plop down next to her friend.

“Christen only looks like she has heart eyes for me because she’s acting.” Kelley shrugged.

Sam chuckled.

“Not for you, dummy. For Tobin.” She said when she turned on the TV.

“Those two cannot keep their hands off each other.” Sam said. “It’s actually really gross.”

“C’mon. They’ve hung out like twice.” Kelley said quietly. She picked at the rubber handles on her crutches.

“It’s a vibe, bro. It happens like that.” Sam said when she snapped her fingers. “I swear, when we went to the movies, they seemed like they’ve known each other for years. They cute.”

“Ah.” Kelley said. Not knowing what else to say, she stared at the screen.

“Plus. They’ve done the deed already. Might as well get married.” Sam said with a shrug.

“Chris told me that they haven’t.” Kelley said slowly.

Sam chuckled.

“Well maybe girls being modest, because they definitely slept together. They both said so.”

 

::

 

“So…”

Christen cringed. It was just her and Erin waiting by the hostess for their food. Erin’s mom had elected to stay in the car while Christen had to endure this awkward time with Kelley’s big sister that may or may not have hated her this whole time.

“How are things?”

“They’re good.” Erin said with a nod.

Their was silence again. Christen wished that she would be able to summon up an infinite amount of social graces when it came to Kelley’s older sister, but years of indifference displayed by the other woman drained Christen of any energy to attempt to do so.

“So how are you and my sister?”

“We’re good.” Christen said with a nod.

Erin nodded.

They waited for the food.

“So how well do you know Tobin?” Erin asked, eventually.

Christen wished this wasn’t the topic that Erin chose to bring up.

“Mmm. I just met her.”

“Cool. Cool.”

Christen cleaned her neck to get a view of the hostess who had ventured to the back to get the status in their order.

“So I lied to you.” Erin said without looking at Christen.

“I knew who Tobin is-was. You know, when you guys showed up to the house.” Erin added.

Christen nodded. “Why?”

Erin sighed.

“I just know of her. I’ve seen some of her stuff on the walls of that coffee shop over there on 24th

Christen didn’t quite understand.

“She has a bunch of paintings that a lot of local people like to display.” Erin went on.

“Oh. I didn’t know that she liked to paint.” Christen said.

“I guess you guys really did just meet.” Erin said with a nod. “She’s a cool artist. Sucks about that hand of hers.”

In order to not look like an idiot, Christen didn’t broadcast the fact that she had no idea what Erin was referring to.

“Lot of people like her.” Erin said. This was the part of the conversation that Christen felt was the reason Erin was actually talking to her. She could see the suspicion in Erin’s eyes when she stated that.

“So- just- I’m sorry if I accused you..” Erin said slowly. She looked like she wanted to be precise in her words. Christen didn’t think that the eldest O’Hara would be one to over apologize.

“I just know that you and my sister are fighting a lot.”

Christen took a moment to consider how she wanted to approach this semi intrusive conversation that Erin was initiating. She wouldn’t have considered it as such if her and this woman in front of her had a better relationship.

“Oh. Well your sister and I fight like all the time.” She said casually. She didn’t want to reveal much.

“Really?” Erin asked.

“Oh yeah. This is our everyday.” Christen stated. It was more like their every month, but details weren’t important.

“Huh.” Erin said thoughtfully.

“Why?” Christen asked curiously.

They both looked up when they saw the hostess coming their way with their food. But Christen was set on finding out why Erin found that surprising.

“I don’t know. I guess I just remembered how she was when you guys were together the first time. Never seen her that in love with someone. I just didn’t know that was how you two, I don’t know- gelled.” Erin said with a shrug.

“Oh well don’t get me wrong, we have really good times too!” Christen added. They both walked to the car where Kelley’s mom was sitting in the driver’s seat staring at them.

“That’s what mom says.” Erin said when she nodded towards the woman. Christen gave the woman a smile.

“You know,” Erin paused when she had her hand on the door handle.

“You make my sister really happy.” They were simple, yet effective words that Christen never thought she would receive.

She smiled.

“So I just want you to be aware of when my sister is choosing to hang out with someone who’s never made her happy.”

 

::

 

“Hey!”

“Well hello Alex.” Mrs. O’Hara said.

Christen could see Erin bypass the hello’s to go put the food into the kitchen. She stayed to give Alex a warm hug, because she could tell that Kelley’s neighbor was feeling the chilly response from Kelley’s older sister.

“How are you? How’s the teaching?”

Christen hovered while Alex pleasantly engaged in banter with Kelley’s mom. She felt that it was somewhat necessary for her to stick around and show the family that her and Alex actually liked on another. There was no fight.

Christen even jumped into the conversation, all while Kelley sat on the couch, staring st the screen, not looking at anyone.

It wasn’t until Alex had playfully scratched Kelley on the top of her head when they were all standing behind her, that Christen shifted her attention. She noticed the way Karen observed that affectionate gesture between her neighbor and her daughter.

“Hey. Are you hungry?” Christen asked Kelley quietly.

The look on Kelley’s face told her that something on the background of Kelley’s mind was wrong.

“Are you okay?” Christen whispered.

Kelley nodded. She grabbed her crutches to join her sister in the kitchen. To tell Christen, No, she was not okay.

She let Kelley be. She would tell Christen eventually

 

:

 

 “Yeah I think Kelley and I were just gonna go to the zoo today? Right kell?” Alex looked at her.

“Yep!”

“Ah must be nice. I haven’t been to the zoo here. With how long we’ve lived here, we’ve never taken the kids actually.” Karen said thoughtfully.

“Well I want to see the monkey.” Kelley said with a shrug.

“Oooooo. I wanna see the snakes!” Erin said.

“Yeah, sure Erin. You can come.” Kelley said with an eye roll.

“Yes. Erin can definitely come.” Alex said, eyeing Kelley to tone down the anger in her voice.

Erin smirked before she took a big bite of her pancake.

It was when they were all plotting which animals they were going to see first when Christen saw that Karen noticed the distance between her daughter and Christen, and the closeness between her daughter and Alex.

But Christen didn’t care. She just ate her four pancakes and smothered it in her syrup because the only thing she was going to enjoy out of this breakfast, was the food. And she was glad that Kelley wasn’t looking at her. Because if she did, she wouldn’t be able to be as calm as she was now.

“What about you Christen?” Karen asked.

“I’m good.” Christen said with her mouthful.

“Aw. You’re not going to come?” Alex inquired.

“Nah. I’m good.” Christen said before she forked a big piece and stuffed it into her mouth.

“Christen doesn’t believe in zoos.” Kelley said. Everyone turned back around to look at her. Except Christen.

“She’d rather spend her time breaking the animals out.” Kelley said with an eye roll.

“Yep.” Christen said, before she gave a very fake smile for all of the people in the room. “Which is why Alex you’re the best person to take Kelley to a zoo. Because it’s something I’d never do.”

She intended to create the tension in the room. But when she looked back up to see Erin trying to find a change of subject, she had to admit that she regretted it.

In front Of Kelley’s family in this moment, Alex just seemed more like Kelley’s girlfriend. They were sitting next to each other on the same side of the table and Kelley had her arm draped over the back of Alex’s chair. And the only reason she let herself be childish, was because Kelley was doing it on purpose. She knew what she was doing.

Christen knew that Kelley intentionally made plans with Alex that involved all the walking that Christen specifically planned this day to avoid because tomorrow was her best friends surgery.

The only thing that Christen didn’t know, was why.

“Um. So what time do you guys want to head out?” Erin asked.

“Well I’m good whenever.” Alex said with a shrug. “I took a mental health day today so my schedule is free.”

“Same.” Kelley said.

“Cool. Mom are you going to come?” Erin asked.

“No. I think I’m going to pass.” Karen said. “There’s a lot of stuff to do today.”

The woman started to pick up the dishes and clear the table, and Christen hopped up to help her, while the rest started planning out their day trip. Christen could tell that Mrs. O’Hara wasn’t exactly thrilled by the idea of her two kids going to the zoo, but she didn’t know if it was because Kelley would be on her feet all day, or because they were going with Alex.

It’s not that Kelley’s mom ever acted coldly to her neighbor, but Christen could tell that Karen was turned off by their plans. Christen was glad to have her hands busy so that she wouldn’t have to do anything about this situation.

It was all fucked up.

“Can you act like I’ve taught you to be polite and say thank you?”

Christen looked up to see Karen staring right at Kelley.  She turned to see Kelley looking right at her.  She looked down to see that she had just grabbed Kelley’s silverware to put in the dishwasher.

“Thank you.” Kelley said in a small voice. It seemed hesitant and apologetic.

It was the first time their eyes met.

“You’re welcome.” She said after she looked away and continued to clear the rest of the table.

“Oh yeah. Let’s help.” Erin said in an obvious attempt (another one) to diffuse the tension now created by her mom.

Christen only relaxed when she heard movement. She excused herself to head upstairs.

 

:

 

“What are you doing?” Kelley asked.

Christen folded the last shirt she had pulled and stacked it on top of the dresser that was in Kelley’s now cleared out room.

“Here are the clothes that you’re gonna probably change into after your surgery and you wake up. I put the rest away.”

“You didn’t have to do that.” Kelley said quietly.

The last thing Christen wanted to do was talk to her.

The sight of Kelley was irritating.

She didn’t know why her best friend put her through whatever that awkward situation in the kitchen was. She didn’t know why Kelley begged her to spend time with her today when she could have hung with Tobin, and she didn’t know why she was still here pretending to be her girlfriend. Because so far, it felt like the only person that had to constantly lie was herself. Christen had to spend the whole day with the O’Haras and make nice, while Kelley was free to act like a child and avoid and yell at her mom.

Christen didn’t want to pick a fight right now. Especially because Kelley’s big day was tomorrow. She walked past Kelley to grab the rest of her shit that was in the guest room.

“Are you going to go to the zoo with us?” Kelley asked her.

_Fuck off Kelley._

She continued to unpack the other bags Kelley had.

“Stop doing that. I’ll do it later.” Kelley said softly from her spot by the door.

She ignored her best friend. She would have liked to lash out and ask Kelley how she thought her stuff had been organized for the past month, but she said nothing. She filled out the bottom drawer halfway when she felt something blunt hit her in her butt cheek. She looked down to see Kelley’s crutch digging into her.

“Kelley.”

Christen tried to reign in her frustration.

“Stop.”

“Are you coming to the zoo with us?” Kelley repeated.

“No.”

“So then what are you going to do?”

She was going to start saying things she would regret. She was going to ruin a friendship that she’s worked so hard to build. Christen wanted to run away.

So she did.

 

::

 

_It wasn’t going to be weird. Kelley was going to act like she always did. It wouldn’t be hard._

_Her mind was clouded from thought of itself and it’s many flaws, so she couldn’t really think with clarity these days. The only time she didn’t think about Christen or Alex or her mom, was when she was playing soccer._

_So practice would be the perfect distraction to her distraction._

_On the field was when she was allowed to be an asshole. So this is where she needed to be._

_Kelley warmed up next to Ali Riley and they passed the ball back and forth. Kelley tried to have her back to the bags so that she wouldn’t be the one to see Christen’s arrival. She didn’t want to witness it._

_Kelley knew that she was being extreme with Christen, but she felt like it was the necessary measures to protect Christen. She wanted nothing bad to happen to her. If she dragged Christen down with her when she was at the depths of her soul, she would have destroyed Christen._

_So for now, she was doing the right thing. She hoped that Christen would someday understand that when Kelley figured out how to climb out of it, She would come back to her._

_Kelley continued to block or the chatter of her teammates while she focused on juggling and passing the ball back and forth with her friend. She managed to be successful because in no time at all, she looked up to see the coach sauntering on the field and signaling everyone to go through the official warm up routine._

_And it wasn’t until she had gone through the warm up pattern three times when she realized that almost everyone except Ali, was giving her a look. She wiped her face to make sure that no one was staring at something on it. There was nothing._

_“What does everyone want?” She whispered to Ali._

_Her friend just gave her s grimace. She looked like she couldn’t believe that Kelley didn’t know._

_“You serious?”_

_“What?”_

_They broke to get a quick sip of water._

_“Something’s missing.” Ali said quietly._

_Kelley finally looked around. She finally knocked herself out of her zone. She could see everyone whispering to each other. She could see everyone’s eyes on her. She could see that everyone was giving her an unsatisfied/disgusted look._

_The only thing she didn’t see, was Christen._

_:_

_She probably shouldn’t have opened the door with so much force. But right now she didn’t care._

_“Where’s Chris?”_

_Emily sonnett gave her an eye roll, and ignored her._

_Kelley expected that._

_She jogged over to Christen’s apartment and knocked on the door for seven minutes before her roommate answered the door. She too gave Kelley the cold shoulder and closed the door on her face after she informed her that she hadn’t seen her._

_She checked the southeast corner of the library that Christen liked to hide in when she had a big test._

_Kelley went to the Starbucks on campus that Christen always went to. The look of disgust on the barista’s face when Kelley arrived, didn’t go past her._

_All the people in Christen’s life knew._

_But Christen was nowhere to be found._

_Kelley camped out on the bench by Christen’s apartment because she figured that her ex girlfriend had to come home sometime._

_For a while, Kelley reconsidered what she had done._

It’s for the best. She shouldn’t be with me when I’m like this. When I do all of this. It’s for the best.

But the universal look of disdain she got from everyone close to Christen was undeniable and she couldn’t ignore that.

_It was 11 at night when she finally spotted Christen walking home. It was dark, and she didn’t want to scare her, so she stayed behind and at a distance. Especially because Christen wasn’t alone._

_The guy she was walking with looked like one of the football players that came around to the training room a lot to get his fingers taped._

_The anger rose up her spine._

_She waited until he gave Christen a hug, and then they parted ways. For a second, Kelley hesitated because she didn’t know what to think of what she just saw, but she quickly walked from her spot in the bench to meet her ex by the door._

_“Why weren’t you at practice?”_

_Christen didn’t even look up. She turned her head slightly to the right,  away from Kelley while she bee lined to her apartment._

_“Hey.”_

_Kelley jogged to beat her._

_“Where were you today? The team was looking for you.” Kelley said when she blocked her ex’s path to her own apartment._

_But Christen still wouldn’t look at her. She looked inside her backpack for her keys, she sidestepped Kelley to get to her door._

_“Christen.” Kelley called out softly. She followed her._

_“Hey.” She said when she stepped really close into Christen’s bubble and stopped her from entering her apartment. Kelley knew that she deserved the silent treatment, especially because that’s what she’s been giving Christen, but she urged for Christen’s attention regardless._

_“Everyone’s asking if you’re okay. They were just worried when coach said you weren’t gonna be back.”_

_Christen finally looked up._

_“Are you crying?” Kelley asked in surprise._

_“Hey.”_

_“Stop.”_

_“Why are you crying?”_

_But no matter how softly she would try to pull the answer out of the girl, Christen didn’t respond._

_Kelley stood outside the door to her apartment for another hour, hoping that Christen would pick up her 46 th call, so that she would explain why she wasn’t in practice. Because Christen had a healthy ankle at this point. _

_That night, Kelley didn’t know that she would have to wait more than an hour for Christen to come back to the team._

_She would have to wait a whole year._

_::_

_“_ So What are you going to do today then?”

She looked up to see that Erin was asking her a question. She shrugged.

“I’d rather you be there.”

Christen just wished that Erin’s kindness had showed up a little earlier. This was horrible timing.

“You’re the one that makes my sister happy.” Erin reminded her.

 

 

:

 

She looked up to see Kelley inside the bathroom with her, the door being closed behind her. It was just the two of them. Christen had been taking her toiletries and laying them out again when she found herself trapped.

This was Kelley’s tactic of cornering her.

_Predictable._

“What are you going to do today?” Kelley asked. But this time, it had more sadness in it.

“Nothing, Kell. Nothing.”

“Are you mad about my zoo comment?” She asked cautiously.

Christen sighed. She looked at herself in the bathroom mirror. She asked herself again what she was doing.

She didn’t move when Kelley crutched closer to her.

“I’m sorry.”

_What am I supposed to do with that sorry?_

_“_ You know I was kidding.”

She just let that statement go.

“What are you going to do today?” Kelley asked again. But this time she laid her chin on Christen’s shoulder.

“I’m just going to watch movies on the couch. It was my plan to have a hallmark channel marathon today.” She said with no emotion behind her deadened expression.

“You’re just going to stay inside?”

“Yeah.”

“You don’t want to come out with us?”

“Nope. “

“Do you-did you want me to stay with you?”

The really made her blood boil. She gave Kelley that look. She could feel the pent up feelings simmer behind her eyes.

_You told me that you wanted me to clear my day so that I could spend it with you. Stop acting stupid. I know what you’re doing._

“Do. Whatever. You. Want. Kell.”

“Why are you acting this way?”

She felt the irritation spike up and make her consider punching someone out.

“Don’t.” Christen whispered.

It inflamed the tension. Kelley sighed out of frustration. She crutched away. But when she opened the door, she turned back around.

“You know, I should be pissed at you.” Kelley said.

Christen didn’t respond. She was too angry to.

And her lack of response drew Kelley in again. She shut the door behind her and crutched back up to her.

“Why didn’t you tell me you slept with Tobin?” Kelley demanded from her.

But Kelley’s tone of attack made Christen’s defense mechanism flare up in full force. She didn’t care how Kelley came to find this out in that moment. She didn’t skip a beat when she replied, “Because I wasn’t ready to tell you.”

“Why the fuck not?” Kelley sneered.

“Because I don’t have to explain my feelings for another person to you, Kelley! I don’t have to operate on your timeline!” Her voice was raising.

“Doesn’t mean you had to lie about it!”

“Okay. Fine. I fucked Tobin. Are you happy? Does it make you happy to hear that?” Christen asked. Knowing that Kelley would not be happy to hear that.

Kelley’s face went slack for a second.

“Whatever, Chris.” She mumbled before she walked back out.

Christen sighed.

 

 

::

 

“I figured.”

Kelley gave her a wary look.

“Well. I mean it’s not like I actually believed that Erin wanted to spend time with you and I.” Alex said in a chuckle.

“So no. We are not going to the zoo.” She confirmed.

“Plus you really shouldn’t be. You’re going to have surgery tomorrow.”

“Then why did you agree to it?” Kelley asked surprised.

“Because I knew what you were doing.” Alex said with a smirk.

“I wasn’t doing anything.” Kelley said in a pout. Alex just gave her a pat on the head and a really soft kiss on the lips.

She grabbed Kelley’s face in her two palms.

“You know, you think you’re so complicating and no one can understand you. But you’re quite the opposite. You’re very predictable.” She said in a quiet and warm tone.

Kelley relaxed. She didn’t know what it meant, but she felt understood. This wasn’t something that Alex ever provided her as a kid. Alex was always the mystery, the girl that got away, and the one Kelley couldn’t quite read. Kelley didn’t think she could ever fully explain to alex what was is her head. But present day alex made her feel like maybe she didn’t really need to explain.

“You could save yourself a lot of heartache if you just weren’t an asshole. Cuz you know when you’re being an asshole.” Alex said with a smirk.

“I don’t know Al. Sometimes I think that I’ve fucked things up too many time between Christen And I. Maybe I just deserve the day she’s gonna walk out of my life and not come back.”

“Well god. I hope that’s not true.” Alex said. Kelley shrugged before she pulled Alex closer and they both fell onto the pillow of Alex’s.

They both just stared at each other. To take the sight in.

“Do I deserve a second with you?” Alex asked after awhile. She looked like it was something that had been on her mind a lot.

“Of course.” Kelley said softly.

“It’s not too late to make things right?” Alex inquired.

“Never.” Kelley said when she rolled up onto her elbows and scooted closer to her childhood best friend.

“Well then it’s never too late for you to make things right with someone else.”

 

::

 

Kelley sighed. She tried to mentally prepare herself. She could see her mom all the way from Alex’s front door.

She knew what conversation was going to be had. She crutched over slowly. This time, Kelley didn’t pretend to not see her mom. She just sat down next to the woman who had been leaning on the column of the house, talking in the phone.

Kelley wanted ubtil Karen hung up on her call.

“How’s alex?”

“She’s good.” Kelley said with a nod. “I learned that she never had any intention on fulfilling my wishes to go to the zoo.”

She chuckled. Karen chuckled.

The laughter died down. And they both stared out at Alex’s door. Kelley could just read all of the things her mom wanted to say. All the things she wanted to ask. All the judgement she wanted to regain down on her daughter. Kelley could just feel the disappointment that usually radiated from Karen O’Hara.

Kelley braced herself.

“It was nice to talk to Alex, again.” Karen said softly. “She’s lived across from me her whole life and I don’t remember the last time I spoke to her.”

Kelley blinked. She didn’t know what else to say. This wasn’t what she was expecting. She kept her mouth shut.

“I forgot how nice she was.” Karen said with a nod.

“Yeah. She’s great.” Kelley said hesitantly.

“It’s nice to see you with people.” Karen said with a shrug.

“It’s nice to see me with people? Mom what are you talking about?” Kelley asked with light laughter. She was still waiting to see if her mom would switch gears at any second.

Karen smiled.

“It’s just nice to be reminded of how good my daughter turned out to be.”

Kelley furrowed her brow.

“I just mean,” Karen sighed, “whenever I see you with people, I can tell that all they wanna do is…be with you. Hang out with you. My kids someone that could pick up right where she left off with her very first love.”

Kelley looked away. She absorbed the actually kind words she didn’t remember much of her mom saying to her in her memories.

“I mean I’m not like- we.  Alex and I….”

Kelley looked at her mom.

And for once in Kelley’s life, her mom looked like she was listening.

“Mom. Alex and I…”

 

::

 

Christen watched as Tobin’s right hand moved the paintbrush across the huge canvas. Her movements seemed random. But They carried a weight of purpose in every little flick and swish.

It was a little mesmerizing to see someone in their element.

Christen didn’t believe in god or god given talent, but she did think that people had a proclivity to something from the day they entered this world. Some were lucky and they were a natural at everything. Some were not. Christen was glad she had a sport, but in watching Tobin zone out and create something with her bare hands seemed a lot more sophisticated.

She truly believed the phrase, “it’s not a science, it’s an art” when she watched this woman indulge in the craft that she had found to identify with in her life.

Tobin didn’t mind that Christen hung out with her in her studio, citing that it was no big deal that Christen went bipolar on her in making plans and then cancelling them, only to make them again.

“Are you sure you don’t mind me being here?” She asked hesitantly when she realized that the address sent wasn’t to her house.

She hesitated when she showed up at a warehouse looking structure.

“Got plenty of room.” Tobin said with her smirk when she pointed at the big open space. There were canvases, there was tarp, there were paints everywhere. It’s was an artist’s space.

Christen just sat on the couch that was laid out in the middle of this space and she watched the back of Tobon as she worked.

“You know what, I’m gonna switch gears.” Tobin said when it had been thirty minutes or so since Christen arrival.

“You wanna watch?”

“Sure.” Christen said with a chuckle. Tobin was her own person. She lived in her own world. And she knew that regardless if Christen was going to watch, Tobin was going to do whatever she wanted. And it was usually something amazing according to some of the stories she told.

“So what happened with Miss Kelley today?” Tobin asked while she painted.

“She pissed me off.”

“Ah.” Tobin was catching on really quickly to the true nature of Christen and Kelley’s relationship. It was not one that involved many consecutive days with no arguments.

“What did she do?” Tobin asked when she momentarily paused on her painting that Christen still couldn’t figure out what the end product was.

“Well for one, she made me cancel my plans with you.” Christen reiterated.

“No she didn’t.” Tobin said with a playful eye roll. “YOU cancelled your plans with me.”

“Whatever.” Christen rolled her eyes.

Tobin smiled.

“Anyways,  SHE made me cancel my plans with you so that I could spend a day with her and then come to find out she made plans with Alex that she knew I wouldn’t approve of.”

“Because if the animals?”

“Because of the animals AND the fact that she would be on her feet all day!”

Tobin giggled.

“And she chose the opportune time to tell me she had made a change of plans in front of her mom and sister so that I wouldn’t fight with her.” Christen added.

“Okay okay okay.” Tobin said.

“So Kelley’s a dick.” Tobin observed.

Christen nodded.

“But you choose to take care of her?”

She nodded again.

“And You’ve Been like this Since like the inception of your relationship?”

“Yep.”

“So why fight?” Tobin cleaned out her brush in the murky paint water while she existed for Christen’s response.

“Because she’s wrong.” Christen said after some thought.

Tobin looked like she wasn’t satisfied with her response as she continued her painting.

“So she’s wrong all the time and you’re right?”

“No…” Christen said slowly.

She explained Kelley’s behavior away while Tobin just listened and painted.

“And she’s such a fucking child sometimes! She throws her vision of hissy fits like all the time! And whenever she gets in her weird place, she just the worst.”

Tobin nodded her head along.

“What? It looks like you have something to say.” Christen said with amusement. “Are you going to tell me that I’m wrong?”

Tobin chuckled. “I don’t know what’s right or wrong for you two. Only you guys will know that. Sounds complicating.”

“I swear I’m not a psycho with baggage.” Christen said, hopefully it would get a laugh out of her new friend.

Tobin smiled at her again.

“I don’t think you’re a psycho.” She said softly. “Thanks for telling me. It’s not something you had to tell me, but it makes this painting a little better.”

“What do you mean? How so?” Christen asked when she got off the couch and stood behind Tobin so that she could give the creation a better look. Christen was starting to see what it was.

Tobin turned around to face her.

“See. I knew your eyes were green!” Tobin said with triumph when she dipped her brush into the blob of green paint.

Christen stood behind her friend while Tobin continued to work on it. With every minute that passed, she could see the finer details in this impromptu portrait that’s Tobin had brought on her plate.

Christen sort of felt honored. And guilty that she had been blabbing about her and Kelley’s problems this whole time that this person was doing something amazing for her. Because regardless if this portrait was for Christen or just for Tobins collection, the details and the sun of its parts were painting a very interesting picture.

“How are you painting this like so fucking good when you’re not even looking at me? Isn’t that how it usually goes? I model while you paint?”

“I’d never forget what a beautiful girl looks like.” Tobin said when she continued to paint. It didn’t seem like it was a joke, or that she was expecting a response. It seemed like Tobin just said it because she meant it.

“Thanks.” Christen said quietly.

“You’re welcome.”

Christen felt a little more at ease and relaxed while she sauntered around the big warehouse to look at all of Tobin’s creations. There were sculptures, there was weird looking furniture that looked like it was built with two hands, and there were many paintings. She wanted to get lost in Tobin’s mind that was on display amongst all of these things.

She didn’t realize that she had spent close to an hour just perusing through Tobin’s museum until the woman came to fetch her so that she could see the final product.

Christen was floored by its beautiful and precise attention to details.

“So, what happened with you and Kelley?” Tobin asked. This time though, she wasn’t holding a brush in her hand. She had 100% of her attention on Christen.

“I know that you guys were together in college and then became good friends, but what happened?”

Christen sighed. She really didn’t want to spend more time digging up the artifacts of something that should just stay buried.

“Do you really want to hear me gripe about Kelley? Because I really just want to kiss you for making this beautiful thing.” Christen inquired.

Tobin smiled again. She was really good at doing that. It was another charming thing about her.

“Well.” Tobin turned to look at the painting.

“This is how I see you right now.” She stared when she signaled to the painting. “What do you think about it?

Christen looked at it. She thought it was beautiful. She didn’t know much about art and it’s elements and styles and all of that, but she knew that this was a frighteningly realistic painting of her that took an impressive amount of time to make.

“Do you seem sad in the painting?” Tobin asked while she stood by her and observed the painting, too.

Now that Tobin had pointed it out, painting Christen looked very sad. Or maybe mad. Or…Christen didn’t know how to explain the emotion on this woman in the paintings face.

“I don’t know how you would describe that.” Christen said thoughtfully.

“The reason I ask about Kelley and what happened to the two of you is because this is what you look like to me anytime Kelley gets brought up.”

Christen gulped. She was embarrassed.

“I’m so sorry-“

“No! Don’t be! Don’t ever apologize to me for letting me know who you are.” Tobin said softly.

In that moment, it reaffirmed for Christen that Tobin was definitely a person that she wanted to keep in her life from now on. This was someone she quickly was wanting to be next to, even when they weren’t in bed.

She didn’t know how to respond to these kind words and this beautiful picture and insight to what people saw in her.

“what would you call that expression? Because it’s on your face a lot so I figured you’d know what you would call it.” Tobin explained.

She sat with her thoughts. She looked at the painting. She dissected the lines in her face and tried to calculate the amount of worry that they carried.

“I don’t know.” Christen said when she gave up. She shrugged as she looked at herself on this canvas .

“What do you think it looks like?”She asked curiously.

She only turned to look at Tobin when she realized that she had yet to respond to her question.

Tobin started massaging her left hand as she thought carefully about her words.

“It looks like heartbreak.”

 

 

##


	6. Emotionally Inarticulate

 

//

 

Christen couldn’t even remember the route she took on the drive back to Kelley’s house. She’s made the trip many times, so she was on auto pilot controlled by some part of her brain.

She knew that it was already dark outside. But she didn’t know how many lights she had stopped at or ran through, and she didn’t know how long she was actually on the road. Christen’s mind was somewhere else.

She was still stuck somewhere in her head, thinking about Tobin’s words.

Christen’s never had someone tell her that her heartbreak was on her sleeve. Quite frankly, she didn’t know she was carrying around any heartbreak (other than the hurt of her career). Christen wanted to believe that Tobin was a bullshitter, and that here was a person who just liked to make assumptions about people they didn’t know.

But if that were true, Christen wouldn’t be so stuck in her head on the ride home.

Because once Tobin explained that her heart was not whole, or that she was a damaged good, it affected Christen instantly. She wanted to resist something that was finally bubbling to the surface, unleashed by the innocent observations of an artist, someone who saw things differently.

Or maybe just saw things for what they actually were.

By the time she had pulled up to the O’Hara residence, she was six feet under in the depths of her mind, realizing that she may never get out of this hole that heartache made in her heart.

Christen turned the engine off and she sighed when she saw Kelley out in the porch, waiting for her.

She realized that this basically summed up her relationship with Kelley. She would arrive back home from running away from the things Kelley did or could do, just to see Kelley asking for another chance.

_How long have we been doing this? How long has she put me through this? How long…have I put her through this?_

Christen didn’t outwardly acknowledge Kelley’s presence until she grabbed Christen’s hand to stop her from going inside the house without her. Christen didn’t speak, and Kelley didn’t speak. Neither of them did when Christen led the way in the house, Kelley clinging onto her. This was how it always happened. The reconciliation process always started the same.

Christen didn’t slow down until she remembered that Kelley was limping.

“I didn’t go to the zoo today.” Kelley said when Christen finally turned to look at her to see if Kelley wasn’t struggling too much. Christen met her best friend’s eyes.

She didn’t respond.

“I just spent a few hours with Alex and then I came back here.” Kelley said quietly.

“Okay.” Christen said.

“I’m sorry.” Kelley said softly. She pulled Christen closer to her.

Christen wanted her to explain what she was sorry about and to what degree she was remorseful of her actions. She wanted to unleash on Kelley the wrath and frustrations that came with the hardship it was to sacrifice for her best friend. From day one to forever. She wanted to proclaim all that she was feeling and all that was repressed, recently revealed by Tobin’s work of art.

But she didn’t.

Christen was staring at her best friend who was fumbling with Christen’s fingers out of apprehension, becoming very self conscious of the nakedness of her heart.

“I thought about you all day.” Kelley said quietly, avoiding Christen’s eyes, intent on fumbling with the hand of the first girl she’s ever held hands with in her life.

“I wanted you to come back.”

Christen gulped down the frog that was forming in her throat.

Back when they were kids and they first became a thing, it didn’t take long to realize that Kelley was an emotionally inarticulate human being when she was in her cloud as evidenced by their college breakup and their serious falling out.

Christen remembered when she learned that Christen was the first person that has ever held Kelley’s hand. It was a fact revealed to her by Kelley’s mom, one that she had found surprising back in the day because she had nonchalantly grabbed Kelley’s hand the first night they kissed, not knowing that to Kelley that was the most intimate thing of the night. Kelley never said anything,

As time had gone on, college Christen recognized the natural way Kelley would sit a few inches from her on the couch, and Kelley would have to ease into snuggling with her girlfriend (at the time). As the weeks gone by, the inches in between them when they sat down were dwindling. And then eventually there were never inches in between them.

And that’s the thing about Kelley that Christen loved. The fact that she opened up for her was the endearing fact of their relationship. Kelley liked to act tough on the field and off, and she seemed like this force of nature that could never be knocked down, but she was a big softie for Christen and Christen only. If she were to ever need help, she would only let Christen help her.

“I don’t usually tell people to come back. I don’t- I didn’t know how to express that it’s what I wanted. So sorry if I was awkward about it.” College Kelley had said quietly when she was holding Christen’s hand underneath the table with all of Christen’s textbook on them. It had been their first reconciliation after their first fight.

“I know.” College Christen replied to the vulnerable words of the girl she had been holding hands with for weeks. “That’s how I know you mean it.”

So as present day Christen stood in Kelley’s house looking at Kelley fumble with her fingers now, listening to Kelley tell her that she wanted her to come back, she knew that Kelley meant it.

“I’m. I was- I was trying to hurt you. And that’s because I’m stupid. And I’m sorry.”

Christen felt a little overwhelmed by facts discovered and the offering of Kelley as the person she really was, put on the plate for her to consume right now. There were flashes of Kelley’s repressed ability to express her emotions in a productive manner, but it usually came at the worst times. And it came when Christen was usually too tired of badgering Kelley to be an adult and use her words.

But right now, it was Christen that didn’t know how to use her words right now. It was her that was emotionally inarticulate.

“I really missed you today. So did my mom.” Kelley said with a shrug.

Christen sighed at the remembrance of the obligations it came with being Kelley’s best friend right now. She forgot about the relationship she had to try to have with Kelley for show for her family, because she was drowning from figuring out how to mend the actual relationship she had with Kelley.

“It’s getting late.” Christen finally said. “You need to get a good nights rest. It’s going to be a big day tomorrow.

Kelley let go of her hand and then nodded, still not lifting her head.

“I’ll wake you up in the morning. Okay?”

“Okay.” Kelley said.

Christen trailed her best friend as they both walked up the stairs, Kelley at a slower pace because of her temporary disability.

They weren’t holding hands.

“Ill be next door if you need me.” She heard Kelley say behind her when Christen had made way to the guest room. She turned around to see the devastation on her friend’s face when she realized that Christen was not going to Kelley’s room.

“Okay.” Christen said. She got one more look before she stepped into the guest room and gently closed the door behind her. She laid the back of her head on the door when she looked around at the very clean room.

She recalled that it wasn’t this clean when she had left the house. She saw an old dresser by the window that wasn’t there before. Christen made her way over to it.

She let her shoulders drop at the sight of all of her clothes neatly tucked into its drawers. Christen turned around to look at the sheets of the bed that were smoothed our and the blanket that was  folded on top of it.

When Christen sat on the bed and looked at the folding job of the blanket, she could tell that it was a good attempt, but it wasn’t folded precisely.

It must have been Kelley who cleaned this room.

There was a knock on the door.

“Hey- Um.” Christen looked up to see Kelley peaking her head into the room.

“I got a new tube of toothpaste. We were running out.” Kelley said.

Christen nodded.

“It’s uh- it’s on the sink.”

“Thanks.”

Kelley closed the door, looking defeated.

Christen decided to peel off her clothes so that she could live in a new layer that she could start over in. Today had been a mentally taxing day, and she didn’t want to wear her exhaustion by the time she got into bed. She wouldn’t be able to carry it with her into the next day.

She changed into something comfortable, and she went out into the hallway and into the bathroom to brush her teeth. She smiled to see that Kelley wasn’t lying, she did get a new tube of toothpaste.

As Christen brushed and the toothpaste started spilling out of her mouth, she looked into the mirror to see the image of Kelley’s bedroom door open, and inside she could see Kelley plugging her phone in. By the time Christen had washed her mouth out, Kelley was taking off the brace to let her ankle breath.

On the way to the guest room, she saw in her peripherals, that Kelley had looked up to watch her when she passed the entryway. Christen didn’t see the expression on her face, but she knew that Kelley was begging her for forgiveness.

But this impasse and this struggle to figure out how to deal with the realization of how much Kelley was a part of her identity, was exhausting. She only stopped on her way to the bed with the blanket over her head and her eyes shut, when she flipped the switch.

It was lights out.

 

:

 

Her eyelids were drooping. Christen was sprawled out on this twin bed, relaxed from the amount of room she had to sleep (she was surprised at how she was getting used to this small bed).

The house was quiet except of the sound of the fan whirling, making for a lullaby that was helping her fall asleep, helping her take a break from the anguish.

She was laying on her back and her arms were sprawled out, her palms facing the ceiling. She was ready to be taken by the night. Ready to submit to the slumber.

Until she saw her door open slowly.

Christen didn’t have much energy, so she didn’t move, and she let her mind rest at the sight of Kelley silently tip toeing over to her. Christen was still awake enough to register the movement of the bed when Kelley sat down next to her.

“Christen?”

She couldn’t speak because she was still in purgatory in between awake and asleep. But she moved her arm closer to the sitting figure to signal the small amount of consciousness she had left.

“Can I stay with you?”

Christen didn’t know how long she took to muster a response. Even in purgatory she had a conscience of her decisions, and her sleepy mind was thinking at a slower rate, but it was thinking. She didn’t know how long Kelley sat there, waiting for rejection.

Christen eventually coerced her body to roll over on her side, signaling that she would accommodate the request.

She felt Kelley make the mattress vibrate from her movements when she made herself comfortable underneath the blanket, and then scooted closer so that she could hold onto the only other form of life on this bed.

Christen didn’t register much after she felt Kelley’s arm around her, bringing her body closer.

But she did fleetingly think about the other person she had laid in bed with earlier that day, before she finally went to sleep.

 

::

 

_“I don’t want to be heartbroken.”_

_Christen looked at Tobin, hoping for her to take back her words._

_“Then don’t be.” The woman said, before she stopped rubbing her hands._

_She looked back at the painting. It was better than a mirror in portraying who Christen really was in this world. She thought that she had kept it under wraps. Actually, she didn’t know that she was ruined._

_She didn’t know until now._

_“I’m sorry if it-“_

_“No. It’s not…” Christen didn’t know how to verbalize the emotion. “It’s not something to be sorry about.”_

_“Heartbreak isn’t fleeting.” She heard Tobin say behind her._

_“Sometimes its incurable.”_

_Christen turned around to see Tobin popping some pill from an orange bottle that was laying on a table with all these cans of outdoor paint. She watched as the woman washed it down with a swig of the beer from a bottle that was on the table too._

_“You wanna talk?” Tobin asked._

_Christen thought about it. There were so many questions in her hand._

_“H-How did- do I really look like that?”_

_Tobin nodded._

_“I didn’t know that I was such a sad person.” Christen said honestly._

_“Oh. I didn’t say you were a sad person.” Tobin said with a furrowed brow._

_“Look at her.” Christen said when she pointed back at the painting._

_“I am.” Tobin said softly, a small smile forming on her lips when she didn’t remove her gaze from Christen’s face._

_“Can everyone see this on my face?” She asked. She begged for the truth. Because she’s never been dealt truth like this before in her life. She felt exposed for the first time. Well more like Adam and Eve, when they realized that they had been exposed the whole time._

_“I don’t know about everyone else.” Tobin admitted when she took another sip from her bottle._

_“But Yes. I can see it. You can’t hide how much Kelley means to you.”_

_Christen hung her head. She hasn’t said those very own words to herself since college._

_“I…”_

_She didn’t want to be identified as someone living with heartbreak._

_She didn’t want to admit that maybe that’s really all she was._

_“If you don’t want to be heartbroken, then stop carrying it by yourself.” Tobin said softly. “It looks like you’re pretty tired from carrying that heavy load.”_

_Christen didn’t know (obviously) how to get rid of it._

_“So tell me, what happened between you and Kelley?”_

_Christen didn’t think that talking about her heartache would help. Digging up loved ones that were buried would never bring them back. Bringing up the one and only time she’s been hurt, to her, would never convince her to heal._

_“What you’ve been doing, by the way. Refusing to deal with it, and refusing to talk about it, well it’s not working.” Tobin said with a raised eyebrow._

_It’s like Tobin could hear the dialogue in her brain._

_“Gotta be insane if you think that doing the same thing over and over again, is gonna get you different results. “_

_:_

_“I don’t understand. Wasn’t she like the one that kept like expressing  Interest in you?”_

_“Yes.”_

_“So then-“_

_“I don’t know, I think it was just because it was the cocky part of her. Her ego. It was still just a front of some sorts all those times she visited me.” Christen explained._

_“Okay.” Tobin nodded._

_“It’s like she has to put on a character for her to admit these things, or these parts of her that she keeps guarded. Like…well let’s take just that example. She had to create a charade that was silly and outlandish, and she had to set up this ridiculous and comical banter of coming to see my everyday, so that if I did reject her, she could say that it was all just that…a charade.”_

_Tobin took in the information. “Wow. You’ve thought about this a lot.”_

_“Look. It’s- sometimes Kelley goes all the way, like too far away from how she really feels, because she doesn’t want anyone to be able to hurt her. She carries her hurt with her everywhere she goes.  So She’s got this tough exterior that protects this really fucking fragile person inside.”_

_“How’d you come to know all of this?” Tobin asked._

_“I’ve spent the last few years trying to break that exterior.” Christen admitted. “But I’ve seen I’ve seen the fragile person she’s trying to protect.”_

_“What does that look like?”_

_Christen sighed._

_“It looks like…a person who will yell and scream at everyone on the field and take out anyone in there way, but also collapse into tears at the touch of a hug..” Christen said with a shrug._

_“I mean our first date. Our first kiss. I think a couple of days after she had realized just how much of her heart she had exposed, she grew a little scared. Like she didn’t want to get too used to being kissed by someone who she wasn’t going to see after a one night stand. It took me some weeks to understand._

_“I had heard that she had slept with a lot of people her freshman year. So when I saw how…scared and vulnerable she was the first time we slept together, I was surprised. To everyone, Kelley can be the life of the party, or a loud mouthed baby when she doesn’t get her way- which usually helps her get her way, but I’ve seen her behind doors._

_“She’s soft. And she’s sweet. And all she wants to do is hold your hand. And for someone to teach her to be affectionate. And she is capable of letting you in. But she had been burned before by this girl she loved in high school, so whenever she let me in, she’s pushed me right back out. I did the same thing to her, too. And I had to wait for her to let me back in. Come back from her cloud- that’s what I would say to her.”_

_“How long were you guys together?” Tobin asked when she ventured to the kitchen in this big warehouse to get the both of them a beer._

_“I don’t know…maybe like a year.”_

_Tobin chuckled when she came back with the bottle for Christen to take._

_“A year? One year created that?” Tobin asked when she pointed at her painting._

_“I mean… yeah we’ve only been in a relationship for a year. And then we didn’t talk for like another year, and then we became friends again when I went back to the soccer team and she became a temp assistant coach..”  Christen explained._

_“Why did it take another year for you guys to talk to each other?”_

_Christen drank half the bottle before she spoke again. She wanted to not feel those feelings again._

_“I guess, one day she had just pushed me out too far.” She said when she looked down into the contents of her bottle._

_“And before we broke up she had been practically pushing me out the door and well…I just didn’t come back. For a year.”_

_“So- how did you guys reconcile? Like did she say she was sorry?” Tobin inquired._

_Christen laughed._

_“That year I spent without the team. Half of that year was Kelley coming around everyday to tell me she was sorry. I had like switched jobs and I worked at the coffee shop I really loved on campus, and she would come around so many times that my manager had to ban her.”_

_“ what- Did She heckle you at work?”_

_Christen thought on it._

_“I mean she definitely didn’t listen to me when I told her to stop showing up. She eventually did stop coming up to me, but when my manager wasn’t working that day, Kelley would sometimes come in for a coffee on the way to class.”_

_“Apparently Kelley didn’t understand that no means no.” Tobin said with a pained grimace._

_“I think when she got banned, she had realized. She would still text me every once in awhile, or give me sad puppy dog eyes from across the room at like a party or something. I guess… oh yeah, a handful of times she would hang out outside my apartment after she had practice and wait for me to show up.”_

_Christen could see the disturbed look on Tobin’s face._

_“Yes. In hindsight, Kelley pretty much stalked me.” Christen said with a nod. Tobin chuckled._

_“But usually when she came around after that ban, she would see me shake my head at her to warn her and she would abandon any attempt that day. At least any that I knew of.”_

_Tobin nodded in understanding. “So when did you guys make up? HOW did you guys makeup?”_

_Christen could feel the sorrow of the regret she carried with her ever since her sophomore year of college._

_“Well I just missed soccer too much.” Christen admitted._

_“And I missed Kelley.” She shrugged._

_“And I didn’t see her for a whole summer when I went back home and when I talked to the coach, I felt like I had finally dealt with it, and I could make it work so that I could have both soccer and Kelley in my life.”_

_Tobin took a gulp from her bottle. She swigged it all down._

_“So then bam- you guys were the best of friends again? Just like that?”_

_“No.” Christen said when she stood up from her position on the couch, and then got back on it so that she was curled up into Tobin’s chest, with her arms encasing her._

_“It was hard. For the both of us. But we made it work.”_

_Christen felt rather grateful that she was allowed a chance to tell someone all of this. Even if this person didn’t give two cents about the words Christen spoke, the opportunity to talk about it felt strangely cathartic._

_“Thank you. For letting me talk you head off.” Christen whispered._

_Tobin’s laughter was her way of saying you’re welcome._

_“You know, I heard the conversation you had with her that night I first met you.” Tobin said._

_Christen looked at her in question._

_“You know when she was asking you if you were gonna go home with her and Alex or if you were gonna go out with Sam and me.”_

_Christen nodded._

_“You ever think that since you guys decided to be just friends, that when it comes to you and Kelley, that the roles have reversed?” Tobin asked when she looked down at the woman she was holding._

_“What do you mean?”_

_“You don’t ever let Kelley tell you what she really wants to tell you. All that she didn’t tell you when you were together. Why is that? Cuz you wouldn’t know how to respond?”_

_Christen furrowed her brow because she didn’t understand_ _._

_“When you guys were broken up, she was this heartbroken girl that didn’t know what boundaries were and how to appropriately express herself?”_

_Another nod._

_“You think that now, maybe you’re the emotionally inarticulate one walking around with a broken heart from a girl that you used to love?”_

_::_

“You’ve got pretty curly hair.”

Christen smiled when she saw drugged out Kelley touch and feel her locks.

“Thank you Kelley.” Christen said quietly when she sat with her in the backseat. Christen readjusted the position of Kelley’s leg that was laying across her lap, heavy with a bright cast on her Lower leg.

“It’s soft. You’re soft.”

Christen chuckled. High Kelley was funny. She started rambling about a chicken running on a field, and Kelley’s dream that was telling her to catch that chicken. Christen didn’t listen too intently to her tale, but she made sure that Kelley was secure on the seat from her seatbelt. She was sitting really weird because of her drunken insistence that she elevate her ankle on Christen’s lap.

Towards the tail end of her story, it looked like Kelley was going to fall back asleep. She eventually nodded off and drifted in and out of sleep while Karen drove them home.

Kelley had been woken up when they went over a speed bump less than a mile from her house.

“Where am I?” Kelley muttered, without opening her eyes.

“You’re okay. You’re with me.” Christen hushed her to sleep.

But one of Kelley’s eyes opened slowly.

“Christen.”

Kelley smiled sleepily. Her eye closed back up again.

“You’re pretty.” Kelley mumbled before she drifted back to sleep.

Christen watched to see if her best friend would wake again. When she realized that she had fallen all the way back asleep, Christen shook her head and she met the eyes of Karen that were staring back at her in the rear view mirror.

“That’s all I’m good for to her.” Christen joked.

It earned her a smile.

When they had gotten back to the house, Sam had found it pretty amusing that they had gotten a wheelchair to cart Kelley from the car to the couch.

“That’s pretty dramatic don’t you think?” Sam asked as she stood by and watched Karen and Christen get Kelley’s sleepy body into the wheelchair.

“You know what, you take her.” Christen suggested.

“Nah I’m good.”

Kelley came in and out of consciousness. She were to sleep all the drugs in her system off, but Sam and Christen both hung around just so that if Kelley woke, she would have someone. Her mom had taken a second trip out to get all of the prescribed medicines that the doctor had ordered.

“You’re a really good friend for wasting your day just to make sure she’s okay.” Christen observed. They were both sitting on different couches in the living room than Kelley.

“Actually, this was a really good excuse to getting out of work. So…”

Christen smirked.

“Yeah. Well really, I’m always here to help. Kelley and I were pretty good buds back in the day so.” Sam shrugged.

“Ah. I actually didn’t know that.” Christen said with a raised brow.

“Yeah well, I don’t think Kell had a bad time in high school, I just think that she hates coming back here. So I’m sure she forgot all about the people here.” Sam assumed.

Christen nodded. She didn’t know, but it would make sense, knowing Kelley’s personality.

“My guess is it’s because of her mom.” Sam said with a smirk.

Christen rolled her eyes. “She’s so rude to her mom.”

“Yeah. Why is that??” Sam inquired.

Christen looked down at the sleeping figure of her best friend to make sure she was still passed out.

“Shell never admit it, but at the bottom of it all, she’s a mommas girl.”

“What?” Sam asked, thoroughly confused.

“She is. All she wants is her mom’s approval. I think because she’s a middle child, Kelley always feels like she’s never given attention to.” Christen explained.

“What….but like…huh?” Sam responded.

“When they were kids, Kelley said she always felt like she had to fight Erin and Jerry for her moms attention so I guess…she still feels that way. I think she likes to act like she doesn’t need Karen’s approval, but oh my god, you should see her when Karen says she done something good.”

“Like when?? Kelley always says her mom is annoying. They’re always fighting!.”

“She does. But that’s just her defense mechanism. She’s a little softie that’s the happiest woman on earth when Karen tells her that she had a good game.” Christen said.

“Kelley’s just a brat.” Christen said with a smile. “She likes to pretend she doesn’t need her mom when Karen disapproves of something.”

“Serious mommy issues.”

They both agreed.

“But Kelley really loves her mom.” Christen said when she got up from her spot and sat down next to the laying figure of her best friend and ran her fingers through her bun.

“And Karen’s the exact same.” Christen said when she gave Sam an exasperated expression.

“She expresses her love in a way that it comes out the exact opposite of what she intended.”

They both chuckled.

“You know, from what I remember, Mrs. O’Hara didn’t really fall in love with Alex when they were kids.” Sam said. “Does that mean she actually really liked her?”

Christen chuckled. But she found that bit of information to be surprising. The woman seemed more than cordial when Alex had been over at the house.

She didn’t know why that news made her really think. From day one, Mrs. O’Hara had been more than nice to her. When they met for the first time, three months into her and Kelley’s relationship, Karen had been so loving.

So now as she was sitting here and thinking about the assessment she made on the woman, she wondered if Mrs. O’Hara really was genuine back in the day.

But for now she would stick a fork in it.

“So would it be cool if Alex shows up?” Sam asked when she looked up from her phone.

“Why wouldn’t it be?” Christen responded when she laid out a blanket over Kelley, who looked deep in her sleep.

“You think Karen would be okay with it?”

 

::

 

“So how are you and and Ms. Heath?” Alex asked with a smile when she put down her second beer of the night down by her chair. They were all sitting around in the backyard, hoping to give Kelley some space to sleep.

“Oooo Yes. How is the beautiful couple?” Nikki asked with excitement.

“They’re not a couple. Right?” Sam asked.

“What are we guys? In the fifth grade?” Christen asked with a chuckle. “But were good.”

“Aww. Look at that smile! What a genuine smile!” Nikki said when she grabbed Christen’s chin with her hand affectionately.

“She’s like a really good artist.” Alex said with a nod.

“Yeah. And hot.” Nikki added.  Christen agreed. Everyone did.

“Well I mean I just met her. But she’s really nice. And sweet. And intense.” Christen stated. “I didn’t know she was an artist until like last night.”

Sam recalled all the times in high school that Tobin had been that artsy kid. She was in advanced art that nobody in the group even know existed in high school. Her pieces were hung in the walls somewhere in the school, and she had such strong ties to this town that there was a scholarship for high school seniors that wanted to major in art in college, that she sponsors every year for the last ten years.

“Oh you didn’t know? Yeah she’s filthy rich.” Sam said.

“Really?”

Another fact that surprised her. Christen knew that Tobin’s “warehouse” looked the opposite of a shack. In fact, it was actually a very expensive looking place. But, she didn’t know that it meant Tobin was filthy rich.

“Oh yeah. Tobin’s a trust fund baby.” Sam said delightfully.

“Comes from old money.” Nikki said with a nod. 

“That warehouse is pretty cool. Remember the New Years party she threw two years ago?!” Nikki recalled.

“Oh yeah. Tobin’s place is pretty sweet.” Alex commented.

Parties, wealth, trust fund. It just didn’t fit the person Tobin seemed to be. How does a person with so much money and privilege seem so genuine and down to earth? It’s not that it’s impossible, it just wasn’t  the norm in Christen’s experience. Lots of kids in Palos Verdes back home were the most disingenuous lot she’s ever met. Tobin didn’t fit the description.

“That warehouse is like her only place right?” Nikki asked.

“I think so.” Sam stated.

“Anyways. Sucks bout that hand of hers.”  Alex stated when she picked her beer back up again. Both Nikki and Sam agreed.

“Imagine how good her shit would be if both her hands worked all the time.”

Christen didn’t participate much in the conversation. She had seen the way Tobin usually painted with her right hand, yet sometimes when she sketched with her pencil, she would use her left. Christen couldn’t recall which hand Tobin was dominant in now that she thought about it, but she did remember noticing that Tobin was always massaging her left hand with her right.

The fact that Tobin’s old classmates knew that there was something going on with her hand, meant that this was something Christen would liked to hear from the woman herself.

She couldn’t imagine what it would be like if she only had one hand at 100%. Especially for an artist. Yes, it seemed like this was a conversation she wanted to have with Tobin. So she tuned the rest of the conversation out and sipped on her beer.

 

::

 

She was surprised to see the couch empty. The blanket she had draped over Kelley’s body early was folded neatly.

“I helped her upstairs. She woke up.” Erin said from her spot on the couch.

“Was she okay?” Christen asked. She wiped her wet hands on her shorts from the hand wash she had when she came from the bathroom.

“She was a little grumpy. But that’s kell for you.” Erin said with a shrug. Christen headed upstairs.

Christen pushed the door of Kelley’s room slowly and took a peak inside. She could see Kelley curled up into a ball, the comforter wrapped around her tightly. Christen sat down next to her on the bed.

“You did good.” She whispered soothingly to her best friend.

Kelley stirred a little. But only a little.

“Your cast is bright green. It’s pretty at least.” Christen said. She ran her hands down Kelley’s arms. “You’re only going to have it for a Short amount of time.”

Again, Kelley stirred a little. This time, her eyelids fluttered a small amount. Christen waited in anticipation that Kelley night wake again, but it didn’t come.

She leaned down to give her best friend a kiss on the cheek, and a small pat to the head before she got up so that maybe Kelley could  rest.

“She talks about you all the time.”

Christen recognized Alex’s voice from behind her.

“Ditto.” Christen said. She turned around and gave Alex a really bright smile. She watched as the woman came and sat down on the other side of Kelley’s sleeping figure.

“She’s been really happy to run into you again.” Christen said softly.

 “She’s almost kind of giddy whenever I ask about you.”

Alex smiled to herself and exactly as Christen did earlier, she rubbed Kelley’s arms in appreciation of Kelley’s behavior.

“Seems like you’re the girl that got away.”

Alex chuckled.

“I don’t see it that way.” She said with a raised eyebrow.

“No?”

“No.” Alex said. “At least to me, Kelley was the girl that got away. Not me. I’ve been here the whole time. Same spot.”

“Tell me. What happened?.” Christen ordered softly.

Alex talked about the friendship. It had begun instantly. From the instant Kelley walked over to her in their driveway to ask her and Jeri if she wanted to play with Erin and her in a game of four square, it was love at first sight. They were too young to know it, but to Alex, after much retrospection, that’s what it was.

“She didn’t really ask us though, she more like told us that we were allowed to play with her and that we should feel honored.” Alex said with an eye roll.

“It took Jeri a long time before she even tolerated Kelley and her cocky attitude. Even when we were in middle school, Jeri felt like Kelley was a bully. Even though she was younger than her.”

Christen laughed.

“But even on that first day, I knew that Kelley was all bark, no bite. She was a closeted sweetheart.”

Christen agreed. It was a really accurate statement.

“I remember that Erin and Kelley started waiting for us so that we could all walk to school together. I mean, it was more Kelley and me walked, while our crappy sisters jogged blocks ahead of us because they didn’t want to be seen with girls going to the elementary school.

“But ya know, I didn’t appreciate this until high school, but Kelley would always walk in the street, while I walked on the sidewalk. Isn’t that such a small knight in shining armor kind of thing??”

They both laughed. And they both agreed. Even eight year old Kelley was a natural gentleman.

“I was so in love with her.” Alex said quietly. She turned her gaze back to the girl in between them, who started snoring. She was looking at Kelley in a way that made Christen really really like Alex. Her stare, the way she looked at Kelley, looked like it was filled with a wonder of someone so hopeful for something Christen already had.

“I just never told her.” Alex said with a nod to solemnly  acknowledge her mistakes.

“She never told you?” Christen asked curiously.

“She did. I mean she literally told me I think her junior year of college maybe…? But when we were kids, she told me she loved me in every was possible that didn’t involve words.” Alex said sadly.

“Ah.” Christen scratched her head. “What…what happened her junior year of college?”

Alex shrugged. “I hadn’t seen her in a long time. And you know, I don’t think Karen was my biggest fan ever- not that she was mean. But for some reason I always didn’t feel- I felt like there was something there. Anyways-  the only way I know Karen liked me was that she paid for a flight For Kelley to come back and visit me when my parents died.”

“Oh…” Christen gulped. She wanted to get her apology out. She didn’t know that she had led Alex down that path in this conversation. She remembered that Kelley had mentioned that Alex had lost her parents in the recent time. It was unintentional on Christen’s part.

“But anyways. I was too fucked up to really take her admission with a sane mind. And i don’t know I just didn’t understand how she could still love me when she-“ Alex pivoted.

 “I was just way too bent out of shape about my parents to believe she loved me maybe in a way I didn’t want her to. That probably doesn’t make sense. But I- Especially since we didn’t leave things good when she left for California.”

It was understandable. Christen wanted to know how Alex got to keep the house from her now deceased parents, and how close she was to them, and how she was able to survive, but she didn’t push it. She didn’t know if her and Alex were that close. But she wanted to reach out and show her some empathy.

“Well. I’m sorry.” Christen said gently.

“Don’t be.” Alex offered. That’s all she said in response to that. It seemed like Alex had already dealt with the brunt of the pain in the past, and now it was just all residual.

“So…” she wanted to change the direction of the conversation, “did you and Kelley pick your friendship back up again? After she visited you?”

“Absolutely not.” Alex said when she swept some hairs from Kelley’s face.

“She visited me I think for a week but i got very closed off. And then she just said she was really sorry and I cut off all communication with her.” Alex said.

“Her junior year?” Christen asked.

She didn’t remember Kelley ever mentioning that she was visiting a friend back home that lost their parents  

“Yeah. I think it was sometime towards the end of the school year. I don’t really remember.” Alex said, it seemed like she was a million miles away.

But Christen’s mind must have been further away than the girl across from her.

Her and Kelly broke up towards the end of the school year during Kelley’s junior year. Kelley had come back from her trip back home as a pit stop on the way home from the U20 World Cup qualifiers, a very different person. She had come back as a real asshole that told Christen to dress up for someone else. Kelley had said that the stress of her playing obligations had contributed to her self deprecation and the insecurity she held, resulting in her lashing out at Christen. But as Christen sat here and stared at Alex, she put the clues together.

Christen’s tortuous and life changing sophomore year, a pivotal year, made so much sense now.

Alex was the reason Christen and Kelley broke up.

 

::

 

It was one of those deep sleeps that when awaken from, made someone feel disoriented and perhaps even more tired that they were when they closed their eyes and they hit the sheets.

Kelley lifted her head.

Her cheek felt cold from the drool, and she felt like she was going to die from heat exhaustion from the soft blanket around her.

But that wasn’t the only thing around.

She needed her eyes to adjust to the darkness. She could see someone with dark hair  curled up into her chest. Kelley rubbed her eyes, before she stretched her arm across the figure of the person laying next to her and checked her phone that she had left on the nightstand in the morning when she left to go to surgery.

The time read as 10:24pm, and Kelley sighed. She needed to go back to sleep so that she would get back on her sleep cycle.

But first, she moved the blanket, and she moved her arm so that she could see who she had been holding all night.

At the sight of Alex’s adorable sleeping face, Kelley’s heart rested easy. She didn’t even know that she was holding onto Alex until she woke up, but that was the feeling she always had with Alex. She didn’t know that she was holding onto this woman her whole life until now.

Kelley resumed her hold around Alex, and let her drugs take her back to an even deeper sleep.

 

::

 

“So why are you crabby?” Tobin inquired.

“I really hope that’s not your way of trivializing my frustrations.” Christen said with a furrowed brow.

“Never. I just like the word crabby.” Tobin said with a smirk.

It was an article that if Crystal Dunn had never sent the link to her, she may have never seen it. And it wouldn’t have become a thing.

But it did.

And Crystal innocently tweeted at her in response to the article to defend her. Which of course, spurred on all the Red Stars to weigh in, and then everybody and their mother had an opinion on Christen’s right to refuse a drafted spot to Houston.

She had gotten the notification when the night had fallen, the O’Haras were all in bed, and it was only her and Sammy still hanging out in the backyard. Alex was upstairs with a sleeping Kelley (she waited until the family was asleep to go up there)and Nikki had work in the early morning so she had left an hour earlier.

The tweet she read maddened her.

Her anger was so consuming that she couldn’t even really explain to Sam what she was so pissed about. EspnW weighed in, former US players weighed in, and the only one that hadn’t responded yet, was herself.

Since the owners of this house were asleep, and Sammy approved of the additional company of Tobin Heath, Christen invited the one person she wanted to talk to.

“They lied!” Christen exclaimed. “I never went to Houston with my agent. Who are they talking about? What are they referring to?? Because quite literally, that’s fake news.”

Tobin chuckled. So did Sammy.

It didn’t help that Christen went further into the rabbit hole and read the continuous feed of the public’s comments about her decision to not attend the Dash’s first practice.

About how ungrateful she was.

About how unprofessional she was.

About how much of a brat she was.

About how she should shut up and be thankful.

And as a woman, she should be used to shutting up and being thankful.

Most of her friend’s stuck up for her, though. Christen really liked Crystal’s comments on her Twitter when she said that as athletes, we all need to think about what makes us happy.

Christen appreciated that. She liked and retweeted it. That’s the only official social media action she would take right now. Because she was livid, and she was on the verge of doing something that she would regret, or post something that she knew she would have to delete later.

“Well fuck them.” Tobin said simply.

Christen snorted.

“Look, you can be a role model for girls too when you stand up and demand what you deserve.”  Tobin said simply.

“Yeah. You got fucked over by that Rory guy. He sounds fucking shady.” Sam said with a nod.

But the reason she was experiencing so much anguish, was that she felt torn in half.

Yes she should stand up for herself and what she feels is what’s best for her. Houston was not going to be her ultimate destination. They had a shaky staff, a lack of sizable support, and a shitty record of caring for the women’s side of the club.

 But, there was the lingering thought that women’s Soccer wasn’t there just yet, and she was still a part of the generation that had to continue the sacrificing to elevate the standards for those to come down this path.

“Fuck that.” Tobin said with a wave of her hand.

“You deserve better. Plain and simple.”

 Christen nodded. She felt like she did, but the weight of the system was making her crack.

_Maybe I really am being selfish. Maybe this isn’t just about me._

_“_ Just pull a Horan. Just go overseas and do the opposite of what everybody’s asking you to do.”

Christen looked at  Tobin, impressed. She had obviously done her woso homework since the first night she met Christen.

“What if it’s the death of my career?” She asked.

“Believe in something. Even if it means sacrificing everything.*”Tobin said with a shrug.

“That was deep bro.” Sam said with a nod.

It’s what Christen needed to hear.

She had to stand her ground. The threat from US Soccer scared her, and the lies from Houston were discrediting her.

“Just go overseas.”

She could do that again. But if she did, it would have to be a move that would have to be done soon. The FIFA window was closing. And she had obligations here in the states.

“I promised Kell I would stay.”Christen said quietly.

The both of them protested.

Kelley would understand. Christen would have to look out for herself too. Every time she had a down time she was in talks with her agent, discussing a topic (her career) that she didn’t let her mind fully immerse herself in. She wasn’t ready to deal with this. Chicago really did her dirty, and now she was the one cast as a brat. A lot of the supporters that had tweeted out support for her during her horrible Olympic experience (she didn’t want to think about it again), were turning on her now.

“That’s such a weird concept. Having fans.” Tobin said thoughtfully.

“They only love you when you’re big.” She added.

Christen nodded. She stayed quiet at the truth of that statement.

“People will hate you no matter what you do.” Sam said with a shrug.

“But Kelley shouldn’t be one of them if you decide to go somewhere for your career.”

Another true statement.

“Speaking of Kell, I’m gonna go say bye and head out children. This was fun.”

Christen gave Sam a hug while she pondered on the options that were presenting themselves to her. It would be a huge and potentially life changing decision if she were to move somewhere else. It was going to be another thing weighing on her mind.

“Whatcha gears spinning about?” Tobin asked. Christen looked up to see this woman in front of her looking at her with a knowing smirk.

“I just get this feeling that it feels sort of inevitable that this is happening to me.” Christen admitted. The look on Tobin’s face spurred Christen to further explain.

“I’m on the edge of the national pool. And I shouldn’t be. I know that much. And I’ve spent a lifetime of humbling myself and putting my nose down and always being the hardest person on myself. I’m well versed in self deprecation.  But I know right now that I don’t deserve to be on the edge of the pool. And I don’t deserve to be threatened because I’m making the best career move for myself.

“And it’s for political reasons. If I was the poster girl for this team, I wouldn’t have been threatened to have a spot taken away just because I wouldn’t be playing in the Nwsl.

“But it all…I don’t know Tobs…feels unfair.”

Christen sighed. She didn’t usually talk about this part of her life. Especially to someone she barely just met.

But those instagram comments, and these people who felt entitled to publish something about her that was an outright lie, made her feel like shit. And on top of it, Tobin’s observation on her emotional inabilities to express herself made her feel very lonely. She needed someone.

She looked up to see Tobin giving her a softly layered smile. Christen was glad to see that someone was listening.

“What?” She asked. Tobin still hadn’t said anything in response.

“Nothing. You’re funny.” Tobin said softly.

“What does that mean?” Christen inquired. She could see the way this woman was trying to hold back some words behind her smile, but Christen was very intrigued to hear what she had to say.

“Just that you’re funny. And I’m sorry you feel that way.” Tobin said gently.

Christen insisted. She wanted to know why she was funny.

“I’m not….” Tobin thought hard about her words. She scooted closer to Christen. “I’m not trivializing your problems. Because everyone’s got them.”

“But…”

“No buts.” Tobin said with a grin. She could tell that a Christen was on the track to getting defensive. “Really, no buts.”

Christen waited.

“I just wanna offer the possibility…that there’s another way to look at it.” Tobin said slowly.

“How So?” Christen asked with narrowed eyes. Tobin stroked her chin in an effort to convey that said that Christen didn’t have to take her two cents.

“Those things are shitty. There’s no doubt. And you have the right to grieve them.” Tobin assured.

“But…?”

“But maybe you can have a change of perspective. These things Chris, they’re not an affliction. Houston isn’t something that you CAN’T fix or change your situation.”

“Easier said than done.” Christen interjected.

“But can be done.” Tobin stressed.

“And-and…”

“And what?”

“And neither is your situation with Kelley.” Tobin said gently.

Christen looked at her. She was torn between the intrigue and the urge to tell Tobin to mind her own business. It was a very strange feeling to be in. She could see that Tobin was telling her, _see I didn’t want to tell you how I really felt, but you asked._

Christen would have to admit that she did ask, but not about the Kelley part. Christen just sighed and shook her head at the woman, a little smile peaking through.

“Look. I don’t usually push my views and opinions on people.” Tobin explained.

“But I said it because those same exact words you said, how it all seems unfair, I’ve found myself in that state before.”

Christen instantly looked at Tobins left hand which was laying limp on her armrest. She didn’t know the story, but by Tobin’s words, she could tell that there was story to tell. And in that moment, Tobin’s words felt like they came with a lot more legitimacy than moments ago.

“And I got passed it. And it all looks fucked, but it can get better. And it’s not things that make situations better, it’s you.” Tobin said.

”So…I’m not telling you how to live or how to see things, but it’s how I see them.”

A painter without a hand, and a soccer player with two legs was how they sat today.

Christen nodded. She felt like it was the only certain thing she could hold onto today.

“At the end of the day, go to Sweden. And Kelley’s still alive. She’s upstairs.” Tobin said.

“You can still make things right with her. You can still go to her and mend it.”

Christen stewed in those words.

“There’s nothing to mend right now.” Christen said with a shrug.

Tobin nodded slowly.

But then she said, “The only reason you’re here, in my opinion, pretending to be her girlfriend, is because your heart knows there’s something to mend. It always has known.”

_How can she know that? Is that all on my face? Is my heart really on my sleeve?_

_“_ Until you figure out what it is, when she asks you to go home with her to be her fake girlfriend, you’re always going to go home with her.” Tobin said with a soft smile. An understanding one.

“But I want to go home with you.” Christen said after a while.

 

::

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I stole Colin kaepernicks Nike ad quote. It was just that good. I had to.


	7. Self-Fullfilling Prophecy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is torturously slow

 

$$

 

Christen couldn’t survive the whiplash. It was back and forth and back and forth. But it was like Kelley was jerking her around harder than she could handle.

One minute Kelley was whining, and the next, she was hugging Christen, and thanking her profusely.

She didn’t know if she could handle the ends of the spectrum that was Kelley’s personality all in one day. And even though Erin had taken time off to help her little sister, Christen had yet to see the oldest O’Hara actually help. This was Christen’s burden to bear all by herself.

And forget recruiting Karen’s help. That would be the sure fire way to get Kelley to act even more like a child.

Christen could relax just a little when Kelley sat down on the couch with her casted leg elevated, and munched on chips that Alex has brought by the house before she went to work. It was part of a goodie basket that Erin eyed suspiciously. Christen hadn’t ever seen someone give the fish eye to an inatimate object quite like Erin did.

“You’re my savior.” Kelley said, her mouth full of Doritos.

“I’m your best friend.” Christen replied when she settled in her spot and checked her phone. She lit up at a text from Tobin.

“What did Ms. Heath say?” Kelley asked when she laid her head on Christen’s shoulder and they both stared at the screen of Christen’s and Tobin’s conversation.

Kelley read aloud: “I’m just getting paint from my buddy. Been painting for I don’t know how long. Going to- she sounds boring.”

Christen rolled her eyes.

“Have you ever dated an artist?” Kelley asked.

“Nope.” Christen replied while she texted Tobin back.

“I mean, I’m kinda like an artist.” Kelley said with raised eyebrows.

Christen was silent for a good long while before she busted out laughing.

“Sure, Kell. Sure.”

“What?” Kelley asked defensively. “Sports are art!”

Christen nodded her off. They sat there while Christen mindlessly toggled between all of her social media accounts with Kelley looking over her shoulder, munching on her chips.

“You should add Alex.” Kelley said when she popped up on Christen’s suggested people to add on Instagram.

She obeyed and they both stalked Alex’s pictures for an hour.

“Who’s this guy?” Christen counted the number of pictures this guy that Alex was holding hands with, appeared in. There was a good amount of them. He made in appearance in well over half of them.

“It’s this guy she used to be engaged to.” Kelley said quietly. By the pictures, they looked happy. When they got to the more recent pictures, Christen started to notice that he made less appearances.

“Did she tell you about him?”

According to Kelley/Alex, it was broken off over a year ago. It was a guy that was still in her life because they worked at the same school, but had managed to keep a friendship with. It was a guy she had meant towards the end of college, one that helped her a lot after the death of Alex’s parents.

“Did you talk to Alex when that happened? You know, when her parents died?” Christen asked. She knew the answer to the question. It was something she had put to the side for safekeeping. And this moment presented a good time to bring up some of Christen and Kelley’s past.

“Um…” Kelley put her chips down on the ground and shoved her fingers into the edge of the cast in order to scratch at a spot on her shin.

“Yeah.” Kelley said without looking at Christen.

“I didn’t know that you had a friend who ‘s parents died. When did this happen?” She tested Kelley.

“Just sometime in college, Chris.” Kelley said quietly. She looked at Christen like she didn’t want to continue the conversation.

“When? Why didn’t you tell me about her parents?”

Kelley sighed. She threw the back of her head onto the cushions and looked out the window, instead of looking at her best friend. Christen would wait.

Kelley thought she could wait for the other to change the subject. But she couldn’t. Her impatience won over.

“I don’t want to talk about it.” Kelley said softly when she turned to look at her.

“Why not?” Christen had been accused of never letting Kelley fully express herself by Tobin, so here she was in an effort to find a base to be able to refuse that claim. It was also out of a selfish desire to turn more pages so that she could close the book on her relationship with Kelley

“Because it’s during the time when you and I weren’t talking to each other.”

If Alex was telling the truth, then Kelley was lying.

“It happened after we broke up, or before we broke up?” Christen pushed.

Kelley’s face changed. It’s like the emotion left her body. Her face was hard like stone. Christen knew that the mention of their breakup usually made Kelley act funny. Kelley never used those words to describe what did in fact happen. She usually referred to it as the time ‘they weren’t talking’ or their ‘fallout’ or ‘when Christen wasn’t on the team’ or simply, ‘when Christen was really mad at me.’

“Stop.” Kelley said gently. She turned on the TV to signal that she wasn’t going to partake in this conversation.

Christen got up to get Kelley a dosage of her pain meds and a glass of water, to signal that she didn’t want to talk to Kelley either.

 

::

 

“Be nice.”

Kelley grumbled.

“Please. For me?”

Kelley eventually nodded. They waved to Karen through the windshield as they watched her drive off to work. Kelley didn’t want to think about how much she didn’t want to admit that she wanted her mom to go with them.

“Can we stop by the store on the way back?” Kelley asked.

Christen nodded.

The drive to the doctors was silent except for the very quiet radio playing in the background. They both stared straight ahead most of the way. But Christen couldn’t get Tobin’s words out of her head.

_You can still fix things with her._

Christen looked over at the passenger seat. She grabbed Kelley’s hand and put their intertwined hands on her lap, her other hand steering the wheel.

She could see in her peripherals that Kelley was staring at their hands.

_Maybe you’re the one with a broken heart._

Kelley didn’t let go of it until she had to to fill out some paperwork.

Tobin: that’s really amazing of you to be doing that for her. I couldn’t do that

Christen: if I’m amazing, does that mean you want to ask me on a date

She checked her phone every once in awhile as they sat in the waiting room. Kelley tore some pages out of the magazine that was laying on the tables, and started making some origami.

Tobin: oui.

She smiled. Christen started copying Kelley’s movements to make her own form of a swan.

 

€€

 

This time, Kelley drove the conversation with douchebag doctor. She sat down next to Christen instead of on the big chair, because she could tell how tense her best friend got at the sight of him. She made sure to put her hand on Christen’s leg to let her know that she got it under control, and that she wouldn’t put her through the torture of dealing with him.

Christen only really tuned into the conversation when they started talking recovery time.  She heard the doctor say something about six months.

She analyzed Kelley’s face when she heard that she would be out for at least half a year.

Christen knew that the next few days with Kelley were going to be tough by her reaction.

“Hey. You’ll have Alex and me as nurses. You’ll be okay.” She said softly when she grabbed Kelley’s hand that was on her thigh. Her friend had a scrunched up face of frustration when the doctor stepped out to give them privacy.

 

::

 

She pouted. She didn’t really throw a fit, but she sat in the corner in a simmering silence. Kelley knew that Christen was walking on eggshells around her. She wanted to tell her best friend that she appreciated it, but the frustration took over her whole mind.

Kelley just gave Christen a hand squeeze when her best friend got up from the couch Kelley was spending more time on, to help Karen with something.

She heard a knock at the front door.

Kelley looked around. Christen was already upstairs.

“WHO IS IT?” Kelley shouted out loud. She was immobile, and if it was a serial killer, that person was gonna come in anyway.

The door opened.

“Hi.”

Kelley felt the urge to tame the smile that was forming in her face. She was supposed to be mad. But the sight of Alex’s eye roll at the presumption of her brattiness, broke through.

“I’m not even gonna ask Christen how you’ve been acting today.” Alex said when she gave Kelley her smirk.

“I’ve been good. Well…”

Alex kissed her instead of letting Kelley lie to her.

“I’m glad you’re here though. Can you grab that bag over there?” Kelley asked when Alex made her way to join her by her side.

Kelley got nervous when she was reaching to grab her little present.

“Are you nervous?”

“No!”

But Kelley’s face was red. And her childhood best friend would know her sign.

Alex took her foot off the brake a little and shut her mouth and smiled while she let Kelley sit with her nerves.

“I got you a present.” Kelley said shyly.

Alex smiled big, her eyes brightened.

“Well it’s not really a gift. It’s just..I don’t know.”

Kelley pulled out the card she had bought from the store when she made Christen take a pit stop on their way home.

She watched as Alex smiled at the front.

It had the words “I’m grateful” And a picture of a cheese grater.  She watched as Alex opened it up to reveal a long note she had written.

“I love it.” Alex said when she closed the card. She said it quietly and she gave Kelley a piercing look. Kelley still shied away for putting her heart out there for someone to handle. She curled into herself.

 But alex didn’t let her go away too far. Kelley melted into Alex’s kiss that was drawing her back.

“I’m about to interrupt..” Christen said slowly.

Kelley could see Alex chuckle when they pulled away at  Christen’s voice.

“Sorry.” She turned to see her best friend looking like she really was sorry that she had interrupted this really special moment with Alex.

“It’s okay.” Alex reassured.

“Karen is coming down to-“

“Hello!!! I heard my name!” The woman came coming down the stairs.

Alex wiped the evidence away from her lips and scooted further from Kelley.  

“You staying over for dinner Alex?” Karen asked when she reached the landing. She looked at everybody.

“What? Did I miss something?”

 

>> 

 

“How’s everything with Houston?” Kelley asked Christen.

She remembered that it wasn’t all about herself.

“We can talk about it later.” Christen said with a sheepish grin.

Kelley sat down on the bed. She needed some rest from that long trek up the stairs to the bathroom. She looked up at Christen who was waiting by the door, ready for if Kelley needed help to get places. They both just stared at each other.

Kelley wanted to push it. But Christen beat her to the punch.

“I really like Alex for you.” Christen had soft eyes and a little twitch to her lips. She got like this when she knew Christen was nervous about saying something really heartfelt.

“She likes you too.”

“I can see by the way you let her take care of you. It’s real.” Christen said with a smile.

Kelley smiled back. “Maybe I can teach her how to wrap an ankle?”

Christen nodded. “It would be useful.”

“I should probably dial it down, huh? My moms gonna get suspicious.” Kelley said.

Christen shrugged. “It wouldn’t be bad if she knew the truth. She likes Alex.”

“But she loves you.”

Kelley could tell that she said something that she probably shouldn’t. She didn’t want to push her best friend away, so she cleared her throat and she backed off.

“What’s going on with Houston?” She asked again. 

It seemed to be the wrong thing to ask, too. Christen looked like she wasn’t ready to talk about that either.

“Come here.” Kelley said.

Christen resisted. She shook her head. They spent a good amount of time having a wordless conversation of Kelley egging Christen open up. Her best friend gave in.

Kelley grabbed at the sides of Christen’s torso and held her at arms length so that she could look up at her face.

“Houston doesn’t deserve you.” Kelley said seriously. “Any club would be lucky to have you.”

Christen nodded sarcastically. It was like she would never agree with Kelley. It looked like she was brushing them off.

“What do you what me to do to help?”

Christen explained that there was nothing for her to do. There was nothing that anyone could do. Including herself.

“No. There has to be a way I can help you. You know, for all you’ve done for me.” Kelley offered with a small smile.

She could read the emotion on her best friends face. Kelley had seen this expression before. It looked like Christen was figuring out the best way to tell Kelley something devastating.

But with her ankle and all of the turmoil it was bringing, Kelley couldn’t take something devastating. She hugged Christen tight around her navel and she held on for life.

“I love you. I want you to be happy. Whatever that means, whatever you want me to do. I just want to see you happy.”

She relaxed a little when she felt the palm of Christen hand stroke the hairs on her head. She looked up and smiled at her.

“I…love…love you too, Kell.” Christen said it differently this time. Kelley couldn’t explain how it was different from all the times she’s heard it from her best friend before.

“Hey.”

They both broke apart a little when they turned to see both Erin and Sam standing by the door.

“Food’s ready.” Sam said with a smirk.

 

%%

 

“Sit. Please.” Christen warned.

She lightened up. “For you. Okay?”

Kelley eventually nodded before she turned her attention to these random high schooler friends that Christen had yet to be introduced to. There seemed to be too many people actually get to know on a one on basis anyways.

Christen didn’t know why she was surprised by the amount of people that were at Alex’s house. There were so many people that Kelley seemed to know, and she would spring up from her seated position every time somebody from high school arrived.  Christen  could deduce that Kelley was popular with how excited people got at the realization that a US Olympian was in Alex’s living room.

Christen was thinking about quitting the scene, tired from the day, and knowing less than 5% of the people that showed up to this impromptu party. Alex had warned that Kelley’s appearance would prompt more people to show up, but Christen didn’t realize that she wasn’t exaggerating.

She rolled her eyes when Kelley stood up again.

She met eyes with Alex, who sympathized with her.

“Kell. Your ankle.” Alex said when she gently nudged Kelley.

Christen smiled.

The way Kelley looked down and looked at Alex was different from all the looks she gave her other girlfriends. The woman slowly sat down to obey while she continued on telling her high school friends about the goal she scored in the Olympics.

“Thank you.” Christen mouthed.

Alex smiled.

Christen felt like she could go home. Her job was done. And Kelley was in good hands. She could rest easy.

So that’s what she did.

Christen went to bed at ease, first time in a long time.  Alex made her feel like kelley was taken care of, and now Christen could breath. She wouldn’t spend 100% of her time not about the person that molded 90% of the person she was, apparently. She closed her eyes to close the last day she served as Kelley’s only person.

She hoped that she would remember to thank Alex in the morning.

 

>> 

 

“Yeah but-“ Kelley shrugged.

“My mom.”

Christen rolled her eyes. Alex smirked.

“You said that you want me to be happy.” Christen said with raised eyebrows.

Alex nodded in agreement. Kelley did say that.

“This would make me happy.”

The injured woman didn’t look fully convinced. Alex reminded Kelley about the unfairness of her putting her need to placate her mom in front of Christen’s happiness. Kelley eventually grumbled a yes.

Christen felt so grateful to this childhood friend of Kelley’s that winked at her.

“You said this wasn’t serious.” Kelley said when Alex had gone to the bathroom.

“Well things change.”

“You really want me to get to know Tobin?”

“I do. Just as much as I want to get to know Alex.” Christen said.

Kelley didn’t respond by the time Alex joined them back again on the couch for movie night. She waited until Alex had gotten up to make popcorn for the second Harry Potter movie, before she replied.

“If it makes you happy, I’ll try.” Kelley said quietly.

This powerful feeling surged throughout her body. It was too intense to be relief. It was elation, it was gratitude, it may have been the sweet feeling of freedom. Whatever it was, it was so strong that it fired up all the nerves in her body and she wanted to thank her.

She felt it so much that she kissed Kelley on the lips to thank her. It may have been too much, but Christen was happy. When she pulled away, she could see Kelley chuckle. It her version of a ‘your welcome.’

Christen went upstairs to grab her phone to tell Tobin to come over to Kelley O’Hara’s house to meet her.

 

##

 

_“Hey.”_

_This time it sounded like she wasn’t disgusted, disappointed or downright furious to see Kelley._

_“Hey.”_

_“What are you doing here?” Christen asked when she entered the three foot bubble of personal space Kelley had around her._

_“Um.”_

_Kelley looked down at her shoes. She’s been wanting this moment more than anything she’s ever wanted before in her life, and here she was, unable to speak, and function like a normal human being. She hated herself._

_The silence was becoming awkward and Christen’s smile was fading into concern._

_Kelley Hated that she could never be consistent with the confidence she had when talking to her ex-girlfriend. When she was happy and she was up, Kelley was able to woo Christen with her banter. But when she was down, she acted like she was acting now._

_“Are you okay?” Christen asked quietly._

_Kelley felt her insides turn over when she felt Christen’s hand on her elbow to show some concern. She’s wanted to feel that touch for a long time. The way it was making her heart beat made her feel like she had been waiting for that touch her whole life._

_She couldn’t bombard Christen with everything she’s wanted to say to her she in this past year. It would ruin everything. Kelley tried to tame that desire._

_“I’m uh-“ she composed herself. “I’m looking for a job.”_

_Christen nodded. Kelley was sure that Christen had gotten wind of the league folding, and Kelley’s shaky career and future. But that was the last thing on Kelley’s mind at the moment. When their eyes met, Kelley couldn’t look away anymore, fully latched on._

_“Well you look good. Doesn’t seem like unemployment has anything on your good looks.” Christen said with a chuckle._

_Kelley missed the sound of Christen’s voice._

_“What did you do during the summer? I heard that preseason hadn’t started before the fold.” Christen said._

Think about you.

_“I…” She wracked her brain for something she did that didn’t involve the days she spent curled up in her blanket in her room, giving up on everything because she missed Christen._

_She couldn’t come up with anything._

_“I-I…I miss you.” Kelley said. She sighed in disappointment. She couldn’t even last a minute without containing about her season. She really didn’t mean to reveal herself like word vomit._

_Christen looked like she wasn’t ready for that response either. It looked like Christen had spent the past year doing the opposite of what Kelley did and got over their failed relationship._

_“Fuck.” Kelley said softly to herself._

_“I’m sorry.” Kelley said before she hurried into her old coach’s office to have the meeting she asked for, the meeting she drove five hours up the coast for. That was all she could say to her ex-girlfriend who was staring at her with so much confusion._

 

**

 

“ _Hey.”_

_Kelley turned around. She wasn’t ready for this encounter either, but she tried to relax. The ice had already been broken._

_Kelley smiled when she saw that Christen was smiling. It felt good. It felt like she hadn’t smiled in a long time. She walked to close the distance._

_“Did you get the job?” Christen asked._

_Kelley stopped in her tracks when she felt like she shouldn’t be happy so soon._

_“I won’t take it if you don’t want me to.” Kelley said cautiously._

_Christen’s face softened. “I think it’s been long enough. I’m a big girl.”_

_“You’re gonna see me like everyday.” Kelley warned._

_“Oh god that sounds horrible!” Christen exclaimed sarcastically._

_Kelley couldn’t help but feel that a small part of Christen meant it though._

_“I think you’d be amazing as the assistant coach.” Christen said with quiet reassurance. Kelley watched as Christen grabbed her hand and gave it a squeeze._

_“I’m happy for you.” Christen said as she stared down at their hands._

_Kelley wanted to ask the question. She wanted to get all the answers. She wanted Christen to keep holding her hand._

_But she didn’t. Christen let go of it and looked back up at her._

_“Can I…”_

Can I ask for forgiveness one more time?

“ _Can we start over? As friends?” Christen asked._

_Kelley wanted her in her life. That’s all she begged for the past 365+ days._

_It’s not the way she wanted Christen back in her life. But she felt like the universe was giving her something._

_“I’d like that.”_

_@@_

_Kelley slowly put the beer bottle in her hand onto the counter. She stared at it so that she could concentrate on not falling apart._

_She wasn’t even going to come to this party._

_And she knew she shouldn’t have. But her former teammates on the Stanford soccer team had combined her to come out of her depressing shell and become the Kelley they knew._

_She knew that Christen had seen her reaction. It wasn’t an obvious one._

_The place was so big that there was a chance that she wasn’t going to run into Christen, even though of course she hoped she would._

_But she didn’t want it to be like this._

_Kelley peeled off the brand label off her beer bottle as she tried to get rid of the image of Christen walking around saying hi to everyone while she holding someone else’s hand._

_Somebody that wasn’t Kelley._

_Kelley was trying to deal with the fact that it really was over between her and Christen. Even though Christen’s behavior indicated that she got over them, it struck her in the heart to SEE that Christen was over her._

I don’t want you to be with someone else.

I want you to be mine.

_Kelley looked up again to see whoever this other girl Christen was with, hold her from behind as they laughed and drank in a circle with all of Christen’s friends._

_Any remaining hope that Kelley had to asking Christen to give them another chance, was obliterated. The last three months of having two hours a day with Christen on the field, three months of hesitant friendship, felt like it was all for nothing in this moment._

_It wasn’t appropriate to cry at a party._

_So she left._

_@@_

_“Hey. I saw you for two seconds at the party last night. I didn’t get a chance to hang. Where did you go?”_

_“Um. I think I drank too fast. Felt like I was gonna throw up.” Kelley said without turning around from her task of putting all the equipment into the cart the team was going to roll out for practice._

_“That sucks.” She could hear Christen’s footsteps entering into her small office that assistant coaches got. Kelley rarely spent her time in here, but she didn’t think she could hang out by the gym with the girls she coached, knowing that the sight of Christen would accelerate the rate at which her heart was splitting down the middle._

_“Can’t hang anymore? Adulting make you a lightweight?”_

_Kelley could detect the effort her ex girlfriend was putting into the friendship, but she didn’t think that she could put in as much._

_She gave a noncommittal chuckle and continued to throw all of the shit they needed for practice into the damn cart._

_“I was looking for you at the party because I was wondering if we could talk.”_

_Kelley finally turned around. She could see Christen nervously fidget with her fingers._

_“Okay.”_

_Christen sat down on the chair across the small desk that came with the office. Kelley opted to stand._

_“I’m really happy we’re friends.” Christen said gently._

_Her heart had officially been torn in two._

_“I really missed having you in my life.” Christen added when Kelley picked up a cone from the stack in the cars and fidgeted with it. Her eyes left the woman across from her and looked down at the bright colored object in her hand._

_“It’s been awhile since we..you know.. and I just wanted you to hear it from me-“_

_“You guys looked like a really beautiful couple.” Kelley said. She gave Christen a small smile that masked the heartache._

_Christen smiled back._

_“Thank you.” Christen replied. Her smile didn’t look like it was masking anything. She just looked happy._

_“Are you okay with-“_

_“I just want you to be happy.” Kelley said. She meant it. But she said it because she needed to remind herself that she needed to let Christen be happy._

I can give you happiness, too.

_“I am.” Christen said with a nod._

_Kelley bent the cone in her hand and then put it back into the cart. Christen was happy. All the sorrow Kelley felt in the past year, all that she had felt in her lifetime, hit her all at once in that moment._

_The self deprecation and the insecurity she harbored was proven to be a self fulfilling prophecy._

_She wasn’t going to be able to hide this heartbreak. Not this one._

_“Good. That’s all I want for you.” Kelley said without looking at her ex. She wanted Christen to leave._

_“Thanks Kelley.” Christen said before she hugged Kelley tightly. She laid her head down onto her shoulder._

_But Kelley was numb. And she couldn’t feel the hug and the affection._

_“I want to keep you in my life. I miss you.” Christen said._

_But Kelley didn’t really hear it. It went in and out the other ear._

_“I’m so happy that we can be friends.”_

_Kelley nodded. She just wanted Christen to get out. She wasn’t going to be able to hold it in much longer._

_“Okay. I’ll see you at practice tonight?” Christen asked with a smile._

_Kelley gave her the fakest smile she could muster, back._

_She was so happy to see Christen turn to leave._

_++_

_Christen knew that she shouldn’t have done it. Well, she should have, but she knew that There was a chance that Kelley would never want to be in her life again._

_But she had to do it for the both of them._

_She knew that Kelley would be hurt, but Christen was ruined by the devastating sight of Kelley letting her in for a second, and putting her broken heart on her sleeve. It was only for a second._

_Christen knew that Kelley would be hurt, but she had never seen Kelley gunned down by immeasurable heartache, until that moment. It was fleeting, but it was there when Christen admitted that someone else gave her happiness._

_That was when Christen knew that Kelley really did love her._

_She was willing to lie and hide the heartache if it meant Christen could be happy._

_Christen slowly closed the door behind her. She needed to catch her breath. She never thought that she would actually let Kelley go, but she knew that this was probably the only way for it to eventually, really happen._

_Christen closed her eyes. It was her turn to let her heart break at the realization that she gave Kelley the implied permission to someday fall in love with someone else._

_She was rooted to her spot. The tears fell._

_And she let herself feel connected to Kelley one more time by their shared heartbreak as she listened to the sobs of her ex behind a closed door, and the manifestation of all the hurt kelley had as she ransacked her own office out of anger._

_@@_

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	8. To Resist and To Surrender

“That’s cheating! You’re taller than me!”

Tobin chuckled. “That’s not how this works, O’Hara. You agreed on a game of horse with the body you came in! You can’t use your height as a disadvantage.”

Kelley dribbled the ball. She shouldn’t have been up and outside in the backyard shooting hoops with Tobin Heath, but Christen and Alex had gone to pick up the pizza, and this was the small amount of time she had the chance to feel like herself again.

Hence why she agreed to a game of Horse with someone she forgot used to be a really good basketball player. She only remembered when Tobin effortlessly swished in a 3 pointer once she had gotten done with stabilizing Kelley with her little scooter that helped her get around.

“I’m not even defending you. It’s just a shot in the paint c’mon.” Tobin said with a smirk.

Kelley grumbled. She hated not being the athletically superior one.

She didn’t make it in the basket.

“You have to flick your wrist. And I don’t know…not push the ball out with both hands. One to cradle, and the other to shoot.” Tobin instructed. She moved Kelley’s hand to a better form.

They both watched the ball be driven into the correct flight path, but fail to make it all the way to the basket.

“Well then you gotta bend your-“ Tobin laughed when she remembered that Kelley was riding around on a scooter and couldn’t bend her knees to give her shot some power behind it.

“Ha Ha. Laugh it up.” Kelley said with narrowed eyes.

“I’m sure once you get out of that thing you can run me up and down this court for days.” Tobin said with a smile. They abandoned the game of horse that Kelley was never gonna win. And Tobin could detect that bruising Kelley’s ego, no matter how good-natured it would be, would not be the best thing to do when it came to sports if she were to get on her good side  

They took turns to shoot the ball.

“I kinda forgot that you played basketball. You were more of an artsy fartsy person.” Kelley said when she tried to make another basket. She failed.

“Yeah well..” Tobin got the rebound and now it was her turn to shoot.

“Didn’t have much of a future in it anyway.” Tobin missed. She got the ball for Kelley.

“That’s not what I heard.” Kelley said when she caught the ball that was tossed to her.

“So you DO remember that I played basketball?” Tobin smirked when she asked it. She wasn’t expecting an answer when she saw Kelley shrug. They didn’t exactly run with the same crowd so she couldn’t fault Christen’s ex girlfriend for not knowing her life.

“I’m starting to recall.” Kelley added.

“You uh…” Kelley started to smile. “You wore a lot of baggy pants with paint on them, and them overalls! You really were artsy fartsy.”

It was Kelley’s turn to smirk.

“Well I’m definitely not a fashion artist.” Tobin offered.

The woman with the scooter caught the ball when Tobin had passed it to her, and unexpectedly sat down on the cement of the basketball court the O’Hara children played on as kids.

She watched as Tobin started rubbing her left hand and massaging it while the woman tried to hold back and mask the pain that had come so sudden  

“Oh that’s why you stopped playing right?” Kelley asked softly.

She watched as Tobin nodded as she grimaced with pain. She just crossed her arms to hide her left hand which was stuffed between her arm and body while she tried to compose herself.

“I got some pain meds…” Kelley said with suggestive raised eyebrows.

“I already took medicine today.” Tobin said with a small nod. “Thanks though.”

“Are you sure dude? Cus that shit makes me feel like I can FLYY!” Kelley shouted when she rode off in her scooter.

It earned a laugh. Kelley was satisfied. She rode up back next to Tobin.

“Well we should go inside. The two of em are probably goin to be home soon.”

“Afraid Christen is gonna put you in timeout?” Tobin asked.

Kelley was deciding on how to respond to that. It was clear that Tobin wasn’t intimidated by her, and that she had dry sarcastic humor that made her seem smarter than she looked.

It wasn’t that she looked dumb, it was just that she never knew slow talking Heath had such poignant things to say. She realized that when they were shooting free throws and Tobin was telling her about a date that she had taken Christen on before kelley even knew they were past a one night stand. Tobin talked about what she thought about Christen. From first impression to present day.

Kelley didn’t want to admit that what Tobin had to say about her best friend, all so eloquently expressed in her lazy voice, was spot on. From her character assessment, to the observations of Christen’s tendencies.

When they were shooting the ball, she wondered how much time this woman really did spend with her best friend. To Kelley it didn’t seem like much at all, but from what Tobin was telling her it seemed like they’ve known each other for a long time. Or maybe, Christen and Tobin just had a strong connection that all it took was a second.

She had to accept that there was someone else who really knew and saw Christen the way she did. Kelley just didn’t think it was possible for someone else.

“Better hope she doesn’t spank me in front of you.” Kelley saidwith a shrug.

“Cuz I like that.” She added with a devilish grin.

It earned her another laugh. She was satisfied that she just bagged herself another fan.

Another friend,

Well she would need time to decide that, but it was looking good for Tobin Heath.

 

++

 

Competition.

That’s what Christen thought must be the reason Kelley and Tobin we’re getting along so well. Not for Christen herself as the prize, she was more than just a fucking prize, and neither of them were actually fighting for her, but because the second they met, Tobin had read Kelley in and out, and knew that the only way to get Kelley’s respect was with competition.

Christen was actually very impressed on  Tobin’s ability to fill out a profile on Kelley in the first few moments of them meeting, and decide how to indulge in Christen’s wish that Tobin play nice.

“Oh I’m sure I can beat you at call of duty.” Kelley said confidently when Tobin had pointed out the game console in the living room.

Christen rolled her eyes. She didn’t want to waste precious time with Tobin by spending it watching her and Kelley play video games, but she figured that beggars couldn’t be choosers. After all, she did ask for this.

Tobin was cool calm and collected. She sat back low on her seat and had her legs up on the ottoman and she stared lazily at the screen but her fingers worked at a furious pace. Kelley on the other hand had her face just inches away from the screen, her whole body crouched forward and erect. It looked like her hands were going to break the controller in two everytime she pressed a button. Tobin had a cool, calm, and collected stature, with the subtle feature of alert eyes that gave away that she did in fact want to win. Kelley seemed to be  exploding with glee when she was ahead, and rage when she didn’t succeed. Their two different personalities were on display.

Christen wasn’t too happy when she and Alex arrived at the house from picking dinner to see her two videogamers coming in from the backyard, but she let it go when she realized that Kelley was actually making an attempt to be civil with Tobin.

It looked like she was actually trying to make friends with her.

Kelley even took the spot next to Tobin at the dinner table so that they could continue their conversation about some gossip about people they went to high school with.

“I think she likes me.” Tobin said when Christen got her alone for a second before dinner was served.

Christen was about to offer her agreement until she heard Erin coming down the stairs. She just nodded and gave Tobin a bright smile and a little butt squeeze before they entered the kitchen.

 

^^

 

“I’m actually a really huge fan of your work. I was just telling Christen that the other day.” Erin said.

“Well thanks. I didn’t know people really looked at my stuff.” Tobin said with a small lopsided smile aimed at the woman.

Christen was learning more and more about how much everyone at this table actually knew of Tobin. Christen was the only one that wasn’t from this town so it wasn’t a surprise that she knew the least, but it was a surprise that everyone actually knew something about the guest.

Alex told stories about times that she shared classes with Tobin back in the day, and the many mutual friends they had growing up as kids. The two never actually became close friends, but they had talked every once in awhile and Alex did hang around a lot of girls on the basketball team with Tobin.

“You play basketball?”Christen asked. She looked over Kelley, who she was sitting next to for appearances, to look at this girl who she didn’t even know was athletic.

“Played.” Tobin corrected.

“She was pretty good, Chris.” Kelley said with her mouth full of the mashed potatoes her dad had made for the big crowd that had gathered for dinner. Kelley friends were soon becoming assumed mainstays for dinner.

“So athletic and artsy…” Christen observed. “What else is there to know about you Tobin?”

She made sure that her tone made it seem like she didn’t know much about the woman. She was very aware of Karen’s presence, Erin’s stare, and Kelley’s hand on her thigh to remind her that she had a duty to be acting right now.

“Nothing much.” The guest said with a shrug.

“How is your hand?” Mrs. O’Hara asked when he pointed with his fork at the limb in question.

“Mom.” Kelley said with fierce eyes.  She was chastising her for forwarded .

Christen looked on with curiosity.

“That might be personal, mom…” Erin said quietly to her mom.

“What? I was just-“

“It’s totally cool.” Tobin said with a wave of her right hand.

“It has its good and bad days. But that’s life.” Tobin said simply. Everyone at the table nodded sympathetically and in appreciation that the guest took this topic with such grace.

Christen on the other hand, shut her mouth. Apparently Tobin’s hand was a public thing. So was her past athleticism. And her aptitude for art. There was so much that Christen had to earn of this human being that was seated right next to Christen’s fake girlfriend. She felt both intrigued of Tobin’s multi dimensional abilities, and sad that she was the only one left out from knowledge of her history.

But she shut her mouth because in front of Kelley’s parents, she wasn’t supposed to be more in love with someone other than their daughter.

 

%%

 

“Did you like the food?”

“Yeah. Totally.”

“Good. It’s not as good as Christen cooking, especially because my parents don’t really cook much what with an empty nest, but my dad tried.” Kelley explained.

“Your parents are great.” Tobin said with a nod. “They seem like really cool parents. Especially your mom.”

“See. Everyone but you loves your mom.” Alex said with an eye roll. Kelley could see her resist an urge to give Kelley a kiss to prove that it was all sarcasm, as the rest of her family and Christen were still just in the other room cleaning the dishes up.

“Your mom’s like exactly like you.” Tobin observed.

Kelley groaned.

“That’s like a total compliment.” Tobin reassured.

Kelley rolled her eyes.

“What? Woman is assertive, kind…in a very unique way, strong willed-“

“So she’s a bitch-“

“Kelley!” Alex slapped her in the arm. She massaged the spot as Tobin smirked and Alex demanded that she take that back.

“Hey.”

Kelley looked up.

“You have to take your medicine.” Christen said from the entryway to the kitchen.

“Okay, ill-“

But Christens’s warning glare made her sit back down. The woman walked over with a glass of water and the two big pills. Kelley looked up again to see her mom watching them as she dried a plate with a rag in her hand.

“Thanks…babe.”

She saw the way Christen’s stare glanced towards Tobin and then back at her with an unreadable expression. After Kelley swallowed it all, out of the sight of everyone, she placed her hand on Alex’s knee for a second, hoping that she would understand what had just happened.

Tobin and Alex both seemed to not mind. They started talking about something while Kelley and Christen shared a silent conversation that acknowledged the first time this charade in front of everyone, felt awkward.

When Christen reached out to get the glass that had her water in it, Kelley asked quietly, “Can I go in there and help?”

“Kell, id rather you-“

“I want to help.” She pushed.

She could tell that she was wearing Christen down. It was close to the end of the day and usually the woman wasn’t as resistant when Kelley was trying to be helpful.

“Here.” She turned to see Tobin wheeling her scooter up next to her so that she could move to the kitchen with ease.

She appreciated that. And so did Christen by the rare look of affection Kelley saw her give to the guest in her own house.

 

&&

 

“Mom leave it, I’ll help.” Kelley instructed.

Karen could tell that her daughter was asking her to clear the room so that she could have alone time with Christen. Karen dropped the rag onto the counter before she and the rest of her family swiftly exited the room. None of them knew if it was a good thing or a bad thing, knowing that Kelley’s ‘relationship’ with Christen has been pretty volatile.

She saw Christen turn around from her spot where she was loading the dishwasher.

Her face didn’t make sense to Kelley. They were quiet for a few seconds.

Until Christen started to laugh so hard that she snorted.

Kelley didn’t understand.

Until she remembered that her injured leg was resting on a scooter and she must have looked very funny. Kelley resisted joining in with the infectious laughter and she just tried to tame the smile that was forming in her face. Right now she was being made fun of, but she had to admit that the sight probably was funny. She let Christen have her moment.

“Aw I’m sorry.” Christen said as she closed the distance and cupped Kelley’s face with her wet hands.

“You’re bullying me.” Kelley said with a playful pout.

“I think you’ll get over it.” Christen said with a smile.

“So…” Christen looked nervous. “Do you like her?”

 

++

 

_Kelley blew the hot air from her breath into her hands before she rubbed them together. She had forgotten to bring her gloves .  Which was a rookie mistake, because now she wasn’t going to be able to feel anything with her hands. _

_ She stood there for a good long few minutes while the cold air made her feel like the earth was chastising her for doing what she was doing. The freezing wind was unforgiving.  _

_ “Oh. Hey kell. Bye Kell.” _

_Kelley waved bye to her boss/former coach who looked like he was finally going home. It was a good thing for Kelley for him to leave before her. She was already feeling guilty, she didn’t need more people in her life to judge her. _

_ Kelley’s face lit up at the sight of this really pretty girl coming towards her with pair of winter gloves in her hand.  _

_ Her heart warmed a little.  _

_“You’re the best.” She said gratefully. Kelley looked around to make sure no one was watching before she kissed her girlfriend on the lips. _

_“How do you forget these? You love these?” Her girlfriend asked in disbelief. _

_“I’m too preoccupied with giving you a goodbye kiss. So I forget em.” Kelley said with a smirk. It earned her another shot at giving her girlfriend a sly kiss. _

_ Kelley walked her to her car that was a good long ways from the locker rooms. She led the way, her girlfriend being pulled by Kelley’s hand as they tried to avoid being seen. Maybe she was being too cautious and was overcompensating, but she didn’t want to think about what would happen if they got caught.  _

_“ Meet at mine ?” Kelley asked. _

_She held onto her hand just a little bit longer than usual before they separated. Kelley hated the feeling of physically separating. _

_Her girlfriend gave her a reassuring smile to signal that she wa s going to be there. _

_ “Drive safe.” _

_ On the way over there, Kelley hit the deny button on her iPhone when she saw Christen’s face pop up. That was the last person she wanted to talk to.  _

_ Press: call me when you can. Don’t know when would be a good time to arrive tomorrow.  _

_ Kelley pinned a mental reminder the back of her mind to call her back. But right now, this wasn’t a time to be talking to somebody who would be as harsh as the winter wind.  _

_She made sure to leave her phone in the bowl of keys by the door. _

_ ++ _

_ “You know they wouldn’t care?” _

_Kelley let her head hang to the side and gave her girlfriend an eye roll. She brought her closer to her body so that she could rest her head on Kelley’s chest and their legs intertwine. _

_ “You know I care about you, right?” Kelley asked. _

_ She nodded. Kelley made sure to do everything in her power to prove it.  _

_“This is more than to just cover my ass. It’s to protect you, too.” Kelley said gently. _

_ Her girlfriend was about to protest.  _

_ “Look. The attention shouldn’t be on me. It should be on you and about you.” _

_ Her girlfriend looked like she still wanted to protest. So Kelley brought her even closer. She brought her in tight with both hands. She seemed so small in Kelley’s arms. Kelley got the overwhelming feeling to protect this precious thing in her arms.  _

_ “I don’t want anything bad to happen to you.” She said quietly. “It would kill me if something did and it was because of me.” _

_ “Just keep me close and nothing will happen.” _

_ “That’s what I’m doing.” Kelley said with a smirk. She squeezed her tight  _

_ They stared at each other for awhile. Kelley didn’t know how long she was going to have this moment. She wanted to remind herself the reality of being with this person, but at the same time, it had been a LONG time since someone’s touch made Kelley feel so loved. There was only one other person who made her feel that way.  _

_ “I want to brag about you.”  _

_ Kelley sighed. She understood, but her girlfriend was still going to have to keep their relationship a secret.  _

_ “I want everyone to know how great you are. How sweet you are. No one would ever believe me if I told them that you were sweet.” _

_ They both chuckled.  _

_ “Hey. I have to coach. I can’t be sweet to them.” Kelley reminded.  _

_ “I know, I know. They love you. I…they love how intense and pushy you get. It’s good for the team. Really. And they love your humor. But I want them to know that you’re sweet.” _

_ “Only you need to know that.” Kelley said softly. She gave her an equally soft kiss on the lips to soothe her.  _

_“It would ruin my street cred .”_

_ Her girlfriend rolled her eyes.  _

_ ++ _

_ Christen looked at her phone and shook her head.  _

_Kelley was getting more and more unreliable. Christen surmised that it was probably since Kelley had gotten a new girlfriend, which was understandable, but this weekend was kind of a big deal. This was Christen’s first home coming and everyone was going to be back on the same field, playing the same game that made them feel like they were on top of the world. It would be a good change f or Christen from  the feeling of the hard floor of last place in the women’s league. _

_Press: I’m on my way. You and her  put some clothes on by the time I get there. This is my warning. _

_ She got an uber for her plan B because it was clear that plan A of Kelley coming to pick her up from the airport had fallen through.  _

_She tried to reign in and check her frustration levels. Kelley seemed giddy over the phone when she was telling Christen about this new girl she was talking to. She wanted to give Kelley some mercy because she was sure that the woman was probably devoting 98% of her focus to this mystery girl. On the ride to Kelley’s apartment, she recalled what it was like in the beginning of a relationship with Kelley O’Hara. She could imagine that her text warning her to put clothes on was a necessity. _

_ She took the carry on out from the trunk of the car and waved a goodbye to her driver. Christen tried to think about what was the best way to enter into the apartment. Kelley’s car was parked right outside so that was a sign that she was home.  _

_ Christen decided to abandon sending another text. Kelley obviously wasn’t looking at her phone. She grabbed the key her best friend gave her a long time ago and let herself in.  _

_There was a T-shirt on the floor right in the entryway. There was a pair of shorts five feet away from it. Christen was pretty sure that her girlfriend’s underwear was somewhere near, but she couldn’t see it. _

_I was right._

_ Christen made sure to cough really loud and noisily move her carry on before she called out, “HELLO!” _

_ She smirked when she heard a quiet, “oh shit,” and then subsequent approaching footsteps.  _

_ “Chris!” _

_ Christen smiled at the fact that she knew Kelley inside and out.  _

_ “I’ve called like more than ten times. Texted too.” Christen gently chastised.  _

_ “Um yeah! Um. I’m sorry. I just didn’t have my phone with me, I- yeah I don’t even know where Uh- Where it is.” Kelley said, her face frantic and her body anxious.  _

_ “Is she here? Can I meet her?” Christen asked when she leaned to take a peak into the bedroom.  _

_ “No! I mean yes. She’s here but –“ _

_ Christen waited for the explanation.  _

_ “Chris I’m not- I just don’t want you to meet her this way. We’re both not presentable, and I don’t know I just don’t want to push this onto her.” Kelley explained.  _

_ “Okay. But I’m here…she’s here…might as well get it out of the way…I really want to meet her.” Christen suggested.  _

_ “Chris. Please.” Kelley urged. She took a nervous glance towards her bedroom.  _

_ “What’s wrong? I’m not gonna bite.” Christen said with a chuckle.  _

_ “Christen.” Kelley’s tone was serious. The smile on Christen’s face disappeared. It looked like Kelley wasn’t going to budge.  _

_ “Why don’t you want me to meet her?” Christen asked quietly as she tried to dial down how hurt she was by Kelley’s irritated command for her to back down.  _

_ She watched as Kelley’s hands slowly balled into fists and her eyes were cast downward to her feet.  _

_ “Stop.” Kelley said softly.  _

_ So Kelley was serious. Christen rolled her eyes. It was one thing for Kelley to be unreliable, it was another for her to be a dick and kick her out when Christen had made no other plans to stay anywhere else to save some money. She had no plans on being third wheel with Kelley and mystery girl, but she thought it was agreed that Christen was at least going to have a place to stay this weekend.  _

_ “I just need an hour.” She heard Kelley call out to her back.  _

_ She responded with a no-look middle finger being thrown up in the air as she grabbed her carry on and exited the apartment.  _

_ She requested another Uber.  _

_ “Hey. I just gotta make sure she gets home. Just give me  an hour-“ _

_ “I’ll stay with Ali.” Christen said without looking up from her screen.  _

_“No.” Kelley sighed out of frustration. “Chris. Stop. I’m sorry I didn’t get any of your texts-“_

_“I don’t give a shit about that.” Christen interrupted. “I understand that you’re spending your time with someone else you don’t have to respond to everything . It’s just that you don’t have to act like a dick about plans that were made weeks ago .”_

_ “Okay…then look just please let me-“ _

_ “Kelley.” Christen wanted to stop all of this.  _

_ “I’m going to stay with Ali. I don’t want to be in your way and if you don’t want me to meet her then that’s cool. I’m gonna give you the space you need. I’m not trying to ruin whatever-“ _

_ “Okay, but you don’t need to stay with McCann.” Kelley interrupted this time. “Just an hour. Meet me in an hour.” _

_ ++ _

_ There was no way Christen and Ali weren’t going to get to the bottom of this.  _

_ Kelley never acted that way unless she was guilty about something. No one acted like that unless they were guilty of something.  _

_“You think it’s because the chick is probably but t  ugly?” Ali asked. _

_“N o. Kelley’s shallow.”_

_ Christen turned to see her friend’s reaction.  _

_“Not like shallow shallow. But like…shallow.” Christen said, hoping that it would fully explain what she meant. They both sat down to put their cleats on before they would get on this field that made them feel like champs. _

_ “I haven’t seen her likes on my feed blow up about one person.” Ali said with a shrug.  _

_ “Yeah.” Christen said when the got up to pass the ball back and forth while the current young Stanford team came rolling up.  _

_ “There’s just so much shadiness.” Christen added.  _

_ “Yeah. She’d be bragging about it by now.” _

_ “Unless she really liked her?” Christen countered.  _

_ “True.” _

_ “But Kelley is never secretive about the people she’s into. ” Christen offered.  _

_ “what are you talking about? No one knew when she had a crush on you.” Ali said with a smirk. There was nothing further from the truth.  _

_ “Shut up.” Christen said with a shake of her head.  _

_ “God. She was so fucking annoying. How come you put us all through that? You couldn’t have just told her you liked her the first time so that you could spare the team through daily talks about ‘Christen’s pretty eyes’?” _

_ She rolled those pretty eyes of hers.  _

_ They continued to pass the ball back and forth while the whole Stanford squad and coach got everything set up.  _

_ “How come you didn’t comeback last night?” _

_ She heard Kelley’s sad voice behind her.  _

_ “I did you a favor.” Christen said. She made sure that the three of them were far enough away from the huddle of young ones.  _

_ “I told you-“ _

_ “Can we not fight today?” Christen asked when she passed the ball of her feet into Coach Kelley’s shins to signal that she was close to being done with the pettiness.  _

_ Kelley sighed. “Are you two going to at least come over tonight?” _

_ “Well hello to you too, coach.” Ali said with a sarcastic salute.  _

_ “Don’t call me that.” Kelley said when she playfully kicked the ball into Alli’s shins, replicating Christen’s actions.  _

_ “But you’re coach, coach.” McCann said with another salute.  _

_ Kelley just shook her head.  _

_They all turned around as they got summoned by Paul. It was time for them to join the team practice like the old days. But this time, they were the alumni that would knock down the egos of these girls that thought they were on top of the world, back down. It was a full circle. _

_ )) _

_ Christen knew exactly what moment it was.  _

_ Alli was talking to the other assistant coach that Christen was pretty sure wasn’t working here a year ago when she was a senior, Paul was busy talking to the defense, and the rest of the other players were chatting as they waited for the game to start.  _

_ She was put as an honorary striker to be the main force against the defense that Paul was concentrating on today. As she stood over the ball and waited, she looked up to see something that made her heart beat fast.  _

_ She could see Kelley smile at the left winger that was on the sideline right next to her. They were talking, as everyone else was as the offense waited for Paul to send the defense out.  _

_Christen saw the way the left winger pushed Kelley away playfully because of something asshole-ish the assistant coach said. Then she saw the way Kelley’s hand reached out to stop the left wingers hand from pushing her too far. _

_ She saw the way Kelley’s hand lingered as their hands touched for a second.  _

_ With the stadium lights blaring above them, and the left winger smiling so brightly at her much older coach, Christen was furious.  _

_ And when Kelley looked up and saw her staring right at her, her eyes burning with rage, Kelley realized that Christen knew.  _

_ ++ _

_ “But it’s not that big of a deal!”  _

_ Christen rubbed the temples of her forehead.  _

_ “Do you realize how much trouble you’re going to get in?!?” _

_ Kelley pouted. “Stop. I’m not going to. No one knows.” _

_ “NO ONE KNOWS?? NO ONE KNOWS?? NO ONE FUCKING KNOWS?!” _

_ She pushed Kelley’s hands away that were trying to bring her closer to calm her down.  _

_ “I know, Kelley. Me! Someone who has seen you talk to her ONCE. Are you really that delusional to think that none of her friends don’t know??” _

_ “Don’t be upset with me.” Kelley said quietly.  _

_ “You are so smart! How can you be SO STUPID?” Christen asked as Kelley avoided her gaze and suggested that they continue this conversation back at her place.  _

_“No! Fucking answer my question! How the fuck do you think this is gonna work??” Christen said when she pushed the driver seat door of Kelley’s car closed again. She leaned on the handle to prevent Kelley from escaping. It was the only way she was going to save her. _

_“Christen. ” Kelley quietly begged for some mercy. _

_ Christen lowered her voice. “You are the assistant coach.” _

_ Kelley still didn’t look at her.  _

_ “They trust you-“ _

_ “Give me a fucking break-“ _

_ “No! You don’t deserve one.” Christen pushed back.  _

_ “Christen.” Kelley stepped closer to indicate that she wasn’t going to let her best friend run all over her. “She’s 21, it’s not like I’m doing something fucking horrible. That’s only four years.” _

_ “You are un-fucking- believable.” Christen said with a shake of her head.  _

_ Kelley looked hurt beyond belief.  _

_ “This is why I didn’t want you to meet her.” She mumbled.  _

_ “Because you knew you were going to feel ashamed?” Christen challenged.  _

_ “NO! Because I knew you were gonna make me feel like a worthless piece of shit!” Kelley yelled back. They were both breathing heavy and it was clear that there was not going to be a resolve tonight. Kelley was on the attacking defense right now.  _

_ Christen thought about her next words.  _

_ “You can have anyone you want. Why are you going after someone like that? You are putting your job in jeopardy.” Christen said, her voice back down to a normal tone.  _

_ “We both know I can’t have anyone I want.” Kelley said with disgust that Christen would suggest otherwise.  _

_ Christen sighed in exhaustion. She needed to stop Kelley there. She would always need to stop Kelley there, never to say the next sentence.  _

_ “You taught me that.” Kelley said pointedly.  _

_ “You taught me how much of a worthless piece of shit I really am. So EXCUSE ME if I want got be with someone who actually thinks I’m worth something!” _

_It was Kelley’s turn to attack. The tables turned ._

_“I like her! She makes me feel like I can actually have someone that I really really want .  Like it’s okay for me to able to think I deserve  love from someone or at least a fucking second chance !”_

_ It was Christen’s turn to look down at her feet.  _

_“ I don’t have to explain that to you.” Kelley said with force. _

_ “She fucking looks at me like I’m worth something.” Kelley said quietly before she grabbed her keys that were on the hood of the car when she realized that Christen was not going to let them leave.  _

_She stood there ready to fight as  Christen stood quietly in her spot, still blocking entry to the vehicle. Kelley wondered what this was going to mean for the rest of the weekend she had with Christen. _

_ “I never meant to make you feel worthless.” Christen said quietly.  _

_“Oh yeah? But you’re so good at it , Chris.” Kelley said with so much venom. _

_ ++ _

_ Don’t respond: I miss you  _

_ She had to obey the contact name she put for Kelley’s number. She shouldn’t respond.  _

_ It had been two months since her alumni visit back at the Bay, and this was the first time Kelley had texted her since that night Christen found out Kelley was dating one of her players, and Christen ended their friendship.  _

_ It seemed like the best thing to do. She made Kelley feel like shit, and Christen didn’t know what else she could do to mend the heartbreak from the past. She didn’t agree with Kelley’s relationship, and she didn’t think that she could stand by to support it. Christen was sure that she probably really would have liked the left winger, but that night had ruined any chance of Christen being a part of all of that.  _

_ She went back to Sweden, while Kelley stayed to finish out her year before she were to join the Pali Blues. Christen didn’t even know if Kelley found true love with that girl, but during the time of radio silence, she figured that she wouldn’t want to know anyway.  _

_ Christen didn’t respond to the text.  _

_ She didn’t respond to her next one either.  _

_ Nor the next one that was sent two weeks later.  _

_In fact, Christen blocked Kelley’s number, so she didn’t get the five other texts Kelley sent of the three times she tried to call her. She didn’t want to engage, she didn’t want to know if Kelley broke the left winger’s heart or vice versa, she just didn’t want to know. Her need to block Kelley out was successful as she finished her season overseas. _

_ But it didn’t last long when she returned because of the news of a new league being formed.  _

_ Christen was staying in her parents house as daily news was starting to get out about this new rumored league. There were coaches she knew from her past, and some she hadn’t heard of that were calling and emailing her, trying to recruit her for a team that was not yet official, so she decided to sit tight before she found a new home in a new city.  _

_ It was everyone’s plan as they all awaited the announcement of the new league name and its teams and its draft.  _

_ So it wasn’t a secret or hard to figure out that Christen was in Los Angeles with her parents.  _

_ And Kelley was a smart one.  _

_ “What are you doing here?” She asked, the sadness of their broken friendship and the happiness of seeing her were pulling her in two different ways. Christen knew that she sounded disappointed that Kelley was forcing this meeting that wasn’t going to be easier than their last.  _

_ “I miss you.”  _

_ Kelley looked like she was at a loss on how to say this in another way that wouldn’t put the pressure on Christen to say it back.  _

_ “It’s better that we’re not friends.” Christen said when she walked past her to unlock the front door.  _

_ “Christen, I broke up with her.” Kelley said desperately as Christen turned the keys.  _

_ “Good. You can probably keep your job if she doesn’t say anything.” Christen offered as she opened and entered through the door.  _

_ But Kelley had stuck her foot out to prevent it from being closed all the way.  _

_ “Okay. Can I keep this friendship too??” Kelley urged.  _

_ It was simple.  _

_ “No.” _

_When Kelley’s foot slipped out of the path of the door, she attempted to close it again , but this time Kelley was  putting her whole body in between the door and the frame. _

_ “I broke up with her.” Kelley reiterated.  _

_ “Congratulations.” Christen said with a shrug.  _

_ “You didn’t want to me to be with her. So there. I’m not with her.” Kelley challenged.  _

_ “What you do with your college girlfriend isn’t my business.” _

_ “She’s not my girlfriend anymore.” _

_ “Okay? And what did you come here for? To tell me that you did that for me? Cuz I thought we established months ago that we were going to have no interest in each other’s lives. You love her, then keep her.” Christen said.  _

_“I don’t get you!” Kelley almost punched a wal l._

_ “You were mad at me because you said you cared about me and me losing the only job I can get. Now you’re telling me that you don’t care about me??”  _

_“Yeah basically.” Christen said, choosing to not look at Kelley when she said that. She just repeated  Kelley’s coldness that she had shown Christen the last time they had spoken. _

_ “Why are you doing this to me?” Kelley asked desperately.  _

_Christen hated that their relationship had come back to this point. It seemed like it had been forever ago, but really it wasn’t that long ago when she was avoiding Kelley and Kelley was asking Christen questions that she didn’t want to answer. This time around they were broken friends instead of exes,  but for a second it felt like there really wasn’t any difference. _

_“Why can’t you just give me another chance? You never let me- w hy are you ignoring me?”_

_ “Because I’m SO good at it, right Kelley?” Christen asked. Her eyes were as vicious as her words.  _

_“I didn’t come here to fight with you.” Kelley urged when she grabbed Christen’s hand and brought her closer. “I came here to tell you you were right and I miss you and I DON’T WANT TO HAVE YOU OUT OF MY LIFE AGAIN!”_

_This is why Christen wanted to avoid Kelley. She didn’t want to talk about this. She didn’t want to relive those times. She didn’t want to admit that she missed Kelley too, even though she vowed, literally vowed , to not ever let Kelley hurt her again.  Her resolve  to protect herself  was unwavering most of the time, but there moments when Kelley got right to that spot in her heart that she used to have.  And she threatened to disarm all that Christen had built to survive. _

_ “I don’t want to lose you again.” Kelley said adamantly. “I get that my relationship with a player wasn’t the best Thing to do. But I didn’t feel so lonely when I was with her, but after our fight-“ _

_Christen didn’t want Kelley to continue. They were getting really close to a line being crossed.  And if they did, Kelley was going to colonize that sweet spot of Christen’s heart. She wanted to get out of Kelley’s grasp. _

_“I don’t want to do this again. You mean too much to me for this to go on this long.” Kelley said as she started getting close to Christen’s face. _

_It had been a very long time since she’s let Kelley in this deep and so close and she was reminded on the residual power Kelley had over her. _

_“If she means something to you, then I’m not going to stand in the way.” Christen said, her eyes trying to hide the fact that she was already breaking in front of Kelley. _

_“You mean more to me than her.” Kelley said softly as she was getting closer. Christen knew that Kelley knew that she was tearing down some walls. _

_ “Kelley…” _

_It was getting painful . Either way this went was going to be painful.  . _

_ To resist AND to surrender, was painful.  _

_ “I love you.” _

_ Christen hasn’t heard Kelley say that to her in years. Not like she said it now.  _

_She felt Kelley’s hand on the back of her head, bring ing her  even  closer. _

_“ And you’re still mine.”_

_She had no chance to refute. Even if she did, it would have been a lie if she told Kelley that after all this time, she wasn’t  hers . Christen’s lack of response gave  Kelley the permission to kiss her and  undo all that had been done to build Christen up again for the past three years. _

_ :: _

_It had been hours that had gone b y, but Kelley felt like she had gotten to Christen’s place and blinked and now she was standing in the doorway of Christen’s bathroom ’, looking at Christen clutch the blanket around her naked body in one hand, and Kelley’s phone in the other. _

_ “You said you were broken up.” _

_ Kelley could see the preview of the message her girlfriend had sent, lighting up the screen. Christen hadn’t opened it, but she could imagine that the three lines in the preview were the reason Christen had her expression she had.  _

_ “We are. I mean she knows we are breaking up.” _

_ Kelley could see Christen starting to close her off.  _

_“No! She knows it’s over between us!” Kelley said when she crossed the distance between them and toke the phone out of Christen’s hand and threw it back on the bed. As she stood over her, Kelley could see how small Christen was. It looked like she had just broken her heart again. _

_“Well then why is she still texting you talking about  your dinner date tomorrow?” Christen didn’t even challenge Kelley. It was like she was actually showing her that she had hurt her. _

_ “Because I was going to end it then-“ _

_ “So you’re not broken up with her?” Christen asked. But she didn’t ask it like she didn’t already know the answer to that question.  _

_“We’re over. She knows it we’ve talked about how it’s not working already. We were planning on making it official Tom orrow after we talked it -“_

_ “So you’re not broken up with her?”  _

_ “Christen.” _

_ She got on her knees while she looked up at Christen who was sitting on her bed, looking the worse she’s ever seen her. Christen looked so embarrassed to be naked underneath her bedsheets while Kelley was in the room.  _

_ “It is over between us.” She said slowly and with purpose. If she fucked this up again, and neglected to recognize the seriousness of Christen’s heartbreak, she would never see her again.  _

_“We both have talked about it . We both are ending it.” She said as she held on tight to Christen’s hand that wasn’t clutching to her blanket. _

_ “I didn’t lie to you.” _

_Christen face slowly and torturously morphed into disgust. _

_ “You did. That text doesn’t sound like she knows you’re breaking up.” Christen turned the phone around.  _

_She read aloud: ‘ love you and I’ll see you tomorrow when you get back from your trip’_

_ “It’s not what you-“ _

_ “You haven’t broken up with her.” Christen said strongly. “Regardless of its really over or not, you lied to me.” _

_ Kelley looked down at their hands. Christen was still letting her hold it, but she knew that the reality was the Christen was letting her go. For real this time.  _

_“You’re the easiest person to fall for, Kelley O’Hara.” It didn’t sound like a compliment.  It sounded like Christen was disappointed in herself._

 

%%

 

Christen was hoping that she would have the discipline to stay still. There were so many aluminum cans in the bag she has holding, so she knew she had to be extra careful.

But of course, Christen couldn’t stay still. She had to peak around the corner to see if Erin was doing what Christen was hoping she wasn’t.

_ Shit.  _

Erin was.

_ Fuck me. _

In order to allow Kelley to walk Alex home without making her family suspicious, Christen had accompanied the duo outside. Christen would throw the trash away, while Kelley crossed the street with her scooter, and Alex walked next to her.

Christen wished that she could wave her arms around to get their attention to warn them that Erin was watching them, but she had these noisy bags in her hand and she helplessly watched Kelley give Alex a passionate kiss goodbye, one that Erin would never forget the sight of.

_ Fuck.  _

All their work and deceit were for nothing. The gig was up.

She heard Erin say quietly, ‘are you fucking kidding me?’ Before she heard the door open and then close again.

Christen waited for five minutes to pass until she went back inside the house. It looked like Kelley and Alex were going to take awhile with their goodbyes. And she didn’t want to be the one to tell Kelley what had just happened.

 

**

 

Apparently,  she didn’t need to.

For the past few days, Erin has failed to say one word about what she witnessed.

While Kelley rested on the couch for her last few days that she had to stay off her feet with no knowledge of What Erin witnessed, Christen had been nervously biting her nails for a confrontation with Kelley’s family.

But Erin’s behavior hadn’t changed.

So for now, she wouldn’t worry about a bomb that hasn’t exploded. Yet.

 

++

 

“So can you tell me about your hand?”

Christen asked when Tobin had put her beer bottle down onto the table and put her left hand into the pocket of her jacket.

She asked it so that Sam and Nikki wouldn’t be able to hear, even though they were talking to some other people at this bar.

“It hurts.” Tobin said with a smirk.

“I know, dummy.” Christen said softly. “Can you tell me why it hurts?”

Tobin chuckled. She took her left hand out from her jacket and looked down at it.

“Ever heard of a boxers fracture?”

Christen hadn’t.

“Nope. But I think I can put two and two together. Who’d you punch?”

“My dad.” Tobin said with a nod.

Christen didn’t know what to say so she kept quiet. She knew this hand was going to be a product of something serious, but she didn’t anticipate it would be this serious.

“We get a long now. It was a long time ago.” Tobin said with a reassuring nod.

Christen grabbed Tobin’s left and held it gingerly with her own. Now that she was looking at it up close, it did look a little different that her other hand.

“It was more like a boxers break.” Tobin said.

“Bones were all out of whack and I just never got it looked out till sometime after college or something like that.”

“Why didn’t you get it looked at??” Christen asked in disbelief.

“Because I was a self proclaimed martyr?” Tobin said with a chuckle. She knew that her teenager self was an idiot.

“I got surgery later on, like maybe three years ago. But I got some straight up shitty arthritis already.” Tobin said, like it was no big deal.

“It gets a lot of shots. But the little dude is fine.” Tobin said when Christen started to gently trail her fingers over the palm of Tobin’s defunct hand.

“This is all from one punch years ago?!”

Tobin shrugged. “It’s not a big deal.”

“Can I…” Christen didn’t finish her sentence when she started to lightly massage Tobin’s injured hand. She kept going when Tobin didn’t object.

It felt intimate.

She was glad that she had managed to get one night away from the O’Hara’s and be able to do what she was doing now. She held onto it the whole night.

“What happened with your dad?” She asked.

Tobin sighed.

“Story for another time?”

 

%%

 

They were five houses down from Kelley’s, and Christen really didn’t want to leave.

“Nah. I don’t want you when you’re paranoid like this.” Tobin said with a chastising smile.

“I’m not blaming you. I’m just telling you.” Tobin said before she kissed her.

Christen understood.

She finally let go of Tobin’s hand before she got outta the car and watched Tobin drive off.

Christen slowly made the trek back to Kelley’s house. She wanted to remember what that handheld felt like. Tobin was different than anyone else. And Christen couldn’t shake the small feeling that she might have met someone who was an even easier person to fall for than Kelley.

She was so lost in her thoughts that she didn’t even realize that Erin was outside with the recyclables bin in her hand, staring at her.

“Are you and my sister even in a relationship?”

 

**

 

 


	9. Play to Lose

It was news that Christen would have to process for both herself and Kelley. She really didn’t know how she was supposed to have a clear mind to make a decision within the coming weeks, AND prep her best friend for the news. Sammy and Tobin were right in that the option that created the most distance between her current obligation of taking care of Kelley, and her career seemed to be the most logical. And the one that paid the most. The fact that she was thinking about foregoing this opportunity was a little ridiculous when it came down to the amount of pay.

But Christen didn’t know how she was going to sell this to Mrs. O’Hara or the rest of the clan. She knew that mother and daughter were going to be the ones most affected by her decision to play in a far away land.

And Christen had just come back from a meeting with her agent, who had just informed her of the impending deadline for her answer.

Christen bit her nails as she opened the front door of Tobin’s place.

“Oh look, it’s Christen Pressss. With four S’s.”

Christen slowly put her keys down as she observed Kelley looking intently at the four fingers on her hand that she had put up. Her concentration level on her digits were so high that it almost seemed like her eyes were crossed as they tried to analyze the significance of the four fingers she was holding up.Right next to Kelley was a slouching Tobin with red eyes and a big smile on her face and an Xbox controller in her hand.

“Hey…” Christen said, trying hard to contain the chuckles she wanted to emit at this very funny sight.

“I think it’s Press with two S’s.” Tobin said really slowly when she turned back to Kelley.

Kelley looked like she was thrown even deeper into her thoughts as she slowly put down two fingers.

“It’s with three.” Christen said with a small smile aimed at the both of them as she walked closer to the pair and tried to decide if she should be mad at them for partaking in this activity without her. They both knew that Christen would be out for awhile since she was meeting with her agent, and she wondered if they had deliberately waited until Christen was gone to smoke. She suspected that this was going to happen when Kelley perked up at the mention of a vape pen Tobin used sometimes before she painted. And Christen knew that Kelley KNEW that Christen wouldn’t be the happiest about it. They didn’t have the best of memories when it came to that.

So Christen could be mad at Kelley and Tobin’s intentional timing, or she could enjoy this hilarious exchange with the two people she cared very deeply for. Especially now that Kelley seemed to be doing it so that she could connect to Tobin, per Christen’s wish.

She decided she would chastise them later. Kelley wouldn’t be able to understand her lecture right now.

Especially because right now Kelley looked so surprised. Her mouth was wide open, and her eyes were bloodshot.

“I’ve been spelling your name wrong this WHOLE time.”

Christen sat in between the two of them and made them scoot apart.

“Hi.” Tobin said quietly. She had a shy and submissive demeanor that Christen found adorable. Tobin laid her head on Christen’s shoulder.

“Hi.” Christen said softly with a smile back. She let the woman hold onto two of her fingers when she cast aside the Xbox controller.

Christen turned her head around at the sound of crunching.

She could see Kelley furiously munching on some Doritos that she was sure Alex had brought over earlier in the day before she went to work.

“Kell, don’t eat so fast.” Christen warned her gently. “You’re gonna choke on them. And they’re bad for you.”

“Aww!” Kelley pouted when Christen had taken them away swiftly. But it was going to be hard to keep food away from someone with the munchies.

Tobin was put in charge of picking a movie on Netflix to watch, while Christen went upstairs to grab a blanket. And within that time, Kelley had been unsupervised and had found a box of Saltines. The freckled woman slowly chewed on the crackers in defiance when Christen narrowed her eyes at her. Christen decided to concede on this one. Especially since Kelley turned back to her sweet self when she offered Christen a cracker.

Halfway through the movie Christen had gotten up to make them popcorn and when she returned she could see that neither of them had moved in an inch. They had identical postures as they both leaned back and had their mouths slightly open, their eyes glued to the screen.

“Having a good time?” Christen asked the both of them. They both nodded at her as she chuckled and sat down in the middle with the popcorn bowl in her lap.

“Oh. Sweet.” Tobin said before she started grabbing the popcorn at a really quick rate, and Kelley continued to chew on her saltines.

“Kell, you want some?”

Kelley slowly turned to her, her delayed reaction was making her state of mind obvious. Christen had to ask the question again. Kelley turned her eyes back to the screen.

“Did you just make that bowl for Tobin?” She asked quietly as she slouched even more into her seated position.

“No, champ. It’s for you, too.” Christen said softly.

“Do you promise?”

Christen could see a childlike fear in Kelley’s bloodshot eyes. It seemed to deviate from Kelley’s usual behavior when she was stoned. Christen never encountered the look of fear back when they were in college. All she used to get from a stoned Kelley was an overbearing asshole that would say all the right things just a little too late.

“No promises O’Hara, I’m like halfway done.” Tobin said through a mouth full of popcorn. She started throwing them up in the air to try to get them to land in her mouth.

Christen tried to decipher the meaning behind the fear in  Kelley’s face.

“I don’t want any.” Kelley quietly said after a few seconds of deliberation.

Christen got up and got a small bowl from the kitchen that she used to scoop a small amount from the big bowl for Kelley to eat. She handed the small bowl to Kelley, and Tobin got the big bowl and put it to her mouth so she could consume the last of the popcorn like it was a bowl of soup.

“I wanted the big bowl.” Kelley said slowly. Christen rolled her eyes. Now Kelley was just messing with her. So in an effort to cease her best friend’s pettiness, she threw in a handful of Doritos into the small bowl. Kelley slowly accepted the bowl and ate the kernels and chips one by one. When Christen sat back down she noticed the way Kelley’s attention never turned back to the movie as she slowly ate through all the popcorn that she was staring at.

“You okay, Kell?” Christen asked.

But Kelley never answered. At one point she had made an awkward shift in position when she was halfway through her bowl. Kelley had shifted so that her knees swung closer to Christen, and she put her head down on the back cushion so that her head hovered right where Christen’s shoulder was.

Christen noticed the way Kelley’s body got very tense, and then moved away from the two of them altogether. Kelley retreated within herself and she looked confused. Christen’s questioning stare did nothing to get any answers from her. In Christen’s opinion, Tobin must have had some different kind of stuff that was making Kelley act weirder than usual.

She was glad when her best friend’s body finally uncoiled itself, and Kelley started snoring.

 “Oh shit. She’s out.” Tobin observed.

“Yeah she is.” Christen turned back to Tobin. “So why is it that you two are high right now? I don’t see any art being produced?”

Christen begrudgingly let out a small smile when Tobin kissed her.

“Just a little fun.” Tobin shrugged. “Plus it was her idea.”

“Oh. So it was Kelley’s idea.” Christen said with a cocked eyebrow and a face full of unsatisfied disbelief.

“It was!” Tobin chuckled as she defended herself.

“Why did you guys do it without me?” Christen asked with a playful pout.

“Kelley made a solid point that you might have to play really soon and she said that you’re gonna be drug tested like all the time.” Tobin stated.

Christen rolled her eyes. It was a valid argument.

“You just needed a buddy to get stoned with.” Christen gently threw back.

Tobin let out a guilty grin. She wrapped both of her arms around Christen.

“I really like her.” Tobin said softly.

“You wanna date her?” Christen asked with a smirk. But Tobin brushed off the joke with a kiss to her lips.

“I can tell why you hang around her.” Tobin said seriously before her eyes subtly flitted to the sleeping figure next to them on the couch.

Christen was intrigued. Tobin was usually very perceptive, and most of the time the things she had to say were intriguing.

But Tobin sat upright and pulled away from Christen a little and cleared her throat.

“Do you think she was tripping pretty bad at the end?” Tobin asked quietly as a way to pivot.  

“Maybe…” Christen said slowly as she turned back around to glance at her best friend who looked content in her slumber. She didn’t know how to characterize Kelley’s behavior.

“Wus that mean?” Tobin asked. Her bloodshot eyes still had some sign of comprehension as they looked for the answer in Christen’s own eyes. It was unusual and intriguing to see that from someone.

“ I don’t know.” Christen said.

“Or do you?”

Tobin smiled at her lazily.

Christen chuckled. How was she captured by this stoned Tobin that still seemed to have kept her insight while under the influence?

“I can tell why you like her.” Tobin said, repeating her statement from before, signaling that she was ready to have the conversation.

“Why is that?” Christen asked with narrowed eyes

“Because she’s like me.” Tobin said softly.

Christen couldn’t disagree more.

“You two are on the OPPOSITE side of the spectrum in literally every way.” Christen replied with a chuckle. “I don’t know where to start.”

Tobin waved her hand to dismiss the statement. “I’m not talking about personalities and all that.”

Christen waited as Tobin’s eyes got very glassy as she paused. She seemed to be really be feeling whatever it was that her and Kelley had smoked. She licked her lips because of her dehydrated mouth, a reminder that the woman was high and her state of mind was possibly clouded.

“Then what are you talking about?”

“It’s like…”

Tobin leaned over to look at the sleeping lump that was Kelley.

“It’s like…I don’t know, she’s intelligent…that’s not the word. I just mean that…she just knows.”

“Knows…what?” Christen inquired.

“She just knows.” Tobin said softly.

This time her eyes came back to focus.

“She knows instantly- like from the first moment. She just knows how long, how strong. She knows how it’s gonna end, instantly from the beginning.” Tobin stated.

“I don’t know…she just has that ability. I don’t know how to explain it but…”

Tobin looked far into her mind. And Christen was already sucked in. Stoned or not, she wanted to know.

“I’ve never met someone that thinks as much as me, until I met Kelley. You just know when you meet someone who…just knows.”

“Knows what?” Christen pushed.

Tobin shrugged. “Knows when she has, like truly has, someone spectacular.”

Christen gulped.

This could have been the weed, but she had a feeling that this was just purely Tobin. The woman scooted closer and laid a really sweet and soft on Christen’s cheek.

“I don’t know if you know this, but Kelley is well aware of what-How much you do for her and how much she needs you.” This time Tobin squeezed Christen’s hand with her injured and broken left hand. Christen didn’t know that it still had as much strength as it had.

“I think she’s just sad that YOU don’t know how much she needs you.”

Christen sat still, stunned, and silenced. Tobin was hovering very closely to her face and those words did something to her. She physically felt it.

She only moved when Tobin kissed her softly and slowly.

“I-how-What…how can you know any of that?” Christen asked. She wondered how much Tobin and Kelley really actually talked to one another when they all hung out. She didn’t think it was that much, but maybe she was wrong.

Tobin started rubbing her injured hand as she smiled to herself.

“I just know.”

 

**

 

The smile on Alex’s face was something that Kelley still wasn’t used to. Every smile seemed to be in response to the actions in the present that seemed to compensate for things not done in the past. It was a concept that Kelley still couldn’t grasp since she never thought that life would give her another chance with Alex. Life seemed to never really give Kelley another chance when it came to the women in her life.

She stood by the front door and made sure to lean on her good ankle while her eyes followed Alex’s frantic movements as she tried to look for her rogue heel that got lost in the process of her getting ready.

“Don’t make fun of me. I had it somewhere here.” Alex called out over her shoulder as she wobbled around with one of her feet strapped in a heel, and the other bare on the wooden floor of her home. Her hair was half styled, half up in bun, and Kelley could tell that she had interrupted the beautification process of Alex’s.

“I would never.” Kelley called out, knowing that it was a complete lie. She got an eye roll in response, one that she was satisfied with.  Kelley eventually sat down on Alex’s bed when it was clear that Alex was going to take more than a few minutes to find her shoe.

“Do you need any help?” She called out.

“Yeah. Can you zip me up?” Alex requested when she finally emerged from the bathroom. She was busy putting on her earrings when she showed her back to the sitting figure of Kelley, and waited to feel the sensation of the zipper being pulled up, but it didn’t come.

“Hello. Earth to Kelley.” Alex said when she turned back around.

But Kelley was silent. She was looking up at the woman before her.

“What?” Alex inquired.

Kelley looked like she wasn’t ready to answer that question. She looked like she was lost for words.

“You know you shouldn’t go through life not saying the things you want to say.” Alex said softly.

Kelley gave a small smile back.

“You look beautiful.” She said with a solemn nod. The reverence of those words seemed to match the awestruck expression on Kelley’s face when she saw Alex in this little black dress.

“I don’t know if I’m going to get used to this.” Kelley admitted.

“I don’t either.” Alex said in agreement. She slowly and willfully crossed the space in between them and leaned down to give Kelley a kiss in order to give this nostalgic moment what it deserved. Kelleys hands found space underneath the dress to roam, and it was while before Alex could resume getting ready.

“So what’s up?” Alex asked, a little out of breath when she finally was able to regain her composure and climb out of the bed her and Kelley had found themselves in for half an hour.

“Nothing. I just wanted to spend time with you while you got ready.” Keley said when she smoothed down the front of her t-shirt.

“C’mon. Really.” Alex said with a raised eyebrow. Kelley never had the patience to sit still and watch Alex get ready for their high school parties back in the day.

Kelley sighed.

“What did you do?” Alex asked when she started to re-do her makeup that had melted off from the sweat of what she was doing with Kelley seconds ago.

“Why do you assume I did something?” Kelley asked with a chuckle.

“O’Hara. It’s always your fault. We both know that.” Alex said with a smirk.

Even though Kelley could admit that the statement was true most of the time, it still didn’t stop her from resisting the notion. She wanted to be stubborn even though she knew deep down it was useless.

“Did you have a fight with Christen?”

Kelley crossed her arms.

“Ah. So you did.” Alex said as she reapplied her lipstick.

“I didn’t.” Kelley said with a sigh. “I just got some things to think about.”

“Isn’t the problem that you think way too much?” Alex countered.

“Fine. Yes” Kelley said with a playfull eye roll. She didn’t know how she was such an idiot when it came to solving her own problems. She didn’t know how everyone else could see the problem and the solution so clearly from afar, while she flailed around only to quicken her demise in the quicksand of her problems.

“What’s the problem?” Alex asked Kelley softly this time. It was time for the jokes to subside, and the substance arise.

“Why can’t I ever say what it is that I’m supposed to say?” Kelley asked.

“Well what is it that you want to say to her?” Alex inquired as she put her jewelry and bracelets on.

“I don’t know…” Kelley wracked her brain. There were just so many things to choose from. “why couldn’t I tell you all the things I should have told you?”

Kelley watched as Alex thought the question over while she applied her mascara.

“What is something you’d like to tell her?” Alex asked instead of answering the question. Kelley had a feeling that Alex knew the answer to Kelley’s question, but chose not to give it.

“I don’t know, the usual? Like how important her friendship is to me. How much I love her, want to keep her in my life? Just stuff like that. Things I could never tell you.” Kelley said defeatedly.

“Is it really ‘the usual’ if you don’t ever say it?” Alex asked softly. She ran her fingers through Kelley’s hair and then framed her face while she tried to really see if Kelley understood the power of her response.

Kelley nodded. She understood.

The silence and the tension seemed like the only way to cut it was to go for round two, but the clock as ticking and Kelley knew that it was her fault that Alex was going to be late.

“I’ll walk you out to your car?” Kelley suggested, her eyes never leaving Alex’s.

“I’d love that.”

Kelley didn’t want Alex to leave the house looking that good, but time had taught her that if a girl wanted to leave, all you could do was hope that she would come back. She gave Alex a kiss (after she made sure that no one from her house was watching them), and a smile as she got into the driver’s seat.

“Have fun.” Kelley said.

Alex smiled in response. It was that smile that Kelley wasn’t going to ever get used to. It felt new.

She watched as Alex backed out of her driveway and then drove away. Kelley gingerly walked on her feet to the end of the driveway and watched the wheels of Alex’s car get smaller and smaller.

As she stood there, Kelley thought about all the women that have left her, and all the women she spent her life hoping would come back.

 

**

 

Christen had gotten so excited. Her body was charged. There seemed to be hope on the horizon when she received the email that had the high dollar figure that Sweden was offering for her to play for the season. And the first person she wanted to tell was Tobin. For a reason she was too afraid to think about, it was Tobin. Maybe she would tell Kelley and Sammy later.

But she headed to the coffee shop on fourth that Tobin had spent her last week at, touching up the  mural on the walls for the customers to see.

Christen wasn’t surprised to know that the owners closed it down for a few days for Tobin to do her thing. Her art was amazing. And it was worth it. 

“Hey Tobin, I’ve got some great-“

Christen paused when she saw that Tobin was not alone.

“Oh hi.” The woman next to Tobin said.

Christen greeted this stranger back with a wave of her hand.

“Chris this is B. She’s the daughter of the couple that owns this place.” Tobin said as she put some distance in between them.

They exchanged their pleasantries, all while Christen was trying hard to hold in the jealousy. She could tell by the body language of the two women in front of her, Christen’s arrival had interrupted something, and she was trying to not go mad at the thoughts of what that something was. 

“Well I gotta go but it was nice meeting you Christen.”

Christen gave a smile back when the woman left. The sound of the front door to the shop was the only sound the two of them heard in the next 20 seconds when Tobin turned to resume her work.

“Are you okay?” Tobin asked when she looked up from her painting.

“Did I…did I interrupt something?” Christen asked. She could feel the hair in her ponytail brush quickly across her back because her neck jerked to the side. She was fully aware of the accusation she had just put out in the universe.

Tobin put down her brush. She stood up from her seat slowly and came closer. She laid her elbows onto the counter where the register was.

“Why are you asking me that in that way?” Tobin asked quietly.

“Because I think I already know the answer.” Christen stated.

Tobin nodded as she processed that response.

“Well the answer to your question is yes.” Tobin said simply. Christen knew that already.

“But my next question is gonna be: why are you upset?” Tobin asked with curiosity.

“I think it’s pretty obvious.” Christen said. She held her ground.

“It’s not.” Tobin said gently.

“As someone who is so intuitive to my thoughts, you’re acting like a real dumbass right now.” Christen said. Her jaw was set. Her heart was broken already, but the remains of it put her guard up.

Tobin shook her head and chuckled. She walked around the bar to get even closer.

“Kelley.” Tobin said. Like it was the only thing she needed to say to put this to bed.

“What about her?” Christen retorted.

“Everything.”

 “She’s my friend. You know my history with her, and you know all that shit because I told you.” Christen said strongly.

“Okay?” Tobin asked. She shook her head. She didn’t understand.

“I don’t know about her.” Christen pushed as she pointed at the door which was the last spot she saw the daughter of the owners of this place..

“And there’s no need.” Tobin said right back.

Christen scoffed. She couldn’t believe any of this. When Tobin reached to grab her hand she retreated it quickly.

Why couldn’t she meet someone who was faithful?

It seemed like Tobin finally got the message when Christen backed away from her.

“Chris…” Tobin looked at her.

“You’re not mine.” Tobin said gently.

Those words stung.

“You’ve made that clear from the beginning. And I thought the reason you kept me in the mix was because you wanted my friendship.” Tobin explained.

“You’re right. I’m NO ONE’S.” Christen forcefully stated. The anger was tearing again.

“I didn’t mean it like th- I’m just saying that I like you so much and I feel so connected to you-“ Christen wanted the walls around her heart to be strong as Tobin got closer and closer.

“But that connection between you and I is there because I know what’s going to happen. I know who you’re gonna end up with at the end of this story. I know who you really love.” Tobin said as she put her hand on Christen’s waist.

Christen just listened to those words. She didn’t repel the touch, but she didn’t welcome it either.

“And also, I’m not judging you for that being the case. You’re right. I do know your thoughts. And that’s one thing that I have that Kelley doesn’t.” Christen could feel the walls shaking. Her body tensed as Tobin’s voice got softer.

“The reason you and I are…you and I. The connection is so STRONG. I hope that you agree. I’ve never been connected to someone as much as I have you.” Tobin stated. Christen nodded to admit. It was not an admission she wanted to make after walking in on what she had just walked in on, but she had to.

“The connec- the reason you like me- why you like me more than any others… you like me so much because I KNOW how it ends. And I know where Kelley stands. And I want to be around you because I feel like you’ve never met someone who knows and understands that. I’m not going to punish you for that like you do to yourself everyday.”

Christen had never had someone talk to her like this. The words were piercing and honest, yet soft and loving. They were telling her what a bad person she, while at the same time justifying her behavior.

“And quite honestly, I selfishly want to be the better one for you in giving you the honesty Kelley never gave you.”

Christen didn’t want to hear this but she couldn’t escape. It was always so hard to escape Tobin’s words.

The woman in front of Christen sighed. She sat down on the closest chair.

“Your relationship with Kelley is based on the things you didn’t say.” Tobin said strongly.

“And I want our relationship to be about things I don’t want to, but I am going to say. Because it needs to be said. And you have to realize that. You can’t be mad at me for talking to someone else.”

Christen’s mind eventually caught up with all the words. She gulped.

“So…you don’t…you don’t want to have something with me?” Christen asked, even though she didn’t think that she could handle more grief.

“I HAVE something with you. I-I have never had something with someone like this so fucking quickly.” Tobin responded.

“But what I have with you is not what you have with Kelley. IM NOT wanting you to silently resent me for a decade for seeing someone else because I KNOW that there will always, always be someone else when it comes to you.” Tobin said painfully.

Those words weren’t fair to Christen. They sounded like they must be true but she didn’t think it was. She wanted to go against logic. And she could tell by the face of Tobin that they disagreed.

Christen didn’t want to, but she started crying. She felt weak. It was too much. Kelley was throwing her for a whirlwind and so was Tobin.

“I like you.” Christen pleaded.

Tobin looked like it was her turn to be heartbroken.

“I like you too, Chris.” Tobin said.

“I don’t like Kelley like that. Not anymore.” Christen said.

But it looked like nothing was going to convince Tobin of that.

“That’s not fair. You’re already writing me off.” Christen pushed. She moved closer when Tobin grabbed her hand to put it to her own cheek. She could see that it was Tobin’s hand that was holding her there.

“I don’t. Chris…I don’t have the strength to chase you. Look at me, I’m broken.” Tobin said when she moved her hand to display.

“I’m not going to chase something I’m not going to catch.” She said.

“But I want you to.”

Christen knew the logic that wasn’t there. She knew that it wasn’t a demand she could make of ANYONE. But she made it anyways. Christen knew that they’ve never talked about the exclusive nature of their relationship, but now seemed like the best time. And as she stood there looking at Tobin, she realized that she wanted it be exclusive, and only exclusive. Tobin looked like Christen had just driven a knife to her heart.

She grabbed Christen’s other hand and put it so that Christen’s hands were holding Tobin’s face.

“You’re going to be gone. You’re going to be in Sweden for who knows how long.” Tobin stated. Christen sighed in disappointment that she was going to let yet another person down for picking her career.

“I want you to go. I don’t want you to stay here.” Tobin reassured her. “Your career deserves that. It’s a game you’re supposed to be playing.”

Christen wanted to protest.

“But this. Us. Kelley.This isn’t a game I wanna play. I’m not gonna play to lose, Chris.”

 

++

 

Christen knew that Kelley could tell that she was more subdued than usual. Tobin’s conversation with her was still swirling in her head.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.” Christen said. Kelley’s whole family was walking around the kitchen to set everything up and she didn’t want to have this conversation with an audience.

Kelley kissed her on the cheek and whispered to her, “Can you tell me later?”

She nodded. She found some comfort in the possessive way Kelley pulled her chair next to hers so that their knees were bumping and Kelley could lay her hand onto Christen’s thigh while the other shoved family dinner in her mouth.

Christen was still so mad at the presumptions Tobin made about her relationship with Kelley, so she found some twisted satisfaction that at least someone acted like they wanted to be with her. She was feeling all sorts of insecurity, and even though Kelley’s behavior was to indulge in their charade for her mother, it felt nice to be wanted.

“So you two haven’t been fighting, it’s a miracle.” Karen said. It earned some chuckles. All but one appreciated it. Christen could feel her laughter die down when she met eyes with Erin. She was thankful that Kelley changed the subject to her upcoming rehab that she was going to do.

Christen shot her eyes back down instantly. She felt ashamed. She couldn’t look at Erin.

“So I’m glad that you’re going to be going to have a buddy in Christen when it comes to your rehab. You were a nightmare when you had to do it all alone.” Erin said.

“Yeah.” Kelley said when she looked back at Christen with a smile just meant for her.

“She’s decided that she wants to keep me around.” Kelley said thoughtfully and thankfully. Christen was still trying to get used to sweet Kelley and to stop being afraid that she was going to lose her at some point.

“I’ll always want you to be around.” Christen said quietly. She meant it. It was meant for Kelley and only Kelley, so it was possible that no one else heard it.

Kelley looked like she would treasure those words.

“Well I meant it when I said she’s the only one that’s actually made you happy.” Erin said with a wave of her fork when she smirked at Kelley.

Christen could tell that even though Erin was looking at Kelley, Erin was sending Christen a message. And her message was that she didn’t approve of the charade that Christen had to reveal to her two weeks ago. She knew Erin would keep the secret of her knowledge, even from Kelley, but Erin wasn’t going to hide how she felt about all of this. Her disapproval of Kelley’s relationship with Alex and Christen’s with Tobin was palpable.

“She does make me happy.” Kelley responded her eyes still hadn’t left Christen’s face.

 

++

 

When Christen was coming back from the restroom so that she could help Kelley’s parents clear up the dinner table, she stopped in her tracks at the sight of Erin standing there, waiting for her.

“I’ll stop after I say this. My sister loves you.” Erin said in a low tone so that no one else could hear her chastise Christen.

“There’s only so much time left before the it guys have gone too far out to fix things.” Erin said.

“Erin.” Christen sighed. “Your sister and I…”

She didn’t know what she was going to say.

“Can pretend to love other people, heck you can REALLY love other people, but you know that Kelley is yours.”

“She’s not mine, Erin. “ Christen said strongly.

“I have been swooned and I’ve fallen for Kelley time and time again, but I don’t have her. I never really do, not fully. She always one foot out the door- whether it be to go up to her little place in the clouds, or to find comfort in someone else. I HAVE NEVER HAD HER.” Christen said, the frustration from the day boiling up to the surface.

She’s never said those words before. She’s never admitted it before. Back in the day her friends would gossip with Christen till the sun rose in the morning and talk about how Christen and Kelley would always find their way back to each other, but she’s never ever verbalized out loud that it was really just a lie or a fantasy that she thought was written for the both of them.

And she didn’t’ know that Erin O’Hara, the sister who has never really talked to Christen before, would be the one to make Christen say it. Christen’s anger with the audacity of Kelley’s sister AND tobin was making her angry.

“You have ALWAYS had her.” Erin pushed back. “You just never let her walk back in. She’s been knocking all this fucking time, Chris. Trust me, I know.” Erin said before she walked past her.

Christen wondered how Erin knew that.

 

++

 

_“Are you okay?”_

_Christen took off the mask that was supposed to complete her costume of a slutty cat. The mask was the only thing she had left to hide herself from everyone because of her embarrassment. Alli convinced her to get it because she said something about her abs, but now she was cringing when she spotted Kelley at the party, looking at her._

_The look on Kelley’s face worried her enough for her to get rid of her security blanket._

_“Yeah. I’m good.” Kelley said when she backed away a little from Christen and stuffed her hands into her pockets. She didn’t look at her straight on._

_“why don’t you have your costume?” Christen asked. She could tell that Kelley was trying to avoid her. She could tell because Kelley always got weird when she did this. She would strangely hover around Christen and the subject in a sort of way to apologize for what she was about to say._

_Christen could already tell that Kelley was dreading to tell Christen what she was going to tell her._

_“I forgot it.” Kelley said as she shrugged._

_“Yeah?”_

_Christen didn’t really want to know about Kelley’s costume. She gulped down the rest of her beer, and then wiped her mouth with her forearm. She was going to need alcohol for this._

_“Yeah.” Kelley said quietly._

_Christen looked at her for a long time. Long enough for Kelley to realize that this wasn’t going to be easy, and Christen was going to make it harder._

_Christen shook her head in disapproval of what was about to happen before she quickly walked away. This was when she made things difficult._

_And she felt like it was something she deserved to do. Kelley deserved this hardship that was going to come this way if she was about to do what she was going to do._

_Christen didn’t wear her mask for the rest of the night. She wanted Kelley to know that she knew Kelley was looking at her. She saw every time Kelley’s looked away when Christen’s realized she was staring. And she wanted Kelley to know that Kelley would have to be the one to initiate this._

_Which Kelley eventually did. It took her the whole night._

_It had to be three in the morning when Alli’s house full of 50 or so people had dwindle down to ten, all in the garage, when Kelley eventually got the courage._

_Christen had left her beer pong game that she was in the middle of to go and get herself another beer from the kitchen. She made her way to the kitchen and selected her beer carefully because it was going to be the last one for the night. She cranked it through the bottle opener and made her way back._

_But she didn’t make it that far._

_Kelley was sitting on the stools by the mini bar that was close to the garage. She must have followed Christen very quietly because her best friend’s appearance startled her._

_Kelley was looking down at her nails while she had her feet up on another barstool._

_“Do you want one?” Christen asked without looking at her._

_“Please.”_

_She brought over another one and found the courage to look at Kelley this time. Christen hovered by her, looking down at her friend who was sitting down, looking intently at the bottle in her hand._

_“How are you?” Kelley asked._

_“You know how I am.”_

_Kelley finally looked up at her. Her brow furrowed._

_“What does that mean?”_

_“It just means…you know how I am.” Christen said. Kelley knew what that meant. Christen looked around to see that no one was in the house._

_“I’m not following.”_

_“You know me. You know how I am. You’re just one of those people that knows my soul- you just know- you know me.”_

_Kelley could tell that Christen was trying to make this hard. It wasn’t a hard task to do so. Because this was hard, and it’s only been done once before._

_“What have you been up to?” Kelley asked. She was going to stall the inevitable. Christen let her. She talked about her season, she talked about her friends, she talked about things that didn’t really matter but Kelley probably would have wanted to know back in the day. All while she spoke, Christen was waiting for what was to come._

_She was a more drunk in this hour then when she first realized what Kelley wanted to say. So Christen grabbed Kelley’s hand._

_“I miss you.” Christen said. “I really fucking miss you.”_

_“I miss you too.” Kelley said with all her heart. It was a last declaration that she wanted get out._

_“I love you.” Christen said softly. She tucked some hair behind her ears. “I really do.”_

_“You’re just one of those people. I love you.” This time it was Christen’s turn to plea out a declaration._

_“I love you too.” Kelley said._

_Neither of them knew how long they just stared at each other because it felt like forever._

_And then this time it was Christen that was the one to break._

_“Please don’t.”_

_She wanted to use all that she had left to stop this from happening. So she closed the distance._

_She had made it so far that she had her forehead on Kelley’s, before Kelley finally did it._

_“If I wasn’t with her.”_

_If she wasn’t with her._

_Christen sighed. She then tried to brush it off with a chuckle. But that wasn’t successful._

_“Christen. I love you-“_

_“Yeah.”_

_She had put herself upright and she wanted to walk away, but Kelley’s hold on her hand was strong._

_“Just tell me that it’s you that wants this. Not her.”_

_Her best friend looked away._

_Christen scoffed. She guessed it didn’t really matter because even if it was her girlfriend that told Kelley to do this, Kelley agreed to it. Kelley agreed to cut Christen out of her life by request._

Are you not strong enough to fight for me?

_“Fine.”_

_Christen tried to wriggle her hand free so she could leave._

_ButKelley wouldn’t let her._

_“I’m literally giving you what you want!” Christen cried. But she didn’t look at Kelley._

_“Just let me go.”_

_“Chris…”_

_“Don’t make this harder!” She breathed. Goodbyes were never good when it came to Kelley and her. And quite frankly, she found it ridiculous that they’ve managed to be in this situation again._

_“I got the point. Don’t make this harder. Please.” She urged._

_Kelley eventually let go. It felt like maybe that was the final give in that would signal to Christen that it was time for her to really let go of Kelley, herself._

_She slowly retreated back to the garage to join the rest of the remaining party. Anything to get away from the person that wanted her to go away._

_It had been another fifteen minutes before Christen had had enough. Kelley must have rejoined the group two minutes later than her, but Kelley was standing next to her girlfriend who seemed satisfied at the fact that Kelley had chosen her._

_Christen couldn’t go on so she mumbled a goodbye to Alli And hoped that she could slip out without much people noticing. She was successfully in giving the minimal amount of bye’s from people._

_But she wasn’t successful in avoiding one of them._

_“Christen.”_

_Why she stopped, she didn’t know. She would never know the answer to that question. But regardless of her understanding, she stopped in her tracks._

_“Can I please look at you one more time?” Came Kelley’s soft request._

_Again they found themselves alone. Christen looked down at her shoes._

_She could see her chest heaving as she looked down at her feet. She didn’t want to give Kelley what she wanted, but at the same time, one last look sounded tempting. She realized that it would be easier said than done when it came to getting over Kelley and all the pain that still resided in the blood of her broken heart._

_“Why? Why should I let you see  that?” Christen demanded, hoping that maybe Kelley could give her the answer that she failed to give the first time they’ve separated._

_Silence. No answer._

_Christen wanted to pull her hair out. She was right by door, and she should have kept walking. Because instead, she was now going to have to deal with the fact that she couldn’t stop if she went out that door, never to really return back to the person who was inside._

_“Why?” She asked again, the sadness more present._

_“I want to.” Kelley said softly._

_“Why?”_

_“Christen.” Kelley called her name to sort of chastise her. It looked like she was asking her why she would ever ask Kelley that._

_Which in Christen’s mind, was ridiculously selfish. Why did Kelley always expect her to give in? Why DID she always give in?_

_“Because you are,” Kelley gulped. She looked like she would want to think very carefully about her words._

_“You are, and always will be, the prettiest girl in the room.”_

_Christen turned to yield to Kelley and her wish._

_And then she walked out of the house to leave Kelley behind to give into her other request of the night, in walking out of her life._

_**_

“Yeah I Just was gonna tell her some good news when we had that conversation. I can’t believe that I didn’t even think about Tobin seeing other people.” Christen said bitterly.

“What was the good news?”

“Just that there’s a deal on the table. An overseas deal that’s gonna pay me a lot of money. A LOT.”

Christen saw Kelley reign in the disappointment she really felt. She saw how hard it was for Kelley to say, “You’ll do great over there. I’m happy for you.”

Christen stroked Kelley’s chin as a gesture of gratitude before she said, “I know you don’t mean it, but I appreciate it.”

She could tell by her reaction that Kelley must have already suspected that Christen was going to take a deal somewhere far away, or that Sam must have told her already. Either way, she was glad that Kelley was reacting this way.After the discovery of Tobin’s opinion on their relationship, and her confrontation with Erin, she didn’t think that she could survive anymore drama or emotional turmoil to be served her way. Quite honestly, Christen was still in a state of numbness of how fast everything was happening.

“I do Just want you to happy.” Kelley reinforced. But she nodded to admit that she wasn’t happy that Christen was most likely going to be overseas.

Christen finished wrapping the small wrap around Kelley’s ankle and she put her hand out to help Kelley slide off the bathroom counter so she that could stand back up.

But Kelley just scooted closer to edge, her legs swinging, and held Christen really tightly.

 “Tobin’s stupid for not wanting to try things with you just because of the distance.” Kelley said when she picked up her head.

Christen had given Kelley an abridged version of her last conversation with Tobin. The parts that were cut out were all those that involved Kelley. Kelley only knew that Tobin was seeing other people even though she still had feelings for Christen.

“I can’t blame her. I just wish she would choose me.” Christen said.

She could see Kelley look down at her lips and then back up at her.

The moment passed.

“How is Alex?”

“Alex is great.” Kelley said.

“Good.”

Again, she could see Kelley’s eyes travel down to her lips and then back up to her eyes.

“So what? Are you and Tobin gonna talk about it at all?” Kelley asked.

Christen shrugged. By the way her and Tobin had left the conversation, it seemed like there wasn’t gonna to be much else to talk about. Tobin had made herself very clear, and even though Christen protested profusely, it seemed like there was no changing her mind.

“But-I mean you two are still going to see each other until you leave…right?”

Christen didn’t know the answer to that question. She wished she did.

“I’m serious. Tobin’s an idiot.” Kelley said softly. “She’s cool and all, but she’s dumb. She doesn’t know when she has someone as spectacular as you.”

Usually Christen would have rolled her eyes or given Kelley a playful push as a response to her comment, but the parallel of Kelley’s and Tobin’s words were tripping her out.

She was starting to really think about the legitimacy of Tobin’s reasons for their relationship not being exclusive.

 

++

 

Kelley was actually right on track with her journey to rehabilitation. She wasn’t doing better than expected, but she wasn’t doing worse either. The weeks had passed and she was now out of the boot and the scooter had been locked up in the storage closet, hidden so that Kelley would never have to look at it again.

But regardless of the medical opinions of people Kelley ought to listen to, Christen could see that her best friend was still personally dissatisfied that she couldn’t will her ankle better.

When she was finally walking without a boot, it still wasn’t good enough because Kelley still wasn’t allowed to go the morning run of Christen’s.

“Please don’t be annoying.” Christen warned her best friend the fifth time that she had rejected Kelley’s plea that she come and join her on her run.

Kelley sat back down with her arms folded and the frown on her face could be felt by everyone in the kitchen. It was tense as the rest of her family cleared their throats and tried to pretend that this could have been another possible fight between Kelley and her “girlfriend” that they were in the middle of.

“Please don’t.” Christen said softly when she kissed Kelley on the top of her head. It was a display for Kelley’s parents, one that was becoming increasingly necessary because their daughter’s mood was making them worry that Christen was going to leave.

“But I wanna go.” Kelley pleaded. She looked up at Christen and begged one more time with her eyes that yearned for some mercy and love from her best friend.

“I’m not gonna do more than the plan.” She added.

Christen battled within herself. The chances of Kelley going back on that promise was great, but she could see how much it was killing Kelley to see Christen leave so that she could go to training for a season of hers that was in limbo. Kelley wanted to train, and Christen knew that.

“The plan says that you can walk for less than 15, Kell-“

“Then I’ll walk 14! Please! Pretty pretty please.” She begged. Kelley was desperate.

“I’ll be good, Chris!” She grabbed Christen’s hand.

Christen could feel the pressure of having all of Kelley’s family watching them. She didn’t know what the right thing to do was, but Christen was happy to see that relenting to Kelley’s pleas made Karen happy.

“Get her out of this house please I’m sick of her.” Her mom said with a smirk.

Christen’s training was set up through dawn to find some training program that Kelley used when she was home for the offseason. The facility was pretty state of the art and came with an indoor track that encircled the whole gym. Kelley promised that she would just walk the track for 14 minutes while Christen did some fitness tests with some guy that Dawn knew so that they could get a baseline for her fitness.

“I promise. I’ll be good.” Kelley said when she had this huge smile on her face when her shoes were on the track.

And for the most part, whenever Christen looked around to find Kelley, she was being good. She was walking at a moderate pace and she even struck a conversation with the other athletes in the facility who were going through their own regimen for success.

The only thing that Christen didn’t like was that when she was on a break in between sets, she looked down at her watch and it said that it had been 17 minutes in when Kelley started walking, and her best friend was still on the track, walking and talking to this woman who Kelley seemed more friendly than usual to.

Christen wiped the sweat from her face and just watched as Kelley and her new friend were rounding the corner.

Kelley could already tell that she did something wrong when their eyes met.

Christen sighed and tried to remember that this was probably not a battle to begin and she just looked back at her watch so that she could watch the time she had left on her break.

“I’m sorry.”

She turned around to see Kelley walking off the track towards her. Christen didn’t respond. It was pure pettiness on her part and she knew it deep down, but she didn’t care. Christen needed to prepare for the 300 yard shuttle she was about to test on, and she didn’t want to fight with Kelley. She saw the trainer guy that she already forgot the name of, wave her over to get the test done.

 

++

 

All throughout, she could see Kelley looking at her.

There were so many other more tests that Christen had to take, and it took more than two hours to complete. And all the while, Kelley was looking at Christen. She would see Kelley sitting down, looking at her. She would see Kelley standing up, looking at her. Anything it was, anytime and every time, Kelley was looking at her.

“Box jumps. Woohoo!”

She instantly hated this guy. She hated box jumps. Christen requested for another 15 min break, and she sat down on these medicine balls that were by her. She wiped the sweat that populated on her forehead into the strands of her ponytail and took a sip of water. Christen looked around.

It was by the TRX straps station that she spotted Kelley. Her best friend had been doing pull ups to pass the time, and Kelley was standing with the straps floating around her, looking at her.

Like before, but it was very different this time. There was a mysterious way her eyes cast down when their eyes met. It was as if she didn’t want Christen to know that she was looking at her this time.

But she did. And Christen didn’t know how she knew what was going through Kelley’s mind, but she did.

Christen hadn’t seen or talked to Tobin in over a week, and she thought that maybe the lack of being able to see her was the reason for what she did next.

Christen got up. She walked over to her best friend. Kelley looked like she was guilty. It may have been because she was working out past the 15, but by now Christen didn’t have energy to care, and it had nothing to do with her ankle.

“Hey.”

“I just did a couple.” Kelley said when she pointed at the bar that hung over their heads.

Christen nodded. She backed off being Kelley’s mother for now. She was starting to feel like maybe she should back off of it completely. It was strange, but Christen has been feeling that way for awhile. That didn’t mean that she DID back off. It was just that she was THINKING about backing off.

“Are you okay?” Christen asked.

Kelley’s brow furrowed at the soft tone of Christen’s voice.

“Yeah. I’m okay.” Kelley said. The confusion on Kelley’s face faded, but not completely. “I didn’t walk more when you saw me walk off the track.”

“I trust ya. I’m not your mom.” Christen said. She pulled the tie that was holding her ponytail out so that she redo the ponytail that was already slipping down and getting loose.

And then there. She saw the look again.

“I’m gonna do box jumps with Dave. And then a cool down and then we will go. Okay?” Christen asked. Again her tone was gentle. It was quiet so that only Kelley could hear her.

She put her hand on the forearm of of Kelley’s arm that was still grasping onto one of the straps that was by her.

Christen looked at her. And Kelley looked back.

And then the moment passed. Just like it did most of the time.

 

++

 

When it was all said and done, the tests, the breaks, and the cool down, Christen finally took a deep breath. She said bye to Dave, who managed to get on her good side by the end of it all because he had offered his opinion on the bullshit US Soccer was pulling with her career.

Then she looked around to find Kelley. She wasn’t on the track, nor in any of the surrounding offices. Kelley wasn’t by the trx straps, nor in the weight room that was on the far end of this huge building. She could spend hours looking through this place and she wouldn’t even get to it all.

Christen went back to the station of her last test to get her stuff and her phone so that she could text Kelley. She figured she went off to find that very pretty friend of hers that was on the track with her.

When she was in the middle of typing out the text, she finally spotted Kelley. Christen our her stuff down. She could see Kelley standing, leaning on this tall stack of plyo boxes. She was standing in the middle of fifty or so stack of plyo boxes that were stored in the corner off the track. Kelley was almost completely hidden. Christen could see that Kelley must have been hiding. She usually did that when she was up in the clouds of her mind.

Christen walked over slowly.

Kelley was leaning, her arms crossed, and her eyes glued to the floor.

Christen made sure to slowly enter in this makeshift cave for Kelley to find safety in when she wanted to get lost in her thoughts. She leaned on the column of boxes straight across from her friend.

“If you get too far, I won’t be able to find you up there.” Christen said softly when she pointed up.

Kelley chuckled. She uncrossed her arms and she pushed off her leaning position, and then she finally looked up at Christen.

Christen knew what this different look that Kelley was giving her, meant. Back in the day she yearned for the sight of it ever since the first time she’s seen it. Christen braced herself when Kelley walked over her to close the distance in between them.

The distance almost didn’t exist. Kelley’s breath coated Christen’s cheek. The only reason it existed was because Christen’s hands on Kelley’s stomach, serving as the softest speed bump, were slowing down something that deserved some thought.

_You know what this does to us. Every single time._

There was no chance of anyone else really seeing them, but what they were doing felt like a secret.

Kelley gently took Christen’s hand that was on her chest and she turned it over so that her palm was face up. She kissed it.

And Christen closed her eyes and she could feel the pain of it all. The old and the familiar. She kept them closed when Kelley placed her hand on her own hip. She kept them closed when Kelley gently pushed her body against the column of boxes. And she kept them closed when she could feel Kelley’s hand on her body. One hand that traveled up to her face, and the other that traveled down to another place.

But she opened her eyes before Kelley could do this irreversible thing.

“Why?” She asked.

_Why now? Why this again? Why not before?_

And Kelley responded in the way she always did.

She kissed Christen and delivered no words and no explanation. There was never an explanation. They didn’t talk about that ever. And it was more out of habit, than actually expecting an answer, that Christen asked.

When she could feel Kelley’s mouth on her neck she laid back her head to see the ceiling of the gym, and the clouds that Kelley was still lost in.

She wondered if the reason Kelley was doing this, the reason they never spoke about, was because it was Kelley’s way of telling her she wasn’t lost anymore. That she had found her way home, and she was coming back. 

 

++

 

 

 

 

 


	10. An Idiot with an Agenda

 

 

-++

 

“Well of course. it’s what’s best for you.”

Christen relaxed a little. Karen seemed to be sad, yet understanding. It was just the two of them at the breakfast table early in the morning, but Christen was wide awake. She could feel her heart beating in her chest when she realized that this was the best time to deliver the news.

“I’ll miss you though.” Karen said with a sad smile. “I’m sure Kelley will, too.”

“I don’t want you to feel like I’m abandoning you guys.” Christen stated.

“Oh you’re not abandoning us.” The woman said with a wave to her hand.

“At least I don’t think so. But my daughter might throw a little fit.” Karen said with a smirk.

Christen reassured her that Kelley knew of the news that her best friend was going to sign the contract for her overseas deal. She relayed that she was surprised at how well Kelley was taking it, too.

“Are you sure you’re not mad at me?” Christen asked.

“You know, all jokes aside, I managed to deal with my child for 19 years before you came along and took the job from me. I think I can do it again while you’re away conquering the world for a short while.” Karen said with a wink.

“I’m hoping she’ll be sweet to you.” Christen said.

“Oh, she’s all bark, no bite. She likes to talk tough like her mother, but she’s too much of a softie.” Karen responded.

“Why are you two the way you are?” Christen asked curiously. She knew of the dynamic and she knew that Kelley really acted like a child at 30 when it came to her mom. And she also knew that no matter what Kelley said, her mother was a woman in Kelley’s life that she loved, who would never leave her. A mother would never do that.

“I know she loves you, but why is she such an asshole to you sometimes like she’s eleven years old?”

Karen chuckled.

“I’m the only person that Kelley really gets to say what she wants to say to. She doesn’t usually have that with people. She likes to say everything in her head.” Karen explained.

“But it’s funny. Because she always yells at me that I never listen to her, yet I’m the only who she actually says REAL things to. So- no- she doesn’t tell me everything. But she comes home and cries and acts like a baby when you won’t talk to her because it’s the only safe place she can actually express her emotions.”

Christen never thought of it in that way.

“Don’t get me wrong. I’ll spank her on her backside- I don’t care how old she is- if she crosses the line, but when she comes home- and usually she’s home because she needs help- I let her do what she’s going to do. I comment, and I push back, but ultimately I just let her act out on her heartbreak. Eventually it subsides.”

Christen tried to process the way of thinking applied to Kelley and her mother’s relationship.

“You know, Kelley talks to me everyday when she’s not here, right?”

Christen furrowed her brow. It was not something she knew. It was something that surprised her. If it were true, why does Kelley always seem like she doesn’t understand her mom? Why would she have to lie to her mom about her dating Christen?

“She does. I mean she will call me every once in awhile, but usually she just sends me a text or a picture at least once a day. A lot of them are pictures of you and what you guys are doing when you’re in the same city.” Karen said with a smile.

Christen wondered if that’s why Karen must have gotten the impression that her daughter and Christen were in a relationship.

“She’s even more of softie now that I know she talks to her mommy all the time.” Christen said with a smile.

“She’d never admit to it.” Karen said with a wave of her hand. “Look at how much she tries to avoid hanging out with me when she’s actually here back at home.”

“Why does she do that?” Christen asked with a disapproving shake to her head.

“You know as well as I do that when Kelley has something to say, you have to wait for her to come to you. Any other way, it’s not going to happen.” Karen said.

Christen thought about how she actually didn’t know that. She hadn’t realized that. Ever.

When they first met, Kelley seemed to have a lot to say. She was the one that approached Christen, and she gave an initial impression that she was forthcoming with her thoughts. Then after their split, Christen didn’t have enough fingers to count the number of times she had to fend Kelley off from expressing her emotions. She didn’t know what Karen meant by waiting for Kelley to come to her. 

“But you know I had a head start on you to figure that out. That’s my child, I know how ridiculous she is. And when she’s finally ready to tell you, she’ll be relentless. And she’ll try again the next day, and the next day if you didn’t hear it.” Karen said with a shrug.

“I don’t…” Christen paused. She thought things over.

_I don’t think I’ve ever waited long enough for her to be ready to tell me. I haven’t stuck around long enough._

“Oh but you know all that.” Karen said with a reassuring pat to her shoulder. “It’s why it took her a long time to tell you that she was acting all funny because of Alex when you two first broke up.”

“What do you…?”

_What do you mean? What about Alex…?_

The notion that Alex was the reason that her and Kelley broke up was still just a very likely possibility, but Karen’s comment made it a fact now, in Christen’s mind.

“I’m just glad that you’re back here though. Even if it’s just for a short time before you go out of the country, I’m glad that you two found each other again. Distance doesn’t have anything on you two.” Karen said sweetly.

Christen nodded. She didn’t know what she was signaling agreement to, but it seemed to satisfy Kelley’s mom.

Her mind got lost in her head. While Karen got up to cook the stuffing, Christen thought about if it was worth it to dig up the fossils of the origin of her and Kelley, and really demand for an answer on Alex’s involvement of their demise.

It had happened so long ago.

Was it worth bringing up when Christen and Kelley weren’t even a couple anymore?

And if Karen’s assessment was correct, wouldn’t Kelley have already told Christen about Alex involvement?

_Maybe she’s still not ready to tell me._

No. She wasn’t going to bring it up.

Regardless of the kiss that happened in the gym and wasn’t brought up again yesterday, it wasn’t worth wearing even more heartbreak that Tobin saw on her. Her and Kelley weren’t together. It wasn’t something she needed to know anymore.

Especially now that Tobin was another heartbreak she still hadn’t dealt with yet.

 

++

 

Kelley pulled her jacket around her so that it was tighter and pulled the zipper up.

She knew that it was counterintuitive to then take a swig of her ice cold beer, but she reasoned that not all of her actions had to make sense.

After all, her and her dad were sitting on the driveway in the cold, waiting for a squirrel. Not everything had to make sense.

“So, hows the ankle?” Her dad asked.

“Its good.” She responded with a shrug. Kelley didn’t feel like complaining on Thanksgiving about issues that her dad wouldn’t know how to deal with.

Actually, her ankle sucked. Kelley was out of shape, and she had only been able to walk fifteen minutes. and she felt like shit. But it was a holiday, and she didn’t think it would be prudent to be a grinch on thanksgiving. Her and her dad always waited for Chester on this day, and it was always a good time. She didn’t want to spoil it.

They both sat there with nuts in one hand, and a beer in the other, enjoying the silence that rarely existed in their home.

“Your mother told me about Christen flying out of the country.” Dan said.

“Yep.”

Kelley didn’t want to deal with that news just yet. She hadn’t processed what she had done yesterday, and she didn’t want to think about losing Christen again, even if it was just for her to go away to play for a season.

“You gonna be able to keep up with the rehab and all that?”

“I’m walking 15 minutes a day. I’ll get fit soon enough.” Kelley said with another shrug.

“Hey.”

They both looked up to see Christen smiling at the both of them.

“What’re you two crazies doing out here?” She asked.

“Feeding the animals. Wanna join?” Dan asked.

Kelley observed as Christen came over to check out the setup they had with their cooler with beers sitting between the lawn chairs the sat on, and the cups of nuts they had for their little furry friend. Kelley silently looked on as she tried to see if there was any sign of herself in Christen’s thoughts after what had happened yesterday.

Christen didn’t want to talk about it yesterday, and Kelley granted her wish. Other than letting Kelley hold her hand when they were at dinner last night, and turning over to curl into Kelley when Kelley snuck into the guest room to sleep next to Christen, there hadn’t been a sign that her best friend wanted to address their actions.

“Maybe I’ll come out when we’re done making the mashed potatoes?” Christen asked Dan. Kelley’s dad nodded.

“Cool.” Christen said.

Kelley grabbed her hand before her best friend could walk back inside.

“I love you.” She said quietly.

Christen squeezed her hand. “I love you too, O’Hara.”

She watched her best friend when she made her way into the house.

“What’s your intentions with that?” Dan asked as he fished through the ice to find himself another beverage.

“What’re you talking about?”

“That.” He said as he pointed to the door that Christen used to walk back into the house.

Kelley waited for an explanation.

“Why’d you bring her here?” Dan asked before he took a sip.

“To spend time with me cuz of my an-“

“No. Really.” Dan said.

Kelley furrowed her brow.

“Why did you bring her here?” Her dad asked again.

“Dad…do you not like Christen…?” She asked cautiously.

“Oh I love that she’s here. But you still haven’t answered my question.”

Kelley tried to shake the confusion away. She looked at her dad to solve the mystery of what it was that he wanted to know, because Kelley didn’t understand.

“I don’t- I don’t know what you’re asking.” She finally said.

“What are your intentions for bringing her here to be with your family when you’re not even dating?”

“I-I-what’re you…”

Kelley stopped her stammering. She realized that she looked like an idiot. And she didn’t know how long she’s been looked at like an idiot. Her dad was just staring at her calmly, waiting for an explanation, but Kelley could feel her walls closing in. Her mind started racing with thought of what her dad knew, how he knew, it and who else could see the fake that she really, truly was. She could try to offer a rebuttal and accuse her dad of making outrageous accusations, but by the calm demeanor he had on his face, it was clear that Dan knew that his daughter and Christen Press were not in a relationship.

“Don’t worry, your mother doesn’t know.” Dan said.

Kelley relaxed a little. But only a little. Her shoulders were still stiff.

“How do you know?” She asked.

“It’s obvious.”

_How is it obvious?_

“If it’s obvious, how come you don’t think mom knows?”

Dan shrugged. “I haven’t talked to her about it, and she seems like she’s over the moon with Christen being here. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I love having her here. She’s always more than welcome. I just wanted to know what you were up to.”

“Dad…” She sighed. Kelley downed the rest of her beer. She didn’t know what she was supposed to say, or how she was supposed to react. What did he mean by it was obvious? How did he know that the relationship was fake? Or was he just blowing smoke and the right thing should have been to call his bluff?

“How is it obvious?”

_Was it obvious that Christen was in love with someone else?_

“You look at her with a lot of fear.” Dan said. Kelley again, didn’t know what he meant.

“You act like you’re going to mess something up. You’re acting like you’re up to something. You weren’t like that when you guys were together.”

“What am I going to mess up? What are you talking about?”

“I don’t know. You tell me.” Dan countered.

“How was I when we were together? That was so long ago dad…”

“I don’t know how to describe it, other than that you weren’t miserable like you are now. And I know that you being like this doesn’t really have to deal with your ankle. There’s something else going on. You’ve…you seem really scared this time. Did you do something?”

She probably did. Or more accurately, she didn’t do anything that she should have. But she still didn’t know where her dad was going with his line of questioning.

“You seem like you legitimately think you’re gonna lose her this time. And I’m not talking about her going to Sweden. I mean, really lose her.”

Kelley gulped. She was fearful of not only what her dad was saying, but also of what he might say next.

“Am I going to?” She asked quietly. “Lose her, that is.”

“Depends on what’s going on.” Dan said simply.

So she told him about Tobin. And then she told him about what happened yesterday. And then she confirmed that it really was all a charade. And she didn’t want it to be. He listened and nodded at times. He let Kelley speak.

“But I think she really has something with Tobin.” Kelley said defeatedly.

“I think she does, too.” Dan said.

It was what Kelley was afraid to hear. She sat back in her lawn chair in defeat. Even though Dan O’Hara has never said anything about Christen and her relationship in all the years that they’ve known each other, even though he seemed like he was the last person to be the one Kelley should listen to, it seemed like it was true. Maybe it was so overwhelmingly true because it was coming from someone who knew very little about her relationship with her best friend, and it was just obvious.

“Is it obvious that she loves someone else? Someone that’s not me?”

She didn’t know why she was asking these questions. Especially that last one. That was a question she really didn’t want to know the answer to. She cracked open another beer and downed it while Dan thought over his response.

“It seems like she’s preoccupied with something else. I didn’t know that it was going to be _someone_ else, but she looks distracted.” Dan finally said.

Kelley felt like she could continue living on with that response. Even if Dan was just being nice, she would live with that answer because he didn’t say that Christen loved someone else. Because they have dated other people, and have cried about other people, and have even fallen in love with other people, but the fear was that this time, that other person was enough for one of them to really move one.

Kelley never wanted to move on. She’s made attempts at doing so, and Christen has too, but it was never something she really wanted to do. It may have been something that she _needed_ to do, but never something she wanted to do.

And after getting to know Tobin, she really didn’t want to.

“Does she still love me?” Kelley asked her dad quietly. She hoped that the answer to THAT question was obvious too.

“I think she still does, champ.” Dan said.

Kelley closed her eyes. She tried to make sure that her body showed no reaction to those words even though it was really hard to demand that of her mind. Those words meant everything. She only opened them back up when she heard the sound of a beer can being opened, and she saw that her dad was offering her another one. She took it.

“So what are your intentions with all of this?” He repeated.

“I don’t have any.” Kelley said.

“Bullshit.” He took another sip of his own.

“That’s a lie. You had some kind of reasoning in dragging her down here to lie to your mom. What was it?” He inquired.

“I don’t know-” Kelley really didn’t know the answer to that question.

“You remember when you were all hung up on Ms. Morgan over there?” Dan asked with a raised eyebrow. How could Kelley really forget?

“Do you remember when you got in trouble because we had to pick you two up from that party?” He asked, this time with an eye roll. Kelley definitely remembered that. But she didn’t know why he was bringing it up now.

“Do you remember how drunk you were?”

“Drunk enough to call mom to ask her to pick me up?” Kelley said with a smile. “C’mon I should get kudos for being so responsible.”

They debated a little about what Kelley deserved when she had lied to them about what her and Alex were going to be doing that night BEFORE deciding not to drive drunk.

“Anyways, you were so drunk that I really was surprised that you called. I figured that it must have been Alex to make that decision until we picked you up and found out that she was even more drunk than you were.” Dan said with a smirk.

“Well, what about all of that dad?” Kelley asked. “What did that have to do with anything right now?”

“You told me before you went to sleep that night that you had gotten so drunk because you were finally going to tell Alex how you felt.” Dani said softly.

Kelley never knew that she had said that.

“You were drunk, and you hadn’t come out to your mother and I just yet, so…what you said that night must have been true.”

Kelley tried to process that information.

“And when you came home a couple of week ago…you know with those red eyes and all..” Dan shook his head at her. Kelley curled into herself at the realization that her parents knew that she had smoked the other day. “I figured that you were high for a reason. It’s what you do.”

“So I smoked. It’s whateve-”

“Im telling you I know that you smoked, because its important to tell you that you tend to do stupid shit, but there’s always a reason BEHIND you doing that stupid shit.” Dan said strongly. “I don’t care if you smoke Kelley, you’re a grown ass adult.”

Kelley tried to connect all the dots in this conversation she had with her dad.

“Reason I’m proud to call you my daughter is that you do stupid shit, but you do it with a purpose. An idiot with an agenda. I love you.” He said with a smile.

Kelley smiled back.

“I’m just trying to find out what that agenda entails.” Dan said before his eyes traveled to something to the side of them.

“Oh look! Chester’s back.” Dan said excitedly.

 

++

 

_“Where have you been all night? I’ve been looking for ya.” Christen asked. Kelley was quiet and the red solo cup had been glued to her hand while she lurked in the corners all night, away from Christen._

_It had been a really good day, and Stanford had just won a really important game, and the after party was filled with people that wanted to continue feeding off the high from knowing that they were going to the college cup final. Everyone was excited, but Kelley. Christen noticed that the assistant coach seemed to be the only one not partaking in the ecstatic conversations and celebrations after the game, and even now at this party._

_She had to admit that Kelley’s behavior was worrying her. She thought that even though Kelley had her private meltdown in her office weeks ago when Christen told her about her girlfriend, that everything was okay because enough time had passed, and Kelley seemed happy and friendly enough when they were on the field._

_“I’ve been here. Chilling.” Kelley said without looking at her eyes._

_“Are you okay?” Christen asked._

_“I’m okay.” Kelley responded, still not looking her way._

_“We’re going to the ship. Why aren’t you celebrating?! You get to go again!” Christen said in an effort to knock Kelley out of her mood. “Didn’t you say that you would love to come back to the cup again? Now you get to do it with the team again. I mean as a coach this time, but still.”_

_Kelley nodded while she took another sip from her cup._

_“Hey.” This time, Christen’s tone was soft and low, and concerned._

_Kelley finally looked at her._

_And then Christen realized why Kelley was acting the way she was acting._

_“You high?” Christen asked with a creased forehead. “I didn’t’ know that you smoked. You never did when we-”_

_“When we what?” Kelley asked. Christen observed as Kelley drank all that was in her cup in two gulps and then put the cup down onto the piano that was in the room._

_“When we what?” Kelley repeated._

_“When we were together.” Christen said gently when she realized that Kelley was still very much hurt from their past. She could tell by the bitter way Kelley was asking her that question._

_“Oh, so you remember that we used to be a thing?” Kelley asked._

_Christen’s shoulder dropped._

_“Kelley.” She warned her with the sound of her name. She needed Kelley to know that this was not productive conversation, especially since they had just revived their daily contact._

_“Yes, Chris, I smoked. It’s California, it’s-”_

_“I don’t care if you smoked. I was just asking because your eyes are red and you’re acting anti-social right now.” Christen explained. She knew that those words weren’t going to go over well with Kelley, but it was the truth. She was being her worse self and it a 180 from her normally energetic disposition on the field with Christen and the team._

_“Why does that matter to you?”_

_Christen sighed. This is what Kelley was like in the weeks before they broke up. She was so closed off. And just like before, Christen had no idea why._

_“You’re being an asshole right now.” Christen said quietly and gently. They weren’t together now, and she wasn’t going to waste any energy in fighting and trying to bring Kelley back to her sweet self. She had learned that the fighting wasn’t going to work._

_Kelley opened her mouth, and then closed it again. It looked like she was reconsidering her response, and it was probably for the best. She just sat down on the piano bench slowly._

_“Is there something wrong?” Christen asked. She really was worried now. Kelley quickly withdrew again. It meant that something really was off. She sat down next to her ex-girlfriend._

_And she wasn’t ready for the quick and forced way Kelley kissed her._

_Her mouth tasted like really shitty dro. She pushed Kelley off._

_“Kelley, stop.”_

_She wiped her lips while Kelley looked sober again. Her eyes were still red and glassy, but she seemed to have been awakened by Christen’s protest._

_“Did I do something wrong?” Kelley asked._

_“Yes!” Christen said when she stood up and stepped back away._

_“Christen, I still-” Her speech was slowing down again. The fact that she was under the influence was becoming apparent again._

_“I have a girlfriend! And you know that!” Christen interrupted._

_“But…but I still love you.”Kelley said._

_Christen sighed. Kelley was obviously revealing to her that they couldn’t be friends. She walked out of the room. Her girlfriend was somewhere in the house, and she needed to put as much distance between herself and the crime she just committed with Kelley O’Hara._

_++_

_Kelley: I’m sorry_

_Christen tried to do anything she could think about to ignore Kelley. She even tried to convince her girlfriend that they should leave, but it didn’t work. Everyone was adamant that Christen needed to stay to celebrate their accomplishments, not knowing what had happened in the other room._

_Kelley had managed to give Christen some distance for a good part of the night, but when  it became clear that Kelley had spent her time drinking instead of talking to Christen, bad and dramatic things became inevitable._

_“Don’t.”_

_She didn’t know what she was telling Kelley not to do, but it was obviously a plea for Kelley not to fuck things up even more like she was doing when she followed Christen into the bathroom._

_“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you.” Kelley said when she came in close and brought Christen even closer to her with her one arm looped around Christen._

_“Stop. I don’t want to do this with you right n-”_

_“I never meant to hurt you. I’m-I’m so sorry- you just looked really beautiful and I wasn’t thinking.” Kelley explained._

_Christen stood there with her nostrils flaring because Kelley was obviously more inebriated for this conversation that their previous one. And Kelley was usually really stupid when she was drunk and desperate for Christen’s attention._

_“You’re so good to me. I-I don’t deserve you as a girlfriend and I don’t deserve you like I have you now.” Kelley said. Her words were the opposite of her hands though that were holding onto Christen like Christen was hers._

_“Kelley…you’re drun-you’re cross faded and I don’t-”_

_“I should have never let you go. I thou-I thought I had more time to get better for you. But you’re so perfect and you were bound to find someone better than me.” Kelley went on to say. She looked like she was struggling with her words._

_Christen wriggled out of the hold._

_“I can be better this time.” Kelley stated._

_“Kelley, do-”_

_“Give me another chance.” The drunken woman pleaded._

_“I can explain. I- I- I was an asshole, and there was a lot going on that you didn’t know about, but I’m ready now! I’m better.” She stated._

_“Ke-”_

_“I want to grow old with you. I-I want to eat vegan hotdogs with you-” Christen could feel her heart bleeding and hurting even more than when Kelley broke up with her. This time it was because of things she wished Kelley would have told her sooner._

_“I want you to dress up for me- not for someone else.”_

_“Kelley, you and I are done. It’s what you wanted.” Christen said sadly. “You agreed that it’s better if we are friends-”_

_“I don’t want to be your friend!” Kelley protested loudly._

_Christen walked out of the bathroom._

_++_

_She didn’t think that it would be possible for Kelley to get even more drunk, yet here she stood leaning on a random car, surrounded by her teammates, watching Kelley walk over to them._

_“Sup Coach.” Her teammates greeted Christen’s ex-girlfriend, not realizing that even though Kelley wasn’t falling over, this was what Kelley looked like when she was wasted. Her face was slack. And her step swayed a little. And just like Kelley  never really liked to reveal too much weakness to people that weren’t Christen, she never really like showing people how drunk and vulnerable she was._

_But Christen knew._

_“Can I talk to you?” Kelley whispered into her ear._

_“Walk away. Please. You’re going to do something stupid.” Christen said quietly so that only Kelley could hear her._

_“But I wanna be with you.” Kelley pushed. This time, her voice was a little bit louder._

_“You are at a party. With all these players that you coach. Stop.” Christen warned._

_“I don’t care! I want you to know that I love you!”_

_That time, Kelley said it loud enough for everyone to hear. She was wasted, but Christen was sober enough to understand that this didn’t look very good. Yes, Christen’s teammates and friends knew that her and Kelley used to be something way back when, but it didn’t mean that it was okay for an assistant coach to be actively pursuing something with a player, no matter if that player was an adult. Everyone’s faces had wide eyes because even though they knew that there was still something there, it didn’t mean that Kelley could be comfortably reckless like she was being now._

_“I’ve never loved someone this much.” Kelley slurred._

_Christen looked around, knowing that Kelley was burying her job even deeper in a shithole with every word she spoke._

_“You’re making a scene.” Christen said._

_“Please stop. I want you to stop.” She begged of the woman quietly. “I want you to stop because you’re ruining everything, and you’re embarrassing me.”_

_So Kelley stopped being so belligerent._

_“Please tell me that still love me. Please tell me that I’m not crazy in knowing that we belong together.” Kelley whispered so softly that no one else could hear even though everyone was quiet and trying to listen in._

_Christen didn’t respond when her ex had grabbed her hand and squeezed it in order to prompt an answer. And she didn’t respond because over Kelley’s shoulder she could see her current girlfriend walking up to them with a furrowed and curious brow._

_Christen never responded._

_++_

Kelley couldn’t hide what she had done.

She just stood still while her heartbeat calmed, and the sweat dripped. She slowly pulled the headphones out from her ear.

“Are you mad at me?”

Christen shrugged. “It’s your ankle, not mine.”

“I’m being careful, I just ran on asphalt.” Kelley said, still cautious of Christen’s response. She thought that Christen’s food coma from their thanksgiving lunchwould have been strong enough for Kelley to  arrive back home and shower before her best friend would wake up and find out that Kelley had gone for a run while the rest of the house passed out from the food.

Christen nodded like she was going to let Kelley’s deception go.

“You’re not mad?”

“Kelley you’re gonna do whatever it is that you want to do.” Christen said with a shrug when she met her halfway up the driveway and handed Kelley a glass of water.

“I’m usually in real trouble when you say things like that.” Kelley said before she took a big gulp. She only relaxed when Christen gave her a small and sleepy smile.

“Did I wake you when I got up? Was that how I gave myself away?” Kelley asked when she wiped the sweat from her forehead.

“Maybe if you didn’t sneak into the room like you do every night, you might have gotten away with it.” Christen said. This time there wasn’t a smirk, and there wasn’t an eye roll. Christen’s face was expressionless, but the tone of her voice seemed to be loaded with something that she wanted to express.

Kelley didn’t know what it was.

“Do you want me to stop?” Kelley asked quietly.

Ever since Erin had cleaned out Kelley’s old room and she had her big queen bed all to herself, Christen had always opted to sleep in the guest room. Kelley didn’t know why. Christen had argued that Karen never came upstairs and it was mostly for Kelley’s sleeping benefit, but Kelley thought she had made it clear that her best friend’s absence just worsened her sleeping pattern.

Most nights, Kelley would eventually get up from the bed she laid in with insomnia, and quietly sneak into the small twin bed that Christen was in. They never really talked about why Christen went through this routine every night even though she usually turned over and clung to Kelley like body pillow every time. Just like she did earlier today when they took a midday nap in preparation for the second round that dinner was going to be.

But it didn’t occur to her until now that because of her feelings for Tobin, maybe Christen was asking her to stop.

Christen chuckled. “NOW you ask me?”

Kelley swallowed down the guilt that was arising. She never asked Christen, but she thought that it was the way they operated. If it really was something Christen didn’t like, she would have told Kelley by now.

“I’m sorry. I really didn’t know that it bothered you.” She said quietly.

The words of her dad rang loud in her ear.

_An idiot with an agenda._

“It doesn’t bother me, Kell.” Christen said softly before she walked over to pick up beer cans that Kelley and her dad had left on the driveway from their stakeout earlier that afternoon. Kelley eventually helped her and picked up a few cans herself, appreciative that Christen wasn’t telling her to stop.

Kelley sat down on the lawn chair that she used earlier that day. When Christen came back from throwing them in the recycling bin, Kelley beckoned her to sit down with her.

And like a pleasant surprise, instead of sitting in Dan’s chair, Christen asked Kelley to scoot her skinny butt over, and she curled up into Kelley so that they could both sit into the reclining chair. Kelley figured that Christen was sitting with her for the warmth, but would appreciate this moment that she had Christen in her arms, regardless of the motive.

They sat in silence. Kelley laid her head into Christen’s while she let her heart beat slow from the run.

It was nice.

Eventually the silence broke.

“Can you just sleep with me in my bed?” She asked quietly.

She waited for the response. She let Christen mull her request over in her mind.

“Why are you asking me that now? Like-i’m curious as to why you question it now, and not before.”

“Because you let me kiss you yesterday, Christen.” Kelley said softly.

Kelley didn’t look down to see her best friend’s expression. Christen wouldn’t have shown her anyways. So they just sat there, letting the silence take over again. It was becoming just like their nights, silently having conversations with each other in their head, and letting the silence run the clock on the time left to say what needed to be said.

“How is Alex?” Christen asked.

Kelley’s grip around Christen loosened.

“Alex is good.” She said.

“Good.” Christen said.

Then she untangled herself, got up from the lawn chair, and walked back inside without looking back.

Kelley grew more afraid of the significance of Tobin now, because no matter much Christen would get mad at her in the past, she always looked back.

Kelley got up, picked up an empty beer can, and threw it against the garage door as hard as she could.

 

++

 

Christen needed a way to let it all out

She had been letting Kelley say more than she would have let her say in the past, and she had been trying to bury down deep the disappointment about Tobin.

Christen felt sort of childish that she was letting a (non)relationship with someone she had just met a few months ago take so much space in her brain, but she couldn’t help it. She couldn’t help but wonder what Tobin was doing, and if it really was that easy for her to not try to text Christen.

And everything with Kelley in the last two days felt so surreal, and she couldn’t help the fact that she yearned for Tobin to be someone to talk about it with. Christen didn’t know if that was a selfish thing to want, but she knew that Tobin had taught her more about herself in these few months than her heartbreak over Kelley ever did.

 Forget that there was legitimacy to Tobin’s claims that Christen still had feelings for Kelley in some way. That became undeniable the second that Christen saw the painting that illustrated the heartbreak so vividly. And it wasn’t something that Christen was going to fight anybody too hard about. Because when Kelley kissed her, and when she snuck into her bed, Christen found peace with the fact that it was because there was still love in that bed they slept in. Tobin’s intuition and her words were finally making Christen be okay with that love, even though it’s past was painful, and the present not so fruitful. She could feel her anger and bitterness of Kelley’s sins being let go of when she started to relax on her control over Kelley’s reckless behavior (and by control, she meant her ‘mothering’ of Kelley).

In Tobin’s absence, Christen really started to feel like she was beginning to process things by being okay with what they were. But she needed a distraction because Tobin’s absence ALSO brought on another heartache. It was her absence that made Christen really feel the impact of her time in Christen’s life.

So Christen found the relief in the form of Nikki.

She was the only person that Christen felt close enough to be equally distant from Tobin and Kelley when it came to social connections. And she just so happened to be a really great workout partner that didn’t mind that Christen needed someone to spill her deepest and darkest thoughts to.

“So you agree that you still love Kelley?” Nikki asked when they slowed down to a walk around the track.

“I mean…” Christen shrugged. Yes, she agreed. Both her and Kelley know that. Everyone knew that. But it wasn’t the only issue now in this time of their lives.

“So I don’t have to spend any time convincing you that you still love her?” Nikki interrupted.

“No. You don’t.” Christen said quietly.

“Good! Because then maybe we can cut this shit in half.” Nikki said simply. “Why don’t you just go and be merry with your one true love???”

“It just doesn’t…”

She looked over at Nikki, who seemed genuinely curious. She wasn’t exasperated and irritated with Christen like all of her other friends in the past were.

“It just doesn’t work like that. I can’t forget Tobin. I can’t not think about Alex and everything Kelley has with her. I don’t want to end what Kelley has with Alex. I don’t! Kelley is sweet when she’s with her, and I don’t…I can love Kelley, but that doesn’t mean that…”

She didn’t know what she was trying to say. She sighed in frustration.

“When Kelley kissed me, it felt inevitable. It felt…” There were no words to describe how it truly felt. “And my heartache isn’t because I’m realizing that it was inevitable. I think that I’ve dealt with that…not all of it, but I think I’m accepting it. My heart-the reason I am so pissed and hurt is that the person that has made me feel like it’s possible to accept it, doesn’t want to be with me.”

“You guys never like put a label on it, right?” Nikki inquired.

“No. We never did.”

“I mean, personally I didn’t think that you guys needed it, because you two just had this chemistry that made Sam and I want to throw up.” Nikki offered.

Christen sat down on the turf and took a swig from her water bottle.

“Did you even know about me and Kelley?” She asked her friend curiously.

“Sam told me a litte…” Nikki said before she took her own sip of water from Christen’s bottle, “but even If she hadn’t I would have picked up on it myself.”

“Explain.” She wanted the explanation from someone that didn’t know or live through her and Kelley’s past.

“I mean, you love her. It’s obvious. Your love isn’t something you can hide, like you can hide the past.” Nikki said with a shrug.

“But it’s obvious you’re falling for Tobin, too.”

 

++

 

Christen gave Alex a small wave when she got out of her car and saw that the woman and Kelley were across the street chatting.

“I’m going to go take a shower, I’m gross.” She called across to her best friend and company when she opted to go inside instead of interrupting. When she saw Alex’s playful pout and then eventual acceptance of Christen’s excuse, Christen tried to envision what it was that happened between those two across the street when her relationship with Kelley back in college take a nosedive.

She meant it when she said that Christen had no desire to stop Kelley from seeing Alex, but the sight of them two now did make her curious as to if young Alex ever had the intentions in stopping Kelley from seeing Christen. For a split second, she felt vulnerable.

She walked back inside to stop that feeling and go take that shower.

 

++

 

She opened the door to let all of the steam from the shower out, and found Kelley sitting on the floor, her back up against the side of the bed, sitting there, waiting for her. Christen stood by the doorframe, clutching the towel around, and Kelley stood up.

“Does Alex know?”

“No.” was all she said before she kissed Christen. It felt more electric than the first. It was begging for something more, and it was reaping all the lust that was produced from the decade of sleeping in the same bed.

There was so much to relive and to revive and the both of them seemed to want to experience all of it within this moment. 

They only stopped because of the sound of the front door of the house opening. They stood there with their chest heaving while they listened to Karen whistle as she made her way to the kitchen.

“Are you gonna tell her?” Christen asked quietly.

"Tell who?"

"Alex. Are you gonna tell her?" Christen asked without looking up.

“What am I gonna tell her?” Kelley replied with a shrug.

It was a great question. She knew that Kelley’s wasn’t being dumb when she asked that. They both couldn’t really answer that question. Other than stating that Christen let her kiss her, they hadn’t said a single word to each other acknowledging that something happened between them. No one ever talked about exclusivity because that didn’t exist (obviously), and it was clear that they all knew kind of just knew that, except for maybe Alex.

“Will you lose her if you tell her?” Christen asked instead of answering the question.

“Last thing Alex and I want is to leave each other out of our lives.” Kelley said. She slowly kissed Christen on the cheek. It was deep and it was thorough in displaying the amount of affection that was spilling out from their repressed desires.

“I don’t want you stop talking to her either.” Christen said when Kelley failed to pull away from her, and instead gripped them hem of Christen’s towel.

“Then I won’t.” Kelley said, but her stare was contracted heavily on the part of the towel that was keeping Christen’s body hidden.

“Do you want me to stop talking to Tobin?” Christen asked before Kelley could make another move.

The question seemed like an effective stop sign. Kelley froze while she looked at Christen. Really looked at her. Yes, it was true that at the moment Christen wasn’t talking to Tobin, and there was a chance that she never would again, but Christen hoped that Kelley understood what she really was asking.

“Do you want to?”

“No.” Christen said. Her time with Nikki organized her thoughts, and she knew the answer to that question at least.

She saw the fear again in Kelley’s face, the fear that she saw when Kelley had gotten high at Tobin’s place.

“Do you love her?” Kelley asked quietly.

“Don’t ask me that.” Christen said softly and gently.

_Please don’t._

She took a deep breath of air she was desperate for when Kelley turned to walk back down the stairs.

 

++

 

“I ran into Tobin. She asked me how you were.” Erin said while she unpacked the beer that was in the bags and put the bottles in the fridge.

“Oh.” Was all Christen could come up with in response. She wasn’t expecting Erin to tell her that, and she couldn’t really come up with a response to a sign that Tobin was thinking about her.

“What happened with you and tobin?” Sam asked.

“Eh. It’s a long story.” Nikki said, saving Christen from responding to that. Christen appreciated it.

“Yeah.. I’m gonna…I’ll be right back.” Kelley muttered before she walked out of the kitchen and then out of the house.

Erin followed suit when she grabbed a cold beer on the table in front of everyone, and left to go to her own room.

It was just Sam, Nikki, and Christen left.

Sam chuckled.

“Did I miss something? Sam asked.

 

++

 

After their friends drove away, Christen sat down next to Kelley on the tailgate of Erin’s truck.

“You want to tell me something, then tell me.” Christen whispered. She gulped. She was afraid of letting Kelley speak.

Kelley shook her head in disbelief that she was finally getting her moment to talk, and the irony that presented itself because talking was the last thing she wanted to do. Especially to Christen.

“Just stop and be sweet to me.” Christen pleaded gently.

“I’m still in love with you, Chris.” Kelley said without looking at her.

Christen put her hands to her chest, and she clutched it. Those words, even though they were inevitable, they still felt new. She grabbed Kelley’s hands even though her best friend still wasn’t looking at her.

“Tell me that Tobin’s just like the rest of them.” Christen heard Kelley say very quietly.

This is why she never let Kelley say what she wanted to say. Everything she had to say was painful. And Kelley had the world’s shittiest timing.

So Christen didn’t say anything. She couldn’t tell her best friend what she wanted to hear. Christen could tell her the truth in that she was still in love with Kelley too, but she couldn’t tell her that Tobin was just like the rest of them. It wasn’t the truth.

The truck jerked up when Kelley quickly got up and stood up.

“Don’t walk away.” She said when she tugged Kelley back by the hand. Her best friend still didn’t face her, but she let Christen pull her back.

“I’m letting you talk. I won’t tell you to stop talking. If you have something to say, then say it.” She urged.

After her dramatic reaction to Erin’s statement that Tobin had asked about her, Kelley’s mood had been ruined for the whole night. She couldn’t act like a good host for Sam and Nikki, and the two of them got the hint that Kelley and Christen needed to talk. So here Christen was, making it happen.

“I don’t-I can’t right now.” Kelley said as she shook her head.

“Are you fucking kidding me right now?”

“No.” Kelley said quietly.

Christen tried so hard to reign in the anger and disbelief that she was finally letting Kelley in, and this was the response she was getting. It was the same response she got when their relationship ended back in the day.

“Oh my god.” Christen said to herself as she scratched at her forehead in irritation at the sight of Kelley walking away from her and towards Alex’s house.

 

++

 

“Whatcha doing out here?”

Christen thought about answering that question in a way that would let Dan go back inside without any knowledge of how much she wanted to kill his daughter right now. She didn’t answer as Dan grabbed the wallet from the console and then locked the door to his car.

“Where’s Kell?”

“She’s at Alex’s.” Christen said, not able to contain the bitterness.

“So then whatcha doing here?” He asked when he knocked on the side of Erin’s truck.

“I have no clue, Dan.” Christen said with clenched teeth that were trying to keep in all the cuss words she wanted to throw his daughter’s way.

“You guys good?”

Christen nodded slowly. She didn’t want it all to spill out, so she couldn’t open her mouth.

“Is my daughter being a dumbass with Ms. Morgan?” Dan asked as he nodded in the direction of Alex’s house.

Christen sighed. She wasn’t hiding her anger, well. She nodded again. Dan nodded his head too, he looked like he was thinking very hard about something.

“I wouldn’t ask you to stay, especially if you’re not even Kelley’s real girlfriend.” Dan said.

Christen felt like crying. It was just as sad to have this conversation with Kelley’s dad as it was to have it with her sister. She didn’t think that Erin would have told her dad, but she guessed that it didn’t matter.

“I’m so sorry.” Christen said sorrowfully.

“Ah. Don’t be.” Dan said with a dismissive wave. “I know how much you care about her. I see how good you can be for her. You don’t have to apologize to me.”

“I didn’t set out to be a liar to you g-“

“I know.” Dan said with a quiet reassurance.

Christen was starting to feel more and more unworthy of The O’Hara’s love for her. She understood Erin’s bitterness, but she didn’t understand Dan’s unconditional love, and Karen’s blind eye.

“For what it’s worth, she still madly in love with you.” Dan said.

“Then why is she over there, and not out here with you and i?” Christen asked sadly. “Seriously. Why can’t kelley just put her fucking big girl pants on? I’m-

“I’m guessing it’s because she’s not ready yet. By all means, don’t wait for her if you don’t want to. She’s never been the best at having the courage to say what she wants. Kell can only do it on her time.” He explained.

It was the same explanation that Karen gave.

It must have been the truth.

“You don’t have to wait.” Dan said again. “But if you did…”

He didn’t finish his sentence. He just shrugged and then eventually walked back into the house to leave Christen to her thoughts.

 

++

 

Kelley made sure to close the front door slowly. She had gotten used to doing it on the nights that she snuck out to go and see Alex so she wouldn’t wake up anyone in the house.

And she did it now.

She thought she was being stealthy, considering she had gotten away with it all these months, but when she slowly and gingerly tried to make her way upstairs, the sound of her dads cough shattered that illusion.

“What’re you doing?”

Kelley felt like a teenager again. She chuckled a little because the feeling was ridiculous and her dad was smiling at her.

“I’m uh…”

“You know I…” Dan removed his glasses and put down the glass of water that he had in his hands

“I love you…right?” He asked. And he really seemed to be curious if his daughter knew that.

“Yeah.”

“Okay. I just wanted to make sure.” He said.

“Why? What happened?”

“I talked to Christen for a little bit.“ Her dad stated.

“What did you say- what did she say??” Kelley panicked for a little bit. She knew that her last conversations with Christen were shitty, and the fact that her dad was waiting up for her to war her meant that something of significance was said.

“She still loves you, Kell.” Dan said slowly.

“But I think your expiration date is coming up.” He said seriously.

She felt a trickle of dread pour in.

“And I love you. I do..” He reassured you again.

“But you’re still in an idiot.”

Dan gave her a kiss on the top of her head before he went to bed.

 

++

 

It was past one in the morning when she heard the stairs creak from Kelley’s footsteps. Her eyes shot wide open.

She listened to her best friend kick off her shoes and she heard a jacket being thrown onto the floor through the paper thin walls. What she didn’t hear was Kelley making her way to the guest room to come and spend the night with her like she usually did.

_She’s not ready yet._

Christen spent that night alone.

_++_

_Kelley didn’t know how to approach her._

_Alex had shut the door on her face once already, and she didn’t know how to handle this kind of thing._

_“Just try again.” Her mom urged._

_“Mom!”_

_“This isn’t negotiable.” Karen said before she spun Kelley around in her spot and gave her a nudge towards Alex’s house._

_Kelley turned back around to protest._

_“She. Needs. You. Get over whatever it is that you haven’t gotten over because this is bigger than your teenage drama.” Karen said harshly._

_“Mom. She’s doesn’t want to see-“_

_“GO.”_

_Kelley grumbled to herself. She dragged her feet across the street and thought about turning around before she knocked on the door._

_“Don’t even think about it!” Her mom yelled when she turned._

_Kelley groaned._

_She knocked on the door. And waited._

_“Hi.”_

_She didn’t expect Alex to answer. She didn’t expect Alex to look so bad and broken._

_“Is…are your sisters he-“_

_“Yep.” Alex folded her arms and kept her stare down into the floor, guarding herself against Kelley._

_“Can I…c-can I come in?”_

_She was surprised that Alex let her in._

_The inside of the home was coated with bleakness that Kelley’s never felt before. The shades were down, and every corner was dark._

_“What do you want Kell?” Alex asked. The sadness was weighing down on the way alex walked and talked._

_“To hug you.” Kelley said cautiously. The house was so dark that she couldn’t really see Alex’s expression fully, so she stood there in fear that Alex was gonna reject her for the umpteenth time._

_“Okay.” Alex said weakly._

_Another surprise. She hadn’t touched Alex in a very long time and even though it was because of the worst circumstances EVER, Kelley couldn’t help but be thankful for the chance to hold alex again._

_She seemed smaller. Skinnier. More fragile._

_Her shampoo was still the same though._

_++_

_“Kell. You really don’t-“_

_“Nah. It’s fine.” Kelley said with a shrug. She continued to make Alex’s bed. It was something she decided she could do for Alex everyday this whole week she was here._

_“You never make your bed.” Alex said with a chuckle. Those laughs were very few these days, but it was nice to be the reason behind them for Kelley._

_She missed Alex’s laugh._

_“True. I never USED to.” Kelley said with a smirk. She smoothed the sheet over with her hand. She patted a spot for Alex to come and lay down so that Kelley could hold her like she did every night this week that she was in town._

_They laid there for what felt like forever._

_“Why do you make your bed now?” Alex said after a long while of silence._

_Kelley could tell by the strained way Alex asked that question that she was asking a lot more than those words._

_“Um I don’t know…yeah I just got in the habit of doing it because Christen ma-“_

_Kelley licked her lips. She took a deep breath because she realized why Alex was asking that question._

_Alex quickly sat up from her position on the bed. Kelley could only see her back._

_“Who’s Christen?” She heard Alex ask quietly._

_Kelley sat up from her position and she leaned back against the baseboard._

_“My girlfriend, Al.” She said softly._

_“I didn’t know you had a girlfriend.” Alex said, her voice even weaker than before._

_“Yeah.” Kelley said. “But I didn’t- I just want to be here for you Al. I know that it must be-“_

_She didn’t want to say that she knew it must be hard to lose her parents, because Kelley had no idea. She didn’t KNOW how hard it must have been. And for this whole week, she only got small glimpses of what that pain entailed._

_“I didn’t mention her because I know you got stuff going on, I- this weeks not about me-“_

_“Please leave.” Alex said quietly. She still hadn’t turned to face Kelley._

_“What?” Kelley heard her, but she didn’t understand._

_“Please go, Kell.”_

_“Why?” Kelley asked when she scooted up so that she could be right next to Alex._

_“I am not- I cannot handle you and this, and my life, and my parents, and-“_

_“But what did I do?” Kelley asked a little desperately._

_“The fact that you don’t know- that you STILL DON’T KNOW! I…please leave.” Alex commanded._

_“Al. C’mon.” Kelley pushed back._

_But Alex didn’t budge. And she wouldn’t turn around and face Kelley._

_“Alex. I haven’t talked to you in a long time, but I care about you. A LOT. I think about you almost everyday.” Kelley stared strongly._

_Alex finally shifted in her spot to look at her._

_“How can- how are you able to come over here and tell me that now-RIGHT NOW- and still not understand why I don’t want see you. You have a fucking girlfriend.” She said with gritted teeth._

_Kelley’s body deflated._

_This was Alex Morgan finally telling her that she wanted to be with her, and it came at the wrong time. It clicked. It finally clicked_

_“Alex…” she took a deep breath before she took a deep gulp of air._

_“I still love you. I would still do anything for you.” Kelley said quietly._

_Alex turned back around so that Kelley could see the familiar sight of her back._

_“Would you break up with her?”_

_Kelley didn’t know what to say._

_“Al…I…”_

_“So you wouldn’t do anything for me.” Alex said sadly. Kelley’s inability to speak was the clearest message transmitted._

_“Does she know that you’ve been here- does Christen know that you’ve been sleeping in my bed this whole week?” Alex demanded._

_“Alex. I- i- Yeah she knows that I’m back home for the wee-“_

_“Does she know that you’ve been sleeping in my bed?” Alex repeated._

_“No. She doesn’t.” Kelley said, her shoulders dropping even further._

_“Why doesn’t she know?”_

_“She- she knows I’m back home but she doesn’t know why-“_

_“Why?? How come it took you the whole week-Why couldn’t you tell her about me?? Why is it that you’re keeping it a secret from her??”_

_Kelley officially lost control of the situation._

_“I’m not keeping it a secret, Al. I just haven’t told her yet because I’m not ready to. I…i was planning on talking to her when I got-“_

_“What the fuck are you not ready for, Kelley??” Alex stressed._

_“If this whole week didn’t mean anyth-Why are you here? Why the fuck are you here, Kelley??”_

_“YOUR PARENTS FUCKING DIED ALEX.” She didn’t meant for it to burst out that way._

_Alex got up from the bed and away from her._

_“No. I didn’t mean-it- I shouldn’t have-“_

_“Please leave, Kelley.” Alex repeated softly. It was the ultimate dismissal._

_“No! I didn’t mean to say that-“_

_“Yes you did. Because they did.” Alex said. Kelley could see that Alex was wiping her eyes from tears that she didn’t have the privilege of witnessing._

_Kelley stood up from the bed too and she held onto Alex from behind so tightly._

_“I’m here. I want to be here for you.” Kelley cried into the back of her friend’s neck. It was the both of them holding on to each other as their bodies shook from the sobs._

_When they finally got it together, Alex ended it all._

_“I want you to leave.” She said gently._

_Kelley burrowed even further and laid her head down while she tried to process Alex’s order._

_“You’ve been so great. And you’ve been so fucking sweet, and amazing, and I’m falling in love with-“ Alex’s shaky voice couldn’t finish the sentence. She wiped her tears again._

_“You’ve already broken my heart once before, you can break it again.” Alex said._

_“Alex.” Kelley didn’t know what to say._

_“No. You can break my heart again and leave so that you don’t break hers.” Alex whispered._

_“Alex, I’m not-“_

_“If you stay, I’m going to ask you to break hers.” Alex said with her jaw clenched._

_“I’m going to, Kelley.” She warned._

_Her voice kept shaking, “And it’s clear that you love her and it’s clear that you’d pick her, and I think I can handle you leaving RIGHT NOW, so please don’t put me through you rejecting me later on tonight when I ask you who you’d choose.”_

_“Please? I won’t be able to handle it later tonight.” Alex’s voice squeaked._

_“Please, go.  For me.” Alex whispered through her wet tears._

_So Kelley eventually went. It took her a long time, and Alex even had to pry her off of her body and wriggle free, but Kelley eventually went because she realized that Alex was not going to look back at her_

_She didn’t say anything more._

_She looked around at Alex’s room to remember what it looked like._

_And then to fully fulfill Alex’s request, she chose to walk out the door._

_“I hope you don’t fuck this one up.” Alex called out. Even though the words were menacing, the sound of her voice told Kelley that she did truly hope that for her._

_Kelley closed the door to Alex’s front door and then let it all hit her._

_And the feeling of dread dropped down because she realized that she probably was going to fuck it all up._

_Even if she didn’t mean to, Alex was proof that Kelley always fucked it up._

_++_

“Nikki…”

Christen didn’t even need to ask the question.

“Just hear me out.”

Christen didn’t want to hear her out.

“Nik…she- I don’t think that this is going to help- I don’t even know if she wants to see m-”

She closed her mouth. It was already too late.

“Well…I think she wants to see ya.” Nikki said with a big and bright smile.

Nikki was the absolute worst. Christen wasn’t ready or prepared to see Tobin. She had been promised a beer, but instead she had gone down a suspicious route, and by the time she turned onto Tobin’s street, Christen knew what was up.

“I don’t appreciate this.” Christen said.

“You’ll get over it.” Nikki said. “Now go. She’s been bugging Sam and I.”

It really did feel good to see Tobin. She missed her. It was kind of surreal how much she really missed the woman who was standing on her driveway with injured hand in the pocket of her jeans, and the other shyly waving at her.

When she got out of the car, and Nikki peeled out quick, she was left with a sight of this person in front of her, just looking at her like she was feeling the same thing Christen had been in the past week.

“Hey.”

“Hey.”

And something about this sight of Tobin waiting for her gave her more hope than the sight of Kelley walking away from her last night.

 

 

 

 

 


	11. They're Not Enough

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've found a lot of free time. Don't get spoiled by all the updates. It won't be the norm.

 

 

++

 

 

“I did it because it was the right thing to do.” Nikki hushed.

“How do you know what the right thing to do is??” Sam asked with a face of bewilderment.

“Sam…C’mon. You saw the way they were with each other. She needs to be able to pursue that. And If I happen to be the one that can make it happen…why not?”

Sam shook her head. This wasn’t the level of involvement she wanted to have in this situation. It was fun to call Kelley out in her feelings for Christen, but to then push her love onto someone else? Someone that also happened to be another friend of Sam’s? No, it wasn’t the amusing level of gossip. She felt responsible for enabling it.

“Nikki…this is stepping over the line. You and I had fun…when we were on this side of things.” Sam said when she illustrated with her hands. “Now we are on this side. And now its not fun.”

“Don’t you think that if one of them was meant to be that they both should get their shot?” Nikki asked.

“No! Nik. This isn’t something that we need to ACTUALLY be in the middle of. We just talk about it. But no…Christen isn’t a caged animal that we get to throw into the wild because we wanna see what she will do. I didn’t actually want to do it!” She explained.

Nikki looked like she could understand for a second. Then she shrugged.

“Nothing I can do about it now. I dropped her off. They’re talking. Who knows, she might even thank me.” She reasoned.

Sam groaned.

“What are you two fighting about?” Erin asked when she stepped out into the garage with a shake in her hand that she was sipping on.

“Nothing!” They said at the same time.

The older sister looked at them with both of her eyes raised. She pulled out the bike she hasn’t used in years from the rack.

“I lied. I’m such a liar.” Erin said with a disappointing shake to her head. “I heard everything you guys said.”

Nikki chuckled nervously.

“Shit.” Sam muttered under her breath.

Erin started to pump some air into the tires of her old bike, while the two of them stood there unsure of what they were to do next.

“You can calm down.” Erin said over her shoulder when she put the chain in right place on the back tire.

“I’m not going to say anything.” She said.

Sam relaxed. She offered to help Kelley’s sister in pulling out and fixing Kelley’s bike and got her hands dirty with all the grease. Nikki was glad to get the hand sanitizer from inside the house, anything to get out of this awkward situation.

“Im sorry if we-I said something that…I don’t know.” Sam didn’t know what she was trying to say. Erin didn’t need an apology in this situation because she wasn’t even an involved party, but Sam felt that Kelley’s sister was someone that shouldn’t have known what Nikki (and Sam by association) did.

Erin looked at her with a neutral face. “You guys have done a lot more than I ever did when it came to Christen and my sister.”

Erin shrugged.

Sam was intrigued. Her tendency for gossip and drama peaked again. She wanted to resist but this was too interesting.

“Yeah but…I mean I don’t want Kell to think that we went behind her back.” Sam said.

“You did though. Didn’t you?” Erin smirked. Sam dipped her head in admission.

“I- Me- not my girlfriend- wants Kelley and Christen to figure it out. Nikki on the other hand…” Sam felt guilty for throwing her under the bus, but it was true, and she figured her girlfriend owed her one.

“I mean, not that I don’t like tobin and christen theyre cute, they’re solid… I…just need to stop talking.” Sam said.

Erin smiled at her. She started pumping air into Kelley’s tires.

“You know, ”Erin paused, “I thought about doing what Nikki did, I mean for my sister, not Tobin.”

“Really?” Sam asked, her mouth was wide open as she stared at Kelley’s sister who was nodding her head.

“If I had to pick a side, I think its obvious who I would pick. But I know nothing about Tobin, so…I told Christen how I felt and said that I would back off.” Erin said with another shrug.

“Interesting, interesting.” Sam said when she grabbed the pump to put some air into the tires of her bike. When Nikki came back, the three of them fiddled with the four bikes in the garage that they were all going to use in the next hour.

“Okay…can I just say something?” Nikki asked out of the blue.

“Nothing ever really stops you babe.” Sam said. That earned her a slap to the arm. Erin chuckled.

“What’s up?”

Nikki sighed.

“Look. I don’t know Kelley as much ‘cause she’s Sam’s old friend, but I do know Tobin. And I’ve been listening to Christen talk about all of this, so…as her earpiece…I just want to say that I have nothing against your sister personally,” Nikki said quickly.

“But are Christen and Kelley even really good for each other?? I’m gonna be the one to say it.”

Sam stayed quiet, while Erin nodded.

“I feel ya. And I got nothing against Tobin personally either.” She said with a shrug.

“I like Kelley. Don’t get me wrong, the few times I’ve hung out with her and Sam, she’s funny and ridiculous sometimes like this one over her.” Nikki said when she pointed to her girlfriend.

“But after all Christen has told me…my opinion…it seems like…Kelley has hurt her so many times. There’s only so much jerking around someone is gonna take before they realize that that person is not for them.” Nikkis justified.

“Nikki…” Same mumbled under her breath.

But Erin didn’t look mad. She didn’t look defensive. She just stared at Nikki with a very confused expression. Then she looked at Sam with that same expression. Then back at Nikki.

“What has Christen told you…?” Erin asked very slowly as she reached for the hand sanitizer for her greasy hands.

“Look. I’m not saying anyth-I’m not trying to trash your sister-”

“it’s cool, I get it Nikki.” Erin said with a reassuring face.

“But what has Christen told you?” She repeated.

“Just that…” Nikki tried to recall all of it. “Just like, all about when Kelley was with that player when she coached at Stanford and she lied to Christen about still being with that chick. Mmmm…how they broke up, and how Kelley’s been hot and cold about being her friend and then not being her friend. Just stuff like that. It just seems like not the healthiest thing to continue.”

Erin scoffed, and then chuckled.

“What?” Sam asked.

“I…” Erin smiled like she couldn’t believe and she waited until her chuckles subsided.

“Look. I LOVE christen.” Erin said sincerely. “I want my sister to finally get her shit together and marry her, don’t get me wrong. But you DO NOT have the whole story. You have HALF of it. And-I meant it when I said to her that she’s the only one to make my sister happy. I meant it, but it’s a two way street.”

Erin chuckled again.

Sam and Nikki looked at each other, very interested in Erin’s last words.

“Can you…tell us the other half of the story?” Sam asked with her raised eyebrows.

Erin looked at her watch. “Well, mom and Kelley will be back in like…maybe 20. Yeah I got time.”

Sam grabbed the box full of stuff for Nikki to sit on and one for herself so that they could get comfortable.

****

_++_

_“Alli, I didn’t ask for your opinion. Simple as that.” Kelley said with a fake smile. She continued to plow through her closet for the right outfit. Nothing seemed to be the one that would impress the most. She wanted to look good, but not too good. It had to be the right amount of hot, yet aloof._

_“Kelley. You’re being….a dumbass…as usual.” Alli said as she changed the channel on Kelley’s TV._

_“How??” Kelley asked when she inspected a t-shirt of hers that looked so small that It wouldn’t fit around her arm. She threw it aside._

_“Because! She already told you back in the day how she felt about you and her being together while she’s still a senior.” Alli said with an eye roll._

_“Yeah, well. Dude she’s the one that asked me.” Kelley said quietly._

_Allison sat up slowly._

_“What…?”_

_Kelley smiled at her. Brightly. “She asked me out.”_

_Alli looked at her suspiciously._

_“Why don’t I believe you?” She asked with narrowed eyes._

_“I don’t believe it myself, but…” Kelley became aware with the smile that wouldn’t go away on her face, and she tried to calm her body down because it felt like it was fully charged. She didn’t want to burn out, she had to be on her A game tonight. She tossed her phone to her friend to give her the proof through a text that showed that Christen was indeed, the one that asked for a date._

_Alli couldn’t believe it. But the proof was concrete. She looked through their conversation and she was surprised to see that Kelley and Christen had been texting every minute, for days. She couldn’t go back enough to see just how many days because there was too many._

_“Hey…” Kelley called out. “Stop being nosy.”_

_“Kell…they broke up two days ago. And you’ve been – oh- I did NOT want to see that.” Allison said when she threw down Kelley’s phone onto the bed._

_“Oh, you got that far…?” Kelley asked with a guilty small smile._

_“First, that was a really nice angle , I appreciated the lighting, I’m gonna copy that,” Allison said before she cleared her throat. “Second, that picture was sent how many days ago?”_

_“I don’t know…” Kelley said when she went back into her closet to resume her outfit selection as well as to hide from her friend._

_Alli picked the phone up again. “TWO WEEKS AGO, KELL?!”_

_Kelley didn’t answer._

_Alli continued to scroll through the conversation, taking advantage of the fact that Kelley was too scared to come out of her spot to get it back from her. She scrolled and scrolled, and then ran into another nude. And then another. And another._

_“Is there a whole fucking album?” She called out._

_“Okay. Enough.” Kelley said when she finally came out and snatched the phone away._

_But alli had seen enough. Christen had been cheating on her girlfriend. For how long, Allison didn’t know, but she had gotten close to three weeks worth of messages between her two friends._

_“Kelley…”_

_“Alli please. I don’t want to talk about this.” Kelley pleaded._

_“Babe. This is not…” She didn’t finish. She sighed with disappointment. Kelley looked happy, like really happy a few minutes ago. Allison hasn’t seen her friend that happy in a long time. The last time she looked happy was when she was with Christen._

_“I know, Al. I just love her, okay?” Kelley said quietly. “It’s not right, I know.”_

_Kelley resumed the search for an outfit, but she was a lot more deflated. Alli laid back down on the bed while she thought about what she was going to say/do next. This was wrong. So wrong. But she knew her two friends and she knew that in this situation Kelley wouldn’t ever do the right thing if it meant refusing Christen._

_Alli picked up the phone that her friend had put down on the bed, and when Kelley looked at her and did nothing to stop her, she took a deeper dive into the messages._

_C: I can’t stop thinking about you._

_Kelley: I’ve never stopped thinking about you_

_C: I love you._

_C: times a million_

_C: im sorry it just needed time to say it_

_Allison could see that Kelley would get these messages from Christen out of the blue. It was always Christen that texted first. Then she saw the time stamp of a really racy message at 1:32._

_“O-M-G Christen.” Alli commented out loud. There were several messages that made Alli’s cheeks burn red and she felt funny and childish because she couldn’t read it knowing it was between her two really good friends._

_“Oh. That was a pretty smooth response, Kell. I’ll give you that.” Alli commented as she kept reading. Kelley didn’t come out or acknowledge her comment, but she knew that Kelley heard her._

_Then the conversations would shift to usual ‘whatre you doing’ texts._

_And then back to nudes._

_And then back to normal conversation. Alli shook her head from the amount of Christen she’s seen in the past five minutes._

_C: I really do love you._

_Kelley: More than her_

_Kelley:?_

_There was a few hours passed before Kelley texted again._

_Kelley: Christen I love you idk what else I can say_

_C: I think about you when I’m with her_

_Kelley: do you love me more_

_C: don’t ask me that_

_Kelley: im sorry_

_There wasn’t a response until a little past midnight._

_C: I want you in my bed tonight_

_C: pls come over_

_Kelley: Christen_

_Allison didn’t even bat an eyelash when she encountered another nude._

_Kelley: I don’t wnt you to have a girlfriend_

_C: pls just come over._

_Another nude. Geez Christen._

_C: Kelley please_

_Kelley: you have a gf_

_C: I know_

_C: O’Hara please_

_Kelley: ok. Ill leave now_

_Well that totally answered the question allison was going to ask Kelley next. Alli sighed in disappointment, yet she had to admit that she was sucked in. She kept reading._

_C: can you walk me to class_

_Kelley: where are you_

_C: apartment._

_Allison continued to scroll because the conversation turned to soccer and practice and everyday shit that was boring._

_C: can you come see me after practice_

_Kelley: ur not suppose 2 b on ur phone during h2o break ms press_

_C: ew I don’t like it when you text through your watch_

_C: does your smile mean youll come see me_

_Kelley: ye_

_C: im gonna take that as a yes_

_Alli tried to stop herself from imagining what they did when Kelley went to go see her after practice, but then she gave up, because she was too deep in the rabbithole and she must have imagined them in bed like 20 million times already in the past ten minutes._

_C: Ew_

_Kelley: ?_

_Kelley: what c?_

_C: shes (emoji of a trash can)_

_Kelley: its not like that_

_C: k_

_Alli wondered who that was about._

_She scrolled through some more nudes…so more boring conversation._

_Kelley: you look pretty._

_Kelley: she’s really luck to have you_

_C: no one has me_

_Kelley: youre right_

_C: except you_

_Kelley: then why are you over there when you should be standing next to me_

_Kelley: that’s what I thought_

_Kelley: it’s fine_

_C: I love you_

_C: I mean it Kelley_

_Allison wondered when and what was going on when this conversation took place. She scrolled through some more_

_C: I DO love you. I love you more than her I just have to figure things out_

_C: I cant stop thinking about you. No one protects me like you do I still love you kell_

_Kelley: break up with her_

_C: can you give me some time?_

_Kelley: okay_

_That conversation was two months ago. Allison shook her head. She looked up to see Kelley standing right outside her closet, looking so scared and defeated at all that she assumed Allison was going to throw her way._

_She smiled sadly at Kelley._

_“I think you should wear that green shirt. Christen likes that one on you.” Alli said softly._

_**_

_Kelley ran her hand to smooth out the one tiny wrinkle on the hem of her green shirt. She breathed into her hand to make sure that it was still minty fresh. She hoped that she looked good enough. Hoped that SHE was good enough._

_She pulled out her phone again to look at the menu._

_“I should really fucking know what this stuff is.” She muttered to herself. She knew what Tofu was, but that was about it. Well she knew what kale was, and quinoa._

_“Okay I know some stuff.” She said to herself. Kelley put it on her mental to do list to study vegan terms and foods._

_But for now she would just sit in her car and wait for Christen to show up. She was glad that she would have some time to prepare for this meeting because she couldn’t help but feel really nervous. It had been quite a while since she’s seen Christen dressed up since the most time they spent around each other was during practice. It had felt like a century ago that Kelley went out for a date and the possibility of holding Christen’s hand again was there._

_She didn’t want to mess it up this time._

_Last night, Christen said that she wanted to do it right. And Kelley agreed. Kelley wasn’t thrilled about how they had been talking for the past couple of months and this circumstances in which they talking, but tonight was about putting this sins behind and starting new._

_Finally, Christen had broken up with her girlfriend. And tonight was about realizing who Christen should really be with._

_Kelley sniffed her pits to make sure she put deodorant on._

_She was good to go._

_++_

_“Hey. Why are you calling me…right…” Erin slowly tapered off the question._

_There was silence on the other line._

_“There’s gotta be an explanation.” Erin said gently._

_She heard a few sniffles._

_“It’s only nine. You said 7:30.” Erin said lightly._

_“Is she gonna come, Erin?” Her little sister asked. Erin felt her heart break because her sister really did seem so small. Her voice in the line was quiet and scared and it sounded like someone who asking for help._

_“I don’t know, champ.” Erin said softly._

_“I hope so.” She added._

_“I think…I think I’m gonna wait for one more hour. Just one more.” Kelley said._

_“Okay. You do what you need to do.” Erin said sadly, knowing that her little sister wasn’t going to listen if she told her to go home. Kelley had a will, and even though Erin wanted to mitigate the deadly impact of Christen’s rejection, Kelley was going to want to do it her way. Which Erin couldn’t blame her. Christen couldn’t accuse Kelley of not trying all she could this time._

_“I think she’ll come, Erin. She’s just nervous like me.”_

_Erin didn’t say anything. She just wanted Kelley to listen to her own words and understand the improbability of it all._

_“I love her. I’m gonna wait.” Kelley said._

_“I can wait.”_

_Erin hoped that Christen would show up._

_++_

_It read 2:08._

_Kelley stared down at her conversation with Christen and looked at the green bubble that was the text sent to Christen two hours before._

_I’m not. I can’t. I can’t cry._

_There was maybe one or two rogue tears that were shed, but she took deep breaths and tried to calm herself down. But waves of heartbreak were touch to break. The toughest._

_She considered driving over to Christen’s apartment just to check up on her, but she didn’t think she could handle it._

_Kelley didn’t even feel mad. She was past that point when it came to Christen. The love of her life knew what this would do to her, and she did it anyways. Kelley didn’t know the reason why, but regardless it just made her sad. The inadequacy of herself as a person was just confirmed by it all, and she just didn’t have the energy to mentally defend herself._

_She wasn’t worth it. And she wasn’t going to waste the gas to be told that._

_Kelley had to admit that she was really glad that Alli was sleeping at her boyfriends for the night. She had ignored all of her texts asking how it went, and she definitely didn’t want to handle a face to face interaction about how she got stood up._

_And when the door of her bedroom closed, she could finally let her body feel it. This time she didn’t kick or scream or throw things._

_She just felt like she had no control when she slowly got down on all fours. Kelley could feel the carpet on her knees and then in her forehead when she tucked down her head under her arms, and finally let herself cry._

_Kelley didn’t move from the spot until the next afternoon when she had to get ready for practice._

_++_

_It was really painful to get up. It was really painful to walk, to talk. It was painful to put in different clothes. It was painful to show her face to the world._

_But it was excruciating to see Christen._

_Kelley didn’t know how to be professional. This was only her first year coaching and she didn’t have the experience on composing herself when on a soccer field. As a player, she was allowed to get mad and angry. But as a coach she wasn’t._

_So she was sure that everyone could notice how quiet she was today._

_“Bad day?”_

_Paul asked._

_“Yeah…”_

_He left her alone for awhile and gave her minimal responsibilities. She appreciated it._

_“Is your bad day and Christen’s crappy performance today related?” He asked under his breath when the team was getting water._

_Kelley just put her head down. That question took the life out of her._

_“Go home. Today and rest of the week. I’ll see you on Monday.”_

_She didn’t even look up at home because she wouldn’t be able to handle the kindness of this act of mercy, but she muttered a thanks and walked away from the field without looking back._

_++_

_“I don’t need you to walk me home!” Christen yelled out._

_Kelley rolled her eyes. She’s actually never seen Christen this drunk before, usually she stopped when she felt a strong buzz._

_“You can barely walk straight. LETS GO.” Kelley yelled. It wasn’t that she yelled really loud, but she hasn’t been this pissed at Christen in a very long time and she was losing her control on her emotions. She shook her head._

_“Don’t be mean to me.” Christen whined._

_“Stop Christen.” Kelley said as she stood and waited for Christen to stop being difficult and for her to walk forward. Her patience had run out. She waited until the girl walked ahead of her before she moved her feet._

_“Well if you hadn’t brought her over, none of this would have happened!” Christen exclaimed._

_Kelley kept her mouth shut while her body charged with anger. It took everything in her power for her feet to keep going forward._

_“Why don’t you love me? Why did you invite her to your birthday-”_

_“OH MY GOD, Chris. STOP.” Kelley yelled. And she yelled loudly._

_This time she walked past Christen and kept walking. She didn’t stop until she got down the block, and then she waited for the girl to catch up. She kept her hands in her pocket and her teeth clenched so that she wouldn’t say something stupid. Kelley just wanted to get her home safely and end the night._

_“Ya know, you don’t have to be an asshole the whole way.” Christen said drunkenly._

_Kelley bit down hard on her teeth. She moved again when Christen continued to walk past her._

_Kelley held Christen’s clutch when she was trying to take her heels off, and Kelley ended up holding onto those two. They were close to the apartment anyways, and they just needed to climb the stairs._

_“Come in.”_

_“No.” Kelley said when she firmly, yet gently when she pushed Christen’s hands that were around her neck and put them back down by her side._

_“Why??” Christen asked. She looked so hurt and she was disillusioned by the events of this night because of the alcohol that was circulating throughout the system._

_“Christen stop. Im gonna get you water and then you gotta hit the hay.” Kelley said with a shake of her head. Her ex-girlfriend had never ever been this drunk before._

_“Why are you being like this to me??” Christen cried._

_“Christen.” Kelley took a deep breath. She wanted to her ex to stop touching her, but she needed to get it all under control._

_“You LITERALLY ruined my birthday. I left MY party in order to take you home because your-whatever the fuck she is- ditched and left you because you were being the ABSOLUTE WORST!” Kelley tried to put the brakes on it, but it was all happening so fast._

_“She-that doesn’t-“_

_“You haven’t talked to me in MONTHS. You blocked me on EVERYTHING. You expect me to be okay with the fact that you stood me up and got a NEW FUCKING GIRLFRIEND the DAY after you left me hanging! Fuck!” Kelley yelled. She was going to crash head on._

_“You showed up fucking wasted to a party that you weren’t even invited to-”_

_“But I love you.” Christen said. She started crying._

_“Fuck, Christen.” Kelley couldn’t believe what was happening. She didn’t know how to handle._

_“I’ve given you what you wanted. I left you alone. I pretended like nothing ever happened at practices. You? You decide on my birthday that you want to bring this all back? You fuck your girlfriend in MY FUCKING BED!” Kelley couldn’t help the tear that fell on the side of her cheek._

_“Then you want to cuss out a girl that I’m not even interested in? Not that it’s any of your business! God-fucki-shit Christen! Even your own girlfriend couldn’t handle you tonight!”_

_Kelley had to wipe her mouth from the spit that flew from her loud yelling mouth._

_“She’s not my girlfriend.” Christen said quietly._

_“Really?? Cause seeing her in between your legs on my fucking bed made it seem like she is.”_

_Christen looked at her with fearful eyes that had a sense of sobriety about them. It looked like Christen was finally realizing what she had done when in another state of mind._

_“It didn’t mean anything.” Christen said softly._

_Kelley stepped back from the hands of Christen that were reaching for her. Before tonight, she would have never stepped back from the only thing she wanted in this world._

_“I’m sorry.”_

_Kelley gave a dry chuckle. An apology. It was useless._

_“I haven’t talked to you in awhile and I missed you and I didn’t want to see you with someone else.” Christen explained._

_There was so many things that Kelley wanted to say in response to that, but she was tired. And she was sad, and she was feeling very defeated that her anger was fading, and she was starting to fall In love with Christen again after all that happened. She felt pathetic. She was the sober one but she felt like she had no power._

_Kelley wanted to get away. So she walked away._

_“Kelley! Please!” The sound of Christen saying her name, no matter what the tone, felt like the best birthday present. She didn’t want to do this._

_“I was scared!” Christen explained._

_Kelley turned back around._

_“I…I was falling in love with you again! T-that terrified me! And I didn’t mean for it to be like this. I didn’t want you to hurt me again”_

_Kelley wondered how it was all supposed to be. Why couldn’t they make it work even though they were two smart people?_

_“So you hurt me instead?” She asked desperately._

_“I couldn’t handle it then.” Christen said. “But I can handle it now.”]_

_“No you can’t.” Kelley said sadly. She walked back towards Christen to lead her back inside._

_“Yes I can-”_

_Kelley firmly grabbed Christen’s hand, closed the door behind them, and then brought her to the bedroom._

_“No!” Christen protested when Kelley made her way to walk back out. “I can-“_

_“You’re drunk Ms. Press.” Kelley said sadly. “This conversation isn’t happening tonight. I wanted to make sure you got home safe.”_

_She looked at Christen who’s eyes looked so desperate and were pleading something of her._

_But she was certain that she couldn’t have this talk. Not tonight when Christen was drunk._

_“Goodnight, Chris.”_

_++_

_“Okay, I get that you’re mad. But don’t take it out on me.” Kelley said softly._

_Christen looked like she wanted to respond. But she didn’t. Instead she walked away and clapped her cleats together very obnoxiously to get the mud out from the studs on the way back to the lockers. Kelley just kept a good distance from her, didn’t sit next to her on the bus, and even hung out in the lobby to get a cup of tea and chill with the rest of their teammates while Christen went up to the room._

_Kelley didn’t expect Christen to really appreciate the lilies that she left on Christen’s nightstand after the day of training that they had today._

_Christen was doing badly. Kelley didn’t know why but her performance was uncharacteristically low, and she was already under a ton of pressure after being knocked down in the line to being the starting forward for the national team._

_But Kelley kept checking her phone in case her roommate did want to talk to her once she had found the flowers._

_It never came._

_It was past 11 by the time she was sliding her key card in the door to enter the room._

_It was empty. Christen’s suitcases were still there, but the owner of them, not._

_++_

_The next time she saw Christen was at breakfast. Kelley didn’t know who Christen must have shared rooms with last night, but she didn’t ask, and she didn’t go up to her._

_Kelley didn’t expect Christen to ride in the same van to practice, but it still stung when she saw Christen latch onto Julie and go to that van instead._

_She handed the post session bottle to Christen, who took it wordlessly and walked away._

_“Geez Ms. Press lighten up!” Kelley said in a  baiting, joking tone. The usual success rate of it was 50/50, so she shrugged when Christen just gave her an annoyed look and walked away._

_And after that look, Kelley was addicted. She started intentionally defending Christen in exercises, she was more than her usual obnoxious self when she was shouting her instructions to shutting down Christen down when she attacked up the flank._

_“Fucking stop.” Christen said when Kelley had toe poked the ball easily from the big touch on the ball that Christen took._

_“Or What Press?” She asked loudly. She had a big grin on her face because it was working._

_Christen turned back around to walk away. Kelley snickered._

_She upped the intensity with which she defended Christen. No balls came behind her, she shut down Christen completely. Kelley had her hand on Christen’s arms to get a sense of where she was while the ball was traveling up the left flank._

_Christen swatted it away. Kelley grinned. She put her hand there again. Christen didn’t look her way when she pushed it off again. Kelley did it again. And again. By the time two more balls had been served, Christen was so fed up that when Kelley’s fingers grazed her arm she grabbed it and threatened to bend it all the way back._

_“Why are you so mad?” Kelley asked her quietly but with a satisfaction of getting the response, when she used her other hand to grab Christen’s jersey and bring her closer._

_“Because you’re being a dick.” Christen muttered when she pushed Kelley away and set up to receive the next ball._

_It was working._

_Next ball Kelley put her hand on the side of Christen when she had received the ball and tugged at her jersey just a little, but the momentum of their two bodies caused for the both of them to crash to the ground._

_“KELLEY!”_

_“What?” She raised her hand ups to absolve her of her guilt while she chuckled._

_Christen’s eyes were filled with rage._

_Mission accomplished._

_The next ball played, Kelley got megged. The next, she lost sight of Christen who headed an inswinger in from Rose. The next, she didn’t make, but she was successful in beating Kelley on a one v one._

_Kelley tried to hide the small smile on the corner of her lips when she saw Christen smile to herself when the team called out in support and admiration of her._

_Kelley felt like she did some good today._

_++_

_Kelley put her stuff down when Christen and whoever that other person straightened themselves up._

_“Sorry.” Kelley called out._

_“Oh no it’s our bad, we didn’t know when you were coming back.” The woman said._

_Kelley chuckled._

_“I’m XXXXX, by the way.” The woman said with a wave and a big smile from Christen’s bed._

_“Sup XXXXX. I’m Kelley.”_

_Turns out that Kelley liked hanging out with her. She was cool. And she liked hanging out with Kelley. So much that she went out with Kelley and the rest of the team. Kelley thought that it was the right thing to do since this was the new person in Christen’s life._

_She thought she was doing the right thing, but apparently it was not._

_“Why are you mad?” Kelley asked when she intercepted Christen on her way to the bathroom and she grabbed the hem of Christen’s dress and pulled her close and held her. It was dark, and there was no one they knew by them._

_“Stop being nice.” Christen said with a sigh._

_“What??” Kelley laughed in disbelief._

_“Stop doing nice things.” Christen said seriously._

_“Why?” Kelley asked when she tightened her hold around her best friend._

_“You know why. Stop.” Christen said softly._

_Kelley let go of Christen, feeling like she was 22_ _all over again, pining over someone who didn’t really want her. She felt like a fool._

_“Don’t get me flowers that I like.” Christen said harshly._

_“Don’t be sweet to me in saving me a seat.”_

_Kelley looked away._

_“Don’t help me on the field.” Christen commanded._

_“And don’t make friends with XXXXX.”_

_“I’m just trying to be nice.” Kelley muttered._

_“Well, DON’T.” Christen said as she ran her fingers through her straightened and long beautiful hair._

_“Why not?”_

_“Because this dress I’m wearing isn’t for you, Kelley!”_

_“I didn’t say it was.” Kelley said weakly. “I…Christen, we agreed that we wanted each other in our lives. I-I’m trying to be a good friend to you.”_

_“Well, don’t.” Christen said with resignation._

_“Why? What did I do?” Kelley begged for the answer._

_Christen didn’t answer._

_She grabbed her hand. Christen quickly withdrew it._

_“You’re going to do what you always do.” She said with a warning tone._

_“Stop punishing me for things I haven’t done yet!” Kelley exclaimed._

_“Oh so you weren’t trying to be friends with her to get on her good side?” Christen asked when she crossed her arms._

_“NO. I wasn’t!” Kelley called back strongly. She pulled on Christen’s dress to bring her close again._

_“Oh C’MON Kelley! This is what you did with the last girlfriend! You’re telling me that you’re not trying to manipu-”_

_“YOU ARE PUNISHING ME FOR THINGS YOU ALREADY FORGAVE ME FOR!” Christen didn’t push her away, but the both of them were heated._

_“I’m being nice to her because you care about her. And I care about you. You told me to be better and im fucking doing that. You forgive me for that or you don’t. But you don’t get to bring that back up everytime you wanna fuck me, Christen.”_

_Christen didn’t have a response. That’s what Kelley thought._

_“Stop being angry at me for being exactly the person I’ve been trying to convince you that I can be.” Kelley said ironically with a lot of anger. She turned and wanted to storm off so bad and run all the way back to the hotel. She didn’t need this._

_But she didn’t get to._

_Because Christen yanked her back by the hand, and pushed Kelley into the bathroom and pulled her by her collar into the nearest bathroom stall and locked it_

_++_

_“Really?”_

_Christen nodded. She grabbed the handle of her suitcase and tried to get out of there, only stopping when Kelley tried to stop her and remind her about last night._

_“Why am I not enough?” Kelley whispered into her ear._

_She waited as Christen habitually grabbed onto her t-shirt and fiddled with the fabric in between her fingers. There was silence for a good long time._

_“Because you’re not enough.” Christen said without looking at her. She said it before she quickly gave Kelley a kiss on the cheek before she could process the words, and walked out the door with her suitcase._

_Kelley never really recovered from that._

_++_

_It had been a very long time since she’s seen Christen this way._

_She’s kept all the pictures, but they didn’t do her ex/best friend any justice. Kelley climbed up to the head of the bed and laid her head on her best friend’s lap when she was putting on Kelley’s shirt over her bare upper body._

_“Come see my mom. She wants to see you.” Kelley said softly._

_Christen kissed her on the lips before she wriggled out of the bed to go brush her teeth and get ready and decent for the day. Kelley laid there blissfully while she listened to the sound of running water and intense teeth brushing._

_“I know Erin wants to say hi.” She called out._

_The brushing stopped._

_“Erin? Erin O’Hara?” Christen asked with her mouth filled with toothpaste._

_“Yes. My sister.” Kelley nodded._

_“Your sister hates me.”_

_“No she doesn’t. Come by the house.” She said again._

_Kelley silently watched Christen roam around the small room they had gotten at the inn. She smiled when she saw the intense confusion when Christen thought that she had lost her passport even though Kelley remembered that she had put it in her bag on the side pocket._

_It felt nice to have Christen like this, even if it was just for two days._

_Kelley sat up on the bed when Christen was zipping up her suitcases for her flights back to Chicago._

_“C’mon. it will just be 30 minutes. Just to say hi and then we’re outta there.” Kelley begged._

_She watched as Christen slowly ran her fingers through her hair. Her best friend traced the outline of her lips with her fingers and then looked at her for a very long time. Christen squeezed Kelley’s nose when she said, “I’d love to. But I can’t.”_

_“Why not?” Kelley asked, trying to mask the sadness._

_Christen stepped away and grabbed her jack. And without look at Kelley, she said “Because XXXXXX is picking me up.”_

_Christen eventually turned and leaned on the desk that was tucked away in the corner of the room._

_“What…?”_

_“She’s picking me up and taking me to the airport.” Christen said quietly._

_Kelley rubbed at her chest because it started aching. She wiped her eyes because they started leaking._

_“Why?” She managed to squeak out._

_“Because she’s my girlfriend, babe.” Christen replied._

_“I thought…-you-I thought you said that it was done that you guys were- it was rough and you called it quits.” Kelley said, feeling her heartbeat rise._

_“Kelley, I want this.” Christen said softly when she crossed the distance and stood over here and brushed her face with her hand. “I want this more than anything.”_

_“Okay…well you can have it.” Kelley said, super flustered and confused._

_“Then you’re okay? We’re okay?” Christen asked, her voice still soft. It was confusing and worry Kelley._

_“What? I don’t get it. What do you want if you’re still calling her your girlfriend? What is it that you want?” She demanded._

_“This.”_

_Kelley looked around. She looked at the TV that must have been more than five years old. She looked at the air conditioning unit that was broken. She looked down at the king sized bed she was sitting on. She looked at the small soap bars on the sink._

_Christen wanted on-the-down-low one night stands with her in shitty motels when their teams played each other._

_“Are you saying that you just want to use each other for sex?” She clarified._

_“You and I are in different cities. We have our own lives, and you have that thing with what’s-her-face.I want this. No one does it like you. But XXXXXX lives in the same city as me.”_

_Kelley took a second to breathe and compose herself before she picked up her clothes and hopefully her dignity._

_“What’re you doing?” Christen asked sadly._

_Kelley didn’t answer. It was apparent what she was doing. And she wanted to get out of that room as quickly as possible because that was probably the first time in her life that she ever felt like she possibly hated Christen._

_++_

_Kelley didn’t mean it._

_Really._

_She was trying hard NOT to slide tackle Christen like she usually would have done in the box, but Christen had gotten that one touch and she was right in zone 14. And when Christen Press is in zone 14, you know that the ball is gonna go in the net._

_So she did what was tactically best. Toe down, all ball, no whistle, and more importantly, no goal._

_But Christen of course fell down hard on the turf as a result._

_“WHAT THE FUCK?!” Christen yelled as she wiped the residual amount of blood off from her elbow and all of the black rubber pellets that were underneath the green turf._

_Kelley offered her hand to help Christen up, who replied to that gesture by hitting it away._

_Kelley just rolled her eyes._

_“That’s fucked up, Kelley.” Christen growled._

_“It was clean.” Kelley said with irritation._

_“Fuck you, Kelley.”_

_“Fine.” Was all she said when she walked away because she could see Becky in the distance, staring her down to warn her not to get in a fight. When Kelley turned, the first thing she saw was a camera that was broadcasting all of this on Lifetime._

_She hoped her mom wasn’t watching._

_++_

_“It was clean. But I didn’t do it maliciously. You were right on the 18 and I had lost track of you.” Kelley said when she wiped all the sweat from her face and she managed to track Christen down on the field post-match._

_Christen didn’t say anything._

_“Suck it up. It’s a fucking game, I’ve never gone easy on you.” Kelley chastised her._

_“that’s funny, because I always go easy on you.” Christen fired back quickly, without looking at Christen. She KNEW that would piss Kelley off. Kelley was competitive and she had a will unlike any other, and Christen knew that Kelley hated it when people went easy on her._

_Christen didn’t go easy on her. Ever. And she didn’t tonight, but she knew that if she said that it would rile Kelley up._

_“Don’t take your sexual frustration out on me.” Kelley said harshly._

_“Oh- give me a fucking break, Kelley!” Christen said as she threw her hands up in the air. Kelley really hoped that none of the cameras were filming this part of the field._

_“That was four months ago. Get over it.” She said with a shake of her head._

_Kelley would never get over it. Christen had used her in that small quality inn in downtown Atlanta and she didn’t share with anyone on this planet about how she felt truly and emotionally violated. It wasn’t anything she would ever tell anyone, let alone the woman who she felt violated her._

_For a second, she didn’t know what to say to Christen’s harsh and insensitive words that she didn’t know made Kelley actually want to cry and search for her mother to hug._

_But then she stood a little taller._

_“Four months. That’s a long time to deal with shitty sex from someone who has yet to give you an orgasm.“ She sneered._

_“you know what Kell? I didn’t want to make you feel bad, but really the person who has yet to give me an orgasm, is YOU.” Christen said._

_“Fuck..” Becky said a little louder than she meant to._

_Julie coughed somewhere in the background and asked most of the Red stars to start heading to the locker room, even though everyone heard what Christen said._

_Kelley’s shoulders dropped. She tried to keep a neutral expression as she stared at Christen, who looked like she regretted her last words. Her best friend’s face had a sincere apology forming on the lines of it, but Kelley just picked up the shin guards she had laying around before she went back to the locker room, not looking at anyone._

_++_

_“Christen, can you not?” Becky asked very seriously when she stepped in between Christen and a very forlorn Kelley sitting at the bar._

_They had just finished their last game since the Royals were not going to make it to the playoffs, so Kelley had every right to go all out tonight with the team. But she was glad she didn’t since all of them had run into the red stars, who were going to the playoffs._

_Kelley could tell that the girls on her team, she didn’t know who, coordinated with the girls in Chicago so that Christen would get her chance to apologize for the scene she made more than a month ago. She insincerely wanted to apologize to Kelley, but everyone who was on that field after that game felt the Christen had to as well. It was bad._

_The only one who seemed to want to help Kelley out was Becky._

_“I just wanted to talk to her.”_

_“You’ve said enough Christen.” Becky interjected._

_Christen looked defeated._

_“Kelley, I’m really sorry.” She directed her words to the person it was meant for._

_All she did was nod. She had heard the message. Now she wanted her to go away because they were at a bar, and it wasn’t the right place to be like this._

_“Kay. You said what you needed to say.” Becky said as she tried to shoo Christen away._

_“Kelley, do you hate me?” Christen asked desperately._

_She didn’t hate Christen. But she didn’t respond._

_“Beck I want to go back to the hotel.” She whispered into her friend’s ear._

_She was thankful that Becky granted her wish._

_++_

_Kelley knew before she opened the door, who it was._

_“I’m really sorry. I have never ever- I didn’t mean it and it’s far from the truth.” Christen begged of Kelley to understand. She stormed inside before Kelley could prevent her from coming in._

_She sighed. She closed the door, knowing that she didn’t want this to be a long night. She wouldn’t be able to survive it._

_“Kelley, you KNOW me! No one has ever-” Christen wiped her eyes. She was freaking out._

_“I’ve never not had an-I didn’t mean it! And I said it because I wanted to hurt you and I’m a fucking idiot for ever doin that to you!” Christen was hyperventilating._

_“But I miss you and it’s not true!” Christen said when she desperately clung to the sleeve of kelley’s shirt._

_Kelley didn’t say anything. She figured that if she stopped fighting with Christen like she always did, this conversation would end sooner._

_“Kelley. No one has EVER made me feel the way you make me feel in bed. No one. Ever.” Christen strongly stated._

_She looked at her best friend’s eyes, searching for some life in her._

_“Kelley, please say something.”_

_Christen was rocking back and forth on her heels while she waited. Her hand was shaking with every second that passed. She was getting nervous and her anxiety was at an all time high, and all the while, Kelley was standing there, lifeless._

_“Please.” She begged again. She kissed her._

_No response._

_“I didn’t mean it.” Christen repeated. She kissed Kelley even deeper this time._

_“Kelley, fucking please. I can’t li-please!” She got desperate._

_Christen pushed Kelley onto the bed and threw off her dress in one swoop and her lips attached to Kelley’s neck._

_But her best friend just laid there, looking at the popcorn on the ceiling of the room, her mind far away._

_Christen eventually stopped. She was still on top of Kelley’s body when she just started crying. The crying turned into sobbing as she laid there her head in the crook of Kelley’s neck. But still Kelley didn’t touch her. She didn’t wrap her arms around her like she would have._

_Christen sat up and she looked for the girl she loved in those eyes to see if she wasn’t too far gone._

_“Where are you? Please come back down.” Christen said as she held her best friend’s face._

_“I’m a bitch. I know it. And you’re sweet and no one on earth deserves you and please fucking come down from wherever you are.” She pleaded._

_Kelley slowly sat up._

_Her face was so neutral. It was dead. It was scary._

_“I think you should leave.” Kelley said calmly._

_“Why?” She didn’t want to leave._

_“Because I’m not enough.” Kelley said simply._

_Christen grabbed bunches of Kelley’s shirt in her hands._

_“You’re more than enough.” She desperately said. Those were words she didn’t mean either._

_“I’m not.” Kelley said, her tone calm as ever._

_“You’ve proven to me time and time again that no matter what you say, I’m not good enough.” Kelley continued. “I forgive you for what happened at the last game. And I’ll take your word for it when you say that I’ve given you an orgasm.”_

_Christen grabbed even more bunches of Kelley’s shirt because she could feel a ‘but’ coming._

_“But I’m not good enough. And there’s a reason that that beautiful diamond ring on your hand yesterday in your story isn’t the one I’d buy you. ”_

_Christen instantly felt the skin around the engagement ring she had taken off (kept off) for the night._

_“I was going to tell you about it.” She said quietly._

_“I wouldn’t have wanted to hear it.” Kelley said simply. “So I’ll move on, okay? I’ll find somone else-”_

_“No! You’re not talking about XXXX. She’s not your type and she doesn’t deserve you Kelley!” Christen fought back._

_“Christen, don’t. This isn’t you-”_

_“No! You’re not dating her, Kelley! I’m not- it’s not. I know you don’t like her.” Christen pushed._

_“I’m with her.” Kelley said with a nod._

_“No. You’re not.”_

_“You don’t get a say.” Kelley said calmly._

_“YES I FUCKING DO!” Christen asserted._

_“I have a piece of your heart, I have a fucking right to you!”_

_Kelley leaned back just a little as those words bounced off the walls of the room, and off the walls of her mind._

_She looked at Christen. Really, truly, deeply looked at her._

_“Fine. Do whatever it is that you want to me.” Kelley said as she shrugged and then laid back down onto her elbows._

_Christen furrowed her brow in confusion._

_“You want to fuck me whenever you’re in town, go ahead.” Kelley said with a shrug._

_“You want to fuck me whenever you realize that you don’t love your fiancé and that you’re making a mistake? Sure.”_

_Christen climbed off of Kelley and started putting her dress on._

_“You want to fuck me because no one else can? Okay.”_

_Christen started crying. Kelley was still laying down on the bed, propped on her elbows, watching her._

_“You want to use me because you know that I’m your property? Why not? You’ve done it once, you can do it as much as you want.”_

_While Christen started break down in front of her, Kelley didn’t move a muscle. She really was far up in her clouds, and she was devoid of any emotion._

_“Kelley. I love you. I could never not love you. No matter what other shitty things I’ve said to you, I mean THOSE WORDS more than anything else.” Christen said strongly._

_“Those words are all I have to give you to express how much I want-I wish -how much you mean to me.”_

_“They’re not enough.”_

_Christen felt it all break loose._

_“Get out.”_

 

**

 

“I need a beer.” Nikki said.

“Shit, I need a cigarette after all of that.” Sam said.

Erin laughed.

”Are you sure that you really believe that Christen is the only person who can make your sister happy? Cause all of that...” Nikki shook her head  

“What you  know isn’t even the half of it that I want to tell you.  I think that happened when they were like 26 maybe? It’s been four years since then. They’ve completely changed their relationship after all that. They didn’t talk for a VERY LONG time.”

“So did Christen get married?” Nikki asked.

“We-”

They all turned at the sound of the tires of Karen’s car coming up the driveway.

“The whole clan is here! Well except for Christen. Where is Christen?” Karen asked when both her and her daughter got out.

“Uh….”

“Mmmm…”

“She’s probably with her agent, mom.” Kelley said.

They all agreed.

“Yeah with her agent.” Nikki said.

The three  that were still sitting on all of the boxes watched as Kelley excitedly grabbed a helmet and strapped it on so that it was really tight.

“You bitches ready to ride?????” She asked excitedly.

 

++

 

//

 

“But you’re wrong.” Christen adamantly proclaimed.

“How??” Tobin inquired.  

Christen could feel her words coming up like it was vomit.

“You said that you’re like Kelley-like you guys both know whats going to happen.” Christen said.

“And?”

“You and Kelley feel like you know everything, but really all you know is that I’m falling in loving and that you or Kelley had the power to end it the way you guys wanted to end it, giving me no fucking choice.” Christen said, her eyes never unwavering.

And now it was Tobin’s turn to gulp down some challenging words.

This was the burden Christen carried on her shoulders, never to hand it off to someone to help.

This was the heartbreak that Tobin painted a picture of. It was palpable.

And Tobin was smart enough to know that.

“You can think about YOUR version of my relationship with Kelley in YOUR head, but all you’ve done is wasted the time that I’m ACTUALLY here, right in front of you, saying that I’m falling for you. It only been a few months, but I’m actually falling in love with you.”

Tobin blinked several times before either of them said another word.

“If you’ve _really,_ and I mean _really,_ have known how things are going to end up with me, then you know that it’s a fucking devastating thing to watch me get heartbroken by someone that feels like they’re so entitled to my emotions.” Christen said with venom.

“You DON’T know the whole story between her and I. And neither does she. Nor do I.”

Christen breathed in some air. She wiped the moisture from her eyes. She didn’t know how she was going to stop now that it was all coming out.

“Don’t. Don’t take my heart and break it in THE SAME WAY, in THE SAME EXACT SPOT like Kelley has. You’ve painted a picture of it. And you know how to do it. But please don’t.” Christen demanded.

Tobin looked down at her injured hand.

“I’m telling you that I want to keep seeing you.” Christen stated.

“I’m not asking you to marry me, I’ve done it once before. I’m not even asking you to call me your girlfriend. I’m just asking you to stop feeling entitled to how I should feel about you.”

“And if you can’t take that for what it is…just- Don’t underestimate me. Don’t make the mistake in thinking that I’m gonna let ANOTHER person that I’ve fallen for, tell me what I am and who I am and what I feel and what I deserve.” Christen said strongly.

“Don’t.” She pleaded once more.

Tobin looked like she had just met her match. Christen’s checkmate echoed all throughout her mind.

 “I think I’ve fallen in love with you.” Tobin said, her mouth wide open in awe.

 

 

 


	12. I'm going to need help with that

_They were all sweaty, but Christen knew that she was more exhausted than everyone else. She didn’t’ even know how she was walking right now. It was the first day that she decided to finally attend a training practice and go on a light jog while she could hang around her new team. Her jog og two miles took so much out of her._

_“Look at her, she’s such a gentleman.” Alli said when she nudged her in the shoulder and pointed at the figure standing by the doors._

_“Shutup Al.” Christen muttered. No one had known about her date last night with Kelley, so she knew that her friend’s words meant no harm, but Christen didn’t want to admit to herself that she was really nervous about seeing Kelley after class. She didn’t know if the girl was gonna act like it never happened._

_“Hey Kell.” Alli said._

_“Hey.” Kelley said very bashfully. It wasn’t how she usually acted towards Allison._

_“Why are you being so weird?” Alli asked._

_“I’m not being weird.” Kelley said._

_“Yes you are. Do you hold the door for all your booty calls? Asking for a friend.” Allison smirked._

_“I don’t do that anymore.” Kelley said indignantly._

_“whatever you say, Kell.” Alli said with a chuckle._

_Kelley usually engaged in banter with Allison, but this time she wasn’t laughing._

_“Okay, okay.” Alli said, backing off. “But I know you’re not holding the door open for me. Right Christen?”_

_Kelley’s face got really red, while Allie grew very satisfied with the reaction. Christen tried to get Kelley to look at her. It seemed like the older girl was really flustered and seriously reconsidering ever doing anything nice._

_“Hey, c’mon let go up, Im ready to get outta here.” Christen said to Alli. She ushered her into the building before she discreetly grabbed onto some of Kelley’s fingers and gave them a soft squeeze._

_She was happy that Kelley looked surprised and in awe of that small gesture._

_Christen didn’t know if any of her other teammates who were still a good distance away from the door saw what she did, but Kelley’s face was worth it. She looked like she realized how much Christen had been thinking of her, too._

_Christen followed Alli into the locker, but she looked back one more time to see Kelley still looking at her._

_++_

_Christen peaked around the corner. She could see Kelley sitting down by the benches in the lobby of the facilities with her backpack still on her shoulders, typing something on her phone._

_She looked like the concentration was going to kill her._

_Christen felt her phone vibrate:_

_O’Hara: Hey this is k did you leave already?_

_Christen couldn’t hide the big grin that wouldn’t leave her face._

_Kelley had waited for her._

_Kelley must have forgotten that Ali Riley had given her Kelley’s phone number a long time ago when Ali was casually campaigning for Kelley for her affection._

_Christen: you’ve given me your # before ya know_

_She looked around the corner again. Christen saw Kelley scratch her head in confusion._

_O’hara: was I drunk? Cuz I tend to be a dumbass when that happens_

_Christen: I can delete it if you didn’t meant to give it to me_

_She could see Kelley put her face in her hands and shake her head in disappointment of the way this conversation was going down. She could see Kelley calling herself an idiot._

_She could see that the girl was looking down at their conversation, thinking very hard about what she was supposed to say. Kelley had been looking at it for over a minute before Christen decided to help her out._

_Christen: I haven’t left_

_O’Hara: Im here downstairs_

_Christen grew nervous._

_O’Hara: I can wait for you if you want unless you got plans_

_She could see Kelley nervously tapping her foot while she waited for a response. It was cute._

_Christen: I want you to wait_

_She could see Kelley give herself a little congratulations and a pat on the back when she saw her text._

_++_

_“What’s wrong?” She asked when Kelley had pulled away quickly and asked Christen to wait_

_“I…” She could see the way the older girl in front of her looked down at her dirty white crew socks and shoes and shifted her weight from one foot to the other. Christen gripped the sides of Kelley’s torso when she realized that Kelley was avoiding her gaze._

_“What is it?” Christen asked. She wiped the gloss from their kiss off of Kelley’s lips before she raised Kelley’s chin up._

_Kelley still didn’t budge. Christen wrapped her arms around the girl in front of brought her very close. The embrace was tight._

_“I can keep this quiet if you wanted that.” Kelley finally said. “I know we haven’t talked about this- whatever it is. But no one has to know.”_

_“Oh.” Christen stepped back from the embrace. She stepped so far back that the column on the side of the building wasn’t hiding her from the view of all the people walking around campus and on the walkway._

_“I know that you’ve heard somethings about me from Alli or someone else and I know that you might not want the team to know. So I’m just letting you know that it’s okay if you didn’t want to be…” Kelley didn’t finish her sentence._

_“Be what?”_

_“Be something…with me.” Kelley said. She looked truly defeated._

_This has been the third week that Christen had been able to kiss Kelley, but she was starting to see a very vulnerable person in front of her._

_“Alli hasn’t said anything.” Christen said softly. “She actually really likes you. And I knew that about you before we met.”_

_“I’m not like that.” Kelley said cautiously._

_“I’m not saying that you are.” Christen assured her. She stepped to be closer to her again and cradled the face of this person who was intriguing her._

_“And what would I not want the team to know?” She inquired._

_“That we-” She could see the way Kelley’s eyes glossed over when she stopped midsentence. She could see the cloud in her eyes and maybe in her head make way for something else for Kelley to focus on._

_“That we what?” Christen asked before she gave the older girl a kiss that she would always remember._

_When they broke apart, through heavy breaths, “That we- that I…”_

_“I really like you Kell.” She whispered when she picked up Kelley’s hand and placed it right over her own heart for her to feel the fast pace it was beating at. It was too soon to tell her that she had fallen for her already, but she hoped that her physical heart would say it for her._

_“Why would I NOT want anyone to know about this?” She asked. Kelley looked at her eyes and then at her heart. Christen figured that maybe she was trying to really look for Christen’s heart so that she could confirm that it really was hers. Even if this was only the third week, the ownership of each other felt inevitable._

_“Because I…” Christen could see the genuine fear in Kelley’s face. It was something unique. She didn’t think that this situation would call for such a reaction but here she was staring at something that Kelley has never given someone. Her wide-open, vulnerable heart._

_“Because I don’t know what I’m doing. If you wanted to break my heart, it’s here for you to have. ” Kelley said. Her voice sounded really shaky and Christen could tell that this girl in front of her hadn’t planned to reveal any of this._

_“I’ve never been with someone.” Kelley admitted. “I don’t know how to be a good person for someone. I still haven’t even figured out how to be good to myself.”_

_“If you didn’t want to deal with this-If you wanted to stop it right now before anyone knows…I understand.” The older girl said._

_Christen felt like this is the most injured Kelley’s ever been. This vulnerability, this impairment she was inflicting on herself, was an injury that no one has been able to heal._

_And Kelley was in her own way, asking her for help._

_“I want your heart. Period.” Christen said softly when she brushed the hairs away from Kelley’s face and behind her ear._

_“But if I’m going to have it, I want all of it.” She said._

_“It means this, too.” She said quietly when she placed her finger on Kelley’s forehead to indicate that she wanted the piece of her that drove her heart and drove her body. Christen didn’t expect that gesture to make Kelley start tearing, but it was the raw response that her words induced. She wiped the trails on Kelley’s face of her unexpected tears._

_“I’m going to need help with that.” Kelley admitted before she crumbled in Christen’s arms. This was something that Christen never knew Kelley would give her so soon. It’s not something she knew existed. But now that it was here in front of her, she wanted to keep it for herself, forever._

_++_

_Kelley was going to be late. Again._

_Christen had to admit that she found Kelley’s desire to sacrifice a few minutes of training just to see her, felt satisfying. From what she heard, Kelley was 100% committed to the team and to training, so even though she knew she should feel bad about liking it so much, it provided her with some validation._

_She was learning that under the surface, beyond public charisma, Kelley rarely gave people the true parts of her. Christen could see it when Kelley would give an inspiring speech before the game, only to hold Kelley close at night because she feared she wasn’t enough to lead the team._

_She got another taste of it when they were both in her bed doing homework, and Karen had called. Kelley hesitated to answer it, but Christen urged her to. She could see it when she whined to her mother about anything and everything and gave her a dismissing goodbye.  But Christen also saw that Kelley had texted her mom to see if she liked her new friend, and that she smiled when Karen said she did._

_She realized it when Kelley would cringe when people reminded her of her accolades._

_She understood that Kelley wanted the spotlight on her so she could control what she wanted to leave in the dark._

_And Christen felt herself falling for her more and more everyday. Those hidden parts were mysterious, they were intriguing, and most of all, they were largely unascertained._

_So she felt special when Kelley displayed that she wanted Christen to stick around._

_But right now, she was going to be late to practice, so Christen gave her the fifth ‘goodbye’ kiss before she kicked her out of the training room so that she would finally go and be responsible._

_“Ugh. You guys make me want to vomit.” Emily said._

_++_

_“Oh. Um…”_

_Christen released a laugh when Kelley sprinted for the door on the left of the hallways and put her arms out wide to block entry._

_“it’s…I wasn’t expecting anyone. I might have to clean something up and put things away.” Kelley murmured. Her face was getting red._

_Christen wanted to protest. Usually she was a neat freak, but she wasn’t expecting it to be immaculate. It was a college dorm, for God’s sake._

_“Kell I’m not gonna-“_

_But Kelley didn’t budge. In fact she intercepted an incoming Christen and insisted she stay out here for two min while she cleaned things up._

_“Two minutes. Tops!” Kelley said after she unlocked it and made sure that the door hadn’t swung open too much for her guest to see._

_Christen just smiled and she wondered if Kelley was okay because behind the doors she heard a bunch of grunts and and it sounded like Kelley was tearing the place apart._

_“You okay in there?” Christen called out._

_“Yeah yeah! Uh…actually two MORE MINUTES!”_

_Christen shook her head. She waited for more than two minutes before Kelley came out, breathing heavy and ready for her to come into this very tiny single dorm._

_“Um… its nothing special.” Kelley muttered while she shyly put her hands in the pocket of her hoodie._

_Christen looked around to see that Kelley’s bed was elevated and that her fridge, microwave and desk were all underneath the bed frame. There weren’t any pictures or anything on the walls or signs of Kelley’s personality. There was homework and school stuff lazily stuffed into piles that Christen was sure made no sense and had just been organized minutes before. By the bed frame ladder, she saw a basket FULL of dirty clothes and it’s lid was on top, but failing to close it because of the overflow._

_“We can go to your apartment to watch s-“_

_“No.” Christen said softly when she turned to look back at her._

_“I like it.” Christen said. “Except for the fact that your bed is up there, but no. I like it.”_

_Kelley’s face was getting more red._

_“Hey are you okay…” Christen grabbed Kelley’s hand to give some affection._

_“I’m just…I’m embarrassed.” Kelley mumbled._

_“Why?” Christen whispered as she put her arms around Kelley’s torso_

_“I’ve never…had anyone in here. It’s like a cave, I don’t know. I don’t usually clean because I don’t bring anyone here.” The girl admitted._

_“You haven’t brought ANYONE to the dorm? Not even Ali?” Christen asked._

_Kelley shook her head. But she kept her eyes low and her head hung with a sense of defeat._

_Christen squeezed Kelley a little tighter so that she could get the older girl to look at her._

_“Hey. What’s really going on? It’s not messy.” Christen reassured._

_“It was. I just threw everything in the hamper. And a few stuff in the closet.”Kelley said with a guilty little grin._

_“Okay…” Christen knew that Kelley understood that it was her turn to her talk and explain, because Christen would wait._

_Kelley sighed before she leaned on her bed frame and Christen followed._

_“I’ve never had someone in my space. I don’t know if I’m supposed to be a good host and give you a water bottle from my fridge. Or…I got some hummus in there too. I got Doritos you can eat it with.” Kelley suggested._

_“I get it, Kell. This is your space. This is where you unwind and all that. Where the crazy is created.” Christen said with a smile. “I can totally be respectful of this cave that you need. Some people just operate like you, it’s nothing wrong.”_

_Kelley nodded like she’s never thought of it That way._

_“C’mon. We can watch the movie at my apartment.” Christen softly suggested. She pulled Kelley by the hand to lead the way._

_But Kelley didn’t budge. Christen waited._

_There was obviously more to Kelley’s awkwardness._

_“I want you here.” Kelley said quietly. “I just don’t know how to be-I don’t know how to make you comfortable. I don’t know if I’m making sense-I don’t…”_

_Kelley thought on her words._

_“I’ve never brought someone in this room because I don’t like sharing some things. I don’t know, it’s just me, I’m weird. But…I want you to be here. If you want to. But if you don’t it’s okay too! I don’t know how to make you…want to stay.” Kelley said, more desperately than she herself expected._

_Christen realized something about Kelley when she heard those words._

_Kelley was different. She could tell from the words the girl chose when it was just the two of them, and by the things Kelley decided to share with her._

_This girl in front of her was the most charismatic introvert she’s ever met. She represented the two so well but in different parts of her life. On the team and on the field she was a leader. Sometimes, she didn’t shut up._

_She was the opposite of this girl in here giving a tour of her bedroom. Because this girl was introspective and and mysterious and really soft and quiet. It was charming in a really different way. It are Christen feel like she got to see something others didn’t._

_So with those words, she got to see the real Kelley O’Hara._

_“You don’t think very highly of yourself do you?” Christen asked sadly._

_Kelley’s body deflated. She looked timid._

_“Why would I?”_

_++_

_“Okay. Move out of the way.” She commanded. Kelley quickly moved and stood by the door behind Christen. Christen was looking at the room with one squinted eye and her fingers making the border of a screen for her to look at the room though._

_“Blue, purple, or green?”_

_“For wha-“_

_“Just pick.” Christen demanded._

_“You pick.” Kelley said when she kissed her on the top of her head from behind._

_“Blue. For now. Then purple next.”_

_She instructed Kelley to move the microwave and fridge over there, the desk was directed to be moved by the closet. Christen orchestrated a system for her to finally obtain some fengshui._

_“You have to do laundry.” Christen said with a chastising smile._

_“I know…” Kelley admitted._

_She made Kelley move everything three times, she got her to lower the bed so they wouldn’t have to climb to sleep, and she brought a picture and a frame from her apartment that was neutral enough for Kelley’s obvious taste for minimalism._

_“I love that picture…” Kelley said in awe when she realized what Christen brought over._

_“Don’t jack off to it.” Christen joked before she placed it on the wall._

_“No promises.” Kelley said in a singsong voice._

_“Well I’m gonna put a picture of you and your MOM next to it so…”_

_“Way to kill the mood…” Kelley pouted._

_“Do you even do homework here? Or do you just gotta throw papers you don’t need onto this desk?” Christen asked, already knowing the answer._

_She decided it was gonna be on the other side of the room for the TV to be set on so that you could see the screen from the bed._

_“I don’t have a tv.”_

_“Well then we’ll get one.” Christen said with a wave of her hand._

_“Hey. You have to put vegetables in here.” She observed._

_“Ew. Why?” Kelley inquired._

_“Because no matter how much of an asshole you can be sometimes, people will always stay if you have snacks. And carrots are my favorite snack.” Christen said with a wink._

_++_

_It had been two weeks since the first time she’s been in this room, and Kelley had given her free reign to make any change she wanted as long as she could fall asleep in there._

_“It’s your space. Are you sure you want me to take over?” Christen asked._

_“My cave isn’t just about the way it was setup. It’s just a location that has a door I can shut the world on.” She said with a shrug._

_“But I still want it to be yours.” Christen said gently._

_“I want you decorate and change it so that it reminds me of you when you’re not here.” Kelley said without looking at her._

_Christen didn’t know how Kelley could ever believe that no woman would fall for her. Kelley stuck her head in Christen’s neck and hung onto her tightly as they laid on Kelley’s bed._

_Most of the time, they were here instead of Christen’s apartment. It was small and with the adjustments made, it was cozy. After class Christen would stop by to take a nap before her next class sometimes even when Kelley wasn’t there. And after they went to go get groceries to fill the fridge up, it always had a bag of baby carrots in it._

_But there was a pet peeve of Christen’s that Kelley definitely exhibited._

_“Kell. Your bed.” She had stated some days ago._

_Kelley had rolled her eyes._

_“We are just gonna make a mess of it tonight.” She said suggestively._

_Christen knew that they probably would. But nevertheless, she fixed the sheets._

_“I’ll just do it when I’m here.” Christen said with a shrug._

_Kelley smirked at her. But then her features softened before she pulled her into the bed for them to lay in and for Kelley to hold her close._

_“You’re always here.” Kelley said as a matter of fact._

_“I guess I’m here to stay.” Christen said quietly._

_++_

_She wasn’t surprised to see Kelley waiting outside of her apartment, because Kelley was just like that. She didn’t text to say she was there and she didn’t call to ever let Christen know she was waiting._

_“I’m sorry.” Kelley said when Christen walked up close enough that she could see Kelley’s freckles. She saw the plastic bag in Kelley’s hand._

_“For what?” Christen shrugged her off._

_“I didn’t mean it. It was- I was just- and she was just joking.” Kelley pleaded her case. Christen wasn’t too sure if she wanted to forgive Kelley just yet for making fun of her in front of all of her friends._

_“Well tell you’re friends that they’re right. I’m a vegan hippy liberal with too much money to be authentic or get a clue.” Christen said with a fake smile._

_“They’re like that.” Kelley explained. “They crack jokes with everyone and they make fun of each other.”_

_“That was too far. I’m paraphrasing the three hours I spent in your dorm being made fun of. And you…you just stood there and let it happen because “it was al in good fun.” Christen said indignantly. She knew that people who were not in the room would accuse her of overreacting, but Kelley’s friends were over the top and it surprised Christen a little to see her with obnoxious people who weren’t soccer players._

_“I’m sorry.” Kelley said sadly._

_“It’s whatever, Kelley.” Christen said when she looked for her keys to go inside._

_“I don’t agree with them! I wasn’t saying anything that they were saying!” She explained._

_“Whatever Kell. They knew I was a vegan hippie liberal before I got there and the only way they would have know that was through you and the things you’ve said about me.” Christen said when she finally got her front door open._

_“I didn’t- I hadn’t told them anything about you.” Kelley defended._

_Christen held her breath. That hurt her more than Kelley’s inaction last night. She didn’t want her emotion to show._

_“Well, why would youI? It’s not like I’m your girlfriend.” Christen said without looking at the girl in front of her, finally addressing the elephant in the room ever since Kelley had referred to her as her friend to her mom. It was a dig._

_It looked like maybe Kelley was just as hurt by those words as christen was a moment ago._

_Christen just ASSUMED they were exclusive since they were basically a couple doing couple things, but being referred to Kelley’s mother as her friend made her question everything._

_She told Christen she really liked her and that Christen had the capability to break her heart, but liking someone and being in a relationship were two different things apparently._

_She just didn’t know that. She had an undeniable connection with Kelley. They slept together, they studied together, they basically lived together._

_But in reality, Kelley never said she wanted to be exclusive._

_“Christen…” Kelley’s chest was heaving, out of fear or adrenaline, Christen couldn’t tell._

_“Look! I -I went to the store. A-and I got – look I got these vegan hotdogs for the fridge.” Kelley said when she pulled a pack of them out of the bag._

_“I bought this frame so that you can put the picture of me you like in it because you’ve been meaning to get one. “Kelley pulled out this small purple picture frame._

_“I bought the lotion I wear so you could have it like you asked. I bought this toothbrush- I…got this book light thingy so you can keep studying your chem when I fall asleep.” Kelley desperately said as she pulled out the items._

_“I bought these little hair tie pack and they’re black so you won’t have to keep using my brown ones. And I also got you these.”_

_Christen had to admit that Kelley was overwhelming her with items but she saw that there were two cards. One that said : I was hoping that this card would get me out of the – (picture of a doghouse)._

_And another that had a donut and a donut hole in the front with the caption: sorry For being A-hole._

_“I finally created a profile for us in my dads Netflix account.” She added._

_“I-i-I got these things two days ago. Before my friends came over, but I was scared to give them to you. I-_

_“Why are you scared to give them to me??” She understood that if Kelley did all these things that it meant something. So why couldn’t she just say it and do it, when it came to being in a relationship._

_“I don’t know.” Kelley said sadly._

_“Well it’s probably why I’m still your ‘friend’ to everyone…” Christen said bitterly._

_“How can you think that you’re just my friend, Christen??” Kelley demanded of her when she followed Christen into her apartment._

_“You tell me.” She said with so much hurt._

_Kelley looked confused._

_“Christen I thought you knew that you’re MORE than my girlfriend?” She asked quietly._

_But Christen didn’t respond._

_“I just told my mom that because she’s not ready – I’m not ready to share this with her but not because it’s you but because it’s my mom.” Kelley explained._

_Kelley put the plastic bag that she had on the table and put her hands in her pocket while she stayed by the door._

_“I’m sorry.” She said again. It looked like she was getting ready to leave._

_“I just assumed that you were mine. I shouldn’t have. “ Kelley said sadly. She didn’t raise her gaze._

_Christen relented. Her reason for her frustration was resolved. They were on the same page and the only thing that needed to be addressed was the mom issue, but from what she knew it probably was going to take awhile. She looked further inside the plastic bag._

_“Did you get any buns?”_

_“What?”_

_“Did you get any buns? For the hotdogs?” Christen asked._

_“I…guess I forgot to get em. I- think there may be some back at the dorm.” Kelley said, distractedly._

_“Okay.” Christen said with a smile._

_“Well lets go make some hot buns. Like this one.” She said when she came up to the older girl and pinched her butt._

_Kelley didn’t know where this conversation just went and if she should smile. She was surprised when Christen kissed her._

_“Are you mine?” Christen whispered._

_Kelley nodded._

_“Okay. I just needed you to tell me once. That’s it.” Christen said, kissing her again._

_++_

_Christen looked over as Kelley sat on the other end of the couch with her elbows on her knees, looking at the TV._

_Christen tightened her arms as she crossed them. She got up to get some carrots from the fridge before she took her spot on the opposite end of the coach._

_“It’s been 15 minutes, Christen.” Kelley said. Christen looked over to see Kelley turned all the way to face her. “My timeout is over, babe.”_

_Christen huffed. She puffed._

_Kelley inched a little closer._

_“Babe…c’mon.”_

_Christen still wouldn’t look at her but she could could feel the couch shift as Kelley inched forward._

_“You were supposed to be here for this weekend before you leave for all of that national team stuff.” She said, pouting._

_“I know.” Kelley said softly._

_Christen looked down to see Kelley laying her head down onto her lap._

_“Things changed. And you know that I have to stop by my house to see my mom.” Kelley said softly._

_“I love your mom.” Christen stated, still pouting at the dissatisfaction of Kelley’s impending absence._

_“And she loves you.” Kelley said when she rolled over and saddled up next to her girlfriend and kissed her on the neck._

_“Who wouldn’t love you?” Kelley whispered._

_Christen finally looked at her girlfriend. She chuckled. She looked at the funny faces Kelley was making. She ran her thumbs over the girl’s freckles._

_“How’re you so sweet?” Christen asked. “I’m over here throwing a bitch fit because you want to spend time with your mom.”_

_She let Kelley duck her head and embrace her. She kissed the top of her head and wrapped her arms around the older girl._

_“I’m sweet.” Kelley answered._

_“You are.” Christen said, looking right and left at Kelley’s eyes. She wanted to admire the beauty of Kelley’s vulnerability._

_“You know who you remind me of?” She asked._

_Kelley listened._

_“You remind me of your mom.” She said softly._

_“UGHHHHHHH!” Kelley groaned. She didn’t like that answer._

_“She’s loud and obnoxious – I see where you get that side.  But she’s sweet. She loves me. I can tell by the way she treats me. She treats me like you do.” Christen softly explained._

_“When you’re not being an ass.” She added._

_“Hey.” Kelley nuzzled into Christen’s neck to hide her pout._

_“I like your dad too. He’s a quiet one. You get like that too.” She observed._

_“How is it that I can be both?”_

_“Depends on the setting. Christen shrugged._

_“How am I when I’m  with you?” Kelley asked seriously._

_Her girlfriend thought on it._

_“Depends on the setting.”_

_Kelley scooted even closer to her and brought her in and hugged her tightly._

_“No matter what the setting, I still love you the same amount.” Kelley whispered._

_“Do you know that? Do you know how I feel?” She hushed._

_Christen searched for the answer in her girlfriend’s eyes._

_“Sometimes I need you to remind me.” Christen whispered._

_“I need it.” She admitted somberly. “I need to know if you will come back from your cloud everytime.”_

_“I’ll always come back for you.” Kelley urged._

_“Kell.”Christen sighed. “If you don’t, you will ruin me.”_

_Kelley slid off the couch and she knelt down in front her girlfriend. ._

_“Just don’t leave…” Christen whispered. She grabbed ahold of the front of Kelley’s T-shirt._

_“If I do, ill always come back home to you.” Kelley promised._

_++_

_She didn’t even know what channel was on because all she could see was an infomercial on workout equipment was playing._

_Christen looked up._

_She smiled to see that Kelley hadn’t left. She was in the same exact position Christen remembered her being in before she fell asleep. But now, it was Kelley that was asleep and snoring._

_The sounds made her laugh a little as she cuddled even more into the arm of Kelley’s that was over and behind her._

_Before this, she hadn’t really thought about how many freckles Kelley had. It was not something she ever envisioned her one special person in life would have, but now she knew better. Christen weighed down the collar of Kelley’s T-shirt to see that the freckles really stopped when there were clothes blocking her skin from the sun. She saw that even Kelley’s fingers had freckles._

_Christen let her fingers trail over Kelley’s arm that was down by her side, and realized that she had hair on her arm. Christen looked at her own. Even though Kelley’s hair was lighter than Christen’s it didn’t mean that she had less. She actually had a lot of fuzz, and Christen couldn’t explain why learning that fact meant so much to her. She figured because it was something that no one’s ever thought about when they thought of Kelley, and she was special because she was the only one. Just like she was the only one sleeping underneath the girls arm at the moment._

_She realized that Kelley was sleeping with her mouth open._

_Christen smiled._

_She then stick her finger in Kelley’s mouth to wake her up._

_“What the-“_

_“Good morning.” Christen said as she further hiked up her body onto a very irritated and sleepy-looking Kelley._

_“Baby. Why???” Kelley asked with her barely open eyes._

_“Because I want to talk to you.” Christen said gently._

_Kelley wiped the drool from her face while her eyes started to open just a little. She rubbed the sleep from her eyes and then pouted._

_“What is so important that my beauty sleep had to be cut short?” Kelley whined. She didn’t wait for a response but instead she curled into Christen and nuzzled into her favorite sleeping spot right on top of her girlfriend’s collar bone._

_Christen smiled because it was exactly the response she expected. She kissed the top of her girlfriend’s bun that had been tossed and smushed from the cushion of the couch. Christen brushed the strands of Kelley’s hair and shifted so that she could get a look at this girl’s face and determine if she was still awake._

_She could see Kelley’s body rising and falling with her slowed breaths. Christen wondered if now was the right time when Kelley wouldn’t be able to rebuke her if she wasn’t even really here. Her consciousness was probably out the window, and Christen thought that now was time for a good practice._

_“I love you.” She whispered softly._

_She had never said those words to anyone before, and she knew that the girl in her arms had yet to actually tell a girl that too, even if she did fall in love with her best friend back home. Christen thought about if Kelley’s best friend back home had whispered to this girl the same exact thing, whether Kelley heard it or not._

_For Kelley’s sake, she hoped that the girl did at some point. Even if Kelley didn’t hear it, it was still another experience to have said it._

_Christen kissed her girlfriend’s temple before she tried to maneuver their bodies so that she could leave Kelley in her peace because she had to admit that it was an adorable sight._

_++_

_Kelley was starting to learn how to deal with a loss from the sidelines. She was now getting used to the feeling of being on the sideline for the whole game, trying to lead her team to do the job for her._

_It was still a really shitty feeling to lose, even if she wasn’t a player, but being off of it gave her some perspective and understanding of the game. It also allowed her to watch how other people dealt with loss._

_When Stanford did lose, she could see the few that didn’t let the match get them down. They had the mindset that it happened, and all they could do was learn from it and go forth. She saw a few that were able to deal with the loss because this wasn’t their absolute priority in their life. Kelley could tell just by the way they carried themselves._

_Then she saw one of two who dealt with defeat like she herself did. They believed that it was the WORST feeling in the world. There was no pride in being humbled, just humiliation in defeat. It’s what drove them to their limit each and every time they put a pair of cleats on and started playing with a ball._

_Christen was a part of that last group. She didn’t outwardly handle it the way Kelley did when they were on the pitch, but it was just as intense. Christen had a set jaw and eyes filled fire. Sometimes she liked to talk to herself. Kelley usually used her mouth to complain to others. She wasted all her energy being petty and angry on the field so that when she was behind closed doors with Christen, she could just hold onto like a little kid, scared of what failure would mean._

_When the team lost their fourth game of the season, Kelley kept her gaze on Christen during the last few seconds of the game. She could already see her ex-girlfriend’s jaw clenching._

_Christen had played very well, but Kelley knew not to say that after a game. Even though Christen was not a captain of the team, it didn’t mean that she didn’t carry them on her back. She placed the whole fault on herself. Just like Kelley did. Kelley gave high fives to everyone, except her ex girlfriend._

_When it was late and the players had already cleared out, Kelley had stopped in her tracks on the way to her car to see another familiar car next to hers._

_It was Christen’s. It was empty. So she must have still been inside._

_Kelley contemplated on what her next course of action would be. Her ex girlfriend’s car was the only one left in the parking lot other than the other coaches. She thought that maybe Christen May have hitched a ride with someone else, but it didn’t seem likely. Kelley put her hand in the window of her ex’s car while she leaned on it to decide if she should go and check on her._

_The way Christen dealt with loss was a lot more unpredictable in the way that it was harder to gauge where her mind was. It was neutral on the outside, but when they were together Kelley was able to see Christen cry every once in awhile and that’s how she knew it was bad._

_Now that they weren’t together, Kelley wondered if Christen let her current girlfriend see her cry after a lost match._

_“What are you doing on my car?”_

_She looked up to see the very subject of her thoughts, looking at her with a stoic expression._

_“Why’d you park next to me?” Kelley responded while she pointed with her water bottle at her own car._

_“Coincidence.” Christen said when she walked to her driver seat door and made Kelley scoot and slide her butt so that it was leaning in the backseat door instead._

_Christen looked like she was determined to not let any kind of expression show up on her face._

_“Hey are you okay?” Kelley asked._

_“What do you want O’Hara?”_

_Kelley expected that response. She herself wasn’t very graceful when it came to defeat._

_“To know if you’re okay.” Kelley whispered._

_“I’m fine.”_

_Kelley watched as the girl in front of her threw her bags into the cabin of the car with an obvious display of frustration._

_“Doesn’t seem like it.” Kelley muttered._

_“Well if I’m fine or not, that shit doesn’t matter to you anymore O’Hara.” Christen said harshly. She got into her car and then she slammed the door shut._

_Kelley got off from her spot on the car and just stood there, a little shocked. She didn’t expect this reaction but she tried to remind herself that she wasn’t Christen’s go to person anymore. Maybe she would have to accept the fact that she wasn’t going to be the one that Christen was going to be nice to after a defeat. It would have been a 180 from when they were together._

_Kelley hadn’t moved, and also, Christen’s car hadn’t moved. She hadn’t drove off. Kelley didn’t want to bend down and look to see what the holdup was. But the car just sat there._

_So Kelley just stood there. She didn’t know what this moment was. She wanted to be the one to open that door, but these days, she never knew what the right thing to do was when it came to Christen._

_She could see in the side mirror that Christen was just sitting there._

_Then the engine died. Christen opened the door._

_She didn’t say anything, and neither did Kelley._

_Kelley felt more than ready to catch Christen’s desperate campaign for an understanding and consolatory touch._

_Christen still felt the same in her arms._

_++_

_Kelley hated that she was expected to make the best out of this shitty situation. It was made easier to deal with because it involved her living in a beach house with a bunch of her teammates that were very cool, but it was undeniable that this was a club that was far from being desirable. They didn’t even know where they were going to practice today, and Kelley felt a sense of dread overcome here everytime she face a national teammate from the opposing team whenever it was a home game._

_Her dissatisfaction, she hoped, was well hidden from the world. Her teammates and her friends knew, but Kelley was learning that in order to make the stepping stone to something better, she ought to pay her dues and learn what it meant to be a professional, even though the club she was playing for was anything but._

_Kelley loved the dedicated few that showed up every weekend that they had the game, though. These people were choosing to sit or stand and cheer in shitty weather when no else in the world thought it was worth it. She knew most of the dedicated crew by name and every home game she made a an effort to talk to them._

_Every once in awhile she would see some surprise guests. Sometimes her parents would make an appearance, or her sister and brother. A lot of time the young Stanford team that she had once coached would make a trip out there to support her._

_But today’s game against Western New York brought a different kind of special guest._

_One that she really wasn’t expecting, considering that she hasn’t spoken to her in months._

_Christen was sitting to the right of Karen, who waved when Kelley looked over to see them. Christen just gave her a little wave._

_Kelley didn’t wave back. She honestly didn’t think about how rude that must have come off, but she was in real shock. She hasn’t seen Christen or talked to her since her birthday, and to see her sitting right next to her mom, well she thought it was understandable that she just stood there for a few seconds wide-eyed before she got pelted with the ball to her butt from a kick from one of her teammates._

_She looked back at her party in the stands to see that her mom and her ex girlfriend were too busy chatting to look back at her on the field._

_++_

_“I didn’t play very good.” Kelley murmured._

_“You did great, stop being a brat.” Karen said with a little smirk before she ruffled her daughter’s hair._

_“Stop mom!” Kelley whined. She was tired and her hair was wet from the shower. Sky Blue had lost yet ANOTHER game. And it sucked that Christen witnessed it._

_“Well are you going to say hi…?” Karen asked when she pointed at Kelley’s special guest._

_She smiled softly when she realized that Christen was wearing the national team jersey with a 5 on it. She felt at peace when Christen brought her in for a hug and she could smell her shampoo._

_Kelley caught a glimpse of her mom’s big smile out of the corner of her eyes. She wondered what her mom was so happy about since she knew that they weren’t a couple anymore._

_“Thank you for coming.” Kelley said bashfully. Christen could easily charm her mother, and she was reminded that christen could always charm her._

_“I was talking to you mom yesterday and she invited me.” Her ex said brightly._

_“Oh?”_

_She saw her mother nod in agreement in the background._

_++_

_“I’m really happy you came. I wasn’t expecting it.” Kelley said while she opened the pack of mints that was sitting on the desk in the hotel room Christen had gotten in order to spend the night here on the opposite coast._

_“Yeah..I’m glad I came.” Christen said when she took the bag that Kelley handed back to her and put it right next to her on the carpet as they sat there with their back on the baseboard of the bed and looked at the TV._

_“You know…” Christen thought over her words._

_“I was kinda of forcing your mom to invite me to your game when we spoke.”_

_Kelley was curious._

_“Why is that?” She watched as Christen took out a mint for herself to eat. Kelley waited as the woman in front of her chewed on her candy and on her words._

_“Why do you think?”_

_“You got in a fight with your girlfriend.” She tried to make it sound not as bitter as it really was, but by the face of Christen’s she could tell that she wasn’t very successful._

_“No, Kelley. I missed you.” She said quietly. Kelley watched as Christen picked at her own nails and avoided her stare._

_“You have a really odd way in showing me that you miss me.” Kelley stated. “You act like you want nothing to do with me most of the time.”_

_“You were the one that left me alone on your birthday-” Christen cut herself off. She looked like she was getting ready to get into a fight but instead she took a deep breath and tried to calm herself down._

_“You strung me along, Chris. You knew how I felt about you. You knew how excited I was because I thought we were going to get back together.” Kelley defended._

_“We were!” Christen desperately cried. She clicked her tongue, she angrily reached for another individually wrapped mint and threw it into her mouth once it was unwrapped._

_“Then why did you put us through that?” Kelley asked quietly. She wasn’t expecting that she would have this conversation with Christen at the beginning of the day, but now that she was here, she wasn’t sure that she wanted to have it, contrary to her previous beliefs. Her life with Christen seemed better in her head than it actually was, sometimes._

_“Because I haven’t dealt with what happened with us.” Christen admitted._

_“That happened such a long time ago, Christen.” Kelley said, the breath leaving her body._

_Christen looked at her for a long time without saying anything. Kelley didn’t know what was going on in her head._

_“I’m still hurt.” Christen said softly. She didn’t tear her gaze away from Kelley._

_“You were my first love, and I wasn’t prepared.” She admitted. “You told me that things get dark sometimes for you, but I thought I was enough. I really really thought I was enough-“_

_“You are enough!” Kelley shouted._

_“Obviously not.” Christen sadly responded._

_Kelley felt the pain of those words._

_“I told you before that I would just need more time.” She urged._

_“Well what can we do it about it anymore? You have someone. I have someone.” Christen said with a shrug. Kelley could feel her irritation spike. She ran her hands threw her hair while she tried to compose herself._

_“BUT YOU STILL HAVE ME.” Kelley had to hold her tongue from yelling even more. She tried to reign herself back in because even though this conversation needed to happen, the rest of the day really had been good when she realized that Christen hadn’t forgotten about her._

_“And you still have me.” Christen said softly. She kissed Kelley’s cheek that was red from her anger._

_Kelley could feel Christen hands come up to her sides and she surrendered to the hug she was offering. Kelley tucked her head down and it laid on Christen’s shoulder. They stayed like that the whole night._

_++_

_Everyone on the team was past the point of frustration. Everyone was livid. Everyone was embarrassed. The whole nation was watching._

_Kelley didn’t know how anyone was able to keep their cool, especially those that had to give an interview after this horrible game. She didn’t know how Becky was able to keep a straight face and talk about hard work and perseverance._

_Once they got into the locker room, every ounce of professionalism she had left was gone._

_She threw her shoes into the trash can that was in their room, along with her jersey._

_“Kell, don’t.” She heard Sydney say._

_But Kelley didn’t want to hear any voice other than the one yelling at her everyone and herself, in her head._

_She couldn’t believe that her coach was making them play a defensive mid as a center back with only two other people to help her. Kelley didn’t even want to look at the gps stats of hers because her legs knew that she had run more than anyone else on that field because she was the only one that could. They were placed in a system that no one was fit for, or even tactically equipped for._

_It was embarrassing. And the weight put on their shoulders to prove time and time again that they were worth their own federation spending money on them was surmounting. Now that they were failing, they were getting the attention._

_And usually Kelley could deal with attention, but not this kind._

_Her moods were unstable. After throwing a fit, she had managed to convince the team that she wasn’t going to do anything else. Sydney backed off of her, so did Becky, and Christen felt like Kelley had calmed down enough for her to go back to her own locker._

_But it wasn’t going to last long. Kelley was in another state of mind. She had been for awhile and this game that they lost, heck the whole tournament they lost, was the climax of the show of a very disturbed Kelley._

_No one should have ever let Kelley go back out and sign things for the fans that pitied them and stayed out to let them know that they didn’t lose because of talent, but they lost because of coaching. The kids were fine, and the fans didn’t bother her, but when she was making her way back and there was a line of media that were hounding her when she wasn’t the one chose to speak, she lost it._

_Kelley didn’t even remember what question that was aimed towards her that set her off. She remembered that her response to it was “What did you just say? What the fuck did you just say?”_

_Kelley threw the marker that she used to sign a bunch of jersey with into the crowd of media people, before she shoved the camera that was aimed towards her, violently away._

_She could hear her name being called multiple times, but she didn’t hear or see very much. Everything in sight was red._

_Kelley could see the trash can that she had thrown her uniform in and she looked down inside the can to see to make sure that it stayed where it belonged, in the trash._

_Then Kelley officially lost it. She knocked the trash can over and she kicked it far while she let out a frustrated yell. She continued to take her anger out on the poor plastic bin.Members of her team were surrounding her quickly, asking her what was wrong and if she was okay._

_She felt suffocated. She made a beeline for the bathroom so that she could get away from everyone else who was looking to chastise her. She had herself, she didn’t need any one else to hate on her._

_Kelley was breathing heavy and she gripped the counter of the sink so that she could grip on tight to something because she felt like she was losing it. Her heart was beating fast and she could feel her muscles begging her to relax._

_But she couldn’t. Especially when she heard the door to the bathroom open._

_“Don’t say anything.” Kelley warned._

_“I won’t.” Christen said quietly before she entered the room. Kelley turned to face her so that she could defend her actions._

_“This is so fucking stupid! I don’t need to be doing this for a fucking team that can’t even- What makes her think that this is how we are gonna win?!? No one knows what the FUCK THEY ARE DOING!!”_

_Christen didn’t yell at Kelley and she didn’t respond._

_Instead, she put both her palms on Kelley’s cheeks and she put her head on her chest and listened to her heart. Her hands trailed down Kelley’s arms from her shoulders to her touch could relax her best friend._

_Kelley’s breathing eventually slowed. Her arms wrapped around Christen when she realized just how tired she really was._

_“Did everyone see me?” She asked defeatedly._

_“They’re just worried about you.”_

_“They think I’m fucking crazy.” Kelley said sadly._

_“No one thinks that about you.” Christen whispered._

_“Everyone saw it. It’s going to be on TV. Those little girls out there are going to see it.” Kelley started crying now. “My mom’s going to see it.”_

_“Babe, look at me. We lost. All of us did.” Christen whispered._

_“Yeah but I’m a fucking failure. I’m why we lost! I didn’t get back-”_

_Kelley melted from her best friend’s kiss. She figured that it was the only way Christen was going t o get her to shut up, but it was effective. They hadn’t kissed in quite awhile.The pain in her heart was starting to subside when she felt her best friend’s hands rubbing at her chest to calm her down._

_“Please be kind to yourself. Just like you are to me.” Christen instructed her. Kelley tried to really listen this time to her best friend’s plea. She kissed Christen again._

_“You’re sweet to me.” Kelley quietly said._

_“It’s because I love you.” Christen responded with a nod._

_Hearing those words from her best friend still hurt even though it was the sweetest thing to be said to her in a long time. She figured that it still hurt because they both knew that even though they weren’t together, it would always true._

_“I know you’re in a bad place. I’m not going to ask you to come back down from up there, but I’m telling you that as your best friend, I’ll be waiting for you.”_

_Kelley nodded._

_She closed her eyes at the sensation of Christen’s lips on her cheek._

_“Save me a seat on the bus. Okay?”_

_Kelley nodded again._

_She watched Christen walk back out, her heart beating fast again at the sight._

_++_

_Kelley knew that it was a curse placed upon her. Her birthdays ended up always being underwhelming, disappointing, or boring. This year it was sad. Granted, she knew it was going to be when she saw who Sky blue was playing, but it didn’t help anyways._

_She didn’t want to get so used to defeat, but it seemed like it was the only way she was going to survive this kind of career. Chicago wasn’t even at the top of the table, but since Christen was their top striker, Kelley knew that they had no chance._

_Her girlfriend refused to show up when they got into a fight about Christen, that always came up when the red stars came into town. Even if it was her birthday._

_So alone and a loser, Kelley couldn’t wait to get home so that she could fall asleep in her bed. It would be the best gift she would receive all day because on her way home she was dangerously close to falling asleep at the wheel._

_But when she drove up to the empty beach house of hers that she had rented when she wanted to get away from everyone, she realized that sleep wasn’t going to be the best birthday gift. Instead, it was the sight of a woman waiting for her with a little box in her hand and a lighter in the other._

_“Happy birthday.” Christen said with a big smile._

_“How’d you know I was going to be at my cave tonight?” She asked when she pulled the strap of her bag tighter around her shoulder when she walked up to her best friend._

_“Well xxxxxx wasn’t at the game, so I figured you guys got into a fight. You usually come here when it’s like that.”  Christen said._

_“Bingo.” Kelley said bitterly._

_“But it’s your birthday.” Christen responded._

_“It is.” Kelley confirmed. She let Christen in when she unlocked the front door._

_“Why would she ruin this on your bday?” She asked._

_“You tell me.”_

_She didn’t mean for it to sound so harsh. It was a knee jerk reaction. Kelley gave her a friendly kiss on the cheek before her best friend could process her comment. She watched when Christen opened the box to reveal two big cupcakes and stuck candles on the both of them._

_Kelley did the honor of lighting them._

_“If you guys had won would you be celebrating with your team?” Christen asked._

_Kelley sighed. She shrugged. She didn’t know but she didn’t want to dwell on the what if’s._

_“I’m sorry.” Christen whispered._

_“About what?” Kelley asked when she looked up from her task of lighting the cupcakes. “About winning? Don’t. I wouldn’t be.”_

_“I’m sorry that your birthdays haven’t ended up the way you’ve wanted them.” Christen said sadly._

_“Well you’re here.” Kelley said with a nod. “That’s something.”_

_“I still invited myself though. I’m sorry. I know she doesn’t like me, and I’m sure she wouldn’t like that I’m here. But i just want you to be happy. You deserve that. And she’s stupid. Really stupid.” Christen said._

_Kelley didn’t say anything. She didn’t know what she was supposed to say._

_“I won’t stay long. I’m not trying to ruin-“_

_“Can you turn off the lights? It’s only cool to blow candles out when it’s dark.” Kelley said when she pointed at the switch on the wall._

_Her best friend fulfilled her request._

_“Come here.” She whispered when Christen came back from flipping the switch. Christen sat on her lap as instructed. She looked like she wouldn’t rather be anywhere else, and maybe that was the best gift she was ever going to get._

_“What’re you thinking?” Kelley whispered. She felt Christen brush back a piece of her hair while she thought about her next words._

_“You only got this one life. You should reconsider who you spend it with.” Christen said softly._

_“I know who I want to spend it with.” Kelley said with a nod. She didn’t even skip a beat when she answered it._

_The silence overtook the moment for a while._

_“What are you going to wish for?” Christen asked._

_“Can’t tell ya. It won’t come true if I did.” Kelley said simply. She just looked at Christen’s face that was coated mostly in the dark, only slightly illuminated by the candlelight._

_Kelley leaned over and then blew out the candles, leaving the both of them in darkness._

_After a few charged seconds, Kelley’s hands started tracking up Christen’s legs. She felt Christen’s face and she hoped that her best friend understood that she wished for her._

_“I love you Christen.”_

_“I’ll always love you, Kelley. Even tomorrow, when I leave Jersey, I’ll love you. Even when you make up with her, I’ll love you.”_

_Kelley accepted that as the reminder of the truth of tomorrow, before she kissed her best friend._

_They both clumsily made their way to the bedroom in the darkness._

_++_

_She sat in her car and dreaded what was to come._

_“KELL!”_

_She smiled at Amy and Heather who were both walking up to the building, but Kelley took out her phone and pretended that she was on a phone call so that she wouldn’t be pressured to go inside with them. She loved Amy, and she loved Heather, but right now there was no one that she comfortable to be around right now._

_Walking up to the building to be checked was going to be tough and this could have possibly been the last roadblock that would prevent her from playing this year. Yes, she got that maybe right now would be a good time to rest, but that wasn’t Kelley. She didn’t believe in rest._

_She looked at the time on her phone. She had six minutes left until she would have been considered late._

_Kelley sighed. She opened the door to her car, and then gingerly set her feet down onto the asphalt of the parking lot. She slowly got out of the car and started to roll out her one bad ankle. It didn’t feel that bad. It was a promising sign._

_She figured that if she stayed off of it to recover, there would be more days in which her ankle would feel like it feels now. There was hope._

_“Hey, walk me in boo.”_

_She looked up to see Sydney walking in her direction, holding her hand out._

_“One of these days, you’re not going to be kidding.” Kelley said with a smirk. It earned her a laugh. She felt like today was going to be a good one._

_“Is that because Dom’s a an ass? Cause I could really see that happening.” Sydney said._

_Kelley put her bag onto her back and closed the trunk._

_“No, it’s because I’m charming.” Kelley said, she gave Syd her trade mark wink._

_“Oh god…” Sydney rolled her eyes. They both started walking up to the training center because Kelley looked at her watch to see that they only had two minutes to be there._

_“Plus I got a thing for black girls so…” It earned her a playful shove that scared her because of the use of her ankle to balance herself, but Kelley was glad that she didn’t feel anything._

_“Speaking of black girls, have you seen-”_

_“Nope.”_

_Kelley smiled in response when Sydney nodded her head._

_“Is it going to affect things?”_

_“I wouldn’t let that happen.” Kelley said with reassurance. “Remember I use to coach her so ive been in this kind of situation before.”_

_“Yeah, but your teammates in this environment.” Sydney countered._

_Kelley just nodded. Everyone of her teammates except Christen had politely addressed the fact there would be an elephant in the room when it came to those two. From what Kelley heard from Heather and Lauren, Christen had responded the same way. They were professionals, and they would make it work for the good of the game. Kelley didn’t have to hang out with Christen after training, but she would talk to her on the field to make sure that the US would still be number one come next summer._

_Instead of responding to Syd’s response, she opened the door for her and they both found the conference room that the rest of the team already was, the power point was already up and ready for the last two teammates. They got heckled on the way to the two remaining seats, one of which happened to be right next to Christen._

_Kelley and Syd looked at each other for a second in order to see if the other knew what they were both thinking._

_But Kelley knew that Sydney wouldn’t be Sydney if she had taken the seat that was open by Becky._

_“You fuckin-”_

_Kelley sighed. She tried to not let her cheeks burn from the nerves when she felt everyone watching her as she made her way to the seat right next to her ex-girlfriend. The conference room was already darkened for the power point, but she could still see and feel everyone’s stares, and she could see the way Christen tensed and crossed her legs when Kelley came down the aisle._

_It felt like a test. Every now and then she would catch one of her teammates in the rows ahead of her look back at her trying to see what her focus level was like when she was that close to her ex-girlfriend. She got a lot of smirks, which she didn’t mind. For the most part she looked up to take in the information on the presentation and listened to Jill. it became a tool of hers to hone in on the powerpoint so that she wouldn’t be preoccupied by the woman sitting one yard away from her to her right._

_Syd:I think you’re taking it better than her._

_Kelley shook her head at her friend’s ridiculousness. She put her phone in her pocket of her sweats and started to flex and roll her ankle so that it would have some rotation on it. She figured that it would help her in not thinking about Christen, too._

_Her phone vibrated multiple times. Kelley gave Sydney a menacing look to warn her not to distract her because they were already late._

_Sydney furiously pointed at her phone to signal Kelley to look at hers._

_Syd: HEY_

_Syd: DON’T IGNORE ME_

_Syd: u haven’t looked at her once but she’s staring at you bruh_

_Kelley quickly put her phone face down on her lap. She looked to her right._

_She wanted to look away but Sydney was right. Christen wasn’t even hiding the fact that she was observing Kelley. She had her legs crossed but her whole body was leaning towards Kelley, and she didn’t look like she was planning on backing down and looking away. And when their eyes met, Kelley was the one who looked away._

_Fuck._

_She was going to kill Sydney._

_That was the first time in nine months that she has looked Christen in the eyes._

_Kelley leaned forward and put her elbows on her thighs and her chin on her fists so that she would be leaned in too far that Christen wouldn’t even be in her peripherals. She stayed like that all throughout Jill’s talks on team work._

_But it was harder for her now to fully concentrate on her coach’s words. Christen was just looking at her, unapologetically. Her stare didn’t waver, and that fact was intriguing Kelley. The intrigue was making her nerves come back and she could feel her face get hot. She wished that she could control her body when it came to Christen._

_Then she felt a small tug on her sweats._

_She looked down to see Christen holding onto the fabric of her sweats by her knee. She looked at Christen’s fingers, and then she let her head swivel to look at the owner of that hand. This time her ex friend wasn’t looking at her face, she was looking down at where her index finger and her thumb were pinching the black cotton that was on the side of Kelley’s knee. She also saw a gold wedding band on her ring finger._

_It hurt. It was painful._

_Christen’s fingers weren’t even on her body, but she could feel her joggers being pulled away from her gently by the force of those fingers._

_She froze. When it came to Christen’s touch, she always felt powerless. Her nerves and her body were begging Kelley to let Christen touch her, put her hand on her, anything. But her mind was resisting. Her ex girlfriend was always a weak spot when it came to her strength and will, but she couldn’t afford that to be exploited especially now that World Cup qualifying was coming up next, and she was already dealing with another weak spot in her ankle._

_She didn’t move away but she also made sure not to let her right leg swing close to the woman on her right because she knew what sign it would give Christen. She let her head swivel back the PowerPoint so that she could TRY to not let the sensations get to her._

_Kelley was relieved when the presentation called for a break when the lights came back on. She quickly got up to go to the bathroom so that she could avoid any other interaction with her ex that would cripple her even more than this shitty ankle._

_When she came back, she hung around Sydney, Crystal, and Ashlyn who were on the opposite side and in the front of the rows._

_“I hate you.” Kelley muttered._

_Sydney just smiled, and the rest of the girls starting asking Kelley what she did on her break. She saw Christen go back to the same seat, and look at her phone for the rest of the four minutes they had left before lecture two started. For a second, Kelley wondered why Christen wasn’t socializing with everyone. She wasn’t the most charismatic person on the team, but people usually gravitated towards Christen because of her aura and beauty._

_“Uh that’s my seat.” Crystal said when she stopped Kelley from taking her spot._

_“Do me a solid. Please.” Kelley begged._

_It didn’t take that much to convince Crystal to sit next to Christen since they were friends. The whole second half, Kelley made sure to not look back to verify if that woman was still looking at her._

_Horan: that’s cruel_

_Kelley:?_

_Horan: cp is sad you made a switcheroo._

_Kelley put her phone back into her pocket and didn’t take it back out._

_++_

_She made sure that Rose was gone and on her way down to breakfast before Kelley took some wrap from her suitcase and taped her ankle just like the old days. She was a little rusty at it, but she got it done and put her socks over it before she too made her way down for breakfast._

_Kelley managed to pull it off for the most part until the scrimmage they had for their first practice today. She couldn’t even tell what the event was, but her ankle all of a sudden started aching noticeably. She bit down and clenched her jaw because the pain wasn’t going away._

_She went in for a challenge with her left foot when really the ball was on her right side, and she got beat so silly by Rose. The pain was affecting her play. She was getting scared for her right ankle._

_She berated herself when they all had a water break._

_“You good?”_

_She looked up to see Amy looking at her concern._

_Kelley nodded weakly when she pulled her socks up so that the tape couldn’t be seen by her teammates or the staff. She walked lightly, but she knew that she was in a lot of discomfort because the tape on her was taught, and right now she wanted to move it and get the joints flowing._

_When she walked up to be out for the other round of players, she saw Christen looking at her, and then her eyes quickly diverted down to Kelley’s foot. Mor specifically, her ankle._

_Fuck._

_She had to tell herself that she couldn’t play timid this time. Kelley couldn’t afford to make mistakes just because of fear. She hadn’t really injured herself yet, and to her there was no point in playing like you had one if you didn’t._

_But Kelley was stupid like that._

_She sat on the ground while she clutched it and grimaced in pain. She was getting the attention she didn’t want. Kelley quickly hopped back up and convinced the coaches that she recovered from that challenge._

_Big mistake._

_Next up she was going against Christen. And she could have been imagining it, but she felt like the mood changed when people realized that it was Kelley vs. Christen. Everyone was quiet._

_Christen took it forward and quickly played a combo with pinoe that Kelley could track. She did a good job in keeping the attack in front of her and closing down the passing angles she could cover._

_But the trouble came when the ball landed back at Christen’s foot. Kelley was the closest so she was the first defender. And even though it had happened all fast, Kelley registered that Christen was taking the ball down with her left, the foot closest to Kelley’s right ankle. Probably because the both of them knew the other’s body inside and out, Kelley knew what Christen was doing. And she knew that Christen would succeed._

_Ball after ball, her ex forced the ball on Kelley’s right, and she beat her. On the seventh ball played, Kelley had gotten so fed up with being exploited on the right side that she tried to step in and win it._

_She was clutching her ankle again, while Christen was brushing the grass off of her socks from the collision. She was sure that her face was sweaty and red from the exhaustion, but she didn’t know if the pain she was trying to mask was as obvious._

_She pulled her hand away from her ankle and stood up, using her left leg to get up. She wobbled just slightly, but she got held steady by Christen who happened to be right next to her._

_She didn’t say anything to Kelley before she went back to set up._

_By the time they were wrapping up for the day, Kelley was sitting and resting on the bench, while her ex was on the ground just a few yards away from her taking off her shoes. Everyone was more quiet than usual since it was one of the first few days in which their fitness was being measured and everyone was coming back from their holiday breaks. They were all exhausted by the time they had to close up shop._

_She didn’t want to admit that she stayed back to loiter just a little bit longer with Ashlyn so that Christen would have left the field first. She took her time in chitchatting and debating on the outcome of an upcoming premier league match with Sydney. She wiped down the sweat from her shin guards when everyone was heading back to the vans so that she would be the last one._

_She felt those nerves again when she could see the figure of Christen to her left walking to go back up to the lot. Kelley noticed how close her ex was walking to the bench, how close she was walking to her._

_She heard a little thud and a clink to the left of her and she looked down to see that Christen had put down two rolls of tape on the bench close to her, and walked away._

_??_

_The next day it was a direct kick to her shin that made Kelley’s ankle roll dangerously close to being devastating._

_“Kell, you okay??”_

_This time she didn’t clutch at where it hurt, but she limped off the field to recuperate. That display meant that she couldn’t fend off the trainer who cane rushing to her._

_He cut through the tape to get a look at it. But she didn’t hear a single thing he said when she saw Christen looking and watching her._

_When she got up she surmised that it didn’t look too bad. It was swollen a bit, but not enough to be even a first degree sprain. It was classified as a knock to the ankle that landed her in recovery for the rest of the day. She soaked it in hot water and in cold water. She got these sticky patches out on her weak spot that made her feet tingle. She stayed off her feet for the most part. Kelley even got a scheduled massage to her legs._

_In the room with her getting their massages were Syd and crystal, who hated getting the massages that were being prescribed. Kelley could usually bear the strength of these massages, sometimes the sensations made her chuckle. But this one she was enjoying especially since the woman was handling her lower legs and feet so well._

_“Does this hurt?”_

_Kelley looked down to see her flex her foot in all different directions. Some angles hurt, while others didn’t._

_“No.” Kelley shrugged._

_The woman just raised her eyes brows at her._

_“You know that right now would be the best time to deal with it.” The woman said._

_Kelley felt the apprehension at those words take over. There was no bruising around it._

_“It clicks.” She said, answering Kelley’s nonverbal question._

_She said that she would keep the advice in mind before she cut the massage time in half and made her way back to her hotel room._

_Syd: please tell me I didn’t overhear what I just heard_

_Kelley couldn’t deal with anything._

_She just wanted to go back to her room and tell rose that she would need her lamp off on her side of the room. She figured that she could deal with all of this tomorrow._

_When Kelley was approaching her room, something at the foot of the door caught her eye._

_The closer she got her curiosity intensified._

_When she reached the door, she realized that it was 5 rolls of white athletic tape._

_==_

_This time, she tried to wrap her ankle in the locker room. Kelley was on the questionable injury report and today was going to be another recovery day, but she was told to get it secured before she were to go 40 min on the bike._

_It felt great to not have to hide that she had been taping it, but she knew that some trainers would have been pissed that she was doing it herself._

_But she didn’t care. She didn’t trust anyone to do it right. Even if it took her a lot longer for her to get it perfect from her angle, she would do it by herself._

_“Oooo. You got some skills, Kell.” Lindsey commented on her taping technique._

_She have a sheepish grin in return because she felt like she was doing a shitty job. Kelley would catch Christen watching her every once in awhile._

_She felt the pressure to do it right and quick, but she kept messing it up and starting over._

_“Let me do it.”_

_Kelley looked up to see that Christen grabbed the roll of pre-wrap and tape and started taking off the strips put down by Kelley._

_“I can d-“_

_Christen’s fierce and steely eyes shut her down. She watched as the woman cut the remainders of Kelley’s version of a wrap. Kelley tried to not feel the eyes of everyone who was left in the locker room. She complied with Christen’s silent command and focused on breathing in and out._

_Tape after tape, her ankle was feeling like it was in a straight jacket, but for legs. Christen wasn’t as fast as her college days, but her attempt was still better than the person who’s ankle was in need of it._

_Everyone started finding excuses to exit the room, and Kelley shook her head in disappointment at the stragglers because they were smirking at her. Meanwhile. Christen was concentrating on her task._

_When she was almost done, Kelley noticed something that intrigued her._

_But she held back. There was probably an explanation for it._

_When she got it done, Christen stood up. It was obviously awkward._

_And the only thing Kelley could think of saying, was the last thought in her hand, “where’s your wedding ring?”_

_“Um…it’s in my bag.” Christen said._

_“Thanks.” Kelley said. that was all she could think of saying._

_“You’re welcome.” Christen said before she picked up her bag and exited the room like everyone else._

_++_

_This time, it didn’t take so long for Christen to interact with her._

_When Kelley had snuck out of her room to go something from the vending machine, she realized saw her ex friend in the hall talking to rose and mal; and she saw the way her eyes glanced Kelley’s way when she walked past them._

_On the way back she had the cheez its and the Oreos in the pocket of her hoodie to hide the contraband._

_Kelley slowed when she saw who was leaning on the wall by her door._

_There was no escape._

_There was also no ring._

_She only had 2 rolls of that brown soft wrap in her hand. Kelley stopped when she was two yards away._

_“You wanna trade?” Kelley asked when she took out the Oreos to offer._

_++_

_“I think it’s stupid.”_

_Kelley nodded. She knew how Christen would feel about it._

_“And I think you’re making a huge mistake.”_

_“Thank you for your opinion.” Kelley said._

_Christen stood there while Kelley sat and they both let the silence create this moment. Christen hesitantly sat down on the bed right next to Kelley. It seemed like the silence was even louder._

_Kelley didn’t know what why all of a sudden she didn’t know what she wanted to say to this woman who has plagued her nightmares. She’s known Christen both in in real life and in her head, and in both worlds she knew what to say._

_But this time she was tongue tied._

_“I made a mistake.” Christen said before she grabbed the pack of mini Oreos and opened them for her to chew on._

_“Can I have some of the cheez it’s?”_

_Kelley took it out from her hoodie and handed them over._

_“Everyone makes mistakes.” Christen said through her mouthful of snacks._

_“What kind of mistakes have you made?” Kelley asked as she watched Christen devour her food. She was starting to think that giving them to her ex friend was a mistake. She felt her stomach growl._

_“All kinds.” Christen said after she swallowed down the mouthful._

_“I missed you.” Christen said._

_But Kelley started laughing. Hard._

_“Well I didn’t think it was that fun-“_

_“You’re- you’re…” Kelley couldn’t catch her breath._

_“My what?” Christen asked._

_“Your teeth.” Kelley said as she pointed at her own to signal that there was food in Christen’s. Kelley couldn’t stop laughing._

_Christen just responded by putting a handful of more mini Oreos in her mouth and chewing them without breaking eye contact._

_Kelley wiped her eyes. She needed that laugh._

_“Whoa hey, don’t eat all of them!” Kelley pleaded when she reached for the bag. She was happy that Christen conceded, but not so happy when she saw how much of it was left. She titled the bag so that it all fell into her own mouth. She gave her ex friend a smile when it was all gone._

_“I missed you too.” Kelley said through a mouthful of the dregs of her snack._

_“It’s been tough-”_

_Christen cut her off when she reached out and she scratched at Kelley’s front tooth to get the food out from Kelley’s teeth. Oreos were tricky._

_Kelley chuckled at Christen’s disgustingly intimate act._

_But her laughter died down when Christen’s hand didn’t retract, and instead her palm found the skin of Kelley’s cheeks._

_It felt painful. She would always associate Christen Press with pain._

_She closed her eyes as Christen’s thumb trailed from her nose and over her cheekbone. She felt Christen’s other hand do the same on her other cheek._

_Kelley opened her eyes._

_“It’s only the two of us,” Christen said when she took her hands away from her face._

_“But you’re the prettiest girl in the room.” Christen whispered_

_++_

Christen laughed when she observed Tobin try to kick a soccer ball.

It was obviously not her sport.

“Shutup.” Tobin pouted.

Christen managed to teach her how to pass the ball with the inside of her foot by the end of the afternoon.

“Maybe I could go pro.” Tobin said when she elected to carry Christen across the field instead of letting her show off by hitting the crossbar from half field of this really crappy piece of land in the park.

“Although, I will say that I know the dimensions of a soccer field really well.” Tobin said with raised eyebrows, hoping to impress.

“Oh? And how did you come across that knowledge?” Christen inquired when she rode piggyback while they walked all across the field with no purpose.

Tobin told her about her time as a field person for the ymca she grew up at. It was her time spent there when she realized that she was pretty decent at basketball.

“So, why’d you quit again?” Christen asked when they sat down on the grass and looked up at the sky.

“No future.” Tobin lazily responded.

“Your hand?”

“Yeppers.”

“You still talk to your dad?” Christen asked when she reached for Tobin’s injured hand and started massaging it.

“Oh yeah. All the time.We’re good now. It’s all in the past.”

“How can you just leave things in the past?” Christen asked curiously.

“Well what’s the point in bringing it with you?” Tobin countered.

“I don’t know…” Christen concentrated on putting soothing pressure on the woman’s hands while she thought on her words. “The past teaches you a lot of things. It might be useful for the future.”

Tobin sat up. She looked deep in thought.

“Way I see it, all the past has ever done was hold me back, keeping me there. In the past.”

Christen never thought of it like that.

“If I had held on to all that shit with my dad, me and him would have never teamed up to do some really cool stuff with the money he left me.” Tobin said with a big smile. She talked about the scholarships she gave to some kids at the high school who wanted to pursue an art degree. She talked about how it was a huge source of discord with her dad when she was in high school, and now they were able to heal it all and help someone else.

“Wow. Poetic.” Christen said very genuinely.

“Well. It only happened because I let it all go between him and I. I stopped living for his approval.” Tobin said with a shrug. “I used to blame him for my hand, but I don’t know, at some point you just gotta move on. Cause when you do you can make beautiful things happen.”

Christen smiled at her.

“Are you really this way all the time? So carefree and hippiesh?” Christen asked.

Tobin laughed.

“I am most of the time. I do think a lot about stuff, but again, I’m an artist. But I’m not one of those tortured artists. Not anymore.” She said.

“Has your art suffered?”

“I think it’s better now. Because I’m better now.”

Christen looked at her for a long time. It was a breath of fresh air to be with someone who wasn’t a tortured artist, just an artist.

 

++

 

“Sam said they’re still out on their bike ride.” Christen said when it looked like Tobin really didn’t want to drive down Kelley’s street because of the chance that the O’Hara’s would see them.

Tobin looked at her, her eyes becoming soft.

“I had a good day.” She said with a sincere nod.

Christen did too.

“Can I ask you a question?” Tobin put her car in park.

“Why didn’t your marriage pan out?” She asked.

Christen smiled sadly.

“You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.” Tobin reassured her.

“You really want to know?” Christen asked her quietly.

Tobin took her hand and squeezed it.

“It lasted for 76 days.” Christen said grimly. “And it took me 75 days to admit to myself that there was no one I was going to love like I did my first love.”

Tobin nodded. “Did you ever tell Kelley that?”

Christen shook her head.

“Why not?” She asked gently.

Christen bit her lip. “I still don’t know why.”

Tobin kissed her gently.

“I’m telling you all of this, but it doesn’t mean that I didn’t mean what I said earlier. I- you- this- I have never felt this way about someone since Kelley. And I might be fucking this up by comparing you two constantly, and I should really shut up, but I DO – I am falling for you. And I’ve never told more than one person that. Not even my ex wife.” Christen was surprised that she was admitting this all.

Again, Tobin nodded.

“You know why I punched my dad?” She asked quietly.

“He was being a dick?” Christen offered.

Tobin chuckled.

“THAT, and because he wanted to tell me what my future would look like. He wanted to dictate how I should feel and what I should want for my future. So I fucking decked him.” Tobin said simply.

Christen grabbed the woman’s injured hand again.

“I won’t do that with you.” Tobin said before she looked straight at her. “I won’t tell you what you want and how you should feel. I’m going to let you do that.”

Christen could feel her heart beating quickly.

“If you’re telling me that you have feelings for me, then I will wholeheartedly believe you. Because I’m falling for you, too.” Tobin said gently.

“I know you might be leaving soon. But I want to see where this goes. If you want to.”

Christen wanted nothing more.

_++_

Alex slowed down when she saw who was waiting for her on her door step. She turned her car onto the driveway and put it in park.

Kelley looked really sweaty and her hair was all ruffled.

“Helmet hair.” Kelley said with a smirk. “I went for a bike ride.”

 “Ah. Does Christen know that you’re working out when you’re not supposed to be?” Alex asked before she let the both of them into her home.

“I doubt Christen really cares about what I’m doing.”

Alex signaled for Kelley to unzip her dress, before she turned back around to look at the woman with suspicious eyes.

“Why do you say that?” Alex inquired before she walked into her closet so that she could fully undress and change into some comfortable clothes. She could see from her peripherals that Kelley was just silently watching her from the entryway to the closet.

“Why do you say that? What’s wrong?” Alex asked when she put on a big t-shirt over her bare body that she knew Kelley was ogling at.

“Nothing’s wrong.” Kelley said quietly before she had her hands all over the body that was underneath the t-shirt of Alex’s.

“Babe. What’s wrong?” Alex asked when she tempered the desire that was enflamed by her best friend’s actions.

Kelley sighed, before Alex turned back around and patted down the woman’s wild hair.

“You told me not to fuck things up. How do I do that?” Kelley asked. She looked like a lost child.

“I don’t know the answer to that.” Alex said softly.

“How don’t you know?” Kelley pushed. She was still holding onto Alex, and she was begging her to tell her what the right answer was.

“I don’t have all the answers, but I think the point is that you find them together.” She said. She sadly combed through the rest of Kelley’s hair. It looked like her friend was back in her sad place, and Alex wondered what had happened with Christen earlier when she was out.

“If you loved me so much – why? How was I lovable? I fucked everything up Alex.” She said defeatedly.

Alex furrowed her brow. She kissed Kelley softly before she led them to her bed where she held the woman .

“You don’t think very highly of yourself, do you?” She asked.

“Sometimes I feel like I have the biggest misfortune of being me.” Kelley said. The answer came so quick and without hesitation.

“I wish I could convince you that what you just said was a lie, but only you can do that babe.” Alex stated. “I can’t, and Christen can’t.”

“But I don’t know how to do that.” She looked down at the woman in her arms to see that Kelley was crying.

She let her cry for we long as she wanted. Alex didn’t think that Kelley really knew just how bad it was starting to get. As children, she saw it all the time when Kelley became like this, and she knew that there was nothing she could really do except wait it out. When it would happen, Alex would leave her friend alone until she came knocking on the door for her.

But she didn’t want to do that this time.

“Let’s take a walk around the block. I won’t tell Christen.” Alex said. Kelley nodded.

 

++

 

“What are you good at?”

“Um..soccer…?” Kelley responded. They were walking down the dark street hand in hand, going really slow because of Kelley’s ankle.

“What else?” Alex pushed.

“Mmmm. I’m good in bed.” The woman said with a smirk.

“You are. But we both know that already. What else?”

Kelley seemed satisfied with Alex’s response. She thought hard while they both dragged their feet on the asphalt.

Kelley couldn’t come up with anything else.

“What do you like about yourself?” Alex inquired.

“Nothing.” Again, the self-loathing came quick and without hesitation.

“Well you’re attractive.” Alex said, knowing that the humor would make Kelley feel at ease. “We can just look at your Instagram and we can find someone willing to jump your bones.”

“We don’t have to go look at my Instagram for someone to sleep with me when I’m holding the hand of my number one fangirl.” Kelley said. Alex was glad that Kelley could say these things, even though she knew that Kelley didn’t mean any of it when it came down to it. The humor and the confidence was a defense mechanism.

“What’s something you do for others?”

“Uh…” Kelley had to think hard on that.

“Kelley you literally ran a leadership program for the girls in the club!”

“Oh yeah. I did that.” Kelley said.

“You spend all that time with those make-a-wish kids. I see that it’s always you that’s leading that with the team.”

“True. I forgot about that.”

“You lead the team. You’re a mentor to all those newbies on the team.” Alex said with a chuckle. “How do you not remember any of these things??”

Kelley shrugged.

“You wanna know what makes you so loveable yet so frustrating?”

Kelley looked like she didn’t really want to know, but she nodded.

“You’re enigmatic, but simple. You’re introspective at a fault. And you live up there in your head when really you should live right here.” Alex said, indicating to the space in front of them.

“You’re amazing. And I cannot believe that you of all people cannot find a single nice thing to say about yourself.” Alex said with a shake to her head.

“You literally rocked my world. You were my superstar when we grew up. And I loved you so much because it always seemed like you wanted to include me in your little world. You never EVER let anyone else in like you did with me. And I felt really freaking special. YOU made me feel special.”

“Well you were special.” Kelley said softly.

“You are the most accomplished person I’ve ever met in my life, yet I’m having to pick you up. It’s something that I can’t wrap my head around. You have thousands of followers and millions of people cheering you on. You’re an Olympian.” Alex said with a chuckle. She squeezed Kelley’s hand tighter.

“You are beautiful. And I don’t just mean it in the way like you are when you’re in all those ads. I mean you’re beautiful when you’re looking at me with a headful of helmet hair. Like when you let me help you walk with your crutches. You look beautiful when I see you with your mom. You become like a little bratty kid when you’re with her but it’s adorable because you are her kid. And you are a brat.” Alex said with a smirk. Kelley smiled.

“I don’t know, Kell. I’ve known who you are since we were four. Fucking four. I’ve spent years with you and years without. And now I can confidently say that I don’t ever want to spend future years without. You mean a lot. And I’m sure you mean a lot to Christen too. More than you or I will ever know.” Alex said.

Kelley looked like she was really processing her words.

“After all of that. After knowing how I feel, maybe how Christen feels, and how I see you, do you still not like yourself??”

Kelley stopped in her tracks. She put her hands behind her neck while she stood there staring at her feet. Alex waited for the response.

It didn’t come for a long time.

Kelley never said anything, but she just shook her head, in defeat.

“Then maybe you need help, Kelley.” Alex said softly.

 

 

 

++


	13. At that time that you were mine, you were mine

++

 

“It’s a good thing, mom.” Erin said with exasperation.

“Oh no-Yes! It’s a very good thing. I’m not saying that it’s not.” Karen defended.

“Then why are you guys fighting about this?”

“We are not even fighting. That’s just your sister’s way of telling me things.” She explained.

Erin rolled her eyes.

The two of them were on the drive on the way to pick up Kelley from her appointment. Erin was a little anxious, and Karen was feeling apprehensive. This was the fifth appointment of Kelley’s meetings with Dr. Pursch and the two of them were a little anxious to see what state of mind Kelley would have when they picked her up.

Kelley seemed pretty calm and indifferent when Alex and Kelley had returned home from Kelley’s initial consultation, and her mother and sister were very curious to see how it would be the fifth time around.

“So I’m assuming Christen doesn’t know.” Karen said quietly when she turned into a parking spot right in front of the building where they would wait.

“Why do you assume that?” Erin asked.

Karen looked at her with a furrowed brow, no doubt wondering if Erin was just kidding in asking that question.

“Okay, okay.” Erin surrendered. “Where has Christen been?”

The oldest O’Hara child watched her mom’s jaw clench and her eyes avoided Erin’s gaze. She looked like she was chewing on her response.

“She’s been flying out to meet someone and go to X meeting ‘cause she’s got her big move coming up. And she’s been in and out training here at the facility with that US Soccer trainer.” Karen said.

“Yeah, why is Kelley’s appointment here? Is this like a full-service health place?” Erin asked with a chuckle.

“Dr. what’s her name specializes in athletes, according to Alex. So I guess she works for this center since It’s huge. It’s like a campus.” Karen explained. “I think it’s good for Kelley. She trains here so its familiar and she’ll feel safe.”

Erin nodded. That she could agree with. The past week and half was very different for these two women in the car because they were on high alert emotionally and they both realized just how much of the load Christen had on her plate when it came to caring for Kelley. For them, it wasn’t so much of the anguish they had to weather because of Kelley’s injury to her ankle, but from her mind. Because there was a lot of anguish, probably more than Erin realized.

With Christen gone, they finally had to REALLY pay attention to it.

“Should we tell Christen?” Erin asked.

Karen sighed.

“Let’s not rock any boats that don’t need to be.” She instructed. “Kelley will handle it.”

“Will she?” Erin asked, her voice dripping with doubt.

Her mom hushed her. They both sat there in silence in anticipation as the final seconds of Kelley’s appointment ran. They were nervous. They wanted to do it right. Erin was beating herself up for being negligent, and Karen was cautious in all of her actions because her wish in Kelley getting help was finally granted. Her wish for Kelley to get help had been one conversation in college with her and it didn’t go well so she had buried her opinion on that topic so deep that she wouldn’t find it when it came to interacting with her middle child. Only Dan really knew of her opinion, but Karen knew that she couldn’t mess this up for her daughter.

They both straightened up when they say Kelley’s small figure in the distance approaching them. She had her hood on her head and her hands in her pockets and she looked very preoccupied.

“Be nice.” Erin warned her mother.

“Yeah. Be nice.” Karen threw the order back.

They both put on big, unnatural smiles when Kelley opened the door to the passenger side.

“Hey…weirdos…” Kelley said with a chuckle. She stood outside of the car looking at them like they were crazy. Karen could tell that it was her daughter’s way of asking them to be cool about things. She knew that if the family were to deal with this right, she would give Kelley the lead on sharing what she wanted to share. When she was ready.

“Get in short stuff.” Karen said.

Kelley gave her an eye roll, but she got in quickly and there was an energy about her that wasn’t there earlier in the day. The car ride home started off silently.

No one in the car knew what to do. Kelley wasn’t ready to talk, Karen wasn’t going to force it, and Erin was struggling to hold it all in. She wanted to attack her little sister with the million questions swirling around in her mind, she wanted to prove that she wasn’t negligent, but her mom was shooting daggers her way with her eyes.

So they all sat in the car with their own thoughts and inhibitions for awhile.

“Mom. Can we go buy food? I don’t think Christen is gonna be home. And I don’t know how to cook anything at the house.” Kelley said quietly as she fidgeted with her phone case.

“Sure. But where do- is Christen going to want something? I don’t know of any places for her vegan deal-”

“Mom. She’s not vegan anymore. Remember?” Kelley reminded her.

“Yeah mom. Remember?” Erin called out from the backseat to mock her mom.

Her comment made Kelley smile. They all relaxed a little.

They decided on a place while Erin looked the menu up on her phone and they all decided what they were going to order to-go.

“You go inside and order. You’re the oldest.” Karen directed to Erin when they arrived at the restaurant. She hoped that her oldest was old enough to realize that she needed some opportune alone time with her second child.

“Fine. But- oh yeah- do you want to get something for Christen?”

Karen looked at Kelley in the passenger seat. She seemed to be thinking really hard about something.

“Yeah…why not?” Kelley asked with a shrug. “You can get her the burger with the bacon and chicken stacks. Oh and extra carrots in the started salad.”

Erin got out of the car to put in their order.

“Oh- hey! You know what just order a side of carrots.” Kelley called out when she rolled down her window.

“I don’t think that’s on the menu.” Erin stated.

“Just…make it happen. Even if they gotta charge extra.” Kelley pleaded. “Chris usually eats that.”

Erin nodded before she left her mom and her sister alone.

 

++

 

Karen didn’t want to overthink it.

She had gotten in the habit of dealing with her daughter’s issues only when she was directly presented with it because of the dynamic of their relationship. Kelley would tell her when she would tell her. And Karen only stepped in when she felt she really had to.

Kelley was testy and feisty and her mom had learned throughout her young childhood that it would be less stress and more efficient for Karen to really express her worry only in meaningful moments.

In her perspective and in her memory that dated back to Kelley when she was four, she had realized that her middle child would share her true self, only in an environment in which the people would let her encode her true message with sarcasm or hardheadedness. It was how she protected herself and how she felt safe because she never wanted to be obviously vulnerable. When she met people who understood that, Kelley would reveal just how fragile she really was.

And Karen understood that early on.

 She knew that when Kelley kept disappearing in the late afternoons only to be found in little Alex Morgan’s driveway, telling her neighbor that she didn’t play four square as well as her, that this was someone Kelley really liked. More than any of her classmates.

She could recall how little Kelley would fight with Alex on the ‘right’ way to ride a scooter for two hours of time that the sun was still out, and be so happy that Alex said that she would meet her tomorrow, same time, same place.

And Karen also knew that for two weeks,  ten year old Kelley made excuses not to walk with Alex to school because the girl had casually mentioned that she liked Sammy’s socks more than Kelley’s because they had soccer balls on it. Two weeks, because Kelley felt that since her socks weren’t good enough, she probably wasn’t good enough.

You had to understand Kelley. You had to know that if she engaged with you, even in an unconventional manner, it was because she desperately wanted unconditional companionship and approval. It was an immature way Kelley interacted with others, but it was what it was.

So when Kelley got into fights/arguments, Karen learned to not worry so much because she could knew her daughter.

But now, as she sat in the car with her 30 year old child on the way home from therapy, she was wondering about all the times she probably should have worried, and she should have stepped in.

“Mom.” Kelley said quietly.

Karen faced her and waited patiently for her next words.

“I love you.” Kelley said really quietly. Her mom could hear the strain in her throat from the resistance to cry. But it was just those words. No sarcastic comment to follow.

“I love you, too.” Karen said quickly. It was like she wanted to rip the band aid off quickly so that the pain would leave quicker. This was her child and maybe love wasn’t even enough of a word to express how she felt about her, but she realized just how hard it was for her as well to say it back in the same way.

She threw that word around with her husband and with her other two kids, but when it was a bare ‘I love you’ with Kelley, it truly meant something special.

“Sometimes I think you shouldn’t love me because of the way I act.” Kelley said. She was looking out the window, completely hiding her face from view.

There was Kelley’s rare display of fragility.

It was a thought that an emotionally soft person would be expected to say, but it hurt Karen so much because hearing it made Kelley’s need for help very real.

She did her best to tone down her tears that flowed.

“I should love you. And I do love you. Unconditionally.” Karen said, looking outside of her own window, having the same tendency as her daughter to hide.

She felt her phone buzz.

Erin: I got the food…I should wait longer…?

She quickly typed out an affirmative. Her and Kelley needed more time. The dynamic they had required more time.

“Do you not think I do?” Karen whispered. 

“Sometimes I-“ Kelley couldn’t finish. A big onslaught of silent sobs bursted through like it couldn’t be contained. She was silently wiping her face, trying to regain any guarded display of composure.

“Down to the very core I sometimes think you shouldn’t.”

How does any mother deal with those words? Karen sat for more than a minute trying to figure it out.

“Is this…is this…because of me…do you feel like this with Christen-with anyone all the time…because of me?” She didn’t really want to know the answer.

Kelley put her head down.

“Sometimes I convince myself that you don’t love me.”

Karen wanted to jump off of a bridge.

“Do you need me to tell you more?” She urged. She would give her kids anything. Including her life. “Cause I can do that!”

Kelley shrugged.

“I don’t know what I need.” Kelley finally looked at her when she gave that admission. It was desperate and raw, and vulnerable.

“But I’m working on it.” She said with nod.

Karen hoped that it wasn’t too late for her to help her daughter work on it.

 

++

 

Erin was so deep in her thoughts about her her feelings for the woman walking towards her that she was immobilized. She knew that this would of course result in a discussion, but maybe it’s what they needed.

“How’s the superstar?” Alex asked her.

Erin took awhile to fully pull herself out of the dialogue in her head before she looked up to see Alex waiting for a response.

“She uh…she’s good. She’s in there right now, eating.”

Alex nodded. “Did she seem alright? Anything new?”

Erin shook her head. She could tell that the woman before her was trying to engage in a rare and friendly conversation with the oldest O’Hara, but it was a little hard.

Erin shrugged. She didn’t know how she wanted to answer or how much she should reveal to Alex.

“Well I guess I’ll head in to say hi to her. Check up on her.” Alex said.

“Cool.”

The woman just kept her gaze on her.

“You don’t like me very much, huh?” Alex asked, wanting to confirm the fact of her observation.

Erin felt that if Kelley was taking the time to be honest with herself so that she could be better, she should be too.

She shook her head. It wasn’t a vicious admission, just an honest one. She didn’t think she would ever have this conversation, but she figured that there would be no other chance.

“Why? Christen’s said to me that she thinks you don’t like her but I think she’s crazy because you don’t look at her the way you look at me.” Alex said, the hurt was palpable.

“I’ve seen how much you have hurt my sister.” Erin responded. “And I know how much pain you caused her.”

“But why me over Christen? We’ve both hurt your sister? What is it about ME?” Alex demanded.

“You TAUGHT my sister all the wrong things about her worth.” Erin pushed back. “She carried that into all of her relationships after that, including with Christen. You laid that foundation.”

“Erin. I was a kid. A kid who had no idea how to handle questioning if I was in love with a girl. Especially one that couldn’t or wouldn’t even be able to tell me that she did love me!” Alex exasperatedly explained.

“Your sister never told me that. You act like she gave me something and I dangled it in front of her and told her it wasn’t worth anything.” Alex said.

“I knew. And she knew. But we BOTH were expecting the other to say it first. There’s another human being on the other side of the the story, on the other side of the road. C’mon Erin, are you serious??”

Erin tried to process all of the woman’s words.  

“You know Kell talks to me every night almost. And she talks about her ‘warped perspective’ that she has come to learn about with that doc of hers that mentioned it. She’s read like 30 articles on it since last week.” Alex stated. She tried to calm herself down and let her breathing slow.  

“Kelley has a warped perspective. It’s different than you and I. And Erin…you  have had no interest in getting to know me so really all you know about me is through Kelley’s pain. And that’s not fa-I’m just saying that maybe I deserve another chance.” Alex said desperately.

“I don’t know if chance is the word, but- and you can take it for what it is- but I do love you sister. It’s different than Christen-i am not Christen. And I never will be. And I’m not trying to be.” She said strongly.

It looked like she was all tapped out on what to say anymore. And Erin just received it all with a neutral face, taking in every word, and every valid point.

“I don’t need your approval. But I’d like it.” Alex admitted sadly before she walked into house.

 

++

 

Erin didn’t know what to do.

She was holding onto this decade long amount of bitterness towards a person that she honestly didn’t even know.

She never knew that Alex had the bones to stand up to her like that. Erin had always known Alex as her little sister’s childhood crush. She was never someone that Erin ever really had to respect.

But her showing today made Erin rethink everything. The revelation of Kelley’s need for help, also made her rethink everything.

“You promise you’ll come over when you’re done?” She heard Kelley ask Alex. It was Erin’s signal to make her way from the kitchen to the living room. She caught the sight of Kelley leaning on the front door, just watching Alex walk back home.

Erin wanted to see things for what they were, a lesson she learned from the last few days, and she wondered what this sight of her little sister watching her old childhood love walk back home meant.

Was Kelley looking at her with so much love or with so much bitterness that Alex had torn her heart in an earlier part of her life? Erin would have guessed the former, but now she wasn’t so sure.

“You must love her, huh?”

Kelley didn’t look back. She was still watching Alex open her front door when she said, “I never stopped loving her.”

Erin nodded. Kelley eventually turned to face her.

“Well then why don’t you just be with her?” Erin asked curiously.

“I…I’m with Chris, Erin.” Kelley said slowly.

Now was the time to make a decision for the older sister. She had promised Christen that her knowledge would be a secret from the woman in front of her, but that promise seemed useless now.

“Kell… I know you’re not _actually_ with Christen. I know that you guys have been faking it.” She revealed. Her voice was soft and she hoped that Kelley knew that she wasn’t mad or offended or anything like that.

Her little sister’s eyes went straight down to the floor. She looked ashamed.

“Did dad tell you that?” She asked miserably.

“No.” She said gently. “Christen told me. After I had seen her and Tobin together when she had dropped her off one night.

Kelley nodded slowly as she processed these revelations.

“She never told me that you knew.” Kelley said.

“Well you weren’t supposed to know.” Erin said simply. “I caught her. She had to fess up to it.”

Kelley eventually nodded. It looked like she was mentally struggling with something. It looked like she had something to say, but she didn’t know how to.

“You good?” Erin asked.

“I…I’m sorry.”

Silence followed that response. As sisters they rarely apologized and so this was new territory.

“For…what?”

“I don’t know what I was thinking, trying to convince mom and you guys that Christen and I were together. I’ve thought about it a lot recently. So I’m sorry.” Kelley said quietly.

“Why did you do that?” Erin asked. She wanted to spark that conversation so that her little sister could talk it out and realize why she did do it.

“Mom, maybe?”

“Would she really have cared?” Erin inquired.

“I thought she would have. She LOVES Christen. Heck, she’s even thinking about dropping off some lunch to christen tomorrow during break to just show her some support for her move to Sweden. When’s the last time mom did that for us? I guess I just wanted mom to be happy and appease her. ” Kelley shrugged.

“Well what’s gonna happen when mom finds out that you’ve been lying about all of this?”

Kelley shifted the weight of her body from the right leg to the left.

She chose not to answer that question.

“If things work out with Alex, she’s gonna find out.” Erin pointed out.

“What are you gonna tell mom?”

Kelley took awhile to answer but when she did it was just a smile and a shrug. It was An exasperated smile that said “I don’t want to talk about it, and I know you’re concerned.”

“I only say this because…I don’t know… I love you and stuff.” Erin said with a shrug that wanted to mask the authenticity of her words. “And it looks like Alex really loves you too.”

“I don’t deserve Alex.” Kelley said with certainty. It seemed to be the only confident thing she could say this whole night.

“There is no one I owe my sanity to more.” Kelley added.

“And you’re insanity? Is that because of Christen?” Erin asked.

Kelley looked like she didn’t really appreciate that question that really was just a question. Erin didn’t know exactly how all of this was tied to everything. There was just so much in between her sister and her fake girlfriend, as well the woman across the street.

“Look, I…” Kelley took a step back. She thought over her words.

“I think I brought Christen over here because of the same reason I do stupid shit with her for years. I…I don’t know Erin, I guess I just have Christen in my head, and I just wish that I had her for real.” Kelley said sadly.

“And I think that both of us like to play pretend. Well… me at least. Christen used to be the one to really push for me to break up with the people ive been with, but that changed a lot after she got married. ” Kelley explained.

“How so?” Erin never really brought up the fact that for a short while Christen had been married to someone else. It was a really dark time for Kelley and for the family, too.

“You remember that I told you that we changed our relationship sort of drastically when we became friends again? I just really thought that we had ended things like for real for real when she got married to XXXX.”

Erin could recall. “Yeah, I remember that.”

“Christen really was okay with the girlfriends I had after that. I don’t know how she did that or whatever but she changed.” Kelley said with a shrug.

“And you? How did you change?”

Kelley shrugged.

“I guess I just…fought for her up here instead of real life after that.” Kelley said when she pointed at her temple. “I don’t know, all the fighting wasn’t working, obviously. She never wanted to be with me after that again…or she never could…I don’t know.”

“I thought she loved me, Erin.” Kelley admitted sadly.

“You don’t think she did?”

“I guess…I guess she did.” Kelley said. It looked like she was getting lost in her thoughts again. “I think that she just couldn’t…I don’t know…handle me? She loved me, but that didn’t mean that I made her happy.”

 

++

 

Tobin had an unconventional form of prettiness. Her jaw was wide and she looked like she was rock solid, but her hair was beautiful and flowing and it made her more feminine than Christen believed Tobin even knew herself.

“Has anyone ever described you as pretty?” Christen asked as she massaged Tobin’s hands and she laid comfortably in the bed of this woman that she was growing more and more comfortable around.

“I hope you’re not insinuating that you believe no one thinks I’m pretty.” Tobin said with wide eyes.

“Oh shut up.” Christen directed. She rolled over so that she was on her elbows and she could take a look at the prettiness of the contrast of Tobin’s strength against her softened locks.

“You’re gonna workout today?” Tobin asked as she massaged Christen’s bare back and she herself admired the view.

Christen nodded.

“Are you gonna go back to Kell’s at all?” Tobin inquired.

Christen grumbled. She rolled back into her back and scooted even closer to Tobin but she hoped she made it clear that she didn’t want to be lectured about this.

“I don’t get it.” Tobin said with a chastising smile. “Explain to me.”

“Do I really have to? Can you not just bask in our after sex glow?” Christen asked with a hopeful smile.

“Eh. It wasn’t that great.”

Tobin rolled off the bed quickly to dodge the pillow that was coming in hard for her face.

“Okay okay okay! I lied!” Tobin called out when she had to keep dodging the multiple pillows that were being pelted her way. She could see a pouting Christen waiting for her to come back to the bed when the attack died down.

“It feels like a trap.” Tobin commented when she slowly moved towards the other woman.

“I have no more pillows.” Christen responded. She raised her hands to show her the evidence.

Tobin reluctantly got back into bed. Only to be suffocated under the hands of Christen that were ruthlessly tickling her sides. Christen only let up when she felt she got a good amount of payback.

“Ugh. I do not want to have to leave this just so that I can be murdered by the gym.” Christen said when they both settled comfortably in each other’s arms when they came to a ceasefire with all of the tickles.

“But you gotta.” Tobin said softly.

Christen groaned.

“You’re awfully whiny for an elite athlete.” Tobin said with a smirk.

“No im not.” Christen defended playfully.

“You sound kinda like Kelley.” Tobin said.

Christen did not appreciate that comment and she rolled into her side to look away.

“Oh. Stop.” Tobin commented. “You know I wasn’t gonna drop it anyways.”

Christen huffed.

“What’s great about you and I is that we actually speak to one another. About anything.” Tobin reminded her.

“But what if sometimes I don’t want to speak.” Christen pouted.

“Too bad.” Tobin said with a soft smirk. “C’mon Chris, why have you been avoiding her?”

“I haven’t been avoiding her! I’ve just been spending my time with you. Like I said I wanted to.” Christen defended.

Tobin just looked at her expectantly.

“You said that you wouldn’t be telling me how I should feel. Don’t you think that’s what you’re doing right now…?” Christen asked with raised eyebrows. Tobin conceded a little. She sighed and then nodded her head.

“I can agree to that if you can agree that you’re avoiding her.”

Christen sighed as well.

“I’m leaving. In like two weeks. I’m just sad…” she whispered. “I’m sad that I won’t be seeing her family. And I don’t want to do goodbyes. That’s the longest I’ve spent with them. And I have to say bye to you too for awhile. I’m just sad. And I would rather spend my time trying to hold onto a good thing instead of waiting to say bye to something I wished was good.”

Christen shrugged. “Is it okay if I want to spend time with you? I mean it’s not just to get away. It’s also to be with you.”

Tobin smiled.

“Yeah. It’s okay.” She said softly.

Christen stuck her head into the crook of Tobin’s neck.

“I just honestly don’t want you to be sad.” The woman said. She stroked the curls in Christen’s hair, while Christen picked at the cotton on Tobin’s t-shirt.

“I don’t want to be either. Which is why I didn’t want to talk about it.” Christen reminded her with a smirk.

“Not saying things rarely makes you happy.” Tobin commented.  “I think you know that.”

Christen sighed.

“Fine.” She took a deep breath. “Do you want to know another reason I’m sad? Why I’m avoiding spending time over there?”

Tobin eventually nodded after she thought carefully over her response.

“It hurts.” Christen said sadly.

Tobin shifted in her spot and she sat up, pulling the other woman up with her. “What does?”

“Being around her.” Christen admitted.

“Why?” Tobin asked softly.  She had to coax Christen to eventually look at her and answer the question. It was a hard answer to give.

“Because I feel like I’m hurting her. And I don’t want to feel that way.” Christen said weakly.

“How?” Tobin asked when she tightened her hold around the woman.

“I’m falling for you.” Christen said with a shrug. “And you and I have talked about this. I will never love someone like I did Kelley, because she was my first everything and it’s just not something you can recreate. And I know- I know you said that I have to be kind to myself and accept that. And I guess I kinda- I mean I have – I’m on the way to fully accepting that. I am.

“I guess it’s still just painful to know that I’m probably hurting her by doing something with someone that I can’t deny I have feelings that are just as strong. I don’t know if I’m making sense.” Christen said while she scratched at her head out of frustration.

Tobin egged her on to further explain. She would give her an uninterrupted platform.

“When her and I made up the last time we had a really big fight, her and I changed. Completely. Especially in the way we handled things when the other had someone else in their life. We decided that we were going to end this whole- ‘we’re not good for each other’ shit and I guess approached us differently.

“After that we said that we were too important to each other to keep doing what we were doing. So I would put aside all of my jealousy when it came to her being with someone else- I mean I think I got a lot better about it and there was even some of her girlfriends that I genuinely liked because I had to. And she just refrained from taking things into a place that was more than friends, I guess. We just…I didn’t let us go there anymore if she tried. And she would back down. So I guess that’s kinda how things basically changed. Because I was really miserable not having her and the weight of that ring on my finger was heavy.”

Christen habitually touched the skin where her old wedding band used to be.

“We spent a lot of time trying to keep each other in our lives in a way that we thought we could function together. But I think this time it’s getting harder to keep each other in the way that we have been for last however so many years.” Christen explained.

“She loves Alex. And Alex has always been someone who can give her something that I can’t.And…I’m falling for…you. And it’s new and it’s exciting to see you and be with you. But you also know that I think it’s sad too because I don’t want to lose Kelley. You know that. You told me to not punish myself for that.”

“And I don’t think you should.” Tobin said with a nod to agree with her.

“So what am I supposed to tell my heart that has worked to keep Kelley, even if at an arms distance, that there is someone else?” She asked Tobin.

Tobin looked like she didn’t quite understand fully.

“I don’t want to lose Kelley, but I think I just might when she knows how much I…I’m falling in love with you.” Christen admitted. Tears were such an easy thing to come by these days with Christen.

“And that’s painful.” Christen explained. “I don’t want to lose her, but I also can’t lose you if there’s the chance that you want me, too. I-I-I don’t know what that means! I- I’m not even saying this so that I can convince you to love me- I’m just- I don’t know what I’m saying.”

Tobin hugged Christen tighter because she seemed truly defeated.

“I like you. Enough to question if I have to change my relationship with Kelley. And it sad to think about. I hope you can take that for what it is and not resent me.” Christen said.

“I don’t resent you.” Tobin said gently. “I want to thank you. I think that’s probably the most honest thing I’ve ever heard from your mouth. And it makes me MORE than like you.”

Christen chuckled. “How??

“I like Kelley. And objectively, I can say that your love with her is beyond measurement.” Tobin said. “But I know that you can’t tell her things that you’ve just told me. And I could tell you to learn how to, but I’m gonna be selfish and say that there’s a reason you’re questioning it all with Kelley, and that right there, that stuff you just said IS that reason. You can talk to me about your love, even if it’s love for someone else, because you know I’m not gonna go anywhere. I can stay here and be a friend to you or I could be more. But I’m not going to go away.”

“How is that fair to you?” Christen asked.

“Chris, if I fall for someone else, then I fall for someone else. You’ve made no promises to me, and I haven’t either. But I’m here because I think I might want to make a promise. And I haven’t wanted to do that in awhile.” Tobin said simply.

“I can like you and know that there was someone you used to love.” Tobin said genuinely.

“You are so weird.” Christen said slowly and in awe. She stroked the edges of Tobin’s jaw in appreciation and in wonder of there actually being someone like this in existence.

“And you are going to be late.” Tobin said when she gently poked Christen in the nose. “You gotta get ready for training.”

Christen groaned.

 

++

 

Christen could feel the stickiness of the sweat that had dried on her skin as she drove home. She didn’t even bother playing any music because she was so exhausted to have trained more than her body has been used to in awhile. She hoped that the calming sound of her tires on the asphalt of the roads wouldn’t make her fall asleep.

It was already so late in the evening and she was glad that she had made time to see Tobin before her training, because there was no way she was going to have energy once she caught sight of a bed.

When she drove into the very familiar sight of the neighborhood entrance of Kelley’s home, in addition to feeling tired, she felt a little sad. She was only really here in the evenings and usually the family was asleep or out and about. It had been like this for a couple of weeks, and Christen’s time left in the O’Hara house was coming to an end.

She didn’t think that she would feel so sad, but it hit her like a tidal wave that she didn’t see coming.

Christen hoped that Kelley’s mom would miss her as much as Christen would miss ALL of them.

Especially the girl that Christen could see in the path of her headlights, walking really slowly with Alex next to her down the street towards their houses.

Christen stepped on her brakes a little to see if that really was who she thought it was. When she saw their red faces illuminated by her rear brake light and confirmed who they were, she kept driving. At first she wanted to give them the space that they were probably trying to get from going on a walk away from both of their houses, but something about that sight in her rear view mirror, made her hesitate for a second. But only for a second, because she kept going.

She figured that it would probably be another ten minutes before the pair made it back, but she wondered if it were actually going to take more. Kelley’s face didn’t look happy or relieved to realize that the person that had slowed down like a creeper by them was Christen, but instead looked like she was… Christen didn’t know what the word was.

Scared, guilty, annoyed, bothered? She didn’t know what it was, but she did know that Kelley didn’t want Christen to stop and pick the both of them up to ride all the way back to the house with her in the car.

It looked like Kelley didn’t want to really see her at all maybe.

Which bothered Christen down to her core.

She knew that she had been pretty intentional with her absence, but that didn’t mean that it was any easier when she first caught sight of Kelley every day. For the past weeks, it was either really early in the morning when she would sneak a peek into Kelley’s room to see her still sleeping, or it was late at night, the woman in her bed as well.

Ever since their small conversation they had while they had sat on Erin’s bed and Kelley had said what they both already knew, Kelley hadn’t snuck into the guest room once. It was something that Christen didn’t know she would miss, but it was another reason she felt it was okay to spend more time with Tobin if Kelley didn’t want to spend it with her.

They hadn’t talked much. She would send Kelley an ‘I’m thinking about you’ text and Kelley would update her on what she had done during the day and  who she had spent it with, but Christen noticed that her best friend didn’t usually update her when she was with Alex. And she also noticed that Kelley was communicating a lot differently with her. Her texts came at the end of the day, no time before, and it was usually hours after Christen had sent something to her during her training breaks.

She was getting more and more sad that Kelley may have been pulling away from her too, in anticipation of Christen’s departure.

She sat in the driveway of Kelley’s house and she wrestled with what to do. She didn’t know if she should stay out here and wait for them and greet them like she hadn’t seen Kelley’s face, or if she should just go inside and just wait for her best friend for the time she was done with Alex and came back home.

She sat there for a long-time debating, and unintentionally forced the hand that she should just wait for the two people that were already close by. It would look weird for them to see her get out of her car and then at the sight of them just walk in and avoid them.

“Hey…you two.” She said with a smile.

Alex gave her a big smile and a big wave as they walked over, while Kelley just looked at her, her eyes set on her and never really looking away.

“It’s pretty late out what are you two doing out here?”

Alex came and gave Christen a hug before she said, “Oh you know, letting this one here get a good workout. I think she’s even sweating.”

Kelley smirked.

“How’s your ankle?” Christen asked. She was subtlety perturbed at the distance Kelley was keeping from her, and she couldn’t help the feeling of bitterness because CHRISTEN was the one that took care of her and her ankle.

Kelley nodded to affirm that it was good and gave a small smile. It eased some but not all of Christen’s unease.

“It’s not sore? You’re okay?” Christen could hear her tone getting softer as she aimed her questions at Kelley and stepped closer.

“I’m okay.” Kelley nodded again.

“Good.” Christen said. She felt that there was something weird happening. She couldn’t really explain it, but Alex’s smile and Kelley’s reserved nature made Christen feel kind of funny. She felt like she was being left out of something.

“How was practice or training or whatever it’s called?” Alex asked Christen.

“It was good. Really hard today, I’m pretty beat.” Christen admitted. The exhaustion she felt on the drive home had taken the back seat to this weird feeling she was harboring now, but she could still feel it a little.

“Well, are you excited?? I’ve never been to Sweden so I don’t know if it’s like amazing, but I’m sure it is!” Alex exclaimed.

“Um..yeah.” Christen said with a nod. Her eyes looked away from Kelley, reluctantly.

“I’m really excited, actually. I haven’t had much time to really prepare so I’m a little ehhh about my fitness, but I will catch up. They play a more technical game than an athletic one so I think I will be okay…I used to play for that club so I got the advantage of going into familiar territory.”

“Oh well, I’ve seen you run down the street when you go on your run…it looks like you’re more fit than me?” Alex joked. “Just kidding, I mean you haven’t been training for only a couple of months, but you have been for the rest of your life so I think you’ll be good.””

Christen and Kelley chuckled.

“She’s so cute.” Kelley commented

“What?! You two have played for decades I’m sure you got it!” Alex said.

“Yeah but she’s only got a few days left before she’s gotta make the flight. You gotta think about how much you lose when you don’t workout for a few months…you gotta have that much time to get it back.” Kelley explained.

“Whatever.” Alex said with a dismissive wave with her hand. “I believe in you. You didn’t become a Stanford athlete because you’re average like the rest of us.”

Christen smiled before she joked to Kelley, “So you told her about my peak years?”

“Oh. Yeah!” Alex said excitedly. “I mean I’ve known who you are since we were in college, so I’m sure you’re a beast.”

Christen froze for a just a split second and her eyes flitted to Kelley, who hadn’t taken her eyes off of her.

“Oh you have?” Christen asked quietly. She could feel her jaw set.

“Yeah. Of course. You’re more famous than your Houston scandal.” Alex offered with a kind smile. She was unaware of the stiffness of Christen’s body.

“I told her about you when I went to visit my mom.” Kelley said, never blinking. She was confirming the answer that Christen had been wanting to know for a long time. And she could tell that Kelley could read her mind in this moment.

“Oh?” Was all Christen said. Her eyes didn’t leave Kelley’s either now.

The topic of their demise was finally being discussed.

“Yeah. I ended up spending all my time with her that whole week before I came back home.” Kelley said matter of factly.

“Oh. You told me that you were with your mom.” Christen said quietly.

“I lied.” Kelley said calmly.

Christen knew that she was making it really awkward for Alex, but she couldn’t help it. This topic was an accurate description of how she felt when the two of them had walked up to her moments ago. She had felt left out, like she wasn’t a part of something special, and t he revelations tonight were going to confirm that she had a reason to feel what she was feeling. To feel like she was left out now, and back then.

“I mean that was the original plan. But the whole week I ended up spending it with Alex.” Kelley went on.

It looked like Alex had realized the awkwardness and she grew very uncomfortable.

“O-okay.” Christen responded with that one word, not really knowing what else to say.

“Um-well when she hung out with me she told me about this Christen girl that she was like really in love with.” Alex said with a more hesitant smile. She could tell what Christen was thinking.

“Is that so?” Christen softly aimed her question to Kelley and Kelley only.

 “Yeah.” Kelley said gently with a nod to pair with it.

Alex coughed a little before she stepped in, “She was here because my parents had just…they had died and it just wasn’t something that I wanted her to really talk about. That’s probably why…”

But Christen was still just looking at Kelley, who still hadn’t backed down and retreated her gaze. It looked like she was really ready for this conversation and Christen felt like maybe SHE was the one that wasn’t ready this time.

“So you knew about me the whole time?” Christen asked Alex, yet still not looking away from the other woman.

“No.” Kelley answered for her. “I didn’t tell her about you until the last day.”

“Okay wait.” Alex said when she gestured with her hands for everyone to stop.

“Kelley and I-”

“I didn’t cheat on you.” Kelley said with resolution. She didn’t want Alex to be the one to say it. It was clear that Christen had thought otherwise and with clarity of mind, Kelley wanted to be the one to tell the truth.

Christen felt a big sense of relief spread throughout her body. She didn’t expect for it to feel that strong and potent because she didn’t know that she needed to hear that. Christen thought that she had dealt with the fact that Kelley had cheated on her back on the day – at least an assumption of hers. But she committed to remaining guarded.

“Oh, no! we didn’t- no!” Alex hurriedly offered. “She took care of me, and she stayed over, but we didn’t…”

_Then why did we break up after that?_

Christen didn’t really hear the rest of what Alex was saying. If Kelley didn’t cheat on her, then why did she become so different after her week with Alex? Why did Kelley always seem different after she hung out with Alex? Even if Kelley hadn’t physically cheated on her, was there something about Kelley and Alex that she would never be able to compare to? She looked at the space in between Kelley and Alex and then at the space between herself and Kelley and the more intimate one was the former.

“I didn’t know that that stuff happened with your parents.” Christen said after she had made an even more dreadful realization than the one she thought she was going to have tonight. “But I did know of a girl named Alex that was Kelley’s first love.”

Alex gave a small and unsure smile. She didn’t know what Christen was planning on saying.

“So I guess she told you about me, too.” Alex said when she smiled really big at the woman who was talking the least. Kelley smiled back at her.

“She did.” Christen said with a nod.

And then there was a moment right here on Kelley’s driveway that Christen felt an urge to undo the last four years of hard work that Kelley and Christen put into becoming friends that genuinely tried to be happy for one another when someone else was in the picture.

Four long years that were possibly harder than the previous ones because it required more restraint than ever before.

And in this moment, Christen gave some slack on the restraints.

“Are you tired? You ready to go to bed?” Christen asked. She held out her hand for Kelley to choose to take.

Alex Morgan was an amazing human being , Christen could tell. And she wanted to do her no harm, but more than anything she wanted Kelley to take her hand and to walk her back to her house and say goodnight to the woman who lived on the other side of the street.

An attempt to undo four years didn’t go past Kelley. She looked at Christen with alert and questioning eyes.

_I can’t guarantee that I can be what’s right for you past this moment, but please take my hand right now._

“Um. Yeah. Sure.” Kelley said slowly. “Al I can walk you to-“

“I’m good.” Alex said with a soft smile. She kissed Kelley on the cheek before she gave the two of them a small wave and headed towards her own house.

It was just them two now.

And Christen hand was still held out waiting for Kelley to decide to take it. Because even though Alex Morgan wasn’t standing right next to them, and even though there was no audience, Christen was still asking Kelley to make the decision.  

Kelley took it.

 

++

 

Kelley was walking at her normal healthy speed now that her ankle had less restrictions, so she kept up with the quick pace that Christen had when she pulled them into the house and into Kelley’s room.

She let go of her best friend’s hand without looking at her and she asked, “Did you really not cheat on me?”

Christen didn’t turn around when it was met with silence.

She would wait.

Then she heard the sound of the door being closed. Christen turned around to make sure that Kelley hadn’t walked out.

“I never cheated on you.” Kelley said while her hand was still on the doorknob.

“Not with Alex, not with anyone. At that time that you were mine, you were MINE. I never had any intention of letting you go.” She said softly.

Christen felt all of the unease she was carrying, dissipate. Kelley didn’t cheat on her. And she felt a renewed sense of attraction to the woman before her. Kelley’s love, even if it came with its flaws, hadn’t been tainted by her love for someone else.

“I miss you.” Christen said quietly.

“Well I’m right here.” Kelley said before she crossed the space in the room and sat on her bed and looked at Christen.

“Why haven’t you been sleeping with me?” She asked sadly.

“Because I know you have something going on with Tobin.” Kelley said quietly. “I know she’s not like the others and I don’t want to hurt you even more.”

Christen gulped. Kelley was coming to terms with her attraction to Tobin, and she really was pulling away from Christen.

“I don’t want you to pull away from me.” Christen said.

Kelley chuckled. Then she smiled. It was a knowing smile.

“Isn’t that what you’re doing? Pulling away from me?” She asked.

Christen was caught. Her emotions were all over the place. She attributed it to her impending departure and her hormones and that shitty thing called love that she couldn’t reject her body from experiencing for two different people.

 “I-I have been.” Christen sadly admitted.

But Kelley didn’t look angry or offended. She just nodded before she beckoned her best friend to come over to her. Christen obeyed.

“Why is that?” Kelley asked when she wrapped her arms around Christen’s torso like she wasn’t mad that she had been actively avoiding her.

While the woman who was standing was an internal and exhausted mess.

“Kell-I-I you know that I’m still in love with you, right? You never let me say it back the other week.” Christen said in a pleading tone for understanding.

“You are?” Kelley asked quietly. She was still looking up at Christen but she seemed to be a lot more relaxed than her best friend.

“I am. I am, but I still like someone else. But I don’t know how you and I are going to keep going.” Christen said desperately.

“Why?” Kelley asked.

“I didn’t want you to spend tonight with Alex. I was asking you to choose me again. I haven’t gotten like that in years!” She explained. “I’m getting jealous again, and I’m asking you not to be when it comes to who I date. Our relationship is gonna change again.”

“It’s always changing.” Kelley said simply.

“Kelley. I want to find out what I have with Tobin.” Christen stated slowly and clearly. She didn’t want that to be lost in the conversation.

“Okay.” Kelley whispered. She was still looking up at Christen. Her best friend was a little taken aback by the expression on the sitting woman’s face. It looked like she had already come to terms with that.

“You’re okay with that!?!” Christen asked frantically. This was not a response she had expected. Nor one that she necessarily wanted. Christen didn’t know what she wanted. She was losing it.

“I don’t really have a choice.” Kelley said with another knowing smile.

“But I thought…you weren’t okay with that weeks ago.” Christen reminded her.

Kelley nodded. “I’m not throwing a party about it that’s for sure. And I’m not pulling away either, Chris. You’ve been busy, and I’ve been trying to keep myself busy, too.”

“Busy with what? With Alex?” Christen asked. She was feeling guilty about being with Tobin, and it was a little weird to know that Kelley wasn’t even spending her time thinking about the same thing.

“Are you mad about that?” Kelley asked softly.

Christen struggled with what to say. She didn’t know she was mad about that until she found out about it, minutes ago. And she was okay with it in the months before, but right now she wanted to put an end to her best friend seeing Alex. She was aware of the ridiculousness.

“Please don’t be mad at that. She’s helping me out. A lot.” Kelley said when she squeezed Christen tighter and buried deep into her hold.

“I know.” Christen whispered. She stroked Kelley’s hair and found comfort in the softness of the strands that were sprouting on the top of her hair. They stayed like this for awhile. Christen could smell Kelley’s shampoo and the smell of her mother’s laundry detergent, and she hoped that she would never forget what that smelled like.

She could feel Kelley’s hand looped around her start to bunch the fabric of her shirt into her fists as she tightened the hold.

Kelley resurfaced. “I’ll change whatever you want me to change between you and I.”

Christen couldn’t help that her eyes were getting big at the surprise of Kelley’s lack of a fight.

Kelley was acting different.

“I know she’s important to you. And you’re important to me. I just want to keep you in my life.” Kelley admitted.

“You’re okay with me seeing Tobin?” Christen clarified.

“It’s not up to me. I know that now.” Kelley said quietly.

“What if I fall in love with her?”

Kelley’s grip loosened a little but that was the only sign of her strength wavering in her decision.

“You’re already starting to, right?” The woman asked.

Christen broke from her best friends hold. She stepped back to catch a breath. She didn’t know if this was real life. Was Kelley really accepting that Christen was falling in love with someone who wasn’t her? Why was Christen not okay with Kelley accepting that so quickly?

This was not an expected response.

“Do you still love me?” Christen asked.

“With all of my heart.” Kelley said somberly when she stared on at Christen’s pacing figure.

“Do I still have your heart?”

“It’s yours.” Kelley said.

“Even if-“

“Even if you fall in love with someone else.” Kelley finished her sentence for her.

Christen stopped again to look at Kelley.

The woman was different. She was sweet like Christen knew she could be, but she was being sweet about something Christen never ever that she would be sweet about. It was hard to fathom since Christen herself wouldn’t be able to be sweet about it.

“Does this mean that you’ve fallen in love with someone else?” Christen asked.

She hoped not. No matter how selfish this hope was, she hoped not. She wanted to rescind the permission she gave to Kelley to date other people when Kelley was her coach and she was a senior in college.

Because if Kelley was truly okay with Christen with someone else, it meant that Kelley was with someone else.

Kelley looked down at her hands. She wasn’t the one who had been avoiding the others gaze tonight, but this was the first time she was the one that looked away. To Christen, it looked like Kelley was thinking about how she was going to break her heart.

“I got a divorce because of you.”

Christen didn’t know how to reel those words back in. They came out with mount warning. She knew that this conversation with Kelley was making her panic, but she couldn’t really understand why. Kelley was giving her what she wanted.

When she looked at her best friend sitting on her bed looking at her like she was devastated, Christen realized that she was repeating history and Kelley knew what she was doing.

“I- I never told you that. I never told XXXX that either. But I was still in love with you and I couldn’t make that work.” Christen admitted defeatedly.

“I know.” Kelley said.

“You did? Y-you already knew that?” Christen felt something being ripped away from her. She didn’t know if it was supposed to feel good since it was ripped off quickly, or if she should lament that it was gone and now she was vulnerable and still wounded.

“I did.” Kelley said. She said it like it was an admission that she didn’t know would make her guilty, but she was realizing it now

“Don’t you know how miserable I was?? Why didn’t you talk to me after it had happened if you knew that??” Christen exclaimed. She had reached the point of no return and she felt lightheaded. She didn’t forget that she was exhausted from the day but this right here was too important. She needed to know.

“I didn’t know if I would make you happy.” Kelley explained.

“I DIVORCED MY WIFE BECAUSE OF YOU.” Christen reminded her.

“And at the time I didn’t think that I should be around. My love for you has just caused you pain.” Her best friend said softly.

“Do you still think that?? Do you still think that all you can do is cause me pain?” Christen demanded. This was a question she has asked of herself many times.

It was time to ask Kelley that.

The woman looked sad. “I hope not. I hope I can get better for you.”

“Then why are you letting me fall in love with someone else again?!?”

This was her panic. This was it. Falling in love with Tobin and not wanting Kelley to let her go were two sides of the same coin.

Kelley wouldn’t have let this happen without a fight weeks ago and Christen didn’t know what had happened for it to have changed.

“Because she makes you happy, Christen.” Kelley said gently.

She looked like it pained her to say it even though she believed it.

Christen repeated Kelley’s words in her head: _Because she makes you happy._

Kelley’s inability to let Christen go was something she could always depend on to validate that Kelley still loved her.

But those words she said, the fact that she was letting Christen fall for someone else, “because she makes you happy,” was when she really accepted that Kelley loved her.

It was when she finally came to terms that she had her heart broken when she was 20 by someone who really did love her, but just didn’t know how to go about doing it. It wasn’t because Christen wasn’t enough.

It was all too much. The understanding of Kelley’s love was overwhelming. It was like she was meeting Kelley again for the first time.

And she was still in love with her like she was back then.

Kelley seemed more than ready to catch Christen who closed the distance and kissed her. It wasn’t like the kiss they shared hidden amongst the boxes. It wasn’t hesitant and cautious, it was passionate and familiar and deep.

And that night, no one had to sneak into the other room so that they could spend the night in the same bed.

There was no way they were going to let each other go that night.

 

++

 

“What’s up?” Alex asked. She looked really worried when she had come out of her classroom to meet Kelley in the hallway. It was in the middle of the day and it must have been something urgent if Kelley was trying to take her out of her classroom.

“Is everything alright? Are you okay?” Alex asked.

“I’m okay.” Kelley said with a wave to her hand. “I just needed to talk to you.”

“Okay…” Alex waited.

“I uh…” Kelley nervously shifted from one foot to the other. She looked like she was hopped up on something.

“I slept with Christen last night.”

“Oh.”

Kelley looked on as Alex processed the information.

“That was quick.” The teacher commented.

“I just got this urge to tell you. I couldn’t wait for you to come back home from work.” Kelley explained. She looked like a ball of nerves, a kid waiting for the first day of school to begin.

Alex smiled. She watched as Kelley started to play with the drawstrings of her hoodie, and avoided her stare.

“Well that’s great babe. Isn’t it?” Alex whispered. She stroked Kelley’s chin to get her too look up and look into her eyes. Alex wanted to know why Kelley didn’t want to look up.

There was fear in her eyes, she realized when her best friend obeyed.

“Is it not?” She asked.

“I’m gonna have to let her go.” Kelley said sadly.

“Isn’t that what you’ve been working-I thought you said that you knew that you had to come to terms with that with the doc.” Alex said.

“I have. I just…”

Kelley shrugged.

“It’s harder to do than say?” Alex asked.

Kelley nodded.

“I mean-I know that I have to and I will. I know that I will. It’s just that it’s gonna hurt when it happens and she leaves.” She said defeatedly.

“You’ve been hurting for a long time, babe.” Alex reminded her.

“I know.” She admitted quietly.

“It’s what she needs and what you need. You have to figure out what this is.” Alex said when she tapped Kelley’s temple. “If you don’t, you’re never gonna fix anything.”

Kelley nodded. She looked on at her childhood best friend.

“He’s really lucky you know.” She commented.

Alex’s serious and caring expression broke into a smile at her friend’s kind words.

“I’m serious. I know that you two are doing this weird post-engagement thing-and honestly I love it cuz I still get to see you naked-” Kelley dodged the playful swat of her best friend, punishing her.

“Yeah well that’s gonna have to come to end now, huh?” Alex asked with a finger wagging at Kelley and a smirk aimed at her too.

“It doesn’t have to…” Kelley said when she went in for a hug.

But Alex just kissed her and then gave her a look to let her know that it was all going to have to come to an end, and that it would be their last kiss for now.

“Okay.” Kelley said with a nod.

“But I still mean it. He’s lucky. To me you’re never not going to be someone that I love.” She said softly.

Kelley was happy to see Alex’s smile softened.

“You saved my life, Alex.” She whispered.

“I didn’t do such a thing.” Her best friend said.

“You did.” Kelley pushed. “I have a lot more work to do, but I wouldn’t have EVER gotten help without you, and I don’t know how much time I would have had left, feeling the way I was feeling. I don’t know, I could have-“

Alex kissed her again. She would let THAT one be their last kiss for now, because she didn’t want Kelley to continue that sentence about what she might have done if she didn’t get help.

“But you won’t. Right?” Alex asked. She pleaded for Kelley to say no to that question.

“I won’t.” Kelley said gently.

“Good.” Alex said.

“Because you are truly spectacular, Kelley O’Hara.”

 

++

 

_Kelley wanted tonight to be the night. Everything had fallen in line for it to be._

_Alex’s parents were out of town and she was going to spend the night, and Kelley had just went to the store with her mom the past weekend so she had a killer outfit to impress with. Alex wanted to go to the party, and Kelley wanted to impress her._

_It was going to happen tonight._

_“I think Bryan said that he wanted to chill for a bit. Teach me how to shotgun a beer.” Alex said._

_Kelley rolled her eyes as they walked home._

_“What? You don’t like Bryan?” Her best friend asked._

_“You’re too good for him.” She said while both of her hands grabbed the straps of her backpack and she hoped that Alex wouldn’t able to hear the bitterness in her voice._

_“He’s not that bad. He’s nice to me.” Her best friend defended._

_“Yeah, but I’m nice to you too. That doesn’t mean anything.” Kelley said. She kicked at a pebble on the road in front of her._

_They walked for a little bit in silence._

_“Are you saying that the way you treat me doesn’t mean anything to you?”_

_Kelley furrowed her brow. “No! That’s not what I meant.”_

_“Well then what did you mean?” Alex pushed._

_“I…I meant that…I meant that you shouldn’t- just because a guy is nice to you doesn’t mean he’s good enough for you.” Kelley explained._

_“Well then who is good enough for me?” Alex asked quietly._

_Kelley pulled her straps tighter around her shoulders._

_“I don’t know…someone who is more than nice to you. Who would do anything for you. Like walk you home and listen to you all night. I don’t know, just someone who knows you more than anyone else. They’d be there for you no matter what.” She said with a shrug._

_“Why would I need a guy to do that if you already do that stuff for me?” Alex said quietly._

_Kelley didn’t expect her best friend to say that. Alex wasn’t looking at her, she was looking down at her shoes as they walked._

_Kelley didn’t know how she was to respond. She was hoping that the alcohol at the party tonight would give her what she needed to be able to answer that question._

_So for right now, she just softly bumped her shoulder into her best friend’s to get her to look at her._

_Alex smiled at her._

_“Well come with me first. I need to pick out my outfit for tonight before I go to yours.” Alex said when she grabbed Kelley’s arm and held onto it when she pulled her to the opposite side of the street of her house._

_She let herself be dragged into the task of having to sit patiently as her best friend took hours to model and pick the right articles of clothing._

_Kelley hated doing that. But tonight she didn’t hate it as much as she watched Alex go back and forth over the numerous outfits._

_She hoped that she would remember this sight of Alex forever._

_Because even though tonight might change things, for bad or for good, Kelley would always know that she was lucky to even have this girl’s friendship._

_Because If Kelley wasn’t the girl Alex wanted to LAY next to, Kelley still had the privilege to be the girl she wanted to LIVE next to._

_++_

“It’s okay, Chris.” Tobin said softly.

“Do you still want to see me?” Christen asked.

“If you want to.” She said softly.

Christen couldn’t understand Tobin’s mindset.

“I just told you that I slept with Kelley last night.” She said slowly. She was wondering if the woman before her hadn’t heard her say that.

“I know.” Tobin nodded. “You also told me that you still want to see me. That Kelley’s okay with it. That I make you happy.”

“I don’t understand-“

“Chris. I’m not asking for to marry me. I’m just here to see if we have something. Maybe something that can be different, but just as strong as you and Kelley. If not, then…not. I just wanted honesty. And you’re giving that to me.”

Christen wiped the sweat from her forehead while she tried to wrap her head around it. Tobin must have been an angel. There was no way that a normal human being was gonna want to continue talking to her knowing that Christen had succumbed to the old and familiar last night.

“If you want to stop. If you know that you can’t love me, then that’s another story.” Tobin said.

“I-I don’t. Want To stop , that is. I guess I’m just not used to this.”Christen admitted.

“I’m not gonna fight for your affection if that’s what you’re wanting.” Tobin warned. “It’s either I have it, or I don’t.”

“You do.” Christen whispered.

“Then I’m okay.” Tobin said gently.

“I’m not gonna keep making sure you’re not living in your past. If you want to go back, just tell me. But I don’t want to go with you back to your past. I want to know if you want to live moment to moment, next to me.”

The concept seemed foreign, but she wondered if this was what Kelley wanted for her.

Tobin made her happy. Was this what was possibly going to make her happy?

_I have to figure out how to be happy because I just don’t know how to do that. So if she makes you happy, then do what you need to do. Cause I’m gonna figure out how to do the same when you’re gone._

Kelley had said those words to her last night when they were laying in bed and Christen was brushing her hair with her fingers.

“I do.” Christen said before she turned back around at the sound of her trainers yelling that it was time to come back.

“Moment to moment. I do. In sweden.” She twisted the hand towel nervously while Tobin furrowed her brow in question.

“What do you mean?” The woman asked.

“I want you to come with me. To Sweden. Live moment to moment.” Christen said quietly.

“You don’t have to. But if you wanted to.” She added.

Tobin just stood there, her eyes looking at Christen’s, they were rapidly searching left and right.

“Are you serious?”

Christen took a deep breath. She knew that it was a big ask of someone who had just said that they had no strings attached to one another.

But when she turned to walk away, she felt another onset of a revival in her life when Tobin kissed her hard.

It was like Tobin was telling her that she made her happy too.

“I’ll start packing my bags.” Tobin said with a smile. It was a beautiful smile.

Christen felt her heart flutter at the thought of something new. The potential for her to get things right this time felt amazing, liberating even.

“So that’s a yes?”

“It’s a hell yes.” Tobin said. She kissed Christen on the cheek before she made her way to the entrance to the facility to go home to start the packing for the big trip they were gonna make in a few days. Christen watched her go. This was the start of a new chapter. And she couldn’t have been more excited to turn the page.

Until she saw Tobin stop in her tracks, halfway to the door.

Christen hoped that Tobin hadn’t just reconsidered. In Christen’s mind she had already turned the metaphorical page and she hoped that she could really start that new chapter.

So she wondered why Tobin had stopped. She was just standing there. Her back was to Christen. She was frozen.

Christen waved the calls off of her trainers that were heckling her to come back and she started walking closer to the woman, hoping that she can convince her she was making the right decision in going to Sweden with her.

But when she got so very close, within arm’s reach, she realized why Tobin had stopped.

Christen realized that she hadn’t fully put her pain with Kelley fully behind her in order for her to go forward, when she saw Karen O’Hara by the door holding a brown bag of lunch, looking just as devastated as Kelley did when she first found out that Christen had the ability to be with someone else.


	14. To Run Alongside Her

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Merry xmas xx

 

 

Kelley threw her headphones down onto the mat. She had plucked them out of her ears in frustration and she felt like she would be of more worth to this earth if she was six feet under the ground. She knew that her tears that came out of frustration were just reminders of her inability to cope with things, and she didn’t care that someone with a degree told her that she should be aware of it. Being aware didn’t help to solve it.

“Fuck!”

She sat down slowly and let her injured foot hover over the ground while she wiped the sweat and tears that coated her face. Kelley wanted to sit and feel sorry for herself, or angry with herself, but there was a nagging thought in her head that the inner voice should just fucking shut up.

She took a deep breath while that assertive notion in her head to silence everything else let her have the floor to just listen to her heart beat. She grabbed her bad ankle with both hands, and let herself cry. There was no one in sight who could see her tears, and she just needed to cry. Just for a little bit.

It’s not that her ankle was hurting, it’s that it didn’t feel strong enough. It wasn’t going to be able to support her in the things she wanted to do. Kelley knew intellectually that her feelings of being a failure were a part of the process but this time it felt _real._ She was getting older and science held a really good argument against her ability as a middle-aged woman to continue playing soccer like she was 12.

She wanted to call it a day. Kelley didn’t have the strength today to do it. Both physical and mental. She was glad that no one could see her give up for the day, because she’s didn’t think that she’d be able to handle dealing with anyone in her life telling her that they were surprised because she had a will unlike others. She understood that she had this label, but today was too exhausting for her to try to live up to what she could be.

Kelley was glad that she wasn’t wearing any of her Under Armour gear because she didn’t feel like she was fit to represent anything.

On the way back home, she could hear Alex’s voice telling her to chill out and to just be kind to herself. And she didn’t have the energy to fight it so she just let herself get lost in the lyrics of the really sad song playing on her phone.

She regained conscience of the world in front of her when she turned onto her street. Kelley tried to tell herself that she needed to stop doing that. She couldn’t recall the last ten minutes she spent driving home and she had missed out on that part of her life. She made a mental note to remember to not do that.

Kelley slowed down when she reached the curb that her car had her kicked to since Christen and Erin both had taken the reserved parking spots of those that offered ancillary emotional services to Kelley. It was the least she could do.

But when she applied the hand brake, she saw Christen waiting for her. It was strange. It was usually Kelley that did the waiting.

She opted to leave her stuff in the trunk of her car and she walked over to the sitting figure on the porch by the front door.

Christen was looking at her with so much sadness.

“What’s wrong?”

But Christen didn’t answer. Instead she held out her hand for Kelley to take before she sat down next to her.

Kelley waited.

“I think your mom hates me.” Christen whispered.

“Why would you say that? She loves you.” Kelley reassured her.

“No.” Christen shook her head. “She saw me and Tobin, and she just looked so…”

She didn’t want to think about the facial expression Karen had on her face when her and Christen had met eyes. It was ten long seconds of torture before the woman had just turned back around.

“I think I really hurt her.” Christen said sadly. “I think she hates me.”

“No. She does-“

“You hated me. It’s possible. You and her are the same.” Christen explained in a panic.

“She doesn’t hate you.” Kelley said softly.

“But she’s never gonna forgive me.” Christen added.

“There’s nothing for her to forgive.” Kelley said when she squeezed Christen’s hand. “Don’t freak out. She just freaked out. And she will NEVER hate you.”

Christen turned to her with glassy eyes.

“She looked heartbroken.” Kelley didn’t know who must have looked more heartbroken, Christen or her mom.

Christen couldn’t look at the other woman she broke the heart of when Kelley sadly smiled and said, “I can imagine,” very softly.

“I’ve been waiting for your mom to come home but she hasn’t. And I don’t want to text her because-I- this isn’t something you can talk about over-“

“Okay okay.” Kelley put her arm around Christen who was on her way to becoming a really big mess.

“Don’t. Don’t wait for my mom to come home. She’s at work. And you don’t owe her anything.” Kelley said.

“I owe her an apology for lying to her!” Christen explained.

“No you don’t.” Kelley said gently.

“Kelley! Stop! You’re in this with me and your mom-“

“She knows you’re not my real girlfriend.”

Kelley tried to brace herself for the consequences of another one of her fuckups. She just waited for Christen’s justified outrage to spill out.

But it was met with a long while of silence before anyone said anything.

“What?” Christen asked quietly. But they both know that she heard Kelley’s words.

“She knows that we’ve been faking it.”

“Since when?” Christen asked quietly. Sometimes the fact that she was quiet in the beginning meant that it was the calm before the storm.

“Since that day I wanted to go to the zoo.” Kelley said quietly.

“Months ago…?”

Kelley’s silence answered the question.

Christen got up from her seated position. Kelley has seen Christen react that way to some of the stupid shit she had pulled, so she knew that this was probably one of those fuckups that was high up on the list of reasons to sever ties.

She didn’t see Christen’s face because the woman had her back to her, and Kelley thought that it was probably for the best since she deserved all that was gonna come her way.

She knew that either a screaming match was gonna ensue, or Christen was going to silently go upstairs to pack her bags and leave two days earlier than she was scheduled to. Kelley got up and leaned against the column and put her weight on her good foot, trying to get ready to deal with what was going to be dealt.

“Why did you and her continue to-“ Christen had put her hand up that she didn’t have a purpose for, when it reached her face. It was probably to wipe at tears, but the woman had thought twice about showing weakness.

“I lied to her.” Kelley said. “I told her that I was trying to get you back and that it was close to happening. And I just needed her to keep me in line.”

Kelley realized that this could have been the last straw. The real one. She’s thought this a lot of times in her relationship with Christen, but she hasn’t done something this fucked up.

“How did she find out?” Christen asked. She still wasn’t facing Kelley, but the way her voice wavered gave Kelley a clue on how weak she made Christen. Kelley knew not to touch her but she walked closer to her.

“She said she could tell that day that you and I haven’t worked stuff out. And then she saw me kiss Alex goodbye.” Kelley admitted.

Christen finally turned around. And she looked as sad as Kelley expected.

“Please be patient with me.” Kelley begged her. She looked down at the ground. She knew she was asking way too much. Just because she was starting to things in perspective didn’t meant that she deserved the grace of people’s time she’s wasted.

“I know I’m not what you nee-“

Kelley clutched her chest when Christen walked back into the house, not letting her finish the sentence that Christen wouldn’t have cared for anyway.

She didn’t need to remind herself that this pain she was feeling was deserved. Kelley didn’t like to think about the consequences of her actions when it came to her aspirations of being with Christen. She never wanted to give her brain TOO much space with self doubt when it came to Christen because she knew that she would need some self-delusion when it came to her will to be with Christen if she were to keep this fantasy up.

Kelley stood there for a very long time.

She wanted to take the cue from her mom and give Christen more time and space. Instead of walking in the house and following Christen, she walked back to her car to grab her headphones and her phone.

O’Hara: if you leave, I deserve it

Kelley threw her phone back into her car and she was thankful that her watch had a playlist on it. If Christen were to have left by the time she got back, even though she deserved it, she knew that she wouldn’t receive a response and she didn’t need the phone. Kelley started running.

She didn’t stop running for a long time.

 

++

 

“I think you’re ridiculous, dude.”

Kelley nodded solemnly. She was pretty ridiculous and it wasn’t an unfair statement.

“Here.” Tobin waved for her to come inside the garage that had a fridge and she threw a water bottle her way. Kelley took it gratefully since her watch had just told her that she had run 7.4 miles. She was definitely out of shape, she knew that that number wouldn’t deceive her five of those miles were out of pure will and fear that she wouldn’t get away from a home she had that Christen wouldn’t come back to.

“You want another one?” Tobin asked when Kelley had thrown half of the bottle on her face.

Kelley didn’t speak but she nodded. When she downed the second one, without invitation she found the couch in Tobin’s warehouse that she sat on when they had gotten high and she collapsed on it, belly down and her head fanned out to the side so that she could see the other human being there.

“You can’t keep doing that.”

She looked up to see Tobin looking at her sadly.

Kelley nodded in agreement. She knew that Tobin would have known what she had done by the time she got here so it didn’t surprise her. Kelley was just so exhausted that she couldn’t use her words while her lungs and her heart were trying to cool down.

“What were you thinking?” Tobin asked her when she sat down on the one-seater next to the couch.

Kelley shook her head. She shrugged. She knew that she did what she did because she wasn’t thinking that she would lose Christen in the end.

She laid there, realizing that an ending was the most probable result after everything that they’ve been through.

Kelley rolled over so that she could stare at the high ceiling of the warehouse.

“I asked her to be patient with me.” Kelley said when her heart started to calm.

“Can you believe that?” She asked.

“Actually, I can.” Tobin said. “You guys have a ridiculous relationship.”

 “That’s selfish of me, huh? ”She said quietly. It was like she was saying it to herself more than to Tobin.

“I just don’t think she has the finish line in sight for her to realize what that patience is gonna get her.” Tobin said.

“So what? You’re gonna be the one at the finish line?” Kelley asked after she took a  huge gulp from her water bottle..

“I don’t know.” Tobin said softly.

“Pfft. C’mon. She’s worth it. You really gonna tell me that it’s not your intentions?” Kelley asked in disbelief. They’ve never addressed that they were both vying for Christens affection because they both knew that it was understood in every interaction they had.

“If I’m there, I’m there.” Tobin said.

“And you know I’m not going to apologize for it.” She added.

Kelley nodded. She would never apologize for that either.

“But my intentions are to run alongside her.” Tobin said.  “And if I’m there the same time she is, then I’m there.”

Kelley gulped down the rest of her water.

That was never her strategy with Christen and it seemed so simple that she needed to gulp down everything so that she wouldn’t be able to verbally berate herself in front of another human being who would definitely think she was crazy.

To run alongside her.

Kelley probably only had a year where she got to run alongside her.

She’s always thought that she needed to run ahead of Christen and meet her there and that it was the only way she could make up for the miles she held her back.

Christen was always, at the end of the day, no matter who Kelley was in a relationship with, going to be the first prize she was seeking. And she had worked so hard to jump through these obstacles at a pace without Christen that they had lost each other along the way. And when they did manage to reconnect, Kelley had done everything to prove that she could win that race for Christen, but ahead of her, not with her.

To run alongside her. What a simple concept.

“You know that at the end of the day, I’ll be happy if she leaves you.” Kelley said when she got up and grabbed another water bottle in the fridge.

“I know.” Tobin said with a nod.

“But I also know that if I’m what she wants, that you’re gonna have to find happiness in another way.” She added.

“It’s not fair.” Kelley said calmly when she turned around and faced that someone that she wanted to hate so much, but couldn’t for some reason.

“You got two healthy legs in this race.” Kelley said when she pointed at Tobin’s right ankle. But they knew that they were talking about some other kind of advantage that Tobin obviously had. Kelley didn’t know what it was.

Tobin chuckled.

“What?! It’s not fair.” Kelley said with a shrug.

“It ain’t how this works, O’Hara. You’ve been running a lot longer than me. You can’t feel sorry for yourself. No one is going to feel sorry for you.” Tobin said.

“Yeah and with running longer comes more opportunity for injury.” Kelley countered. “More fuckups.”

Tobin chuckled again. She looked at Kelley and they both knew that if they met in other circumstances, they could probably be friends in that they perceived the world similarly. Maybe they were friends, they didn’t know.

“Don’t go there.” Tobin warned her when she tipped the top of her bottle towards the woman across her.

“Why not?” Kelley asked, shrugging.

“Because you can fucking run, O’Hara.” Tobin said with a shaking head.

“With two fucking feet that still work. You got both of them for your job AND for this race. You don’t have one that’s completely out of commission like this thing I have here.” Tobin pointed to her other hand that was hidden away in her jean pocket.

“You can run like 30 miles on the way here.” Tobin added in disbelief.

“Don’t ever tell me to feel sorry for you. Don’t ever tell me that you got that disadvantage. It’s not gonna fly by me.” Tobin said, her nostrils flaring just a little.

Kelley looked down at the limp hand of Tobin’s and then at all of the art on the walls that had been created by just one healthy hand.

Then she looked down at her shoes and she could see herself still standing.

“You got those two feet. Start running in the right direction.” Tobin said.

She gave Kelley another water bottle before she embarked on the long and winding road that would lead her back home.

 

++

 

It had to be three am by the time she got back. She had stopped by some gas station in which she had swiped a protein bar when no one was looking in order to have enough gas in the tank for the remainder of her trip. She even stopped at Sammy’s house which was on the way to use her restroom and catch a breather.

“You sure you don’t want me to drive you dude it’s like three miles away. That’s pretty far.” Sam had said.

Through all of her exhaustion, and delirium, she busted out laughing at that comment. Nikki and Sam thought she was crazy for a second. But she had declined the offer and had managed to finish the run.

She was so tired that she didn’t even get her phone from her car and she just bent down to get the spare key under the mat and let herself in. The couch looked so inviting but she knew that the soft mattress was really her metaphorical finish line tonight. She couldn’t give up now.

She was starting to feel the ache already when she climbed the stairs. And then she got reminded that earlier today she had been beating herself up for not being able to make it through rehab and that she was weak.

What a state of mind could do for the body.

When she opened the door, she did have to admit that she was surprised Christen was in her bed, still here. It didn’t even occur to her to register if Christen’s car was in the driveway. She could see from the nightlight she had that Christen’s body was turned towards the wall and it looked like she was asleep.

Kelley crossed the distance of the room to turn off the lamp on the nightstand before she walked back out.

But before she could,

“Where are you going?” She heard Christen’s sad voice.

“To the other room, I don’t wanna-“

Christen threw the blanket open for her.

Kelley now knew what unconditional love looked like. Even if they weren’t gonna make it, Christen still loved her.

When she sat down on the bed, it felt like heaven to give her body a rest. She turned her upper body around to see that Christen was watching her as she had her head laid on the pillow.

Kelley took off her t-shirt which was soaked and then her bra to go with it. She slowly got up to get another shirt she could lay in bed with and threw it over her body before she came back to her spot on the bed.

Kelley kicked off her shoes, and then her shorts, and then she pulled her socks off slowly. She was hesitant to do so because by the time Kelley had gotten to Sam’s house, everything below her knee was numb and she wasn’t ready to see the damage she had caused her newly reconstructed ankle.

It was swollen. But not as bad as she thought.

She got up again to retrieve the remaining brown tape she had left to lightly wrap her ankle with.

“I can do it.” Christen said when Kelley sat down on the bed yet again.

“No. Don’t. I can do it.” Kelley said when she gently put her hand on Christen’s stomach to prevent her from sitting up. “I got it.”

She was running on fumes, and once she had wrapped it securely, she was now ready to pass out and Kelley’s head instantly hit the pillow.

She could hear the inhales and exhales of their breaths, and it was a nice soundtrack.

Then she felt the sensation of Christen’s hand sliding over stomach and to her side so that Christen could hold onto her.

It ached. Kelley didn’t deserve it but it’s all she would ever want.

“I talked to your mom.” Christen whispered. 

Kelley nodded. Her eyes were closing because Christen was in her arms and at least for tonight, possibly the last night, she felt relaxed. Truly relaxed.

“Can I talk to you tomorrow?

Kelley nodded before she witnessed her last seconds before she would wake up and it would be tomorrow.

 

++

 

She could feel the movements of Christen by the vibration of the bed, and she knew that she should get up, too. Her best friend had another busy day today in setting up for her big departure and Kelley was not going to be able to see her much at all today.

She opened up her eyes and she could see Christen on the floor staring into the emptiness of her suitcase. Kelley watched her for a little bit, wondering what her best friend could be thinking. She was a little surprised to see that it was empty, thinking that Christen would have packed it up already in anger of Kelley.

Christen could sense the feelings of Kelley’s eyes on her and she turned to look at her.

“I wanted to keep you here this time.” Kelley said when she sat up. “I went about it the wrong way. Again.”

Christen sighed. “You did.”

Kelley rubbed the sleep from her eyes and she slid off the bed so that she could sit right next to her best friend.

“Were you ever going to tell me?”

It was Kelley’s turn to sigh. “Eventually.”

“Eventually like years? Cause how long did it take you to tell me about that week with Alex?” Christen pointed out.

“I hope not.” Kelley said sadly. “I did it wrong. I know.”

Christen got up to grab some of the stack of her clothes in Kelley’s closet and put them next to her when sat back down so that she could start arranging it.

“Why didn’t you tell me that you were getting help?” She asked quietly. She had her hand on top of the stack frozen there when she asked her best friend without looking at her.

“I was going to. Yesterday. I just haven’t had time to talk to you.” Kelley said. She leaned her head back on the side of the bed because she felt like this was going to be a losing battle.

“I’m sorry, Christen.” She murmured. She wiped her eyes on the linen of the bed sheets.

“Why did you put me through that?” Christen asked when she resumed her packing.

“I’ve never had you since I lost you. And I got desperate enough…”

Christen nodded her head. Kelley couldn’t really read her best friend since her view was the back of her head. Christen got up to get the bin in the closet with all of their socks and she started sorting them out into two piles. A pile of Kelley’s and a pile of hers.

“Why couldn’t we make things work?” Christen asked as she threw two bundles of socks into Kelley’s designated pile.

“Such a great question.” Kelley said defeatedly.

“I love you.” Christen said.

“And I love you too.” Kelley responded quickly.

“Then why is that not enough?” Christen asked. She turned to face Kelley.

“Why couldn’t I be the one to convince you to get help? Why is it Alex? What is it about her?” Christen asked. Her lips were quivering so she turned back around and slowly reached for another sock to sort.

Kelley held on to the back of Christen’s sweater so that she could feel connected to her in the shared feeling of profound sadness that maybe love wasn’t going to win at the end of the day with this one.

“I didn’t know how to deal with you and all of this. I still don’t. And she does.” Christen said bitterly. “I talked to your mom last night and after she told me that you were seeing a doctor-”

Christen shifted in her seated position in order to give herself a break.

“I panicked.” Christen said calmly.

“Why? What about?” Kelley asked. She tugged at her sweater a little and she held on.

“I wasn’t as mad as I thought I was going to be yesterday.” Christen said. “I mean, I was mad, but I talked about it with Tobin and…I understood why you did it. I used to do that to you all the time when we were younger. So I guess I can understand. But I’m panicking because what kind of people have we become?”

Kelley dropped her head in shame and she let go of her hold on her best friend.

“I’ve never been able to deal with this pain of all of this shit-and not understanding this whole time that you needed help beyond me. Tobin is the only one that has helped me deal with it, it hasn’t been you Kelley.”

Kelley kept her head down in between her legs but she nodded in understanding.

“And I couldn’t even do the simple thing of asking you to get help even though i should have known you needed it.” Christen said sadly.

“I’m panicking because you and I cannot keep doing this. And I want to. I really do want to keep doing this and that’s freaking crazy. I need to go. You and I aren’t healthy for each other.”

Kelley didn’t respond. She kept her head down as Christen continued to busy her hands with the packing. They both didn’t know how else to act because they’ve never actually said these words that seemed so obvious now it was said aloud. They’ve alluded to it or they used ambiguous words, but this was clear.

When Kelley had enough time to wipe her face enough to pick up her head, she started to help Christen put stuff into the huge suitcase. There was nothing else she could think to do to help.

“I told your mom that I was sorry that I couldn’t be the one to make you get help.” Christen said quietly.

“It’s not your job.” Kelley said when she picked up the t-shirt of Christen’s that she really liked.

“But I want it to be.” Christen said strongly. She stuffed the pair of shorts into the sides with frustration. “I still want it to be, but I…”

Kelley stopped her packing.

“Your mom said she’s sorry that she put that responsibility on me. And I told her that I would accept her apology.” Christen said.

“I’m going to have to leave to go to my meeting in 15.” Christen said. “I won’t be back until tonight.”

“Can I go with you?” Kelley asked. She knew that she didn’t deserve any more of Christen’s time but she was still going to ask for it, for another chance.

“I probably can’t have someone else in these meetings.”

“I’ll wait in the car. I’ll wait.” Kelley insisted.

“I’ll buy us pancakes for the road.” She offered.

And she was lucky enough that even though she had fucked up many future she could ever have with her best friend, that Christen still found her nonsense charming.

 

++

 

Christen took a deep breath before she would leave the room and go out into the hallway that she knew Kelley was sitting, waiting for her. It was hard enough to try to focus on all the instructions she was given by all of the sponsors that were telling her what she needed to do and say during the first week in Sweden in promotion of their products, and it didn’t help that she also had to deal with all this shit with Kelley.

She’s never really dealt with it, neither of them had, and the impending deadline of Christen’s flight was making things sad.

Christen wanted to spend time with Kelley today because it was going to be her last day. She hadn’t told the O’Haras that she had opted for an earlier flight during the day tomorrow and that tonight was her last.

Kelley had made more than her fair share of mistakes, and so had Christen. The wound Kelley had inflicted was a little fresher, but a lot of self-reflection made Christen wonder if it was worth it to really dissect something that happened already. They knew that something about the both of them wasn’t working, and it couldn’t be changed in a day.

Christen looked right and left. She couldn’t find her best friend. She walked towards the entrance and eventually she could hear Kelley’s voice. She seemed to be talking on the phone, and she was around the corner.

Christen decided to wait and give her friend some time, while also indulging in her curiosity. She listened in.

“I know.” She heard Kelley say.

“I don’t expect it to- I know. I didn’t do it to…I know you’re better without me.” Kelley said sadly.

Christen wondered who she was on the phone with.

“I just wanted to tell you that I’m getting help and that you were right. No-Ann I don’t expect…Well I just wanted to say sorry.”

So she was talking to Ann. Christen felt very proud of Kelley for calling her. She didn’t know what her doctor had been telling her and the help she was getting, but Kelley has never looked back when it came to ex-girlfriends, other than herself.

“Okay. I’m sorry.”

Christen could hear the drag of Kelley’s shoes on the tile and she knew that she was coming back around the corner. Christen didn’t act to hide, but instead she rounded the corner herself and she could see Kelley stop in her tracks.

“How far down am I on that call list for the exes?” Christen asked with a joking smile.

Kelley chuckled. “You’re last but I can move you up.”

Christen watched as Kelley tapped something on her phone and put it to her ear. Christen could feel her own phone in her hand vibrate.

She smiled before she answered it.

“Hello.”

“Hello. May I please speak to Christen?”

She shook her head in Kelley’s ability to make her smile right now of all moments in their relationship.

“Speaking.”

She could see Kelley’s smirk.

“Hi Christen, this is Kelley.” Kelley’s voice softened.

“Hi Kelley.”

“I didn’t want to do this over the phone…but I just wanted to call and tell you that I’m sorry.”

“What are you sorry about?” Christen asked when she leaned on the wall.

“I’m sorry that I went about it all wrong in loving you.” Kelley said sadly. Christen looked up to see that human Kelley in front of her turned around so that her face was hidden

“All I did was hurt you.”

“That’s not all you did.” Christen interjected.

“Sometimes, it seems like it. I realized on my run home that you couldn’t take me back because…because you knew I was going to hurt you again. Whether I meant to or not.”

Christen turned around too. Even though Kelley wasn’t even facing her, she felt the need to hide her visible vulnerability as well.

“I know you liked to refer to it as my ‘cloud’ but it really was something that wasn’t going to go away. And it won’t go away for a very long time. I haven’t figured out how to get rid of it.” Kelley admitted. “I don’t expect you to wait around for me to learn how to.”

Christen tried to not cry, but she knew that it was useless

“I knew on paper that it was possible that other people could see that cloud, but I didn’t really realize that…I didn’t know that it was a cloud I casted over you, too. I wanted…shit, I don’t know, I wanted to figure out how to deal with it by myself, I didn’t want you to have to help me get rid of it.”

“The reason I fell in love with you was because I thought you were asking me to help you because you felt I could.” Christen said sadly. “I know you don’t ask that of anyone else.”

Silence for awhile followed.

“I didn’t know that.” Kelley said quietly. “I’m sorry I didn’t know that.”

“I just wanted to figure it out with you.” Christen admitted.

She didn’t hear a response over the phone for a long time. She turned around to see Kelley in the same spot, still turned away.

“I’m sorry.” She could hear Kelley whisper through the receiver. Christen could see Kelley wipe her face with her hand that wasn’t holding the phone.

“I promised that I would come back from my cloud, and I always eventually did, but I knew that I was also ALWAYS gonna drift away again. And you weren’t ready for that. And you didn’t deserve it. I would go back and forth and back and forth about what the right thing to do was. And I didn’t really understand. But now I do. And now I really get why we couldn’t work.”

Kelley has never said those words. The first step in dealing with this was admitting that they weren’t good for each other. She never addressed that they were unable to make it work because then it would imply the possibility that they would NEVER work, the future included. Whether it actually would remain that way in the future, she didn’t know, but the lessons from the past and the present taught her that she needed to let Kelley go. And today would be there last for a long time.

“I need help, and I’m getting it.” Kelley said before she turned back around.

Christen looked at her sadly.

“I know it’s just a little too late.” Kelley said.

“And I said that I want you to be happy and I know that means for you to have something healthy. I know that. I-I’m saying all of this- but I know that I STILL don’t want you to leave me…but I know that you DO have to go and do things for you.” She said sadly.

Kelley hung up the phone.

“I always had the intention of being what was right for you, I know it doesn’t seem that way. But I get that Im just not and that I need to let you go.”

 

++

 

Kelley knew that her phone conversation was going to make Christen sad, as it made her. Just because she finally apologized, didn’t mean that either of them were going to truly accept and process it.

O’Hara: Sammy’s gonna pick me up

When she had dropped Christen off so that she could have one more fitness debrief, she had asked, “Do you want me to give you space?”

She knew Christen was going to nod her head. Tobin was the only one that got Christen to really deal with the pain caused between the both of them, and Kelley wasn’t Tobin.

Christen: I just need a little bit of time

O’Hara: I know

She tried not to let her devastation show in her face but when she saw Sam look at her, she knew that there was no way to hide it.

“Easier said than done.” Kelley muttered when Sam had asked her how she was.

“What is?” She asked when she drove away.

“Accepting that Christen is with your friend, Tobin.”kelley said bitterly. She knew that mentioning Sam’s alliance with the other woman was a cheap shot.

For awhile the drive was silent.

“Does that mean you’re not going to accept it?” Sam asked, eventually.

“I have no fucking choice.” She admitted with defeat.

“I thought alex said that you were good. You were coming to terms with it.” Sam commented.

“Like I said. Easier said than done.”

Kelley realized they maybe she would need to go away for awhile too. She was starting to become bitter against the people that were supporting her, a phenomenon her therapist told her she should be aware of.

It was such a hurdle to actually say those words to Christen since it obviously took years. But actually doing it, actually letting her go knowing that she was going to try to really find a life with someone who seemed to be the real deal, that seemed impossible.

_But she’s happy._

_But there’s a chance that if I get better that I can make her happy._

_But you won’t know that until you get better. She might not want you later on and you have to let her be while you work on yourself. Which means letting her go…_

Kelley was already annoyed with herself today.

 

++

 

“Alex. I can’t.” Sam said with an exasperated expression. “I love her, but I can’t.”

Alex nodded solemnly. She put her keys and phone on the ground before she sat down next to her sullen best friend who had her head hung in between her legs on the porch.

“What’s up?” Alex asked.

“She’s been like this for two hours and she’s lucky that I like her because she’s being a bitch.” Sam said.

“Whatever!” Kelley yelled, her head still hidden.

Alex put her arms around Kelley and then whispered gently, “What’s wrong?”

No answer.

“Did something happen with Christen?”

“Yes.” Came a small and mousy voice.

“What?”

Kelley shook her head. She didn’t want to answer.

“You gotta let her go.” Alex said softly.

Another shake of the head.

“You’re miserable. And she’s miserable.” Alex reminded her gently.

“But I’m going to be miserable without her, too.” Kelley countered. She had a frown on her face.

“Babe. You already know all the answers I’m going to give you.” Alex said softly. She laid her head on Kelley’s shoulder while she gave Sam a sad glance.

“But I don’t want to let her go!” Kelley protested. She sounded like a bratty kid.

“UGHHHHHHHHHH.” Sam groaned. “Two hours of this!”

Alex gave her a look of warning. “You’re not helping.”

“Hey! Kelley’s gonna have to deal with it! Whether she likes it or not, it’s happening sunshine! She’s going away for awhile.” Sam said with a shrug.

Alex was surprised to see Kelley immediately furnish a tennis ball from within her hand that was hidden as it laid by her side, and pelt her friend so hard with it. Then she grabbed another one from the pile that was right next to her that Alex hadn’t even noticed.

“Okay! Stop!” Alex ordered.

But her orders were not obeyed as Sam picked up the balls and threw it back and all of a sudden it became a race to find other things to throw at each other. Alex had to duck out of the way.

“Put IT DOWN.” Alex ordered Sam, who eventually ended up with a racquet in her hand.

“DON’T.” Alex warned her. She could feel herself getting the urge to give Sam a countdown of when that racquet better be out of her hand and on the ground.

“You’re gonna hu-”

But Sam threw up the ball and served it like a pro so that it came 40 mph into Kelley’s stomach. The receiver of that ball groaned as she curled up and held her stomach.

“You two are like 12-year-olds! Stop!” Alex said. She fiercely grabbed the racquet in Sam’s hand and put it down and she took the football in Kelley’s hand that she was planning on using as a weapon.

“Well she started it!” Sam reasoned.

“Eat dick, Kerr.” Kelley managed to cough out. It looked like she was still recovering from that zinger aimed straight into her stomach.

“BOTH OF YOU STOP.” Alex ordered.

“But she was-”

“ZIP IT Kelley.” Alex commanded.

“Be helpful. Go and buy us food and pick up Nikki if you have to.” Alex said to Sam. She grabbed Sam’s keys that were laying next to hers on the asphalt.

“Yeah, pick up my food.” Kelley said with a smirk.

“I’ll spit in it.” Sammy threatened.

“Just go!” Alex yelled when it looked like Kelley was going to come up with something to say in response.

It really was like she was back at her day job as a teacher.

She watched as Sam huffed and puffed and drove away, and Alex hoped that she would actually go and pick up food for them.

“You’re being ridiculous.” Alex commented when she turned around to chastise Kelley.

“Yeah, but I w-”

“NO. STOP. You’re being petty. This is the weekend, this is my time to NOT have to discipline children. I don’t want to hear it. ”

Kelley sulked.

“I’m gonna go inside and when you’re ready to talk to me like an adult, join me.”

Kelley pouted when she watched Alex grab her stuff and then walk all the way across the street to go inside her own home

 

++

 

Alex was surprised that it only took 11 minutes. When she heard her front door chime go off to signal that Kelley had come in, she smiled at the progress. 11 minutes. That was a lot better than 11+ years.

She let Kelley climb into her bed and lay her head in Alex’s lap.

“I love her. Doesn’t that mean something?” Kelley asked.

“It means everything.” Alex said. “And if you love her, then give her everything.”

“I will give her everything.” Kelley pushed.

“Then give her time.” Alex said. “I know you don’t like that answer, but you owe her and YOU the time. And also, give her your sanity. You haven’t given her that in awhile.”

Kelley grabbed onto Alex’s knees while she listened to things she didn’t want to hear, but knew that she would have to.

“And if she decides that she wants to live without you, then you grant her that wish, too.” Alex said sadly.

“That’s how you’re going to give her everything.”

Kelley sighed. She blew the hairs that were in her face away and she collapsed.

“She’s going to leave. That’s not negotiable. You know that’s not something that’s going to change.” Alex said softly while she brushed her friend’s hair with her fingers.

“Yeah, but I don’t have to be happy about it!” Kelley protested.

“Well…” Alex clicked her tongue. “Kell, you already told her that you’d let her go and that you’d let her be happy. So you either learn how to deal with it within the next 24 hours, or you better fucking pretend that you are happy that she’s happy.”

Kelley looked like she wanted to say something, but Alex interrupted.

“Because if you don’t, YOU WILL fuck this one up.”

 

++

 

Kelley was just tying her laces when she heard the door open. Erin was supposed to be out with her friends and her parents didn’t usually get home until later in the evening from work.

She looked up to see that it had been Christen.

And Christen looked like she had been crying.

Kelley didn’t want to ask a stupid question like ‘what’s wrong?’ but she couldn’t look away from Christen’s devastation. Especially because it belonged to Kelley since she was the one that created it. She took a big gulp when it became obvious that Christen was making her way straight over to her. She looked like she was on a mission.

“Hi.” Christen said.

“Hi.” Kelley responded.

“I need to ask you something.” Christen said when she wiped all of moisture on her face. All that was left was red patches around her eyes that made it impossible to forget what devastation looked like.

“Okay.” Kelley said hesitantly.

“Wait-” Christen looked her up and down. “What’re you-are you going somewhere?”

“Oh.” Kelley looked down at the one shoe she had yet to tie. She bent down to fix that. “I was going to go on a run.”

“Oh.” Christen said. She looked like she was backing off, rethinking everything.

“Why? What’s up?” Kelley asked. She didn’t want Christen to back off, she didn’t want her to go away.

“Oh…um…nothing.” Christen said. She walked away to go upstairs.

_That was weird._

Kelley didn’t know what she was supposed to do. So was she supposed to give Christen space like everyone was telling her to? Or was she supposed to go upstairs and follow her and find out what she was going to ask her?

As Christen’s best friend, she should know what the right answer was, but it was clear that she never picked the right answer.

Kelley was going to pick giving her space. That’s what she set her mind to. Her instinct would have been to go upstairs and pester Christen until she got an answer, but obviously that was wrong, as history had shown her. As much as she wanted to spend more time with Christen, she realized that she needed to give her space.

Kelley looked around the living room for her headphones, while she tried to push thoughts of her best friend out of her mind. She poured herself another glass of water, trying not to think about what Christen might have been doing in that moment. Kelley gulped it down and then she made her way out so that she could practice giving her space.

She made sure the spare key was where it was supposed to be before she put her headphones on and started walking.

But when she got to the end of the driveway, she stopped.

_Are you fucking kidding me?_

Christen had stormed inside the house to ask her a question. SHE was the one that came to Kelley.

There was no way Kelley was going to go on that run. Whether it was the right decision or the wrong one.

She pulled her headphones back out of her ears and jogged back inside and took the stairs two at a time.

 

++

 

“What we’re you going to ask me?”

Christen was on the floor of Kelley’s bedroom with her face in her hands and clearly she had been crying.

“What?” Christen looked up. “Aren’t you going on your run?”

“No.” Kelley said when she threw her headphones on the bed and sat down right next to Christen on the floor like they did this morning.

“What were you going to ask me?” She asked gently.

“Forget it, Kell.” Christen said. She shook her head and it was like she was going to try to shake off Kelley. “Go on your run. I need to pack.”

Kelley counted to ten in her head like her therapist told her to do so when she could feel a negative emotion arising.

“Please tell me.” Kelley whispered when the ten seconds were up. “I know we’re not used to giving in and being the first one to crack, but I want to know what you were going to ask me.”

“But it’s stupid.” Christen said sadly.

“I can handle stupid. Trust me, this girl right here, can handle stupid.” Kelley said. She was glad that it got her a smile.

_I’ll always remember that smile. At least I can have that._

“Kelley, I’m leaving tomorrow in the morning.” Christen said quickly. She wasn’t even really planning on telling her best friend until the last minute, but it came out.

“But I thought you had a late flight. You said-”

“It’s at 10:30. In the morning.” Christen said.

Kelley felt her shoulders drop. She wasn’t going to get Christen. She wasn’t going to get her extra 12 hours she thought she had. She was going to lose everything.

_But at least you’ll still have that smile._

“Okay.” Kelley said.

“Are you okay with that?” Christen asked without looking at her.

“I’ll be okay with it if you ask me what you wanted to ask me.” Kelley said quietly. She kissed Christen on the shoulder. She didn’t have a choice if Christen was going to leave, but she did have a hand in what was going to happen now.

Christen sighed.

“I just wanted to know if you wanted to go out with me tonight. It’s my…it’s my last night.” Christen murmured. She looked sad.

Kelley gave her a little nudge so that she would look at her.

“You stormed in the house, wanting to know if I would go on a date with you?” She asked. Christen looked embarrassed and Kelley was smiling. He best friend was hiding her face in her hands but she nodded to confirm.

“Just for tonight. For old time’s sake.” Christen said.

Kelley slowly nodded. It seemed like this was a sign of the end if they wanted to celebrate the good time before.

She wanted to cry, but instead she just nodded. Kelley was going to give her everything, even if it meant that this, tonight, would be the end. Having Christen here in front of her was making her realize the power of Alex’s words.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.” Kelley said.

Then there was another smile Christen gave her to keep.

“Can I ask _you_ something now?” Kelley asked when she grabbed Christen’s hand.

She nodded.

“Can you-will – would you want to dress up…for me?”

Kelley watched her best friend look down at their intertwined hands for a very long time.

“Don’t I always?” Christen quietly asked.

 

++

*************

 

“Oooooo. You wear makeup, Kelley?!?” Nikki asked.

“I’m an athlete don’t you see the pounds of makeup on my face during the us games??” Kelley asked.

“Sorry. I don’t watch women’s soccer.”

“Why is she here?” Kelley looked at Sam in the reflection of the mirror. “Why are you two together?”

“I have no idea.” Sam said with a disappointed shrug.

“Well I can leave. I would rather go across the street where my skills would be more appreciated.” Nikki said with an upturned nose.

“No no no no!” The other two protested.

“I’m sorry. We are sorry. Please don’t leave us. Between the both of us, c’mon babe, without you this would be a disaster.” Sam pleaded.

“Apologize to me, Kelley.” Nikki ordered.

Kelley sighed.

“I’m sorry that Sam doesn’t have a girlfriend that can appreciate the g-“

“O’HARA PLEASE. This is YOUR date.” Sam reminded her.

“Fine.” Kelley pouted.

She apologized. And Nikki was satisfied.

 

++

 

“Are you gonna…are you just going to sit there-aren’t you here to help me pick out an outfit?” Christen asked, a little confused when she came out of the shower in Kelley’s home to see that Alex was reading a random magazine instead of scouring her closet.

“Please. Like YOU need help picking an outfit. I picked you because I knew it was going to require zero work on my end.” Alex said with a chuckle.

“I wouldn’t have enough time to fix whatever Kelley’s got going on at my house. There aren’t enough hours in the day.”

Christen chuckled.

“Soooo….” Alex looked up from her magazine Christen searches for an outfit.

“So?”

“What does Tobin say about all of this?” Alex asked.

“What do you mean?” Christen asked.

“Does she know that you’re going on a date with Kelley?” Alex asked curiously.

“Well…she knows I’m hanging out with her. She knows what Kelley and I did the other night. And…she knows that she’s getting on the plane with me tomorrow.” Christen said quietly.

“What else do you want to know?” Christen added.

“If she’s getting on the plane with you tomorrow, what’s the reason for tonight?” Alex asked with a shrug. It was a simple question that everyone was asking. Everyone but Kelley and Christen. 

“To spend my last night with Kelley.” The woman answered.

“Last night for what?”

Christen knew what Alex was asking and she knew that everyone was asking this as well. But she didn’t want to ask herself that. She didn’t want to think about it. Christen just wanted to concentrate on tonight and what it could bring. Not about what it would be ending and what it would begin. Just what it could be.

Christen pivoted.

“You seemed rather annoyed by Kelley when I got home today. Why is that?” She asked.

“Those two are in time out for the shit they pulled earlier today.” Alex muttered when she turned the page to find a cosmo quiz. She knew that her question was going to go unanswered.

“What did they pull?”

“Girl.”

Alex put her magazine down.

 

++

 

“Yes, yes. But this one goes with her eyes!” Nikki said when she held the hanger up in Kelley’s face so that it could draped over her torso.

“Yeah But Kelley’s eyes aren’t her strong suit.” Sam countered.

“Hey!” Kelley whined.

“She should wear this because it shows her arms. That’s Kelley’s thing.” Sam reasoned.

“True.” Kelley said before she opened up her messages.

O’Hara: at this rate, I’m going to show up in a T-shirt and jeans. The couple is fighting.

Christen: just show up. Okay?

Kelley would always show up.

Christen: that’s all that matters

“Can you two stop? We got 30 minutes left.” Kelley said.

“I like this one because it’s green AND it shows my arms. And I wanna wear those black jeans. Sam pick my shoes out and Nikki, please please, straighten my hair. That’s it, guys.”

 

++

 

Christen knocked on the door of Kelley’s home. It gave her a little laugh that she was walking up to a date’s door to pick them up. She’s actually never done that before.

“Oh. Well you look beautiful.”

“Thanks Dan.” She said with a smile.”Um…is Kelley ready?”

The man chuckled. “Let me see if I can go fetch her.”

It seemed like everyone in the house was hiding in their own corners, probably to give Kelley some space. Christen knew that everyone thought this was a big deal, a first date of some sorts, and she was starting to feel the jitters. She didn’t really feel it before now. But the house was quiet, like everyone was holding their breath.

“Hey.”

Christen turned around to see Kelley’s head pop out from behind the kitchen doorway.

“Hey.” Christen said with a big smile. “What’re you doing hiding over there?”

“I want to ask you a question.” Kelley whispered.

“What is it?” Christen whispered back.

Kelley stepped forward so that she was standing in the doorway, with a look that signaled that she was deep in thought.

“Don’t get mad. Okay?” Kelley begged.

“About what?” Christen asked. Her heels clicked across the tile when she made her way over to her best friend who looked like she was very nervous.

“I um…” Kelley took a nervous gulp. Christen parked herself right in front of the woman who was looking down at the ground.

“Can I ask you a big favor?” Kelley muttered.

“You want me to convince your mom I’m your girlfriend? Sure as long as you know that you owe me big, TWO times.” Christen joked.

It earned her a chuckle from her best friend.

“I know I’m gonna have to let you go, but can I pretend that we’re together one more time? One more night?” Kelley asked without looking at her. Her eyes were still looking down at their feet.

“If not, I understand.” Kelley added with a nod to her head.

Christen grabbed her hand.

“It’s why I asked you out on a date tonight.” She whispered into Kelley’s ear.

She could see Kelley’s body relax a little. She felt Kelley’s hands loop around her back to bring her in and she heard Kelley thank her.

“Since it’s a date, I bought you those ever there.” Christen learned so that she could peak into the kitchen and saw a vase with a handful of lilies.

“You know it only took me fifteen minutes to get ready once we figured it out.” Kelley said when the both of them went to go look at the beautiful flowers.

“My mom was showing me how to cut them because you know I don’t know how to do that. Figured we’d do it for you already since this is where you’re staying for the night.” Kelley said while she looked at them proudly.

But Christen didn’t look at them for very long. She was mostly looking at Kelley who looked very happy with her work. Christen latched into Kelley and she didn’t let go of her for a very long time.

It must have been five minutes of the both of them standing there, Christen holding onto her, but she wanted it to be forever. And she couldn’t shake the feeling that it felt like only five seconds before Kelley wordlessly led them out of the house.

 

++

 

It was Christen that had called for this date but they both knew that they weren’t going to try a new restaurant or go to the movies or play putt putt like other dates they’ve been on.

They’ve been through the first dates, the ‘First date in awhile’ dates, dates as an actual couple, and dates as friends but which were really dates. They’ve been through it all.

So the ‘last date’ date felt like something familiar. Christen held onto Kelley’s arm all the way across the console of Erin’s truck and shifted her body to be the closes she could be, and Kelley rested her free had on Christen’s knee.

It was Kelley’s turn to drive now that both ankles were in commission, and even though it was Christen that had called for this date, it was Kelley that was in the drivers seat of tonight both literally and metaphorically.

“I know you dressed up, but I wanted to take you to the spot I took you the first time you came home with me.” Kelley said on the way to their destination.

“I didn’t dress up for the location, I dressed up for you.” Her best friend said when she laid her head down on her shoulder.

Kelley wished that she hadn’t wasted so much time in the past not trying to experience this feeling with Christen’s head on her shoulder on a drive. But she also figured that she shouldn’t spent time tonight lamenting that either.

“Good. Well I brought my jacket and a couple of blankets. So I think your legs will be covered.” Kelley said when she turned around to look into the cab of her sisters vehicle that she had asked to borrow.

The ride was kind of quiet, but they both supposed that it was going to be. There wasn’t much to be said in small talk when they were both going somewhere familiar for the last time. Kelley was trying to remind herself to make all that she could have of tonight, and Christen was making sure that she wouldn’t let her best friend go until she would have to get on that plane.

Georgia had a cool outdoor movie set up that cost 8$ a car, and there were food trucks in a clearing where people would congregate to get there food and take it back to their cars. Kelley had taken Christen here one time because it seemed like a cheesy idea that she’s always been interested in and it was one of their greatest nights because they spent the whole time talking and drinking smirnoffs underneath the blanket they had so they wouldn’t get caught. It was on this date that Kelley mentioned that she loved Christen for the first time, and it was the date Christen had decided that she wanted to marry Kelley someday.

They couldn’t even recall what movie was playing but they both remembered that THAT date meant something in the timeline of their relationship. So Kelley thought ‘why not’ when Christen had mentioned a date.  

“This place hadn’t changed.” Christen said when they were lining up the truck to get a good spot.

“You go get the food. I’ll set up.” Christen said when she shooed Kelley away.

“You sure? You don’t want to look at what they got?” Kelley asked.

“I’m sure. Go. I’ll lay everything out in the bed.” Christen said.

Apparently Kelley was smarter this time. Instead of laying out the blankets on the lining of the bed of the truck, Kelley had thrown the two lawn chairs that her and her dad were using on Thanksgiving in the bed, and she had brought a small cooler with their own drinks. Christen was actually impressed that time had taught them how to be smarter.

She folded out the big chair and she left the other one down on the ground by the wheel. She opened a beer and put it in the cup holder of the chair and then she grabbed Kelley’s jacket and she wrapped her self in it before she clutched the blankets and she sat down and looked up to see the huge projector out here in the woods playing some trailers.

Christen sighed. She didn’t know if she appreciated that Kelley brought them to a really special location for their last date, or just sad. She watched the distant figure of Kelley standing by the window of the food truck talking to the guy and ordering something.

_Why didn’t I marry you?_

She watched her best friend talk to some guy at what looked like a condiments table, and Christen tried to think about at what point it went wrong between the both of them.

_I loved you. With all that I had._

When she saw Kelley squirt a ridiculous amount of ketchup into a paper boat, Christen could already tell what Kelley had gotten her to eat.

It was already really dark outside but the lights from the trucks made it possible for Christen to see the familiar figure of the one that got away walking towards her.

“Hey! You didn’t set my chair up.”

Christen chuckled.

“Yes I did. I’m sitting in it.” Christen said.

“Well join me down here so that we have a table.” Kelley said. She let down the gate of the truck and placed their food on it. She opted to stand, while Christen sat next to the food and her feet dangled and swung side to side.

“I haven’t had one of these in a long time.” Christen said when she picked up the vegan hot dog that looked exactly like the one she had ordered years ago on the first time they came here.

“Yeah, but that one’s mine.” Kelley said when she grabbed the paper boat that was carrying the healthier looking food from Christen’s hand.

“This one is yours.” She handed the hot dog made of normal ‘beef’ and was smothered in ketchup and mustard and relish.

Christen looked a little scandalized that Kelley was taking the healthier option away from her.

“Why are YOU eating a vegan hot dog??” Christen asked in surprise.

“I eat them now.” Kelley said with a shrug before she took a big bite.

Her best friend was looking at her, pleasantly surprised.

“Since when??”

“Since you.” Kelley said with a chuckle. “You didn’t know that?”

Christen shook her head. She then took a bite of her own.

“Well…things have changed.” She said with her mouth full of hot dog.

Kelley looked like she wanted to say something, but then closed her mouth.

_I told you that I would get better for you._

“I haven’t seen you eaten a vegan hot dog. Or anything vegan.” Christen noted.

“That’s because you and I don’t eat hot dogs together anymore.” Kelley said before she took another huge bite.

Her words seemed to make her best friend really think hard about something. Christen realized that her friend’s statement was true. They never do. She figured that it was just a small detail that no one would expect her to really pick up on.

“Why is that?” She asked curiously.

Kelley shrugged.

“It hurts too much.” She said through her mouth full of food. Kelley excused herself to go grab the both of them napkins.

Christen didn’t feel like taking another bite. How did Kelley’s words always get to her? How did something she said about hot dogs strike something really hard in her as she sat here on some truck in some woods in Georgia?

 It hurts too much.

Then why did Kelley want to bring them back to somewhere that was probably going to hurt too much? Why did she order them food that reminded them of a time that hurt too much?

“Do you not like it? Here, I can get something-“

“No. Stay with me.” Christen said softly. She grabbed the napkins that Kelley had come back with and she pulled Kelley closer to her so that her best friend was standing on the edge of the truck gate in front of her.

“Can I have some of yours?” She asked.

Kelley smiled.

“Of course.”

So they took turns taking bites out of Kelley’s meal while the trailers and commercials were playing. Every time it was Christen’s turn, she made sure that Kelley’s hands were on the sides of her legs, holding her possessively.

“Does this hurt too much?” Christen asked when Kelley had let her taken the last bite and she had crumbled the paper container. She was referring to this moment, to this date. She looked at Kelley.

“Hey. I didn’t mean to ruin anything. I’m sorry.” Kelley said gently. She placed her hands on Christen’s knees.

“What do you mean by it hurts too much?” Christen asked quietly.

“I want this to be a good date. I don’t want-“

“I just want you to talk to me.” Christen interrupted. She was looking down at Kelley’s hands on her knees. “I want you to show up and tell me things that you didn’t tell me.”

Her best friend took awhile to respond. She looked a little scared, like she wasn’t ready to be out on the spot so quickly into the date.

“I just meant that there’s somethings we don’t do anymore because they were things we did when we were together. And we aren’t together anymore.” Kelley said simply. “For example, eat hot dogs together.”

“Then why are we doing that together now?” Christen demanded.

“Because were supposed to be together tonight. One last time.” Kelley said, looking straight at her.

“And there’s no one else I want to do these things with.”

 

++

 

They were both small enough that they could fit into the reclining lawn chair thy had set up in the bed of the truck.

They Kelley sat on the left side, while Christen sat on the right, but her whole body turned into Kelley and her head laying down on her chest. It was like how they sat on Thanksgiving.

Christen had Kelley’s jacket over her shoulders and her legs were intertwined with Kelley’s, the both of them sitting there with the blankets covering the both of them while the movie played.

“Why did you get married?” Kelley asked. She had been mindlessly stroking the curls of Christen’s hair when she got the sudden urge to ask. She felt her best friend grab onto the hand of hers and give it a squeeze.

“You didn’t want me.” Her best friend said quietly. Christen’s eyes were still on the movie that was being projected.

Kelley felt her eyes brow raise in disbelief.

“History is playing a trick on you. I wanted you. I’ve always wanted you.” Kelley commented.

“It was when you broke up with me.” Christen said. This time she looked up at Kelley.

“Explain.” Kelley said with narrowed eyes.

“You told me that me loving you wasn’t enough.” She said. “It was when we got into that fight in that hotel.”

“But I didn’t say that.” Kelley said, her eyes still narrowed in suspicion.

“Yes you did.” Christen replied softly.

“I said that I wasn’t enough for you and I never had been. AND THEN I said your words weren’t enough because your actions had just confirmed what I thought of me not being enough.” Kelley said

“Well it felt like you wanted me out of your life.” Christen muttered.

“You said that you were going to move on with XXXX. And you never said that before that you were going to move on from me.” She added.

“But you got engaged before that.” Kelley stared.

“Yeah well she asked.” Christen said honestly. Maybe it wasn’t a good enough reason but at the time that was the difference between XXXXX and Kelley.

“B-b-But you told me that you weren’t in love with her that one night you were in Atlanta.” Kelley pushed back.

“Well I wasn’t.” Christen said bitterly. “But I thought you made it clear that things were over between us.”

Kelley felt like ripping her skin off. She didn’t understand how Christen could come to those conclusions, especially since they were the total opposite of her own.

But what could she do now? Was she going to argue about the validity of Christen’s feelings and assumptions? She honestly felt like she could, but this was their last night.

“I wanted to marry you.” She said instead.

Kelley could feel the stiffness in Christen’s body and they both sat there silently for a long time. It was the truth. She wanted to be the one that Christen was going to settle down and have kids with, eventually. Kelley wanted to be the one that Christen WANTED. She wanted to get better for Christen. She wanted Christen to make her feel like she was enough.

_Maybe that’s too much to ask of you._

They could have said more on the subject, but Kelley figured that there wasn’t more to be said. They thought what they thought in those moments back then. And on their last night, she just wanted to revisit it with some truth.

 

++

 

“Why did you walk out on me that one day? When we were in Atlanta?” Christen asked.

“You mean when you told me that you were still with XXXX?” Kelley asked.

“Didn’t you want to still have something with me? You keep saying that you wanted to be with me. And I told you that I still wanted something with you.” Christen explained.

“You only wanted to be in bed with me.” Kelley said quietly. She could feel Christen shifting in the seat.

“That was something! I’d rather have something with you then nothing. Ke-C’mon there was no way that you and I were going to have a functioning relationship when a big chunk out of the year we weren’t in the same city.” Christen said.

“You and I have never had a functioning relationship. Not a consistent one.” Kelley said.

The two of them just sat in the seat while they tried to not let the bitter words get to each other. The movie was still playing, and Kelley was still holding onto her tightly, and it was still a date, but there was a pause in any pleasantness. 

“I don’t want to just have sex with you, Christen.” Kelley sighed. “You seriously made me me feel- I…I loved you. And to hear that you didn’t view me the same way made me feel…violated. I felt used.”

She could feel Christen’s fingers fidgeting with the hem of her shirt while she process her words.

“I didn’t know you felt that way.” She whispered.

Kelley sighed again. There were a lot of things they didn’t want know.

“I’ve never known that.” Christen said with defeat.

 

++

 

It was when Christen had pulled away from Kelley’s lips at the sound of some kids running by their car to get some more food, when they started laughing. It was the first time they’ve laughed on this date.

Kelley sadly took her hand away from underneath her best friends dress (which was still underneath the blanket) when Christen motioned towards the kids.

“Okay. Okay.” She relented, but she gave an understanding smile. They both didn’t know what movie had been playing but it must’ve been a PG-13 rating movie.

It looked like Christen was equally as reluctant to stop doing it too.

“Why did you show up?” Kelley asked.

“What do you mean? To our date?”

“No.” She shook her head. “I mean here. When I asked you if you’d help me out with my mom and my ankle. Why did you show up? You fought me hard on it.” Kelley said with a chuckle.

“Oh.” Christen stuck  her head back into Kelley’s chest before she answered.

“Well I still hate lying to your mom. But I know how much she means to you. And I…I didn’t want to imagine you convincing your mom that you were with someone else. If it wasn’t going to be Ann, I didn’t want you to find someone else.” Christen responded.

“I wasn’t going to bring someone else.” Kelley said quietly.

“Why not?”

Kelley thought about it. Who else would she have had as an option? Plus she had told her mom that it was Christen and only Christen.

“I couldn’t imagine anyone else.” Kelley said.

“I don’t want to imagine it’d be anyone else.” Christen admitted.

 

++

 

“What have you learned with your therapist?” Christen asked curiously when Kelley bent over to open up another beer from the cooler by the chair. She handed Christen one, too.

“I learned that I have issues-duh. But that they can be dealt with. I never really believed that.” Kelley said before she took a big gulp.

“How you going to go about doing that?”

“No idea.” Kelley said with a charming smile. Christen copied her.

“But the difference is that I think that I CAN do something about it.” She offered with a shrug, hoping that it was alright that she didn’t have the answers but that she would be looking for them.

“That’s kinda what that week back then with Alex did to me…sorta made me feel like it was impossible to change me…change the inevitable-ness of it all. Like I thought wow I’m stuck with me.”

Christen made sure to gulp down the rest of her can before she said, “you’re always different when you come back from spending time with Alex.”

She wanted to shy away from the arm that was tightening its hold on Christen, but she remembered that tonight was the last, and that she had nothing else to lose after it. So she stayed.

“I was the way I was because…” Kelley thought over her words carefully.

“She kinda reminded me that I had something to deal with. But see- I didn’t know what it was! She just said that she hoped I wouldn’t fuck things up and I don’t know…looking at her…I realized that I was going to fuck it up. I couldn’t be with her because I had issues and yeah I remembered that. And I knew they were deep so I knew that you weren’t going to be ready for that.” Kelley explained.

“I wasn’t ready for you pushing me away.” Christen said quietly. She crushed the Can in her hand and chucked it aside.

“I don’t know what else to do.” Kelley admitted. “I don’t know how to-“

She didn’t know how to deal. The ‘you weren’t going to be ready’ also meant ‘I wasn’t ready.’

 

++

 

“Did I make you happy?” Kelley whispered.

It seemed like Christen may have been close to falling asleep because she hadn’t moved once in her cuddled up position to Kelley in the past 15 minutes, so she made sure that her voice was low enough as to not wake her if she was in fact asleep.

But she felt Christen bury her nose into her shirt and hold her tighter.

Through a muffled voice she said, “You’ve made me the happiest I have ever been in my life.”

Kelley knew that Christen could probably hear the way her heart beat really quick at that statement.

“I also hurt you though too. Right? How bad?” She didn’t want to know but she figured that she had to do if she were to ever be something that could heal Christen, or be strong enough to let her go.

“You’ve been responsible for the saddest I have ever been.”

 

++

 

“Did I make you happy?” Christen asked.

Her best friend didn’t have a response to her last words and she knew that it must have stung, but this has been the most honest they’ve ever been with each other.

“You want my honest answer?” Kelley asked.

Christen nodded.

“Yes.”

 

++

 

“What is it about Tobin? Why do you like her? Why is she different?” Kelley asked. She made sure to keep her bitterness in check.

“I can talk to her. It’s free and it’s flowing and she’s honest and understanding of…me I guess. I guess it’s kinda like…my therapy. Since I’ve been with her I feel like I can deal with it.”

“Deal with what exactly?”

“Us.” She said softly.

Kelley couldn’t hide the way her shoulders dropped at that statement. She knew that she had to be okay with Tobin and and Christen and she knew that even if she’s wasn’t that she would have to pretend.

But it was still hard to do, and she knew that she wasn’t going to be perfect at it like she had promised Christen she would be.

“Well- Do you love Alex?” Christen asked as a retort. It was a panicked response to Kelley’s disappointment.

“I do.” Kelley said sadly.

“But not in the way I love you.”

 

++

 

Christen didn’t feel the pain in her chest go away when the movie had ended and when the credits were rolling. She still felt it when she helped Kelley fold the blankets and dump the ice out of the chest. It wouldn’t leave her body when she heard the silence from within the cab of the trunk and then the following sound of the engine when Kelley started the car.

“What didn’t I do enough?” Christen asked when her best friend had put her hand on the gear shift to start driving them back to her house.

“What are you talking about?”

Christen turned the key so that the engine shut off.

“What didn’t I do to make us stay together?” She demanded of the woman across from her.

“Did I not say I love you enough when we were together? Is that why you felt like you had to do it alone?”

“I don’t know. I don’t think so.” Kelley said thoughtfully.

“Fine. So what do I do now?? What am I supposed to do so that you get better??” Christen couldn’t help her guilt again from not putting two and two together when it came to Kelley’s mental health.

“I…I don’t know Chris. I guess you play in Sweden and I…I figure it all out. You don’t have to do anything.” She said softly.

“You’re telling me that I still can’t do anything??”

“No.” Kelley said gently. “It’s not what I’m- im just saying that you don’t have to. It’s not your job for me to get better. It’s my job.”

“Well then there it is again! You pushing me away so that you can deal with it.” Christen said miserably.

“I’m not trying to.” Kelley said sincerely.

“Kelley. I don’t want you to do this without me again.” Christen said with frustration.

“But maybe you should. And this time…it’s better because we both know why it’s happening this time.” Kelley hated the words that were coming out of her mouth.

“I hate that Tobin is giving you something I can’t. And I hate that you’re going to play in another country.” She admitted.

“But…” Kelley shrugged. She meant this with all her her heart, but she knew that she was going to hate that she said it, “I thought I was putting you first when I would protect you from me so that I could figure out the craziness. And…I wasn’t. I was just hurting you.

“But this time I really do want to put you first. And I want to tell you that I…I’m gonna rip in two when you leave…j-just because it’s easy to say doesn’t mean I’m gonna be an expert at letting you go anytime soon. But…it’s your turn to try to figure out what you need. And do it for you. Without me.”

Alex probably would have wanted to yell at her for just revealing that to Christen but it was just Kelley and Christen and the truth was hard to stop when it was coming out.

“Is this how it’s gonna be?” Christen asked with defeat. “The only way we can get better is without each other?

Kelley grabbed her hand. And for once during a fight, Her best friend didn’t retract her hand.

“I will be here when you get back. Whether you’re Tobin’s girl or not. I’ll be here.” She reassured her. “I’m just telling you that it’s okay. It’s okay that you need to go.”

Her best friend looked close to tears. This wasn’t the ideal ‘last night’ date for either of them because it seemed like they were both going to end up unhappy at the end, and the whole point of tonight was to not be.

 

++

 

“Why’d you tell me I wasn’t enough?”

Kelley had pulled Christen back by the hand so that they wouldn’t go back in just yet.

“What are you talking about?” Christen asked. From her recollection she had always thought she wasn’t enough for Kelley. Especially when it came to being enough to be the one to save her best friend.

“When we were in Carson for that game and you left. It was when you told me not to be friends with XXXX. I asked you why I wasn’t enough. You just said I wasn’t. No reason. Just that I wasn’t enough.” Kelley explained.

“Well I lied. You were more than enough.” Christen said.

“Then why’d you say it?”

They were standing on her driveway and it was quiet. All the people on the street were asleep and in their homes except Alex who’s car was gone. Kelley was standing here with the woman she thought was the love of her life, asking her all the questions that she never could ask of the woman across from her before.

It was funny that she was asking this question here, because just 20 yards away in Alex’s driveway was where Kelley had the inability to ask any of the important questions of her childhood best friend back in the day.

Even if it was too late to salvage anything, she was glad that she could rest easy to know that at some point she would learn to get it right. There was progress from when Kelley was a teenager to now.

“I…I don’t know.” Christen admitted sadly.

“My love wasn’t enough to overcome how much I hurt you.” Kelley said quietly. “Is that what you meant?”

“I…I don’t know.”

_It could have meant that._

“Do you think that you can go to Sweden and spend some time away and find out if that’s why?” Kelley asked when she pulled her best friend closer to her. Her eyes were begging for her best friend to say yes.

_Please say yes. Please let your time away heal me too if you go._

“How will I know the answer to that if I come back and you’re different? If your love for me is different?” Christen asked. “Am I supposed to find out if the old you was enough even though you’re trying to be new?”

Kelley thought that it was a great question. A very good one. One that was very inquisitive of the potential of the vast spectrum of who Kelley was and who she could be. It was a question that made Kelley realize that maybe Christen could have handled the way Kelley approached her own mind and her own sorrows.

It was an ironic thought to have tonight.

“Well…I guess I don’t know.” Kelley said with a chuckle.

Christen gave her a sad smile before she led them inside the house to end their last date.

 

++

 

“Don’t tell me goodnight.” Christen said softly when she led Kelley into her bedroom to signal that she wasn’t going to sleep in the guest room tonight.

“Christen…I know that you’re with someone else…” Kelley said nervously. It was different to have Christen taking her dress off here in her childhood bedroom, then for them to fool around like teenagers on a date.

Christen meant something to her. though they slept together the other night, it was going to make tomorrow harder for her to say goodnight if they did it again tonight.

“We are together. For tonight. Remember?” Christen asked. But she wasn’t looking for her to answer. She said it to remind her because she was halfway through having it all off.

Christen laid on the bed with her dress open and ready to be taken off, but she waited for Kelley. She didn’t and couldn’t force it this time. Kelley had to be willing and ready.

She felt her heart beat quicken when she watched Kelley take off her shirt and then she climbed onto the bed so that she was on her knees at the foot of the bed just looking at Christen.

Kelley slowly leaned down to grab the dress so that she could pull it over her head but she stopped.

“Are you okay?” Christen asked. She gulped. It was possible that tonight was not going to be all that they wanted.

Her friend looked like she wasn’t able to speak. And Christen was feeling increasingly insecure.

“Kelley we don’t have to if you don’t want to. We can just sleep.” Christen said. She could feel her earrings hit the bottom of her jaw and as she clenched it in anticipation of what the woman of across would do to seal the fate of tonight.

Kelley slowly scooted closer so that Christen’s hamstrings were up against Kelley’s thighs as her legs were pushed up and her body was hovering over Christen looking at her.

“What is it?” Christen asked quietly.

Kelley sighed.

“You’ve said so much to me tonight. Please don’t stop.” Christen urged.

“I…I know you’re mine tonight. But I just…I don’t want you to be thinking about Tobin tonight. I know that’s impossible b-“

“Tomorrow might be different. But all I’m thinking about right now is you taking this dress off. Please.” Christen begged.

They Kelley reminded Christen that her family was still in the house when things got too loud, while she tried to forget that tonight was gonna end in a few hours.

And Christen reminded Kelley that she still meant the world to her, while she tried to forget that she wasn’t the one that was going to be responsible for Kelley becoming better, not the person that was gonna be by her side when she figured how to be.

 

++

 

“Don’t.”

She could feel that feeling of Christen leaving her all over again like it was the first time.

Kelley watched with the heartbreak spreading all throughout her body. The sound of the zipper of Christen’s luggage closing it made her want to cry.

“Please stay for a little bit more.” She quietly begged when she scooted to the edge of the bed and she grabbed a T-shirt off the floor to cover her body.

“I want to.” Christen said painfully. She paused to regain her composure and then continued to pack everything up.

“I can tell you I love you more. I can tell you everyday if you stay.” Kelley offers desperately.

Kelley helplessly watched as Christen quickly brought all her supplies from the bathroom to put into her other suitcase.

“Wait. Can you wait for a second?” Kelley asked. She wasn’t asking for just a second and her best friend knew that.

They both knew this moment was going to be harder than they imagined. Christen could understand that Kelley’s level headedness about all of this would shake at the sight of her suitcases being propped and ready to roll out. And she couldn’t blame her. She tried to avoid Kelley stare all together.

When she looked at her watch, she could see Kelley her up off the bed so that she could sit on top of her suitcase.

“You said that you understood.” She reminded her best friend.

“Fine! I can let you go! Just tell me you’ll come back to me.” Kelley said desperately.

“I know I said all of that last night-I -I- meant it- I will let you go. Just tell me you’ll come back to me!”

Christen knew it was going to be this hard. And she knew that Kelley would be this hard about it when the time came, but she also knew that it was because of panic. It wasn’t how Kelley really wanted to leave with.

“I’ll wait. Christen, I’ll wait for you.” Kelley reassured.

Christen grabbed the handle of the suitcase that Kelley wasn’t on.

“Don’t wait for me. Just get better. For you.” She said quietly. “That’s what you told me you would do. So keep that promise.”

Kelley’s head fell.

The end was in sight.

“I really tried Christen. I didn’t do it right, but I tried.” She said sadly.

“So did I.”

Kelley eventually got off of Christen’s suitcase while her best friend gathered all of her bags and her suitcases and started bringing them down to her car.

She didn’t expect Kelley to help her, and she was glad that she could get a breather from all the heartbreak in that house when she did the task alone.

When all of the bags were in her car she turned around and at the sight of Kelley’s house that the majority of the people were still asleep in, she thought for a second that she shouldn’t say goodbye to Kelley.

If she didn’t say goodbye, then it wouldn’t be a real goodbye like it felt like it was going to be.

But she couldn’t do that.

She found Kelley sitting on the bed with her back on the bed with her head in her hands.

Christen loved her so much. She really did. Tobin wouldn’t be able to make Christen feel the sadness of losing something that began her life like Kelley could.

She put the keys in her back pocket and she crossed the room before she slowly kneeled down in front of this woman she was still in love with.

Christen pried Kelley’s away from her face. She didn’t want to register the sadness.

“Can you do me a favor?” Christen asked her.

Kelley let a fresh set of tears fall before she wiped them away.

“You owe me two, remember?” Christen said softly.

Kelley eventually nodded.

“You will?” She clarified.

The woman took a deep breath. She looked Christen square on.

“What is it?” She asked sadly.

“Can you pretend for me? Can you pretend like you can handle me leaving? For me?” She asked Kelley desperately. Christen wouldn’t have been able to deal with her life if Kelley really couldn’t. Not after all of the truths they had given each other last night.

It was a favor that Kelley had to fulfill if either were to go on.

“I love you. But can you please pretend for me?”

Kelley eventually nodded. Christen knew that she nodded to fulfill her favor.

“I can handle it this time.” Kelley said quietly. Christen knew that she didn’t mean it, but she loved her for it saying it.

 

++

 

Karen thought it was weird to not see Christen’s car in the driveway in the morning, but it all made sense when Erin texted her:

Erin: C left. Kell is a mess.

Erin: can you come home early?

Mom: that bad?

Erin: yes

Erin: she keeps saying alex is gonna be mad at her too

Erin: just come home

Karen managed to get off past noon, but apparently that was too late for her eldest daughters liking.

When she arrived at her her own home, she could see Alex holding her little girl on their porch. She looked so broken and small. Alex raised her head at the sight of the tires on the pavement, while Kelley’s stayed down.

Karen rolled down her window when Alex came over to greet her.

“She just wants you.” Alex said.

“Me?” Karen clarified.

“I don’t know if you heard but Christen left.” Alex said.

The older woman nodded.

“I think she wants her mom right now.”

Karen nodded. She thanked alex before she unbuckled her seatbelt and got out of her car, never taking her eyes off her small child.

Kelley rarely showed herself when she cried.

“Are you okay?” She asked. She sat down next to her kid and watched her body shake with silent sobs while she hid her face in between her legs.

“I’m sorry about Christen.”

The sobs become audible.

“C’mon kell.” Karen said when she put her hand down on her back and rubbed it to soothe.

But she was flabbergasted when her middle child immediately sought for comfort when she put her head in Karen’s lap and held on tightly to her mother like a baby.

“She’ll come back.” Karen said softly into her ear while she brushed her hair back.

But Kelley shook her head furiously to refute it when she sat back up and revealed a red face with tears on display. She then burrowed into her mom’s shoulder and held on tightly to her for safety.

Karen realized that Kelley’s world must have really been ending if she needed affection like this right now.

“What do you need Kelley?” She asked while she rubbed her little girls back while she cried.

She felt Kelley wipe her eyes on the cloth of her shirt.

“I need you to tell me you love me more.” She heard her daughter say through her sobs before she gripped tighter and she didn’t let go.

 

 

 

 

 


	15. Anxiety

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Honestly, this is the best i could come up with. I am so busy and the creativity isn't flowing guys :(

 

“No. Just keep going.”

Kelley internally groaned. It’d been close to 20 minutes and she didn’t even remember this girl’s name. And her jaw was getting very tired.

She made sure that she was just rolling her eyes in her mind and not actually doing that while she tried to finish this performance that she was hoping she wouldn’t remember because she was definitely not going to claim this one.

Kelley knew that the girl had faked it, and she was as thankful as she could be to a stranger who now that she was sobering up, was definitely not her type. When she stood up and wiped her mouth, her mind raced to figure out what has happened to her life for it all to lead up to this.

Kelley was awkwardly standing over this night stand who probably thought she was a weirdo. But Kelley didn’t know what to say or how to rectify this situation, so she just stood there, rooted to her spot.

_Why am I doing this?_

“So um…yeah it was…”

They finally looked at each other and their eyes met.

“Yeah.” Was all Kelley said. She didn’t look at the woman when she got up and grabbed her shoes. She didn’t hear the clack of her heels on the brand new wooden floor of hers, so the woman must have really  been desperate to escape from Kelley and her sadness and bolted out of there without putting them on.

_Good. Go. Save yourself._

She figured that she shouldn’t be surprised as to how she got here. Being a disappointment was clearly a character Kelley was meant to play.

She would never admit to this but she felt so useless and so disgusted with herself in the realization of what she had just done, that she didn’t have the strength to pick up her feet to take her to her bathroom so that she could clean off all of the regret.

Kelley just didn’t have that strength.

Her upper body slumped down onto the mattress that she had just bought and she groaned when she just realized that she had christened it with a one night stand that she hoped she would never see again.

Kelley groaned.

She felt around the sheets for her phone.

Kelley: I need to buy a new mattress.

Alex: you just bought that one

Kelley: I know

Alex: Why

Alex: ew…did you…

Kelley: don’t judge me.

 

++

 

“How was your date last night?”

“Are you just asking me so that you don’t have to talk about what you were up to last night?” Alex asked.

Kelley rolled her eyes. She stuck her hands into the kangaroo pocket of her hoodie and sulked. Last night wasn’t something she wanted to relive.

Really. She didn’t want to think about the last four months, but the pressing issue of getting a new mattress was hard to repress the memory.

“Why was it so bad?” Alex asked when she turned onto the freeway.

Kelley grumbled even more. Alex liked to ask questions and power through all the social cues Kelley was not so subtlety dropping for Alex to stop asking her things. She knew why her best friend did these things but she didn’t want to be reminded of her inadequacies.

“Why?” Alex asked again when she nudged Kelley in the arm. She kept nudging her until Kelley caved.

“Because I was bad.” Kelley said with a pout.

“Ooo. Like you were a bad girl and-“

“No. Like it took me an hour and she faked it so that we would both be put out of our misery.”

“Oh…”

They could just hear the tires of the car as they both created the silence that Alex could give her as Kelley put the hood  over her head and sunk down even lower into her seat.

“Well…that usually happens when you’re not even into her.” Alex said with a shrug. Kelley could hear the high octave in her friends voice that was just clueing her in on Alex’s pity.

“Right? I mean with how many girls you’ve-“

“Just shut it.” Kelley mumbled. She gave her best friend a little smirk.

Her best friend just smiled at her and they finished the ride to the mattress store with Alex holding onto Kelley’s hand.

 

**

 

“Where did you sleep last night?”

“In my room…” Kelley said with a raised eyebrow. She turned to see her sister taking a look into Kelley’s bedroom.

“Really?”

Kelley nodded her head exasperatedly. She was so done with moving and the amount of energy and time she had dedicated to moving all of her things into a place that wasn’t even halfway done with the renovation. She was starting to really consider just abandoning the color scheme that Alex and her had actually agreed on for the condo. The thought of all the painting and then taping and then the cleanup… she was starting to think that white walls were sufficient.

“Well then why is there a mattress that’s still covered in plastic, standing up by your door?” Erin asked when she came over to help her sister empty the grocery bags that were on the island.

“Oh. Yeah. I bought a new one today.” Kelley said as she waved the question off and put the milk on the shelves of her new fridge.

“Why?”

“Oh. I had to get rid of the other one since-” Kelley chose not to finish that sentence. Erin didn’t really seem to notice anyway because she continued to put food in the pantry.

Kelley really didn’t want to have another ‘talking-to’ when it came to her decisions lately.

“You said you were going to take me on your workout.” Erin reminded her.

Kelley sighed again.

_Oh yeah._

“You forgot?”

“No! No I-didn’t…” The little sister closed the fridge door and then finally turned to look at the woman.

“Yes. I did.”

Erin didn’t look too sad. She just gave a small and unconvincing nod that Kelley could tell was meant to genuinely mask the disappointment.

Since the move, she hadn’t been making the time to spend with her sister. Kelley knew that she should stay connected because of the relationship they had formed over the summer, but the list of things to do was getting longer and longer, and the due dates of all of them were all jumbled in Kelleys mind.

“Erin, I’m sorry-”

“It’s cool.” Erin said with a wave to her hand. “Did you at least get mom something for her birthday this weekend?”

Kelley wanted to die. Her shoulders dropped and she looked down at the nice floors and felt like a failure.

“Dude. It’s fine.” Her older sister said hastily. I’ll just order some flowers and then we can make a reservation for her favorite restaurant or something. I’m sure dad is gonna spend the most time with her anyways.”

But Kelley had remembered a piece of information she had obtained the other day that she had shelved to solve for later.

“No…fuck…Erin I just found out the other day that I gotta go down to the stadium that night…i.. I had agreed to do a meet and greet. I..shit dude, I totally forgot about mom’s-“

“It’s cool.” Erin said. But Kelley could tell that this time it wasn’t cool.  

 

++

 

_She hates me. She hates me. She hates me. She hates me._

_After all my mom’s done for me…I thought that it was a good sign that I was feeling up for the meet and great. Alex had said that I was ready for it. I FELT ready for it. I mean, I am. I should be._

Kelley envisioned herself with the jersey of her new club on, putting on a bright smile that she wasn’t sure she could still pull off because smiles had felt like something of the past. She could see all of the faces of thse people who she didn’t know, but for some reason, in this moment, felt like the most important people to her.

She couldn’t disappoint them.

_You shouldn’t disappoint mom, either._

When it came to the thought or subject of her mom, she was finding it so hard to control these tears. She figured that it must be because of the gates that had busted wide open when she had asked her mom to tell her she loved her. Ever since then, Kelley has felt on the edge of tears every time the thought of her mom popped up.

The thought was sad that Kelley was going to have to skip her mom’s birthday. There was no way that she could bail on the club’s meet and greet, especially because she was the special act of the show. Her name was in the biggest font in all of the ads.

But the face of her mom popped up in her head and she couldn’t help but break down when she told imaginary mom that she loved her, and that she was sorry that she had to miss her birthday. She knew that she was a horrible daughter.

Kelley’s chest ached, like really ached. Her face was sore from all of the tears and she didn’t know how to calm her heart beat down. She could literally feel it beat out of her chest. It seemed to be beating as fast as the thoughts in her mind that were racing at 100 miles per hour. Birthday, fans, love, disappointment – those were the words that she had managed to catch as she tried to throw herself in the race so that she could slow it all down herself.

But that didn’t seem to help.

It felt dangerous. Kelley slid off the couch she had been sitting on in the dark, and she could feel the cold wood on the sole of her feet and on the back of her legs as she curled up into a little ball. For some reason the darkness that the back of her eyelids created seemed like a good path to go down onto because it was both scary and reckless.

In order to stop all of the racing thoughts, she figured that she had to be reckless in order to get the race to come to a halt.

“Hey.”

Kelley felt a mild pinch on her arm and she jumped.

“What are you doing? Are you…”

Kelley had no idea who was standing over her. It literally could be an angel. She had been running out of breath and it was possible that she had just died right then and there by suffocation. This figure’s face was blackened out since behind it was the bright light of her living room that she hadn’t recalled turning on.

“Who are you?” She managed to push out some words as she raised her arm to block out the blinding light.

She didn’t get an answer, but the upper body of the angel had hovered even closer to her, she knew because it had blocked out more light, and then she felt her arms being used to twist her body so that her back could be lowered onto the floor. This angel had then grabbed the backs of her heels and pulled them out so that her legs were fanned out.

Then she felt the soothing touch of the angel’s hand on her chest.

“You’re okay.” A voice kept saying. The hand on her chest had these deliberate movements that seemed to be effective in at least slowing her mind down, but not her heart. Kelley figured that she would be appreciative regardless.

She didn’t know who her angel could have been, but she figured that if this was her death, it was probably the person she had thought about ALL the time. It was a manifestation of Kelley’s desires being played out in the last seconds of her life.

Christen had a smoothing voice like this angel. She had hands that knew what to do with Kelley’s body, and most of all – she had finally returned to save Kelley.

“Bright.” Was all Kelley could say. She never realized that her living room lamp was so luminous, and right now it was straining her eyes that were already drowning in tears.

Then she felt relief when the angel then hovered above her even more and the light was finally blocked. Kelley then took in the brunette hair and the lighter skin that she had not expected on this angel.

“Alex?”

 

++

 

“What were you doing down there?”

Kelley shook her head. She had no idea. And she also had no energy to defy her best friend’s instructions to put her hands up as Alex pulled her shirt off of her slowly. Alex didn’t want to make any sudden movements since Kelley had been complaining about the intense soreness of her back.

“I don’t know.” Kelley protested while she tried to wipe down the sore muscles of her face so that it wouldn’t hurt to keep her eyes open.

“Okay. Just okay…slowly.”Alex said. Kelley only had the sound of Alex’s voice to guide her down into the perfectly heated bath that made her feel like she could melt away – in a good way.

Kelley’s done ice baths and hot baths, but she didn’t really believe their therapeutic abilities until now. Her mind had slowed. She could hear the vibration of all the machines in her apartment humming when her ears were underwater and she found the sound soothing.

She realized that her shoulders had fallen from their tense position. Kelley could also feel a satisfying sensation of looseness of her bad ankle. She couldn’t’ really explain it but her ankle actually felt better. She didn’t know how to explain it.

But she didn’t take any more time figure out how to explain it.

For once her mind wasn’t racing, and for once her body felt good.

At the protest of her angel, she dipped her head so that it was completely submerged. And finally the strain around her eyes melted away.

When she resurfaced, she finally opened her eyes to look at the person who was sitting down on the tile of the bathroom floor, peering over into the tub to watch over her.

She finally understood that Alex had just saved her.

 

++

 

“You’re okay.” Alex said as her thumbs wriggled out all the tension in Kelley’s calves.

“When did you get here?” Kelley whispered. Actually she hadn’t whispered but she only had the strength to project her voice that much.

“I don’t know. I just found you. But it doesn’t matter. What matters is that I brought you…” Kelley could barely lift her head when Alex had turned around and brought into her vision, a brown bag.

“Chipotle.” Alex said with a smirk.

Kelley smirked.

She sat up so that her back was against the headboard and her lap could serve as a suitable table.

“I forgot we had a chipotle date.” Kelley admitted when she took the foil top of her bowl.

“That’s why I ordered them online. I knew I was gonna end up bringing them to you.” Alex said with a smirk of her own.

Kelley ate very slowly while she watched Alex scarf her burrito down. She was actually very impressed. Kelley had only taken a few bites when her best friend had kicked off her own shoes and then authoritatively scooted Kelley aside so that she could be in charge of the remote that she had furnished.

“Thank you.” This time Kelley did whisper.

“For what?” Alex asked without taking her eyes off of the TV they had both set up in Kelley’s room the other day.

“Saving me. I have no idea what the fuck that was back there.” Kelley explained.

Alex expertly managed to get both of her legs under the comforter while not spilling a morsel of her burrito which was still in its foil blanket. She laid her head down on Kelley’s shoulder and Kelley could feel Alex’s hand search for hers under the comforter. She decided to meet her best friend half way and grabbed it.

“It was an anxiety attack, babe.” Alex said simply before she took another huge bite from her burrito.

Kelley took in the information slowly.

“How do you know?” She inquired.

Alex looked at her, her brows furrowed for just a millisecond like she was surprised.

“It’s not the first one you’ve had, Kell.” She said.

Her best friend didn’t understand. It was Kelley’s turn to be surprised and confused.

“What are you talking about?”

 

++

 

“Why are you upset?”

This time it was a different, altered state of mind that Alex had found her in. This time though, Kelley had been seeking Alex’s presence. She had both hands on the frame of Alex’s door as she was leaning in closer.

“Because you still have rehab in the morning.” Alex responded quietly.

“So?”

“And you only do this when your asking something of me.” She said softly and with so much disappointment.

Kelley’s body tensed.

“No I don’t!” She defended.

“Stop.” Alex said when she put her hand on Kelley’s chest and gently pushed her so that Alex could close the door behind her. “You’re going to wake him.”

“Why would you-…” Kelley had to admit that she didn’t have enough energy to finish her sentence. She could feel her head drooping as she sought Alex’s comfort.

She felt the palm of Alex’s hands right over her mouth. It wasn’t a tight grip on her face, but it was firm enough to jolt Kelley back to some sort of sober.

“Then what are you doing?” She heard Alex ask before she removed her hand.

“I don’t know…I just thought…” her habit was to slide her hands onto the sides of Alex, and that’s what she did as she moved in closer.

“Where did you get it?” Kelley heard Alex ask her when she had successfully worn her best friend down and had her lips on her best friend’s neck.

“Get what?” Kelley asked, with no intention of waiting for Alex’s response. She started kissing her best friend too.

But that wasn’t the right move. Alex more assertively pushed her off.

“Stop.”

Kelley stopped. Her and Alex had slept together a few times during the summer. It wasn’t going to be a big deal in her mind.

“You know WHAT. Your pupils are HUGE.”

Kelley stepped back just a little. She didn’t think that it was that obvious, but she should have known that Alex was going to pick up on it since she always did.

She tugged onto the hem of the tank top Alex had been sleeping in.

“Don’t be mad at me.” Kelley whispered. She tugged at it again to bring her best friend closer.

“It’s just…” Kelley ran her nails through her scalp. “It’s just-ya know-I-”

“I get that it’s hard to be at your mom’s and in that bed, but you’re being a straight up asshole right now.” Alex said firmly.

“Why? How?” Kelley asked. She felt the pain from the injury inflicted from those words.

“Because Servando is up there! And you think you can just come here in the middle of the night and do this!?” Alex’s voice was starting to rise in volume.

“I’m trying to be nice.” Kelley said when she grabbed the two drawstrings from Alex’s joggers. “I know he hasn’t…ya know…and I can-”

“Kelley, STOP!”

“Why are you so mad?!?” Kelley asked incredulously.

“Because this isn’t you trying to be nice!” Alex exclaimed. “This is you, regressing. This is you, thinking that you can use your sadness about Christen to get what you want, and to act like a fucking child.”

Kelley let go of the drawstrings and stepped back. She didn’t usually like to hear the sound of that name, mostly because she hardly said it. Also because Alex had just called her a child.

“I get that you’re sad, Kell. I get that you’re stressed. I fucking get it! But none of that is an acceptable reason for you to potentially OD on some pain meds so that you can solicit me.” She yelled.

“I was…I was hurting.” Kelley said weakly.

“Kell. SELF-CARE IS DIFFERENT FROM SELF-INDULGENCE. If you were hurting, im gonna ask how good do you feel now?!?”

“I’m sorry.” Kelley said quietly. She looked down at her feet and backed off even more.

“It’s pathetic. I’m sorry.” Kelley said. She didn’t have the intention of hurting Alex. She never had that intention.

“I- I do stupid shit when…I’m sorry. I just got…I don’t know, my mom asked about he—I’m sorry.” Kelley repeated.

“I’m pathetic. I’m sorry, Al.”

Alex sighed.

“Kelley.” She massaged the space in between her eyebrows to get rid of all the frustration. She didn’t think that she was going to be dealing with this, but she should have. Erin had texted her that Kelley was pretty generous with the tequila she was putting in her margarita when she had showed up really late to their mom’s birthday party.

“You’re not pathetic.” She said with another sigh. “You’re not pathetic for keeping up with Christen’s stats and how her season is, and you’re not pathetic for thinking about her when you’re here.”

Alex didn’t know if she should say what she was going to say next. It’s something that she’s always wanted to say to Kelley, especially when they were kids.

_Why not?_

“What’s pathetic is that you think that expressing your emotions while high is impressive.” She said quietly. She didn’t look up at her. Alex didn’t know how Kelley would take the truth right now.

“It was pathetic when you did it when we were 18, and its pathetic now.” She said sadly.

 

++

 

Dan turned around when he heard the sound of the front door opening. It was past 3 am. Everyone was asleep and passed out from the alcohol. There was no one that should have been at the front door.

He craned his neck to get a good look at the burglar.

But he sighed with relief when he saw that the burglar was just his beautifully drunken daughter with her best friend. HE flipped the switch to announce his presence.

“Oh god.” He heard Kelley mumble as she covered her eyes from the light. Dan knew that if they were revealed, that he would know about her state of mind.

For a second, Dan thought that Kelley was trying to sneak in Ms. Morgan for the night like they did a few times, but when he saw Alex’s face, he instantly realized that this was not the case. Dan’s neighbor was pulling Kelley along by the hand.

“You okay, Kell?” He asked, knowing the answer.

“Yep.” His daughter called out

“I’m gonna just make sure she goes to sleep.” Alex said quietly to Kelley’s dad.

“What were you doing?” Dan asked Alex when she was dragging her up the stairs, not really wanting to know because it was his daughter.

“Being a fucking idiot, dad.” Kelley drunkenly mumbled before Dan heard their footsteps climbing up the stairs.

 

++

 

She could feel her initial reaction to shy away from the sight of her mom’s smile, but she stayed put.

“Whatcha doing here?” Her mom asked her when she shut the door to her car and made her way to her youngest daughter sitting in front of the front door of her home.

“I don’t know.” Kelley said when she scratched the back of her neck. She knew why she was here, but she was still working on not resisting the positives when it came to her mom. She knew on paper that she deserved Karen’s love, but she still cowered from the power of it.

“Where’s Alex?” Her mom asked.

“She’s with her boyfriend.” Kelley mumbled.

“Okay.” Her mom said when she sat down next to her kid.

“You know I kind of miss having you two here. House is very quiet.” Karen said.

Kelley smiled.

“I um…I…miss you.” She managed to put her feelings into a thoughtful sentence

“I miss you too.” Karen replied.

The both of them didn’t know what they were supposed to fill the silence with following their declarations.

“So…”

“So…”

“Are you finished with the reno stuff and everything at your place?” Karen asked.

Her daughter really didn’t want to talk about the stress of building her new place so she just looked down at her feet. She didn’t want to be reminded that she was away from her mom, and living in a condo that was only halfway finished.

“How’s the practices coming along? Are you doing well?” Karen asked when she picked up on the cue that Kelley was not wanting to talk about her home.

“Mom.” Kelley quietly said. She sighed as she tried to prepare herself in opening up to her mom.

“Christen’s not coming back for the camp.”

“Oh.”

The older woman looked equally as sad as Kelley. They had talked about the days and events in which Christen was most likely going to come back to the states for- including camp for that national team. She had confided in her mom, even more so than with Alex, about the possibilities of the woman who got away and her return.

But as the hours accumulated and the distance was starting to feel familiar and assumed rather than unbearable, Kelley was having to come to terms with the diminishing probability of the possibilities when it came to that woman.

“Did you talk to her?” Karen asked

Kelley shook her head.

“At some point you’re going to have to return her calls.” Karen said softly.

Her daughter knew that. The two of them have talked about it many times and Kelley was starting to feel her guard come back up in anticipation of an unwanted lecture.

She knew that she would eventually have to return calls, just like Christen would eventually have to return home, whether she wanted to or not. So, they were at a standstill.

“Anyway, What are you and Alex going to do tonight?” Her mom asked instead. Kelley had to admit that she was really impressed by the progress of her relationship with her mom. She hadn’t thought that what they had now was even a possibility just last summer.

“Just watch some movie I’m sure.” Kelley shrugged.

“How are her and that guy?”

“He’s eh.” She shrugged again.

Karen nodded along. “So she’s going to drop by after they hang out?”

“I guess. She always does.” Kelley said simply.

“But that’s like…late. And she’s a teacher.” Karen observed.

“Most of the time she just stays downtown with me.” Her daughter said simply.

“Oh.”

“Stop mom.” Kelley said. But she had a little smile on the corner of her lips. She knew the intentions behind that ‘oh’ and she had already had this conversation with her the first time Kelley hD drunkenly taken Alex home during the summer.

“Okay.” Karen said, a similar smile on her face.

“How’s the team?” She asked to shift the conversation.

Kelley shrugged. Really the club was pretty cool. The switch had been sudden and the decision to take the switch from Utah was spontaneous. And surprisingly, this club change wasn’t even top five stressors at the moment. The team as great and with how many years she been on the scene, Kelley was more equipped to deal with a team change better than a bum ankle.

She still wasn’t at 100%, but she was on schedule.

Kelley explained to her mom that all was good. The club was nothing to stress about.

“Are you still happy that you’re back here?”

Kelley didn’t want to tell her mom that she loved that she was living in the same town as her mom, but she squirmed. Those weren’t things she wasn’t used to saying.

“Yeah it’s alright.” She shrugged again.

“Now I can check up on you whenever I want.” Karen said with a smirk.

“Come over whenever you want.” Kelley said quietly.

She meant it. And she hoped her mom understood.

They sat in a comfortable silence that was becoming very familiar and very soothing for the both of them. They still weren’t the best at using every second to say EVERYTHING, but at least they were both trying, and at least they were saying SOMETHING.

“So…I know that there’s a possibility that you may not like what I’m about to tell you. But I’m gonna tell you.” Karen said with a grimace.

Kelley closed her eyes. She didn’t know if she could handle another stressor in her life. She didn’t know what her mother was going to tell her she fucked up on, and if it was about her encounter with her dad the other night, Kelley really didn’t need a lecture. Alex let her know how much of a jackass she was, and she didn’t need it all to be piled on. 

“I’m telling you because you’re my daughter and you deserve to know…and well…you brought it up.” Karen said uncertainly.

Kelley didn’t respond. She waited with anticipation instead.

“Christen’s been texting me too. Not just you.”

Kelley let out the breath she was holding. She couldn’t believe that she was actually surprised. It didn’t make sense.

“She misses you.” Karen said quietly.

“Not enough though.” Kelley said bitterly.

“Well you don’t know that. You should talk to her.” Karen suggested.

But the truth was, Kelley didn’t want to. She couldn’t.

“I don’t know what you’re expecting if you want her to talk to you, but you don’t answer when she calls….”

“I’m not expecting anything.” Kelley said bitterly. “I think I’ve learned not to do that.”

“Do you want me to change the subject? I can change it.” Karen asked.

Kelley didn’t know what she wanted, what she was supposed to want. She didn’t know anything.

The daughter shrugged. “What do you want to talk about?”

“A subject that makes you happy.”

“Like what?”

“Like, Alex.”

 

++

 

“So what are we doing for your birthday?”

“Um. It’s my birthday. Isn’t that everybody else’s responsibility?” Kelley inquired.

“Really good point.” Sydney stated before she kicked the ball back to her partner.

Kelley grumbled. She didn’t want to do anything, and she had learned to never expect anything. When you expect, you have expectations. And when you have expectations, you will inevitably be let down when those expectations relied on someone other than yourself. Even when you are the responsible one, there will always be a let down.

“We’re not doing anything. I don’t want to do anything.” Kelley said seriously. She was already in a bad mood and she didn’t want to think about her ‘special day’ and the feelings that would come up with.

“Okay, okay, Debbie downer.” Sydney said with an eye roll.

It was nice to have a really good friend on the team. Even though Kelley was well equipped to play with strangers and young ones, she had to admit that it was great to have an old familiar face around that always brought her joy. Kelley hadn’t really caught Sydney up with the details of her life, but it was kind of nice to be a mystery to someone who wasn’t too inquisitive about her psyche.

It wasn’t that her and Syd weren’t close, but Kelley suspected that Sydney was attuned to Kelley’s wavelength and the sort of human interaction she needed that no one else was giving her. In this case, it was less attention, and less questions. Kelley’s mom and Alex were constantly in the know of her every feeling, and so it was a relief to have someone she felt safe with that wouldn’t ask her to think.

Because honestly, Kelley did that enough on her own. And Sydney always had the right amount of tact to figure out what Kelley would need at that moment.

“I’m actually glad you said that though.” Syd said when she sent a long ball for Kelley to go retrieve. “you kinda need relaxation. You’re so wound up and crazy. You bit off Katie’s head yesterday.”

Yes, Kelley did bite Katie’s head off. She also almost wrecked Sydney’s thigh the other day when the bottom of her cleats had mysteriously made contact with it after Sydney had slide tackled her.

“I have a problem.” Kelley mumbled.

“Kinda, dude.” Sydney said when she laid her hand on Kelley’s shoulders and then for a second gave her a sincere look of concern.

 

++

 

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.” Kelley muttered.

The bitterness was making her muscles tightened and she had to admit that seeing her therapist may have just made things worse. Kelley had been hearing about how she sucked at everything, and she didn’t need a professional telling her that she was. She wasn’t paying someone money for telling her things she already knew.

“How did it go today?” Alex asked when she had put down the bag of Chinese takeout she had picked up on the way to Kelley’s place, onto the counter.

“I don’t see the point in continuing to see her.” Kelley grumbled when she kept her eyes on the list of shows that she had added to her favorites list on her Netflix account. She grew even more frustrated when she realized that a bunch of nature documentaries were in her recently watched list. Kelley would have never watched those, and she knew of only one certain stoner that used to put these on when Kelley had gotten high with her while she painted. A couple all the way on the other side of the globe was using her Netflix account.

“Why do you say that?” Alex inquired.

“Because I already know that I’m stressed, and I already know that I have to relax.” Her best friend responded with an eye roll.

“I don’t have to keep wasting my money. That’s how they get you!”

She had been unliking all of the Christmas romantic movies from her favorites list to spite a couple people who were far, far away that must have added it to the list. She was furiously pressing the button on the remote a little too aggressively, and she ended up throwing the remote aside when she realized that it was going to take her at least another five minutes to unlike everything that Tobin and Christen had added to the list.

_Don’t they know that I can fucking see that they’re on my account?_

“You think that you probably have failed to take care of yourself for the past 30 plus years and you may not be the expert.” She heard Alex call back.

“Whatever! I don’t see the usefulness of it all anymore. I don’t believe in continuing to dump money into someone that tells me that I need to meditate. Like she can fuck off.”

She grabbed the remote, and then threw it down again for a good measured level of drama.

Then she heard her door close.

Kelley looked up.

Alex was nowhere in sight, and her purse was not on the table where she usually placed it when she got there.

“Alex?” She got up to make sure that her ears weren’t playing tricks on her. Her best friend really did walk out.

“What the fuck?” Kelley asked quietly when she stuck her head out into the hall  and saw a brunette ponytail swing around and turn the corner.

 

++

 

“Why’d you leave?”

She could hear the clicking of Alex’s turn signal in the background, confirming that her best friend really had just walked out and left.

“Because I honestly don’t see the point in continuing to come over there when I already know you’re going to tell me about things that make you stressed. Or stories that tell me that you haven’t learned how to relax. It’s pointless to keep hearing the same thing.”

Kelley’s head fell back onto the cushion of her couch.

“Sound familiar?” Alex asked.

“Yes.” Kelley admitted.

“Does it sound harsh?”

“Mhmm.”

“Sound unfair?”

Kelley sighed. “Yes.”

“I don’t think you realize how self- absorbed you really can be most of the time when you’re being an asshole.” Alex said.

“What…?”

Alex only really said nice things to her, other than when Kelley was being a jackass. Like the other night, she deserved the lecture she got. Any other time, Alex was really good at picking up the pieces of the shattered remains of Kelley’s self-confidence.

But that statement right there, made Kelley take a step back.

_Self-absorbed?_

That’s never been a term she would have used to describe herself. Sure, Kelley could easily admit that she was a disappointment, or that she was crazy. She knew that she could be annoying, especially when she was injured and in need of being taken care of physically. Hell, Kelley could admit to being harsh when it came to being real on the field and with the girls she dated when they fought. Kelley would even nod her head eagerly if someone to call her pathetic. But self-absorbed? Every little thing she did was in apprehension of judgement from the people she cared about the most.

“Okay, Al. I know you’re mad, or pissed, or whatever if you’re having a bad day, but there’s no need for you to take jabs at me when I’m down. I get it. You think I’m an asshole and that I need help.” Kelley said bitterly.

“No, I don’t think you do get it.”

“Fine, Alex!” Kelley said when she let her phone that was on speaker fall onto the couch and she stuffed her head into the couch cushion.

“I fucking get it! Okay? I’m not going to stop going to therapy if you don’t want me to.” She said with an eye roll.

They really did hardly argue, but the other night and ten minutes ago was the most that Alex had pushed back onto her, and Kelley could tell that Alex was getting tired of her.

“That’s not what I said.” Her best friend replied.

“Whatever.”

There was a long stretch of silence on the phone, and Kelley didn’t know how she was supposed to fill it. She was sober and she should have had a sound mind to rectify the situation, but she could tell that with Alex at the moment, it was probably impossible. When Kelley pissed Alex off as a kid, it was always just best to give her some space because Kelley was sure that she would make it worse if she spoke. History taught her that.

She could hear the sound of faint honking on Alex’s end of the receiver.

_I’m sorry._

Kelley ran her hand through her scalp as she tried to come to terms with the frustration and the white flag she HAD to wave. This was Alex.

“Al.” her shoulders dropped when she let out an exhausted sigh.

“I gotta go, Kell.”

Kelley looked down at the screen of her phone when she realized that Alex had hung up.

**Author's Note:**

> sordidassorted.tumblr.com


End file.
